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Original poster

Mums with more than 3dc's - why does is seem socially unacceptable to have more than 3?

125 replies

igglepigglegotobed · 19/06/2009 09:18

When I was pregnant with my 3rd I got comments like "oh your going to be busy". Now the fourth is on it's way I cant tell you how many people have asked me if I know what contraception is. I have even been asked if they share the same dad!

In my area in particular it seems people get the "vicky pollard" impression of anyone who has a number of children.

Would it be unreasonable to start wearing my hair in a high ponytail? What do MN's think?

Yeah or but no

OP posts:
notevenamousie · 19/06/2009 12:30

I think people always seem to want to pass judgement on anything that they think is unusual - I get "poor dd being a lonely child". The old phrase if "if you haven't anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" fits particularly well here, I think...

SomeGuy · 19/06/2009 12:31

that is quite offensive actually mumblechum, they have high mortality rates because they are poor and there is no NHS, not because they are irresponsible and have more children than they can afford to look after

If you live in a developing country there is no social security provision and having lots of children is essentially a way to keep you in your old age - the children are expected to, and will, look after their parents when they are old, rather than farming them off to a car home.

clemette · 19/06/2009 12:31

goldrock it may be because mine are still young (aged 4 and 17 months) but yes, all the women I meet who have more than two (in my area which is yummymummy ville) are also very active in the Church. They are also all SAHMs. There probably is no link, just my observation.

I teach in a secondary school and even at this age, the only sib sets who have more than two are families where they had two of the same gender first.

phdlife · 19/06/2009 12:34

I don't have more than 3 dc's but I am the oldest of 4 and we used to get a lot of odd comments - I remember a bunch from a teacher at my school when I was about 10.

I think people are generally scared of enthusiasm. Not just for kids, but for anything.

goldrock · 19/06/2009 12:39

clemette - thats interesting, you may be right about the age of your DCs I guess there won't be many with 4 under 4s. My area is pretty white/middle class but not really yummymummy.
mumblechum - no one has ever asked me about population control but I have so many childless by choice friends that I don't go any way towards keeping up the average iyswim

Pollyanna · 19/06/2009 12:40

I have 5 and have never been asked about population growth, although that it is one of my concerns.

On the other hand people have felt able to question whether they all have the same father (they do), whether I'm catholic (i'm not) and whether I have a television in my house (f*ck off) .

as well as more usual comments about having my hands full, being mad, etc etc.

I love having a big family but it is so rare to get a positive comment.

Congratulations OP!

lockets · 19/06/2009 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HeinzSight · 19/06/2009 12:47

A girl serving me in the shop yesterday saw my heavily pregnant bump and toddler in her pushchair and said 'ooh, soon you'll have 2, then you'll have your hands full!' I took great delight in telling her that I am currently pregnant with No 4.

I often tell people I'm doing my bit for the human population

gardeningmum05 · 19/06/2009 12:47

i have 4 and constantly get comments about being busy, hands full etc.
i feel under pressure to make sure they are ALWAYS well behaved, look smart and look happy because i think others will judge me to be a bad mum if they dont
saying that though, i love having a large family, and think they benefit from it, learn to share, not getting everything they want, older siblings learn how to deal with toddlers and babies.

goldrock · 19/06/2009 12:51

phdlife - what a good point about enthusiasm. My older DCs are all very sporty and I spend most of my out of school hours taking them to lessons/competitions/watching from the sidelines. I don't mind at all but I know that people think we're strange because we do so much and the DCs don't do screentime.
Heinzsight - this happens to me all the time as well if I only have 3 with me someone will always comment and I enjoy telling them there's a 4th one who isn't with me.

4madboys · 19/06/2009 13:02

i have four, all boys and i get the 'oh you must have been trying/hoping for a girl' ummmmm no healthy baby is all thanks.

people say you must be busy, or yo uhave your hands full etc but i tend to just say yes and i LOVE it

life is hectic but its fun and i might have another in a few years

FigmentOfYourImagination · 19/06/2009 13:09

I have 3 and find that 3 is far more socially unacceptable. In fact odd numbers in general seem to be more unacceptable.

I get asked frequently if/when I'm going to "round it up to a nice even number", despite the fact that my youngest is almost 7 and I have made absolutely no noises about extending my family.

Grrrr

onagar · 19/06/2009 13:14

Most of the time it's just something to say. An opening line like "it's been hot lately hasn't it" which is also a pretty pointless remark.

If someone gets a new car you ask about how fast it goes or how costly to run and you don't really care about the answer.

RenderedSpeechless · 19/06/2009 13:38

I have a boy and a girl and currently expecting another girl. almost without exception, the number of people (including family) that make crass comments borne out of their bewilderment makes my blood boil. Comments include:

'Why? You already have one of each, what are you trying to prove?'

'How on earth are you going to cope?'

'You are making problems for yourself because there will be an "imbalance"'.

'Just shows that accidents can happen at any age'.

'Why would you put yourself and the family through that?'

Well I struggled to understand most of these comments and gave up when I concluded that the scepticism was more about them than me.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 19/06/2009 14:10

I have three girls, would have loved a fourth but it didn't happen, but there are a huge number of families with four children at our primary school - some middle class, some not. I've never observed any anti-large family prejudice at all. I wouldn't call my three a small family though, in my generation of Ireland I had plenty of friends who were from families of 8 to 12.

Ceolas · 19/06/2009 14:17

I am 32 weeks with number 5 atm. A couple of days ago I met someone I don't know very well but hadn't seen for a few months.

She was surprised to see me pregnant again and asked "Is it number 4?". I said "No, it's number 5" and sh replied with her eyes popping out "Was it a mistake?!"

Why do people care how many children you have?

magnolia74 · 19/06/2009 14:18

I have 5 and although I don't get bad comments I do get the one about t.v's and being thankful #5 was a boy

You can't win though, when I had 3, people were always saying oh are you going to stop now, Now I have 5 they are saying So when is #6!!

The hands full coment doesn't bother me beacuse Yes I Do

Peachy · 19/06/2009 14:22

We get 'will you keep going until you get a girl?'

No. We wanted four. Same as people who want two often stop there.

'OOh you've got your hands full' is annoying through constancy but very true in all fairness.

Very few four child famillies here- I can think of 3 others (though there may be a few where older sibling is at Comp I guess).

pamelat · 19/06/2009 14:28

I only have one (DD) but we are about to start trying for number two. I admire all of you! I would love a large family but think I would be rubbish at it. Its tiring having one!!

If I ever said you had your hands full it would be meant in a nice way

The other comments are just silly/thoughtless through to nasty (possibly jealous?)

My grandma passed away at the weekend and told me she had always wanted 4 so in some respects I feel I should do that for her but she started younger than me x

Stigaloid · 19/06/2009 14:30

I met a woman at christmas who was about to have her 9th baby! I nearly fell on the floor in sheer amazement and awe.

Deeeja · 19/06/2009 14:31

We have been having comments since ds4 was born, although people normally ignore my eldest since he is adult and independant now, so consider him to be our 3rd. Now that I am pregnant with no 5, the only ones to congratulate us are my big brother and my lovely sister. Everyone else seems to think I shouldn't have anymore since mine are all on autistic spectrum, and how will we cope with another one it will be so hard etc., 'poor you'. All I want is a large family, I love the chaos, the fun, and I love my boys so much.
I am expecting a little girl now, and have had 'so you will stop now' comments. Although secretly I think I would like to fit one more in while I can, if I can persuade dh.
P.s. don't know how to look after a girl, sounds silly, but am a little worried, I know where I am with boys. But that is a whole different topic.I do not even know how to dress one, there seems to be such a confusing array of clothes available. Oh yes, I have though of all the important stuff

Peachy · 19/06/2009 14:33

Deeja your family must be simil;arish to mine then- ds1 ASD / HFA, ds2 suspected dyspraxia, ds3 ASD. DS4- ????? too young to know.

It isn't something that would stop us having a ds5 if we wanted one, we just don't.

Though we have debated requesting the LEA fund a private vasectomy for DH LOL

pamelat · 19/06/2009 14:34

You are almost convincing me to have lots. I am not good with "chaos" but I guess chaos arrives with one anyway so maybe I should just have lots!

zeke · 19/06/2009 15:01

TBH, I think most people just seem to expect everyone to have 2-3 kids.

I get a few comments about only having one. Thankfully, only a couple felt the need to take it further and tell me I was selfish or my son would be self-centered.

I probably don't get as many as you as I am sure a lot of people assume we have fertility issues (DS is nearly 5), which we don't, so shut up. My husband doesn't want any more though and I don't particulary want to keep dredging that back up - I'm ok with it (ish) but I certainly didn't plan this.

I am sure I am guilty of saying something like 'your hands will be full' etc but only as something to say. I guess it is just one of those silly things people say. I certainly don't think it is socially unacceptable to have more than three (if you are good at parenting and can afford it)!

A friend of ours had her fifth a while back and I was in awe I think. She is just such a fantastic natural mother who genuinely loves it, so calm etc. Her husband loves a house full of children too, he is really patient and works extremely hard to support them all.

alexpolismum · 19/06/2009 15:56

I am pregnant with #3 and already have a ds and a dd.

So far I have had:

  • You already have one of each, why are you having another one?
  • Was it an accident?
  • Can't you tell your dh to leave you alone? he didn't rape me to get me pregnant!
  • You really should be more careful or find a better sort of contraception.

Whatever happened to plain old congratulations?

However, it's true that you can't win. My cousin has just one child and is told she is selfish, he will be spoilt, etc, etc.