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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be miffed at MIL sending DH a Father's Day card and Present on DD's behalf ...?

64 replies

spiralqueen · 22/06/2009 16:52

FIL arrived at our house yesterday bearing card & gift for DH (MIL out at work). DD is 18mths and unsurprisingly DD & I had made him a card together & got a present.

Not sure why it irritated me. I don't think it was because she thought I'd have forgotten as she's often said that they never got cards for birthdays etc from DH until I came along. She didn't mention she was doing it to me even though we speak several times a week.

Just mystified

OP posts:

Original poster

spiralqueen · 23/06/2009 13:01

MmeLindt DH was very slow to walk and they were both apparently miserable little s*ds and a pain to take anywhere. So having DGD who is more than happy to do new things and is generally very amenable is something of a change. She doesn't see herself as a bad mum at all.

So when we are with them she always takes over feeding/choosing clothes/dressing/washing, just because DD is so much easier/fun to deal with. She and FIL also want to be the first to take her to the zoo, the beach etc. We normally just let it go as they have a very good relationship with her which is lovely, but DH has had to occasionally remind them that she is our baby and there are certain milestones we'd like to experience with her.

OP posts:

LilianGish · 23/06/2009 13:30

Well said Coalman.

MmeLindt · 23/06/2009 14:07

Hmm, I do love my parents to do new things with my DC and I am happy for them to experience things with them but they are my DC and I want to be the one to do some of the "firsts" with them.

She cannot make up for her own DC's childhood by taking over your DD.

I would be quite cross if my MIL was to refer to my DH as "miserable little sods and a pain to take anywhere".

londonartemis · 23/06/2009 15:05

Sounds like your MIL is just very proud that her son is a lovely dad and thought that the way to show her appreciation was to send him a Father's day card. Of course, it's odd to get a FD card from your mum, so she sent it 'with help' from her grandchild. She might genuinely be mortified to find out it has caused so much upset.

BirdFromDaNorf · 23/06/2009 15:10

We've had the same scenario - for DH's bday, he gets a present from DS, bought by MIL that's a mug that says DADDY on it !!!!

WTF - you are not the person to buy this for DS to give to Daddy, I am - get outa the wrong place, fricking quickly. My look and scowl and unimpressendess said it all. I had the face of stone. sadly, it put a downer on DH's face.

This situation was more than two years ago, and it still irks me to this day...

So NOOOOOO, YANBU.

Coalman · 23/06/2009 16:38

Seriously Bird? Why? Genuine question - I just don't get this 'place' stuff. Seems like you are marking your territory. What happened in your life to make you feel you need to do that?

timmette · 23/06/2009 17:14

Totally agree with Coalman's* previous post - think you are being a bit unreasonable - and maybe over analyzing the situation.

Original poster

spiralqueen · 23/06/2009 17:19

Coalman why does MIL need to send card on DDs behalf - why not send a card from her & FIL? . (Heaven knows Hallmark et al do enough variations - if they can produce "Happy Father's Day from the dog" cards surely they must do ones from your parents?)

I wouldn't think of sending her an anniversary card on behalf of FIL. That wouldn't be my place would it? Even though that would mean her getting another card.

OP posts:

kalo12 · 23/06/2009 17:20

yes its very rude, i would say something

Coalman · 23/06/2009 17:24

But spiral, why do you need to send a card on DDs behalf? You don't need to, you just want to. Well so does MiL.

I just don't see the problem. It does not affect YOU at all

Lissya · 23/06/2009 23:07

Coalman: "why do you need to send a card on DDs behalf? You don't need to, you just want to. Well so does MiL. I just don't see the problem."

Ok, then, so is it usual or not for fathers to receive cards FROM THEIR DD's/DS's that are from MIL/FIL/SIL/BIL/cousins/nieces etc?
Where does it end? Why doesn't everyone send everyone cards from everyone else?

One of the pleasures of being a parent in a happy relationship is doing these special things for your partner on behalf of your DCs until they are old enough to do it for themselves. MIL presumably had the opportunity to do it for her DCs but from what the OP says she didn't and is therefore trying to do it via DGD now.

OP is probably picking up on this vibe that it's for MIL's own satisfaction and benefit rather than for DD. She is living an element of life vicariously, I think the word is, via DGD.

Original poster

spiralqueen · 24/06/2009 10:13

Lissya exactly my point.

Coalman are you saying that you send out cards in someone else's name if you want to make the recipient happy? Do you think it would be a kind gesture to send a card in my MILs name to my FIL on their anniversary?

MmeLindt Both DH and SIL agree that they weren't the easiest of young children (although they've improved a lot since then) but they are close to their mum and aren't put out by her comments.

OP posts:

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 25/06/2009 13:35

omg - there are some complete overreactions on this thread!

Really, I could understand all this "it's not her place" and fury if she was interfering in your parenting methods, or getting your childs ears pierced, or getting involved in private or sensitive business.

But its sending someone (her own son!) a card and gift! It's for fathers day, therefore fairly logical that she writes that it's from the child. It's not an awful thing to do. Try to get some perspective people!

kimstar · 01/07/2009 23:18

My MIL bought a present for Fathers Day for my partner and I feel as though she is stepping into my territory and I'am furious!! I'm not trying to deny my partner a gift but I just thought it was supposed to be the partner who bought something until the child was old enough to do it themselves!!

What makes it worse is that throughout my pregnancy she refered to by bump as "little richard", my partners name and ignored me from the waist up! All she was sayin is "I wonder if he's gonna look like richard" like I wasn't even a part of it. I think she was acting like I was pregnant with he son at one point!!

At xmas she bought a few things for the bump. One thing was a heart shaped thing taht said "beautiful grandson". I thought this was really weird cos why would I want this really? It's like me buying my brother something with auntie on it!!

All she does is say how much my son's like richard and everything he does is just like richard. I think she needs to respect that this is our child and not hers. I wish she'd stop staking claim cos shes pushing herself out.

She always goes on how mothers are SO important but she just means her unless it's her son then it's the father who's more important. Saying things like "if your daddy can't make you smile I don't know who can" HELLO ME!!! The mother, my son and I have a good little giggle :-). I just think she's not very nice but my partner thinks she's really thoughtful.

When my son gets older and if he has children then I know IF I bough him a fathers day present then I would buy one for the mother as well as they are both important!! I wouldn't want the other person to feel left out. If she was that thoughtful then I'd have got a present on mothers day. I just think she's tactless.

Please help cos my partner doesn't see what I see...my mother does but I think she's fed up of me now lol. I think I'm going crazy over all this lol

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