to be angry with those parents who have let down their overweight dc

[frumplump]

Overweight parents who allow their own issues to destroy their own dc's good health, what are they thinking?

I overheard a heartbreaking conversation in a shop where an awkwardly fat teenage shop assistant was dispairing at how she was wasting the best years of her life because she had not learned to eat healthily from her parents.

She was saying she had low self esteem and wanted to lose weight desperately. Teenage girls have a difficult time at the best of times, it's just plain cruelty for her parents to have allowed her to become so unhealthily big. She found walking difficult ffs! They say parents will outlive their children. What's going on? How can parents be so cruel?

of course you have mental barriers to cross, I understand that

but isn't that the same with a lot of health issues for children?

it's a biggish issue for me to have to make dd get out of bed when I know she is in pain every morning and she knows I am not- but you're responsible aren't you? if I know staying in bed will endanger her health- then I can't just do it, can I?

I go up and down half a stone-but over the years that half stone has crept up!
Unfortunately you have to really want to do it and be in the right frame of mind. Being weak willed I went to a diet class-one that is mainly exercise routine (there is only a quick 5 mins talking about diet which I find boring),and the fact that I get weighed once a week keeps me on the straight and narrow.
I am still going even though I am down to weight because I have been here several times before-it is staying here that is difficult! I am looking at it as a healthy eating plan for life rather than a diet.
I am going running purely so that I can eat more!

the big one for me is dental health- because I was brought up (not in this country) to believe there is something really shameful about getting cavities; my father in particular really believed this

the first time I had tootache (in my twenties) I was so shamed I couldn't tell him; I cried- honestly

it is not pleasant to me that my own dd has rather poor teeth

but I can't, just can't, not take her to the dentist- because if I neglect her, then her body will pay the price

it's not about me and my feelings

I think some issues are more difficult because of the way that the parents will think other people will view them for admitting the problem

"well it's up to you what you feed them"
"what do you mean you don't know how to cook"
"well just don't give it to them if they ask for it"

Same goes for behavioural type issues (that aren't linked to SN) some parents are genuinely fearful of the judgement they believe they will receive and that they will be "marked on a list" or such like.

The you read threads on MN "I went to the doctor about x,y,z and they said just do "a,b,c" - without giving them any strategies to help deal with it.

I think even if a parent of an older child wants to improve their diet (or even a younger one for that matter) not only do they face the hurdle of changing the food - but then they have to perhaps change their parenting too - making them do more exercise, perhaps limiting screen time etc etc, dishing up different food from what the child is used to, - all things that with most children will bring parental issues - which many people will struggle to cope with on their own - without the battles of actually doing a new healthy routine.

FAQ good luck with finding your job. I think that you wil be brilliant at it because you are so perceptive, insightful and compassionate.

I was taught when young to put others first and not be narcissistic. Good body shape is vanity. It is against my nature to demand attention and help, I am always last in the queue. I don't ask for help because it is weakness and also I don't deserve it.

Having read all the thread I have come to the conclusion that it isn't a simple problem with a simple solution. In case of OP -YABU-the parents are probably following a pattern laid down by their parents.
I don't know the answer. Perhaps schools going back to 'old fashioned' cookery rather than food technolgy would help and some sort of sport each day. (sport to suit the person-I loathed team games as a DC).

I totally agree with what you say, FAQ, about being fearful of judgment

and I certainly know how it feels- having had to drag back my own dd to the hospital that accused me of sexual abuse, to ask for yet another investigation, and knowing that I almost certainly am on that list already and that making yet another fuss won't exactly improve their opinion of me

but I still can't imagine letting my own discomfort dominate when comes to something as important as my child's health

really at shithappens' comment about being last in the queue- you shouldn't have to feel like that, it's awful, you deserve so much better!!!

would you feel the same about your child though? would they be last in the queue?

if we don't push for our children's needs, isn't there a risk that this is how they will end up feeling?

piscesmoon, what's the difference between old fashioned cookery and food technology? dd seems to be making the same old scones and other bits as the previous generation, just under another name

I guess for most of us putting our our fears aside is managable - but there are many for who that hurdle is just one hurdle too far.

It is a very complex issue and I'm now thinking of doing this course at some point in the future

a) for extra points for my degree
b) because I think it sounds like a good study of all the factors - and something I may need to use in my work in the future

I really should get on......

that's a very fair point FAQ and I can imagine that it's probably bound up with a general sense of entitlement; and some parents may well suffer from depression and similar which would make the whole getting things together thing seem unsurmountable

"would you feel the same about your child though? would they be last in the queue?"

Of course not. They are everything to me. I spend all my time giving them the happy childhood I never had. They seem (so far!)to be on an even keel so I hope that I have broken the cycle.

you sound a great mum, shithappens

to clarify earlier post: should have been 'lack of a sense of entitlement'

lol cory - I was wondering about that post - it didn't sort of add up without the "lack of" bit in as it sounded like you were contradicting yourself

Right s'pose I'd better get this toddler of mine dressed and changed out of his nappy that he wore overnight

cory - I was wondering about that post - it didn't sort of add up without the "lack of" bit in as it sounded like you were contradicting yourself

LOL - I read it as 'lack of a sense of entitlement' without cory needing to actually type it. What does that say about my view of the world.

aww shithappens - guess it just goes to show though how we all have a different view on the world and how different issues will affect people differently

oops forgot to say thank you for your kind words cory.

I decided a long time ago to adopt the 'it takes a village to raise a child' philosophy so that my kids would get a balanced view of the world, not my warped one.

What happens then if parents (inc. thin parents)are in denial that their child is obese ? Or don't think it's anyone else's business?

Is it the school nurse's job to upset those parents?

From reading these posts it's clear many mums, despite their own issues, would move heaven and earth to make sure their dc's health and happiness is not compromised. But it is interesting to read about the fear of being judged having a sort of paralysing effect. Obviously judging is wrong but it is borne out of frustration but certain people have emotional and physical barriers to overcome. Only people in that situation will know how to get themselves out of it, and the sad thing is, many have already just given up.

SH I am deeply moved by your posts and feelings of hopelessness knowing that those feelings are going to hold you back whatever good intentions you have. To hear the same old 'lose weight by exercising more and eating less of the wrong food' mantra while feeling so down isn't likely to kickstart anything positive, I can see that.

I suppose having a positive outlook and strong will are prerequisites to breaking the cycle and if that is beyond the parents' ability for whatever reason, then it's down to the dc to do it on their own.

'piscesmoon, what's the difference between old fashioned cookery and food technology? '

When I was at school we did cookery from scratch and did different methods, how to make a sauce, how to make soup etc. When my DS's did it there seemed to be endless planning, a lot of writing (not good for the non academic practical DC), surveys, packaging etc. They also used things like a tin of Heinz tomato soup in shepherds pie-which made my DS think it was far superior to mine!
I think far more hands on actual cooking would be better.

Food technology v domestic science/home economics?

In my day..groan...we used to have to make a balanced ( marks for balance) 3 course meal within a double lesson- from scratch.

My DD used to have to assemble a pizza- ready made base, jar of sauce, bit of grated cheese, - or a Christams log ...we had to buy the Swiss roll then they decorated it.

Nothing about calroies, nutrition, cost.

I think it is to simple to say, oh you are fat, you let your Kid get fat...you are a cruel and rubbish parent....
because the issues will be far deeper than that...and as for accessing help and advice...it is not always the easiest thing to do....because, if you seek help/advice you admit there is a problem....and that might not be something a person is ready to deal with...

maybe if "fast" food wasn't so cheap and accessable things would be different....but, as that will never happen, because the food industry wants us to buy their foods and keep us addicted to shite, in order to have customers...

I have a male friend who I have known for about 15 years. He married an obese woman and they have two kids together, aged 3 and 1. The way the mother feeds the children worries me. We went to their house for Sunday lunch, and the 3 yr old little boy ate about half of his dinner (pre-packaged frozen crap). His mother bellowed at him to eat more of it, then proceeded to manually feed him a packet of crisps, a yoghurt (which she squirted directly into his mouth for him from a little tube) and a packet of sweets.

When they came to our house for dinner, the little boy ate most of the meal I had cooked, then pudding. He then wanted to get down from the table to play with the lego, but his mother kept barking at him to come back to the table and eat some fruit she had brought with her, then a packet of sweets. The little fellow clearly had clearly had enough to eat and wanted to go off and play, but his mother wouldn't leave him alone and kept shouting at him until he had eaten everything she had told him to.

She seems to want her children to be as fat as she is: or maybe this is how her parents fed her when she was a child, and that is why she has such a serious weight problem now. The little boy may not learn to recognise when he is full, and may use food as a reward or consolation tool when he is older.

I wish I could say something to this woman but it's none of my business. She already hates me because I was very close friends with her husband before she met him.

I think that sums it up mrsm! My DSs told me it was because they didn't have time in the lesson to cook anything properly! We did at least make a swiss roll before we decorated it. Somethings I do take the easy way with-I remember making puff pastry and I find that life is just too short! However it is good to know how it is done and why.
We only got onto the planning after we had the basics.

I find that children are totally confused. On supply I had to do an assessment with year 4 pupils. They had to draw a healthy meal on an empty plate. No one drew anything that I would class as a meal, but they all had a piece of broccoli -I concluded that all they had picked up was that broccoli was good for you! I think they were frightened to draw a potato or some pasta.

I think that some parents just can't see it MamaL. I have an overweight friend and I remember her force feeding her toddler apple crumble and custard-he had eaten some and he really didn't want or need the amount he was expected to eat. He is now an obese adult, has married an obese woman and they have now had a baby- I am expecting a Christmas photo of a very fat toddler. I don't think he stands a chance. I think it all comes from the fact that my friend was a much loved only DC with health problems when she was small and her parents wanted to 'feed her up'. She doesn't appear to notice size-I have never liked to say anything.

"he had eaten some and he really didn't want or need the amount he was expected to eat."

Piscesmoon I think that's a big part of the problem. I think many parents have absolutely no idea of portion sizes for children and expect them to eat far more than they want or need.

A family support worker colleague of mine did a cooking workshop with some families she was working with, based around healthier options, simple cooking, portions etc. Most of the families when serving up the meals they had cooked (and were about to sit down and eat together) gave their young children virtually the same size dinner as the teenagers and adults were going to be given. The parents automatically dished out the food fairly equally. All apparently were surprised to be told that small children need much smaller amounts of food than older children and adults.

In an increasingly 'supersize' and inactive society this is worrying IMO.

I think that we are going the way of USA and Canada with portion size.
I went to Canada when my DS was 3yrs old. After a while we got wise and asked for an extra plate and gave him some of ours. To start with we ordered a child's portion-it was far too much for a 12 yr old-it just put him off completely and he just kept saying 'I'll eat in later'! I think he lived on orange juice and dry bread for the first few days!
Even a simple choc chip cookie was the size of a cartwheel!! I remember there being a place with 12 different types of doughnut. We had the same problem as adults-sandwiches were enormous and always came with extras like crisps.