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Original poster

Mums with more than 3dc's - why does is seem socially unacceptable to have more than 3?

125 replies

igglepigglegotobed · 19/06/2009 09:18

When I was pregnant with my 3rd I got comments like "oh your going to be busy". Now the fourth is on it's way I cant tell you how many people have asked me if I know what contraception is. I have even been asked if they share the same dad!

In my area in particular it seems people get the "vicky pollard" impression of anyone who has a number of children.

Would it be unreasonable to start wearing my hair in a high ponytail? What do MN's think?

Yeah or but no

OP posts:
4andnotout · 19/06/2009 09:20

I have 4dd's apparently it is because im trying for a boy
and there was me thinking i just want a large family

whyme2 · 19/06/2009 09:23

I often get the "oh you're busy/got your hands full" comments. And people alwasy feel free to ask if I'm having more. Why are they so concerned?
I do get 'looks' when we are out and about. I think that is mostly becasue I have 4 under 6.
And we only got a tv after dc4 was concieved.

glaskham · 19/06/2009 09:24

I only have 3 but i get the same comments all the time... it may be because i'm a bit younger (24 with youngest DC being 4mths) but i get comments all the time.

When people say 'you've got your hands full' i always say 'not really i've been blessed with well behaved DC's'... I know some people try and say it in a nice way- but i mean once you have once DC you're life is busy enough, doesn't make much difference if its one or 5 IMO- you're still gonna be busy!! why do some people think they have a right to comment and make judgments!!??

Mybox · 19/06/2009 09:26

I was asked these questions as well iggle - best is to ask the questions back.

I don't see whats wrong with having a large family?

stroppyknickers · 19/06/2009 09:27

ummm, maybe because it's true? And an easy way of interacting with fellow humans? I have never taken offence at the 'you've got your hands full' thing because a) I do and b) then I have a nice chat with some old dear/ young man/ other mum about children.

whyme2 · 19/06/2009 09:32

Of course I freely admit to having my hands full, just take a look at the state of my house
I think most people are just being freindly rather than negative. But I don't like the total stranger asking if I'm having more. that just feels too intrusive.

sweetnitanitro · 19/06/2009 09:34

I still can't get over the things some people will say to pregnant women what's wrong with a polite 'congratulations'? If I were in your position and someone asked me if all my kids had the same dad I would find it pretty tough to restrain myself from slapping them, how bloody rude

Anyway, congrats on expecting number 4

heartmoonshadow · 19/06/2009 09:36

Hi,

I love people with big families, I work in education and it keeps me in a job so carry on!!!!!

sweetkitty · 19/06/2009 09:41

I have 3 and am always getting the "hands full" "are you going to try for a boy?" comments.

Thing is we are ttc#4 so will get loads more comments then.

I usually just say " I wouldn't have it any other way" or "I know isn't it great?"

Comewhinewithme · 19/06/2009 09:50

I have just had baby no 6 and am sick of the comments .

Especially the stupidity of people who ask me if I was trying for a boy
"Er no my eldest child is a boy "
Oh and the people who think it is ok to tell my 11 year old son what a shame it is he has another sister one old hag lady actually said to him that she had prayed the baby would be a boy while I was stood with my brand new DD .

People think it is ok to comment you seen to become public property when you have a large family and people can ask you if it is your last or if you have a tv .

ljhooray · 19/06/2009 09:51

Congratulations and don't fret, those of us with 1 get the 'how could you not give your dc a sibling?' so I think unless you conform to the one boy one girl stereotype, everyone wants to stick their oar in! If those with 3 or more should have the scraped back ponytail facelift and matching family tracksiuts, then apparently those of us with one should be sticking our children in our laptop bag whilst we ignore them to pursue careers, have a permanently reserved table in Carluccios for 3 and be saving for the inevitable extensive psychotherapy they will need from all the pressure and attention
Can't win can you?
Hooray for all families big and small

sweetkitty · 19/06/2009 09:55

So true ljhooray unless you have the one boy one girl two years apart people will coment and even if you do you get told how clever you are and you aren't allowed anymore as why would you want anymore if you have one boy and one girl?

I think it's people just making small talk but they do not realise it can hurt Mothers feelings, when pregnant with DD3 I was told I would be praying for a boy when actually I was praying for an alive child. I do think Dh is getting sick of all the Poor him comments about being in a houseful of women.

posieparker · 19/06/2009 09:58

Congratualtions, welcome to a very busy, wonderful and crazy club.
I have 4 and had to endure the same when I was pg.

pramspotter · 19/06/2009 10:00

Big families are wonderful. I don't understand why people care about how many dc another family has. Having only one child or no children has it's advantages and having a large family also has it's advantages.

If we want our current standard of living maintained and health care when we are retired then we need more taxpayers.

4andnotout · 19/06/2009 10:00

Sweetkitty-My dp even got told by one old woman that he wasn't 'man enough@ to make a boy!

4andnotout · 19/06/2009 10:01

That should be 'man enough'

katiestar · 19/06/2009 10:01

I wonder why you have decided on 3 as the 'normal' cut off point.At our school which is 100% white middle class, there are quite a number of families with 4 children .But personally I don't know anyone with more ( except a couple who had 3 ,then mum got accidentally pg with triplets )but again ,middle class.

Stigaloid · 19/06/2009 10:05

Oddly enough i read an article recently that stated that 4 kids was the new benchmark for middle class families as it showed people could afford more kids.

Personally i am freaking out at how to mange 2 when DC2 comes along and applaud any woman who can juggle numerous kids. I have a lot of admiration for women with large families but don't think it is a challenge i am up to.

Congrats on your pregnancy and hope all goes well.

sweetkitty · 19/06/2009 10:07

My mother told me that you are not a "real" women until you have a boy a friend also told me when I mcing that "maybe I canot carry boys and it was a boy"

Same mother told me when I announced DC 2 was a DD that she wasn't that bothered I could always go for a third, WTF, I don't talk to her anymore

clemette · 19/06/2009 10:07

Slightly OT but I read a report recently that it was now a sign of middle class affluence to have more than two - in the yummy mummy set it is a sign that your husband earns enough to support a large family (it was in the Guardian, will try to find a link...)
The only people I know who have more than two are very religious so at Church it is definitely not unacceptable.
Ramble, ramble...

Frasersmum123 · 19/06/2009 12:21

I have three and as I have 2 DS's and a DD I often get things like 'well you wont be needing any more now' like my lovely children are handbags or shoes. I dont think I will be having anymore, but I would like people to think its through personal choice rather than conforming to normality.

BlueKangerooWonders · 19/06/2009 12:25

Probably depends where you live! Round here (Bodenlandia) 3 or 4 is the norm. But as someone said, it's just a conversation opener.

goldrock · 19/06/2009 12:25

clemette - do you really only know religious people with more than 2 ? What kind of area do you live in, I have 4 and just within a few neighbours on either side there is another 4 and a 3 and at my DCs fairly small school there is at least one other 4 and several 3s

mumblechum · 19/06/2009 12:27

Just out of interest, do any of you mums of larger families get asked if you're not concerned about population control?

I think large families are a Good Thing and would love to have had more. So far as middle class, affluent families go, they're self sufficient, not a drain on resources etc so no one else's business, but I do get concerned at people in poor countries having very large families who they can't afford to look after, consequently have high mortality rates.

Just musing, tell me if I'm talking bollocks.

SomeGuy · 19/06/2009 12:28

Oh yes it is definitely an upper middle class affluence thing. We went round to friends at the weekend, she had her siblings, who are all City lawyers, one apparently makes £300k, they all have quite a few children and made a comment that "were we only going to have two?" It's a status symbol for them in a way, "look we can afford to take six people skiing, to the Maldives and pay all the school fees, aren't we rich".