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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be miffed at MIL sending DH a Father's Day card and Present on DD's behalf ...?

64 replies

spiralqueen · 22/06/2009 16:52

FIL arrived at our house yesterday bearing card & gift for DH (MIL out at work). DD is 18mths and unsurprisingly DD & I had made him a card together & got a present.

Not sure why it irritated me. I don't think it was because she thought I'd have forgotten as she's often said that they never got cards for birthdays etc from DH until I came along. She didn't mention she was doing it to me even though we speak several times a week.

Just mystified

OP posts:
PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 22/06/2009 17:48

janeite

2rebecca · 22/06/2009 18:01

I'd be annoyed. This isn't his birthday, he's not supposed to get presents from adults, just children. Having said that I remember my mum getting me a card for my first mothers day, but I think she signed it from her and dad and it just said something like "hope you enjoy your first mothers day" . If they'd pretended it was from the sprog I'd be annoyed, and if it becomes an annual occurrence I probably would take MIL to one side and tell her you feel she's usurping your place and he's supposed to get stuff from his kids not his parents.
I'd let it go this year. Did husband think it was odd?

wahwah1270 · 22/06/2009 18:11

yanb at all u

it's not her place

wahwah1270 · 22/06/2009 18:11

yanb at all u

it's not her place

LilianGish · 22/06/2009 18:21

Just wonder how many of you who said you'd be annoyed have a difficult relationship with your mil? Can't help thinking you are just looking for a reason to fall out with her - certainly wouldn't pick a fight over that alone.

fucksticks · 22/06/2009 18:38

I get on very well with my MIL, sometimes better than my own Mum!
If she did this to me then I'd certainly think it was very odd and I'd have a laugh and a about it with DH later on.
I wouldnt get pissed off because I'd know the intentions were good, but I would definitely think it were very strange.

wonderingwondering · 22/06/2009 18:44

LilianGish - there's a difference between picking a fight and drawing boundaries. It is quite possible to send a message without it being an argument or confrontational.

And I think what the OP's MIL did overstepped the boundary - she is taking on a role that is the wife's role. It's like her going round and starting to do her son's ironing as she doesn't think the DIL does it well enough or that the son shouldn't have to do it himself. It is interfering in the arrangements DIL and her son have as a family.

As I said earlier, I would be put out if my own parents did it, too.

katiestar · 22/06/2009 18:44

If she was at nursery they would make and write a card on your DDs behalf for her Daddy.

janeite · 22/06/2009 18:58

Am quite happy for my mil to come and do the ironing, if she so desires!!!

Lissya · 22/06/2009 19:08

Katiestar - "If she was at nursery they would make and write a card on your DDs behalf for her Daddy".

It wouldn't have the same emotional connection to it as a MIL has.

Also the DD would have helped make the nursery card.

Plus it's just an excuse for an activity to promote family ties and do some craft work at the same time.

Its two completely different things.

OP, YANB at all U. Your MIL should butt out, it's not her place to send your DH a card on DDs behalf.

I would have said "How kind, but of course DD and I have spent lots of time making our own card for DH this week!" ie make your point but not so you can fall out about it.

What's next, a card from DD to DH for Christmas? where will it end?

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 22/06/2009 19:11

"If she was at nursery they would make and write a card on your DDs behalf for her Daddy."
They wouldn't. They would help her make one. Different thing. The OP would probably not have objected if her MIL had helped her GD make the card.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 22/06/2009 19:12

x-posted with Lissya!

LilianGish · 22/06/2009 19:35

"It is quite possible to send a message without it being an argument or confrontational." Why don't you tell your mil she's over-stepped the boundary and that she should butt out, it's not her place to send your DH a card on DDs behalf. It is interfering in the arrangements DIL and her son have as a family. With this sort of over-reaction to what is essentially a kind gesture it's your mils I feel sorry for.

wonderingwondering · 22/06/2009 19:41

LilianGash, I don't think it is an overreaction.

The OP was irritated, I explained why I'd be irritated - what it would mean to me. And I said I wouldn't personally cause an argument about it - I suspect that the MIL hasn't thought about things from the DIL's point of view and is trying to be kind. And it is difficult for mothers to see 'their' place usurped by the DIL.

But if the DIL - or better still, her son - explained that some things are for their own family unit to sort out, not for her, she might understand.

JennyTaylier · 22/06/2009 19:49

I always buy my dd a mothers day gift because she's such a super mum. I'd never give it to her 'from her children' though - they do that themselves - it's a completely separate token of respect & admiration.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 22/06/2009 19:52

Aw Jenny that's lovely

The most I ever get from my mum is a look... like this

mamas12 · 22/06/2009 23:11

It's sort of sweet in a way if they are proud that their ds is a dad
Can't you have lasugh about it with your dh
Don't know any other back sory thiugh

mamas12 · 22/06/2009 23:11

That he has turned into the parent of his mem ND dad

Original poster
spiralqueen · 23/06/2009 10:15

It's not something I want to pick a fight over at all, it just seems a strange thing to do. As lissya said MIL didn't make the card with DD, the first time DD saw the card and present was when FIL gave them to DH, who was rather surprised by it.

DD did make a card at nursery but, like Katiestar suggested the staff made it with her which is a bit different.

MIL has told people that DH and SIL were awful as children and that DD is giving them the chance to do all the things that they had wanted to do with them but didn't. (DD is a very happy, active and confident child in comparison)

OP posts:
spicemonster · 23/06/2009 10:29

I think that's a bit creepy and weird. Buy him a card from her by all means, telling him what a super dad she thinks he's being but not from your DD.

My mum buys me a card and present from my DS for mother's day because he's 2 and I'm a single parent. I would think it very odd if she continued doing it past the age when he was capable of doing it himself - she certainly doesn't do it for any of her other grandchildren.

Coalman · 23/06/2009 10:47

My MIL does stuff like this all the time. I think it is nice. She is really excited about the fact that her son is a father, she likes occasions. She sends cards and presents for all types of stuff -Saints Days, Midsummer, Easter, anything.

I don't get all this 'it's not her place' stuff. MiL is part of our family. She is my childrens grandmother. Her family got bigger when her son and I had children, not smaller.

My MiL has great craft ideas and every occasion is a big deal. I wish I had had such an involved parent when I was growing up, and I LOVE the fact that my children have that extra person in their lives.

MmeLindt · 23/06/2009 11:04

SQ
What does your MIL mean when she says that your DH and your SIL were awful as children and she now has the chance to do things with your DD that she did not do with her own children? That is quite a wierd thing to say. Does she feel that she was a bad mother?

I don't think that YABU to be a bit miffed at your MIL sending a card and present on your DD's behalf.

I have a good relationship with my MIL and even so would be a bit at that. I quite like it when she comes here and does the ironing or cleans the windows but there is a underlying feeling of her not thinking that I am a good wee housewife or good enough for her son. (Even though she probabyl does not think that and never implies it)

hiphopapotamus · 23/06/2009 11:05

YANBU. I'm glad it's not just me. My MIL got my DH a fathers day present from 6mo DS. Feel a bit like she implied I might not have made effort to get him something. I thought that it was something that only mums and dads did on behalf of DC until they were big enough to do it themselves. I think DH would have been a bit miffed if my parents had got me something for mothers day from DS.

Firawla · 23/06/2009 11:28

i think yab a bit u, and overreacting. what's wrong with dh getting 2 cards and 2 presents? them giving a card and present doesn't cancel yours!

katiestar · 23/06/2009 12:55

i don't know about that.MY neice who is 5 m old came home from nursery with a fathers day card