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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mums with more than 3dc's - why does is seem socially unacceptable to have more than 3?

125 replies

igglepigglegotobed · 19/06/2009 09:18

When I was pregnant with my 3rd I got comments like "oh your going to be busy". Now the fourth is on it's way I cant tell you how many people have asked me if I know what contraception is. I have even been asked if they share the same dad!

In my area in particular it seems people get the "vicky pollard" impression of anyone who has a number of children.

Would it be unreasonable to start wearing my hair in a high ponytail? What do MN's think?

Yeah or but no

OP posts:

PeachyTheRiverParrettHarlot · 21/06/2009 13:05

I'm not sure we don't fly as a result on conscience (though might if it were even an option)- we don't fly coz the idea of being trapped in a cabin at altitude with 2 asd kids and 2 others is a bit like my idea of hell .

One of the main decisions we finally amde in having ds4 was to lighten the load on ds2 who has the two asd briothers- he mnay not care for them but I imagine he will always be involved at some level and that it could be nightmarish once we passed. Life's complicated, there are lots of and / or bits, and though we always planned 4 I don't know if we'd have made that jump in different circumstances.

jellybeans · 21/06/2009 13:12

I have 5 DC and once I had 4 (went from 2 to 4 as had twins) and 5 people made comments! I don't worry about population/climate as we are very frugal and rarely go abroad etc. I have friends with 1 or 2 kids who consume far more than us! Also think that overpopulation in poor countries is misunderstood.

BarrelOfMonkeys · 21/06/2009 15:31

Sorry, didn't realise this thread was only for people who already HAD big families.

Anyway, wasn't intending to lecture, just raise the point. Families with 3+ kids here are not equivalent to families with 3+ kids overseas necessarily, in terms of environmental impact. That's all. As you were...

BarrelOfMonkeys · 21/06/2009 15:32

Oh god, actually just read the thread title properly, sorry. [.

(In my defence I clicked through from the MN Talk homepage link which didn't make that clear)

PacificDogwood · 21/06/2009 15:33

@ monkeys

BarrelOfMonkeys · 21/06/2009 15:37

< pops back in with bunch of flars by way of apology for Peachy, hides face in shame from Dogwood and really really leaves this time.>

disneystar1 · 21/06/2009 16:15

i love al my children dearly and they are unique and special to me and utterly my world.
ive got 7 children had 1 mc and we lost our baby girl as she was a prem baby

weve got and its been estabilished a very rare genetic problem and as a result my nearly 1 yr old son is now terminal....

i get people all the time especially older ladies and men really saying the hands full comment and i always make time to chat as i imagine they are either lonely or remembering there times as a full time mother or just envious, either way its lovely to chat about your children and brightens so many peoples days. of course we get the negative people and these are not worth answering really. we have our large family and are proud
and damn rightly so.
also im nearly 42 and considering having one last baby , i think i wont happen as 1 i have ms and my baby is so ill he needs me more than ever now and focusing on him has to come first. but i always wanted 10

i always use real nappies, recycle everything we grow pur own fruit and veg, organic freaks we even have an eco friendly house, not on any benefits.
but yet people still pre judge us not all but some.

chegirl · 21/06/2009 17:40

Hi Disneystar,

So sorry to hear about your mc and the loss of your preemie little girl. Its very sad that your little boy has a terminal condition. I hope you are getting some support?

Since losing my DD I have pretty much thought 'sod it' when it comes to having more. I am your age (42 in July). Nothing really seems more important than kids anymore. We will never be rich, we dont travel, my OH has a disability so we are pretty limited in some ways. Instead of thinking we shouldnt it just makes me think why the hell not! I have realised that kids are what make me happy, we can give them a wonderful life even if they do have to share a room .

I envy you your 7 children, I have always wanted 6 .

Not sure I would be as commited as you when it comes to nappies and growing fruit though

positiveattitudeonly · 21/06/2009 19:07

Amusing to read all your comments. I am mum to 5 now. We had 1, who unfortunately died, and was told I would not be able to have any more. Then went on to have 3 girls....apparently trying for a boy,...then a boy.....then adopted a girl to complete family. I love big families. I was youngest of 5, so just carrying on tradition. Yes they are all the same father (obviously adopted one has different mum & DAD). From my siblings they have 4, 5, 1(health reasons) 4 and us with 5. All say we had a wonderful childhood and want to share our experience. We certainly aren't affluent, we work hard and are definitely not draining any government benefits. We stand on our own too feet.
I would recommend it to anyone, but yes you would probably say we are "religious". But that didn't come into it for me! Only to give me more patience I suppose.....although sometimes I think my kids would totally disagree with me having any more patience!

flatcapandpearls · 21/06/2009 19:19

I bet most comments are driven by admiration and maybe envy. For a number of reasons I can only have one child, this hurts more than I can put into words. It often means that when I am around people who have a large family I feel a mixture of pain, envy and uncomfort which may lead me to say things that come across in the wrong way.

chegirl · 21/06/2009 19:38

If its any comfort flatcap I rarely get upset by comments unless they are blatently rude.

I dont even consider that I have a large family. Mostly people just feel the need to say something in the way of conversation.

I expect you get similar type comments because you have 1 DC and I am sure they can be hurtful.

Quattrocento · 21/06/2009 19:40

There is always the ecological argument, of course. Which no-one seems to have mentioned on this thread ... So I thought I would even though it's bound to be inflammatory.

chegirl · 21/06/2009 19:45

Its been mentioned quite a few times actually.

curlyredhead · 21/06/2009 19:51

Have you been reading the same thread as me, Quattro? Ecolgical issues have been mentioned about three times already...

We have three dds - singleton and twins. I get the 'hands full' comments all the time - I practically hug anyone who expresses the same sentiment in different words! I know they are just making nice chit chat but the exact same words over and over does get a bit boring!

First person to suggest we should try for a boy was the midwife in the postnatal ward less than 24 hours after i'd given birth to twins I'd love to have more but pg makes me feel awful and little babies make
me anxious... so will be stickng at three here.

saggyjuju · 21/06/2009 19:51

it does get frowned upon,i have 2 from my first marriage and 2 from my second,there is a big age gap aswell,i used to have a car that had pullup blinds in the rear doors so i pulled them up in the back because people would stare on the school run,i know they thought i was creaming all the benefits i could! quite funny really have worked permanently and the children were always cared for by one of us parents whilst the other worked. i dont care anymore because i now look at the people with just one child who quite claerly arent doing a good job at the parenting side,then i look at my 4 who are turned out clean and tidy and doing very well,i just smile now to myself now

londonartemis · 21/06/2009 21:03

I have four - three boys and a girl and get the hands full comments (which I don't mind because it's true).
I haven't had the carbon footprint comments, but as many of the parents round here are driving gas guzzlers and flying off all over the place with their kids, I don't feel they can talk. I can't remember the last time we were in a plane.
We find four expensive, and I think some mothers I know think we shouldn't have had as many children, as we do not have as fancy a lifestyle as they do, and we have had to watch the money and compromise a lot with the arrival of each one.
Most of my oldest closest friends actually don't have any children, so I don't feel bad about having four. I didn't have the first till I was late 30s and people were surprised I was having any. However the questions got ruder with each pg - 'Was it planned? What age are you now? You're mad! Babies/nappies? Broken nights - you want all that again?'
I was rather taken aback as I thought it very rude, but actually think some people are extremely jealous about other people getting pg. A father at my dd's school ALWAYS makes a rather pitying comment to me about being a mother of four everytime he sees me. If only I had time to perfect a snooty look to throw at him!

Mamulik · 21/06/2009 21:36

my mum had 3 kids in Soviet Union, so everybody commented, and coments was not very good. I am the youngest of 3. But it was fantastic to have 2 older sisters.

flibbertywidget · 21/06/2009 21:38

It's a no win situation this bearing kids lark. If you just have one, someone blathers on about it being an "only child" as if you are locking it away from all social interaction and they will try an convince you it will grow up with social issues. As soon as you are PG with #2, the rolled eyes start, and 3 or more, forget it... don't forget, you are now "owned" by clucking grannies and naysayers... I say, good luck to you, wish I could have more, if it weren't for the cost of IVF....

Oh and mumblechum ---- most of these "poor countries" sadly cannot afford birth control. I can assure, having worked as a volunteer in India and Africa, most of the women would prefer NOT to be pregnant for all their adult life and have to worry about another mouth to feed.

steviesgirl · 22/06/2009 01:28

Well I've only got 1 and I don't know if I want anymore, and I'm sure people do and will judge me on that. It seems having more than 2 you're judged and having just one you're judged. Seems you can't win. At the end of the day it's no-one elses business how many kids you have ffs.

How many dc's you have is a very personal choice and decision. You have to bring them up. Why can't people leave their nosey conks out of it?!

Nancy10 · 24/06/2009 16:38

Tell me about it! I have the acceptable 3 but would like 4. I know when it happens people will say the following:
.Are u hoping its a girl (have 3 boys)
.What a shame to go back to nappies again,
.You must be mad
And so on...

Why do people feel its their right to pass judgement.
It's the same with names, people ask what names you've thought of and then feel its their place to criticise!

skidoodle · 24/06/2009 16:41

But hold on, ARE you having any more or not?

Qally · 24/06/2009 16:44

I'm jealous! I got started mid-thirties, due to life going that way, so am appreciative of being able to have my ds and will be really grateful for two. I'd love more, though.

Nancy10 · 24/06/2009 23:19

In reply to skidoodle Not sure!

Sugarkane · 24/06/2009 23:33

My sister actually told my that I dont know what its like to be a mum when I got preg with my second as my DD1 isnt yet 2, she told me I wasnt to plan anymore after this one as I will not cope, its beyond me why people think they can say anything to preg women.

mumto5boys · 14/09/2009 11:42

i have 4 little boys and im 7mth pregnant with my 5th boy, i look really young and get loads of comments about having my hands full or not having a tv, people can be rude but i dont think they mean to be,
Good luck with no 4 xxxx

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