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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be miffed at MIL sending DH a Father's Day card and Present on DD's behalf ...?

64 replies

spiralqueen · 22/06/2009 16:52

FIL arrived at our house yesterday bearing card & gift for DH (MIL out at work). DD is 18mths and unsurprisingly DD & I had made him a card together & got a present.

Not sure why it irritated me. I don't think it was because she thought I'd have forgotten as she's often said that they never got cards for birthdays etc from DH until I came along. She didn't mention she was doing it to me even though we speak several times a week.

Just mystified

OP posts:
wonderingwondering · 22/06/2009 16:55

Not at all unreasonable, she's taking over your role. Much as if you decided to go round to her house and iron FIL's pants or cook his tea without consulting her. I'd say something to her, like 'why did you do that, it is for me and DD to do together'.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 22/06/2009 16:58

I wouldn't be upset. I think it's more like them saying 'happy fathers day' to DH, but it's done from your DD, because he's her daddy.

I've sent friends of mine texts on mothers day wishing them happy mothers day. It's not because I think their husbands have forgotton.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 22/06/2009 16:59

My ex's mum took it upon herself to do this once. We were out with her, she literally grabbed ds's hand and pulled him into a card shop (without asking me first, ds only see's his dad once a year, not worthy of a card IMO), she brought a card then stood over him whilst he wrote it. I wish I'd have told her off!

wonderingwondering · 22/06/2009 17:01

I think it intrudes on their family relationship - if the parents-in-law want to say happy father's day to their son, they can phone him and say it, mother/father to son. That would be a nice thing to do, esp as it is only his second one.

I'm not recommending causing a row about it, but I would say that I found that sort of thing intrusive.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 22/06/2009 17:04

I think it depends on the nature of your relationship with your inlaws.

I don't see how sending their son a card and present for his second fathers day can be seen as 'intrusive'.

Unless they are manipulative or pushy in other ways, surely it's just a nice gesture?

LilianGish · 22/06/2009 17:11

Depends on your relationship with them. I actually think it is quite sweet - sort of acknowledging that they think their ds is a great dad. I wouldn't have a problem with it - doesn't detract from yours and dd's efforts just means dh gets a bit more spoiling.

wonderingwondering · 22/06/2009 17:12

It is taking over the role of the mother of a young child - for example, when DH takes the children out to buy me mother's day gifts, it is the fact that he and they have done it that makes it special. It is part of us being a couple and being a family.

If my MIL decided to buy DH a card from my child, without consulting me, I would be irrirated. On the other hand, if she phoned and said "I've seen X that would be great for father's day' I wouldn't mind her getting it, nor would I mind, at all, them calling and saying 'are you having a nice day' to my DH.

But taking it upon themselves to arrange surprises for DH from his own child, without even mentioning to the child's mother, is overbearing, I think.

I don't suppose it was intended that way, but I can understand the OP being irritated - I would have been.

posieparker · 22/06/2009 17:13

MILs, tut tut. It's your job, I think it's like cutting you out, by passing you as the mother and just keeping stuff to their side of the family. I hate my ils though, so I'm very unbalanced.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 22/06/2009 17:16

wonderingwondering - would you feel the same if your mum bought you a mothers day present from your dd?

Or do you feel that way because you dont really like your inlaws?

mayorquimby · 22/06/2009 17:18

surely this is just the best example of someone actively finding a reason to be pissed off. what she did was nice thing intended in a nice way.
you are looking for reasons to be pissed off.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 22/06/2009 17:20

btw, not judging because I have one of those testing relationships with my MIL and something like that would irk me because, she is a bit manipulative and there is an ulterior motive for many things she does.

However, if the same gesture came from my StepMIL and FIL (who are lovely) I would see the kindness for what it was.

posieparker · 22/06/2009 17:23

It's not her place though is it?
My MIL bought my husband his 30th birthday cake and a bath robe, when I had told her that I was making a cake and had ordered a robe.

wonderingwondering · 22/06/2009 17:26

No meemars, I'd be put out if it were my parents too, I'd probably feel able to be a bit more open about it though!

I actually have a very good relationship with my ILs, I'm extremely fond of them and they are quite involved with our children - more so than my parents (they are a lot younger and more energetic than my parents). But that has been a hard-won relationship in some ways. When we were first married their instinct was to try to help us out. But it was a bit too much, and the end result is that we felt stifled and a bit patronised.

So over the years we've worked things out in a way that we are all happy with. But generally, I do think there is, nowadays, a tendency for parents and IL's to try to 'help' a bit too much, and I think that 'kindness' actually creates dependence. But I digress...

Bathsheba · 22/06/2009 17:29

Its something I've had to some extent - my MIL has a couple of times brought birthday cakes to the girls' birthday parties...

Which again is a toughie - she wasn;t conciously being malicious, she was doing something to be nice....it just was something that "stood on my toes" and upset me a lot at the time - I tend to infer implications ("Did she not think I'd have got her a cake..." or "Is my cake not good enough") when I actually know that she wouldn;t be thinking like that...

But it didn't stop it from annoying me a lot...

I always think that the best thing to do is look at her motivation - is she the type to do it to conciously undermine you, or is it mroe likely she was just wanting to make the day special for her DS?

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 22/06/2009 17:30

posie - your MIL was clearly making a point though, which was intended to undermine your gift.

It's hard to know from the OP whether to know this is the same thing. But on the surface it sounds fairly innocent.

ChippingIn · 22/06/2009 17:33

YANBU - it's one thing if they want to send him something from them, it's quite another when they decide to send something from your DD.

It's not kind, it's control. It's inferring that the mother isn't up to the job, it's insulting.

Nahui · 22/06/2009 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

burningupinspeed · 22/06/2009 17:37

YABU. My mum wished me happy mother's day. I really doubt she did this to piss you off.

mayorquimby · 22/06/2009 17:42

"My MIL bought my husband his 30th birthday cake and a bath robe, when I had told her that I was making a cake and had ordered a robe.
"

but that's completely different to what's happened to the OP.

WoTmania · 22/06/2009 17:43

YANBU
how strange.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 22/06/2009 17:43

But a parent wishing their child a happy mother's/father's day is fine. That's not the OP's complaint. It's doing it 'from' their grandchild that is irritating because it really isn't their place to do that. I would be annoyed, so YABU IMO OP!

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 22/06/2009 17:43

I mean YANBU obv.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 22/06/2009 17:46

I think its quite sweet actually. Perhaps its her way of recognising and being proud of her son's role as a father. People do odd things sometimes, but I like to believe that while some people are spiteful and have selfishness in their motives, there is usually a well meaning but badly expressed gesture involved.

janeite · 22/06/2009 17:46

YABU - it is just an extra, not a suggestion that you haven't got him a gift from dd. I guess it's just her way of acknowledging how proud she is that her 'little boy' is now 'daddy' - not controlling at all: just a gesture.

janeite · 22/06/2009 17:47

Crossed posts Pavlov!