To not want my dd (6) to know that some dads don't see their children?

[megapixels]

My dd, in Year 2, has got a book of short stories - and one of them is a chapter from Anne Fine's Crummy Mummy and Me. It's the one where the girl goes looking for her biological dad, whom she has never met until then (she is around 9 I think). AIU to skip that story and ask that the teacher not give her books of the sort in future? Dd was distressed enough when she knew that one of her friends has a step mother when her real mother was alive . I did explain to her about seperated families and that step mothers are not like those portrayed in fairy tales. She seems to have forgotten though as she was recently puzzling over "I went to my dad's" that had been written by someone in the class teddybear diary.

At this age I really don't want her to know that some dads (and mums) don't want to see their children. How do you explain that anyway? It would be different if it had to be discussed with her because of a real situation (eg. a friend at school) but is it so wrong that she thinks that all children live with their mums and dads who love them very much? She has time to learn about the realities of the world in her own time through her own experiences without it being forced on her, isn't it? She's only 6, nearing 7. AIBU?

Seems that there are 2 distinct issues being confused here.

1. The fact that some families have only 1 parent.
2. The concept that some parents do not want to be a part of their children's lives.

I think the fact is quite acceptable for a 6 year-old to be exposed to, because as many have said, there are plenty of "good" (for want of a better word) reasons why one parent may be absent.

But I do think the the concept of some parents chosing to shun their children for no good reason is an upsetting one and not something a 6 yr old should really have to worry about and be upset by at this early stage in their lives. Time enough for understanding things like that later.

I remember being VERY upset for quite some time after hearing the story of oliver twist, at the age of about 6, because I was so sad at the idea that children could be orphaned and left out in the cold.

If it can be avoided, or explained in simple terms without going into details, I think it is not unreasonable to keep a 6 yr old from this kind of distress, but perfectly ok to explain that some families have just one parent and that this is normal and perfectly fine.

It is only the same as not wanting them to watch the news or eastenders as a way of temporarily protecting them from certain events in the world that might upset them until they are old enough to understand.

I think that Lewisfan was understandably annoyed, she was maybe rather aggressive but her DS is having to live it, so it is rather annoying to have those in their own cosy little worlds not even wanting their DC to know about it.

I had to discuss death with my 2 yr old-it isn't something that you would want to have to do. I was amazed at his reasoning-it followed all the things I had been through myself. I was very annoyed at the time because the only book I could find at the time was about a child whose great uncle Bob who was ill and died-firstly the character had no great importance in the child's life and secondly he was very old anyway. I couldn't find anything about fit and active young primary carers who were here one day and dead the next. I think that things have improved greatly now.
Children want to discuss these things (girls anyway). When I was a widow it was 5 and 6 yr old girls who wanted to ask me all about it and especially how I felt-they were very matter of fact-it was their parents who were deadly embarrassed and desperate to change the subject.
At the age of 6 a child can take in all sorts of different life styles-if they feel secure themselves and parents let them discuss it there isn't a problem IMO. As teafortwo said, if you have discussed and read about different families, cultures and feeling when young, it makes you much more understanding when older.

I'm so sad I've seen this so late.

I agree whole heartefly with LewisFan's sentiment

We know nothing about the OP's 'world' other than about this particular issue. It annoys me when posters 'rant' out of context and then get a pat on the back for it.

Those that think the issue should be avoided or explained very simply without going into too much detail (ie just saying some people only live with 1 parent) what do you suppose you do with a child who asks why X doesn't see their mum/dad. Are you saying we should lie?

We know that OP is living with her DD and her DH, her DDs father-which is lovely-most people would hope for the same in an ideal world. In reality this often doesn't happen, through no fault of the people concerned. I would be rather annoyed if my 6 yr old son was in a class of DCs who had no idea that fathers could die in accidents-I would rather that they had some understanding.

I think it is best to deal with these sorts of 'issues' with DC when they come up, as does the OP. However, an issue has obviously come up, albeit in a fictional scenario and the OP has 'chickened out' - I suspect she feels guilty for doing so, hence this thread.

To assume that she/or me is raising a mean-spirited child on this basis is just plain wrong.

LewisFan, you have been dealt a rough blow but having a chip on your shoulder about it will only grind you down (and others around you) in the long run.

nappyaddict - I personally wouldn't lie but I might not tell the whole truth. There is a world of difference between saying 'XYZ's daddy isn't interested in seeing her any more' and saying 'XYZ's mum and dad don't like each other anymore and so their daddy doesn't come to their house anymore' or something like that.

Obviously, there are all sorts of different situations where you might need to be a bit more creative with the reasoning, but there ARE ways of explaining this type of thing to a 6 year old without lying but also without upsetting them by giving them all the gory details. If the child comes back with questions and you can see that they are v curious and are understanding the info you are giving them, you might then end up giving them the whole story, but personally I think a 6 yr old doesn't need this info yet.

Lewisfan - totally agree with you and understand your anger at the OP.

I don't think anyone mentioned 'all the gory details' OP just need a quick, matter of fact, explanation and then move on.
My DS had a friend who never saw his father because the father moved out of his life and didn't want him. There was no need to go into detail.

What makes you think that a parent who doesn't live with a child doesn't want to see the child? What an odd thing to think.

This was one particular case, Lanky, if you are talking about me. The father has never seen him since he was under a year and he is now in his 20's. His mother would have liked her DS to have a relationship with his father .

Sorry I didn't get back to this earlier. I did come on, with a headache, and read the thread last night but my headache got worse seeing the number of replies .

Thank you to thedolly and others (only remembering the last names I read) who understand what I mean without trying to twist my post into a hatred of single/blended families. And GoodWitchGlenda who put it down so well.

My motives are only that I want to protect my child from what she doesn't need to know now, when she hasn't (as far as I know) come across the situation to ask about it. NOT single/blended families but quite simply the situation in the story (where a parent doesn't seem to have any interest in their child). When she comes across it in life then yes of course we will deal with it, but my issue is, should she have to learn it first from a book which is not even written for her age group? I don't think you'd see many books for 6 year olds which explores the topic of parents leaving their children? Yes it is a reality in life, but so is child abuse, and domestic violence, and so many other things that people wouldn't want their 6 year old reading about.

And I'm about posters who think that my OP somehow translates as not wanting my child to mix with children from single parent families. Seems like some people like feeling victimised for no reason.

The book is part of her reading homework, not a library book and it is just one chapter from Crummy Mummy and Me. The one where she goes looking for her "very own, real, biological father" or something like that as part of an assignment at school. The name of the book is called The Family Who Won a Million and Other Stories (well something like that) and the other stories have been fine.

Anyway, I've taken on board everything - even the criticism. I have come to the conclusion that it is quite possible that in my dd's innocence she could potentially say something quite hurtful to another child sometime. So I will not be letting her read that story now (sorry but it sounds really screwed up to me, she can read it later) but I will talk to her about the different types of families, including those where a parent is not in the picture.

Sorry not had time to read all the posts. I grew up with no dad from a very young age - what should i have done at school - not discussed it with anyone in case i upset someone who came from a "normal" family.

At the age of 6 i would have happily told anyone that my dad didnt want to know me and he didnt love me! Theres always a chance there is a child like that in the class or Brownies etc - what is your dd going to do then?

I dont think you can protect children from every little thing that may or may not upset them - life is upsetting

What's narrow-minded about this thread GOML?

You can encourage your children to be open-minded and non-judgemental by modelling such behaviour around them. Dealing openly with issues when they arise still allows for this. You couldn't possibly go into all the various permutations and combinations of family life that exist (so as to 'normalise' all of them) - it just isn't practical.

How many of your DCs know of same sex marriage for example - not many, I bet.

Nice to hear from you OP.

I am at the angry responses on here. It is a bit like being victimised for being 'normal'.

What do you mean being victimised for 'being normal'?

YABU
DS father and I use the term loosely has abandoned our DS. He is 22months and ex promptly got his next girlfriend pregnant and they have a 10 month old son.
Ex is such a twonk he has threatened to kill me and family if I don't get CSA off his back.
How I am supposed to explain any of this to DS I am unsure.
I feel hurt that we are now thought of as a family that needs to be 'hidden' from two parent families.

What is 'normal' thedolly??

What is wrong with just saying "not all families have a mummy and a daddy in them"

??

There's nothing wrong with my family unit which consists of 1 parent, 1 child. Just like there is nothing wrong with your family unti whatever that maybe.

My dd is just about to turn 7 and doesn't see her bio father. It doesn't mean you should make assumptions that he doesn't want to see her or that it's because we dont' lioke each other anymore. You're forgetting bereavement etc

My ds is aware that families are all different shapes and sizes. We are not religious so I have no issues explaining to my dd that some couples are the same gender and raise children etc or some people are raised by grandparents or adopted etc. In fact she has a book about too gay penguins which she wanted (innocent of the message but more for the bright colours) we read it sometimes. She knows they are both boys and that they lvoe each other

I try to encourage my child to accept that things are different for everybody and not to be judgemental.

Surely at 6-7 etc children should be learning about relationships and family dynamics. Part of that is to teach children that it doesn't matter what the family unit looks like as long as it's happy.

And while I'm here I just want to add that I am very very proud of my family. I would feel pity for anybody who thought less of me or my daughter because she 'doesn't have a dad'

I consider my family 'normal'. We don't bury bodies in the garden or 'owt like that

thedolly - this thread is narrow minded in my view as it assumes that a 2.4 children kind of life is the only one that she wants her daughter to have knowledge of. It is very common for children to have a parent who buggers off, to have a close family member die, to experience unhappiness. I am very happy that the OP and her family have not experienced any kind of pain, but I think it is very short sighted for the OP to try and shield her dd from the fact that horrible things are out there. If her dd has no awareness of that she could cause some upset in other children, as exampled in my earlier post. Can you imagine that it is very hard for a young child to be aware that their dad has no involvement in their life. My dd had to experience that. It would have made it immeasurably harder if any of her friends regarded her as some kind of 'freak' (for want of a better word) because of it.

Plus when I referred to narrow minded threads, I was thinking of a load of others on MN at the moment (mostly by troll Lola I have since discovered, fwiw).

Oh, and by the way I do have personal experience of gay parents - my mum (my dd's gran) is one and my brother was concieved in a gay relationship via donor insemination. It's not weird to me or dd.

I think ur being stuck up. and it would slap it up u if u ended up on ur own with NO DADDY for ur child. my childs dad died last year so she has no choice but not to see him. WHAT MAKES U THINK UR BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. nobody chooses to be own their own, and people like u turn my stomach.

I don't think anyone is questioning the concept of 1-parent families, just whether or not the concept of parents chosing to abandon their children is something a 6-yr-old can take and understand without finding it upsetting.

No-one who is a single parent needs to be upset by that question. I'm sure that those who are the parents left behind can understand that it is an upsetting concept and a lot for small children to take in, and that doesn't place any stigma on the parent or the children that are left behind, only on the parent who left, so there is no need to take offence at the question.

And to clarify, as yummimommy and I crossed posts, I am talking only about parents who left of their own accord, not those who were taken from you.

Very sad to hear your story, yummimommy.