to be really really angry that only women are once again being blamed for leaving having babies too late??

[littlestmummystop]

Where the feck is the man's responsibility in all this??

A straw poll of my friends. . . 4 out of 6 felt broody and wanted babies in their 20s despite all also having great jobs. None of their boyfriends also in their twenties were 'ready' so none of them did.

I had a baby at 24, then my exP decided he was too young to be a dad ( at 28) so he left. I've been a single parent since.

So what are women supposed to do? Make ultimatums, have a baby earlier and risk being a single parent? Or leave it till their menfolk are 'ready' to settle down, which among the middle class lot appears to be around 35, and then risk leaving it too late? Why are women being solely blamed for this??

Ceilidhgirl - by 'creating a family' I meant the whole process of finding the right guy and eventually producing kids; this does not imply that the whole thing was instant and problem-free.

Horton - I started reading about pregnancy and labour, etc., when I was in my teens too! No wonder I'm so mental-broody now, 20+ years later!

And picmaestress - my heart goes out to you. I don't know your full story but it sounds like one that far too many of us can relate to. Be strong.

One of the worst things about being older and not having kids is feeling so desperate for children, but people around you, even family, make thoughtless comments presuming that you hate children and/or don't want any because you want some big career (I don't) or are obsessed with lifestyle (I'm not). These reports just reinforce such hurtful assumptions and stereotypes.

When I was 14 I checked out of the school library a book on waterbirths - my friends all thought I was nuts .

I was never worried about getting pregnant when I was young, I knew I'd cope (I did worry about my Dad killing my boyfriend though!!)

I wanted my children young... sigh... wish the universe would bloody listen sometimes!!

I don't see why blame is required for either sex to be honest. It's not as if there is a terrible problem with underpopulation in the world (granted the population structure in the UK is going to cause some problems ahead).

I see having a family as an intensely personal issue, with many reasons why individuals may choose, or find themselves in a position of trying for their family later than the ideal.

My experience is like Ceilidhgirl's. dh and I met at university, married a couple of years later, and had two children just before I hit 30. He was the broody one in fact, and he is younger than me. Our contemporaries thought we were odd for getting serious at university, very strange for getting married so young (we were about 25), and we knew no-one our age who had babies any where near the same age as us. None of them, male or female, were even thinking about babies at that point, and thinking about my colleagues since, those that had children from my generation generally didn't start having serious relationships or thinking about babies for a good five-ten years after me. All my friends with babies the same age as mine were also a good 5-10 years older. I don't know the reason, but I never heard any of them blaming their husbands/partners.

I do think part of it is that if you start looking for a serious relationship when you are older there is a lot more pressure, so you are more choosy, and if you are thinking about having children with someone, again you are going to be a lot more choosy. Most people I know have had far more relationships than me (well I have only had two!), trying to get the right person for the rest of their lives/the father for their children. When dh and I met children were the last things on our minds. I knew he wasn't perfect when I picked him, and I was right. Friends and family had their reservations, and they were right. But I wonder if I had looked for that "perfect" man whether I would ever have found him? You can use up a lot of years looking.

I didn't read the features but I can well believe there is a lot of selfish women sort of spin on it.

On the other hand, I think it's a useful piece of information. I left it too late. Perhaps I just didn't see the warnings or wouldn't have listened but if I'd really understood the implications of waiting till I was mid-thirties, I honestly think I would have started having children earlier.

picmaestress - so sorry, I hope you find a way through the pain.

When I was with a useless boy-child, in my late 20s / early 30s, I had a smear done at a family planning clinic and had a bit of rough n' ready, uninvited, ad hoc counselling from the doctor who - in a very friendly way but without maximum tact - told me that I should think about kids because I wouldn't be young for ever. (she also made sure I knew how to check my breasts, and asked if I was working too hard and did I know how to relax - both useful pieces of information). I was semi-offended although it was obviously well-meant - I felt a little hectored. However, maybe she was right to say this to women in prime child-bearing age - information alone can't hurt you.

(In my case I don't blame the useless boy-child because I knew in my heart he was not right for me and certainly not someone I wanted to have kids with and was using him as a distraction, a smoke-screen, to make certain things "impossible" so as to avoid having to face certain difficult issues myself. As soon as I got the guts to break up with him, I was with the father of my daughter within 4 months)

Actually i think men and women are not so very different from each other in terms of dithering about children. Its a scary step to take for anyone (arguably more for women as we tend to lose more freedom, time, income, career status etc etc). Most of my friends have dithered, many have only decided they are 'ready' in late 30s. I was by no means ready in my 20s - I didn't finish my professional exams until I was over 30 for one thing.

The difference is that a man can pretty much get away with taking his time whereas a woman can't. So the biological clock does start off ticking for women earlier and they normally start thinking and planning ahead of the men because they know that they can't wait forever. Many still leave it too late nonetheless.
I don't think there is an easy solution tbh.

YANBU-my thoughts exactly!

I just think that men have the unfair advantage. If they wanted they could play the field until they were 60 then still be a dad. We have a time- limit on fertility. Isn't Biology a bugger!

My ex stated he was not ready AFTER I became pregnant hence my single mumness! He wanted me to have an abortion but I refused as I rightly thought that I could manage without him and it was his choice if he wanted to stay or not.
I now think that I'm one of the lucky ones as at least I have my dd even if I don't have a man. Crazy isn't it?

had my firt at 20

had my last 3

35
37
39

YANBU. Why is it all the womans fault, do we just click our fingers and have babies all by ourselves .

Ladidadi- if only it was as simple as being too picky. What tosh. I fall in love far too easily with all manner of imperfect men as i wanted to give them a chance. It dosn't mean that they were ready for commitment.

Fair enough psm but I have a friend who has strict criteria fr her Mr Right: height, job/salary, age, never previously married, certain interests, can drive, owns home and car etc, etc and she is not the only similar one amongst my friends.

I do think that for some women there is too much expectation of meeting Mr Perfect and having a fairytale rather than accepting that you may need to compromise if you want to have children. I think that this fairytale myth as an anticipated reality is a feature of relatively modern society and probably does contribute to the issue of post-poned motherhood/age-related infertility.

I'm sorry about your experiences, pic, but although this board has a TTC section, it's a parenting forum, not one devoted to infertility or created for relationship issues, so chances are, most users here have children.

Well I agree 100% with the posters who said if you have a man who doesn't want a baby get yourself one who does. There's plenty out there.

And I will also be telling my daughters never to waste time with a man who doesn't want a family if you do. Two years should be more than enough time for a man to commit

I had more or less the same checklist as your friend, I had to compromise on height but everything else I got so 9/10 wasn't bad.
Some gals can afford to be fussy and some can't

same here, nametaken. all the way. i was there, too. got a divorce before it was too late. you literally have to chose between what YOU want and need: either your love for this man, or your desire for a family, because sadly, time is limited for us women. this is reality.

for me i was 28. when i was 30, we divorced. we tried counselling, separation, the lot. he was 6 years older than i was.

but at the end of the day i thought, 'if i tried my best and it didn't happen, i could live with that, but if i never even tried, because of what he wanted, then it will destroy me and i'll hate him.'

and yes, finding someone who wants a family as much as you may mean you won't be marrying Johnny Depp, but so what?

in my case, my husband is 6.5 years younger than i am.

i was 31 and he was 24 and he wanted kids asap after we married.

I agree with all the posts which say most women want to have a baby by the time they reach their early 30s but dps are'nt ready yet. Its also a time when your career really takes off so women are hit with a double whammy. In my utopia women having 1st babies from 28-36 would beable to have a 2 year sabbatical for the 1st child(then normal maternity arrangements for subsequent children) and her dp would be given tax breaks to help finanacially.

I am sort of the opposite to some of these stories.

When I was in my 20s I said I didn't want children because at that age I didn't. When I thought about it I realised that I would be heartbroken if I knew I would never have them. Still didn't make me want to get pregnant - I just wasn't ready.

My then DP wanted us to try for a baby but I insisted we get married first as this was important to me so we waited about 2 years longer than he would have wanted to start trying (I was 34 by this time). I did want children but still wasn't 100% sure I was ready but it was the biological argument that decided me.

Anyway - I suppose what I am saying is my DH didn't know for a long time if I would have children with him and he was very keen to have children at some point. There was nothing stopping him from saying, 'Either you agree to have children with me or we split up'. In that situation I really don't know what I would have done, and what would have been the reaction if i had posted on MN about it?

I wanted to get married for years before he did and it almost split us up but I just held on in there with the hope that he would come round to the idea and he did.

In the case of those who waited and wasted their best childbearing years there must be hundreds of thousands of other women who waited and subsequently had children with the partner they held out for. It is, as with a lot of other things to do with relationships, a lottery.

When I was frittering away my twenties and thirties looking for the right partner, it wasn't because my boyfriends didn't look like Mr. Depp, it was because ultimately either I didn't love them enough, or they didn't love me enough. So much more complicated than height and liquidity!

I met DP when I had just turned 39. I made my position clear immediately and he said he definitely wanted children with me but adopted and fostered not biologically due to a serious and hereditary family illness. As my 41st birthday approached, with him still dithering, I booked an appt. with a fertility clinic for IVF with donor sperm and gave him a month to think fatherhood over before treatment started (technically speaking, with or without him, but emotionally just the same) and decide whether or not to join me in the treatment (i.e. to sign up to being legally and in all respects but biologically the father). He did. We're pregnant. I'm a very lucky woman.

expatinscotland - fair do's I do know it's a parenting forum, so I'll go now. I did have legitimate reasons to be on here, but hey, I'll leave it up to you parents.

pica I certainly don't think you should go anywhere. Your story could have been mine and mine yours .

no one is saying people who do not have children cannot use this forum, many do. but as it is a parenting site it goes to follow that most of the users do have children and thus, approach life as such.

i'm sorry that is upsetting to you and wish you the best, but really, posters on a parenting site cannot be expected to always tender and word their posts so as not to potentially upset the childless.