To not want my dd (6) to know that some dads don't see their children?

[megapixels]

My dd, in Year 2, has got a book of short stories - and one of them is a chapter from Anne Fine's Crummy Mummy and Me. It's the one where the girl goes looking for her biological dad, whom she has never met until then (she is around 9 I think). AIU to skip that story and ask that the teacher not give her books of the sort in future? Dd was distressed enough when she knew that one of her friends has a step mother when her real mother was alive . I did explain to her about seperated families and that step mothers are not like those portrayed in fairy tales. She seems to have forgotten though as she was recently puzzling over "I went to my dad's" that had been written by someone in the class teddybear diary.

At this age I really don't want her to know that some dads (and mums) don't want to see their children. How do you explain that anyway? It would be different if it had to be discussed with her because of a real situation (eg. a friend at school) but is it so wrong that she thinks that all children live with their mums and dads who love them very much? She has time to learn about the realities of the world in her own time through her own experiences without it being forced on her, isn't it? She's only 6, nearing 7. AIBU?

Oh piss off.

That appears to be your answer to everything doesnt it?

This OP has upset a lot of people and so have you. We dont all feel sorry for ourselves. We dont want our kids stories being deemed too upsetting for some princess.

I have no reason to feel sorry for myself and I think your brief post is the bitchiest yet.

It would have been much more beneficial to have relayed your tragic story chegirl and followed it up with something like....

'I hope all those people who are happy to shelter their DC's from different family set ups will at least engender in them the ability to be accepting of peoples differences' OWTTE

I dont have a tragic story thedolly.

I did not post for your benefit either.

And I have changed my mind - your last post was even bitchier than the one before.

Congratulations.

chegirl - I wrote my last post before I read your last post (just so you know I'm not deliberately trying to wind you up)

Agree that my short post was bitchy and intentionally so - I was meeting like with like.

Your kids stories are upsetting but children do not need to be protected from them - the opposite. It is merely a question of how and when. That is what this thread is all about.

Apologies to those of you that I have offended.

If people could learn to not take offense when none is meant MN would be a much friendlier place. But then that requires real emotional intelligence .

Christ chegirl you didn't deserve that outpouring of vitriol from thedolly.

thedolly - why is it that you need to 'protect' your dcs from "different family set-ups". Really, why do they need protection fgs.

A moronic couple of posts from you there, and taking the piss out of chegirl's story is pretty low, imo.

I am thankful, btw, to see quite a lot of posts which are disagreeing with the OP.

I may be misunderstanding you but your posts seem to be deliberately provocative.

Do you mean that your 'Yet another poor me post with bitchy undertones'. Was a like for like response to me expressing my sadness at the OP's and your attitude to 'unpleasant' family circumstances?

If so, it would be you who appear to be taking offence where none is intended rather than I

Oh Thedolly, the emotional intelligence that you have shown on this thread has been truly astounding

Smiles all round for thedolly.

Makes everything ok doesnt it hun?

chegirl - For bitchness read 'God only knows what the little darlings' reactions will be. I wish I could protect my DS from that'

Lizzylou - you are right, my emotional intelligence has been somewhat lacking (at least in response to chegirl's post, that is what the smiley face was supposed to intimate.

GOML - you are right, children do not need to be protected and that is what I said.

I'm guessing the 'hun' thing is an in-the-know insult.

I have to repeat, I have been grateful for books and the opportunity they provide to discuss hard things, so you have some sort of background for when the real hard things come

dcs have had a lot of hard things to deal with in the last few years

I was very proud of ds (8) when he went to his friend's mum's funeral, in order to support his friend; I know it helped his friend, and I think it helped him too

I am sure it helped that we have been so much in the habit of talking over hard things from a much earlier age

books have been a good introduction

OK, so we all agree that children need protecting, all children.
And ignorance can lead to hurtful comments or even teasing because a child just doesn't understand a situation different to their own. So in order to preotect all children we need to educate.
So if education is key, YABU OP
And Thedolly, sorry if I misunderstood your .
MN can be a wonderful place and has made me open my eyes up, it's so easy to think that your own situation is "normal" and that's just not the case.

Only to me as far as I know. I am not particularly in the know when it comes to MN. I have only been here a while myself.

A at the end of a horrible comment does not make it any less horrible.

I didnt talk about my DS's situation to elicit pity. I do not talk about my DD's death to make people I dont know, and will never meet feel sorry for me.

It was to illustrate how some children have to deal with difficult live and the attitude of others can make it harder. The attitudes of some parents who seek to instil a kind of fear into their children regarding difference. Valid and hardly selfpitying and definately not 'poor me'.

Can see why you think my comment is bitchy. Its not directed at anyone in particular. Its a comment about children who may exist. Not quite sure why you took it so personally to be honest.

at OP

I agree that story is prob too old for a 6yo

You have to approach these things gently and individually, not chuck a kid with NO first hand experience in at the deep end as that would achieve nothing

However it WILL come up and best to be prepared for when that happens.

Fwiw I wish mine didn't know first hand that this happens, it's shit for them and it's not just a story. But there you go. Some kids are worse off.

thedolly - crossed posts with yours up the thread.

I think I may be at cross purposes here. Actually I have been splendidly inarticulate on this thread and others have said what I have wanted to say with a greater degree of sense.

Anyway thedolly I agree that there is no need to get into a bunfight, I do feel that personally I cannot be objective about this subject as I have direct experience of he results of my dd's father leaving for good. So if my responses have been spiky I apologise.

'Yet another poor me post with bitchy undertones. '

I think this is a horrible comment. My heart goes out to your DS, chegirl. Children have no control over their family circumstances. I think that if he is positive and friendly that other DCs will be very accepting-they are -when they are allowed to be.
It can help other DCs. OP has no idea what her family circumstances will be tomorrow or next week or next year.
My DS was always open about his father dying. I am sure it was helpful. When he was 10 yrs his best friend's father died-a healthy, active man one day-suddenly rushed into hospital and dead the next (no warning)-the friend could at least feel that he wasn't alone-his friend had been through it and survived.The best friend was from the 'ideal' family-2 parents and sister-I think it was much better for him to know that other people don't necessarily have that.

mascara My definition of knowing why is hearing it from that family themselves, not what you think you know that you heard from X who was told by Y who was told by Z. If I had only heard gossip I would tell my child I wasn't really sure why. But if I had been told from the horse's mouth so to speak I'm not sure I would want my child to find out I had lied to them.

People in this situation if it was your child my DS was asking about and I did know from you that it was because their dad wasn't ready to face up to his responsibility or because he didn't like mummy anymore would you rather I told my child this reason or said to my child I don't know you'll have to ask X or X's mummy?

"Seems like some people like feeling victimised for no reason."

One of the most patronising posts I've read on mn.

Knowing your child is being kept at a distance by a large number of parents who would not keep him at a distance if you had a husband, is not something anyone likes. And it's not being victimised either, it's our children who are having to deal with these shitty attitudes, not us. Adn yes, these attitudes do still exist, incredibly, in the 21st century and it's our children who are dealing with them. So fuck off with your accusation of LP's liking to feel victimised.

You can make all the right PC noises about all families being equal, but if you see our kids as being more pitiable/ unfortunate than your's, your kids are going to pick up on that and it will affect the way they relate to each other. So fuck off again, I can really see where Lewis is coming from with that outburst.

Oh and poor me

I hope that when the OP's child does encounter a different type of family from her own that the OP takes the time to explain the difference to her child and not leave it for the child to have to explain to the OP's child - which is what happened to my 4 yr old ds . All it did was to remind ds of why he is different from all his friends and that made him sad and me with the child's parent.

Mollie would you have been if the child had asked you, rather than DS?

No, not at all. The child asked ds in front of me and his mother and kept saying things. I was waiting for his mother to stop him but she just laughed . The sort of questions probably only a 4 yr old could ask - where is your daddy, is your daddy dead, why doesn't your daddy live with you, why don't you have a daddy, I do things with my daddy you don't etc etc. Ds who isn't known for being quiet said nothing and I felt embarrassed at having to tell the child that he was being silly and not very kind to my ds.

My ds is very well aware that he is the only child he knows without a dad in his life. I have parents' evening tomorrow and one of the questions I will have to ask is how have his teachers dealt with father's day. When I dropped him at school yesterday there were father's day cards all around the classroom that that children had obviously made. His teachers know his family situation but I don't know how they have dealt with this activity.

His first year at nursery he was upset as he was told to bring in a picture of his father to make a father's day card. I had explained to the nursery but they apparently forgot. Last year the head called me in advance to tell me what she had planned so I could manage it for ds.

It is utterly horrible having to deal with this every day through no fault of either ds or myself.

I am also on tenter hooks waiting to see if DS comes out of playgroup with a father's day card on Friday.

Ds was born on father's day which is pretty ironic! At least I won't have to wait until Friday to find out about cards.

I know it sounds stupid but I don't even know if his playgroup are aware he doesn't see his dad. Presumably I probably filled in something on a form when he started but I really can't remember

I wouldn't leave it to chance over the father's day card-I found it upsetting. My DS made one for Grandad, but they never took into account that we needed it on the Thursday in order to get it in the post.