To not want my dd (6) to know that some dads don't see their children?

[megapixels]

My dd, in Year 2, has got a book of short stories - and one of them is a chapter from Anne Fine's Crummy Mummy and Me. It's the one where the girl goes looking for her biological dad, whom she has never met until then (she is around 9 I think). AIU to skip that story and ask that the teacher not give her books of the sort in future? Dd was distressed enough when she knew that one of her friends has a step mother when her real mother was alive . I did explain to her about seperated families and that step mothers are not like those portrayed in fairy tales. She seems to have forgotten though as she was recently puzzling over "I went to my dad's" that had been written by someone in the class teddybear diary.

At this age I really don't want her to know that some dads (and mums) don't want to see their children. How do you explain that anyway? It would be different if it had to be discussed with her because of a real situation (eg. a friend at school) but is it so wrong that she thinks that all children live with their mums and dads who love them very much? She has time to learn about the realities of the world in her own time through her own experiences without it being forced on her, isn't it? She's only 6, nearing 7. AIBU?

Haven't read all the thread but Monkeyfeathers made some very good points.

I have often felt angry( if this is the right word) about "fairy stories" and crap Disney type hype videos which are often very steriotypical. Eg the princess who gets the prince is always the beautiful, thin, usually blond, blue eyed, submissive type.
The step mother is virtually always a bitch. Her poor, docile husband cannot help but play along with said bitch stepmother and allow his children to suffer, yet never gets the blame as he cannot help himself, it is after all,always the fault of the step mother.
Now we still allow our children to read this trash,and watch the dvds but what basis does it have in reality?
My daughter loves Jaqueline Wilson, admittedly she is older, whose characters are far removed from her own life. My dh and I were married long before she was born and are very happy together, unlike the settings for most of the JW characters however what I am trying to say is that I don't think this will harm my child. Instead I think it allows her to see that not all families are as happy as ours(I don't want to sound like a saint btw!!)and get a more rounded take on life.
Also some of my fave books as a child were the Enid Blyton "Mallory Towers" books and my life was far removed from the jolly hockey sticks type of childhood.
So I would tell your daughter straight, it is just a story about a little girl whose father is not in contact with her and she is trying to find him.
Sorry for long post.

I did put "policing" in inverted commas! What I meant was that I think 6 is very young for some of the adult themes writers like Jacqueline Wilson address, and I would want to know what my 6 year old was reading so that we could talk about it. And yes, there are some I wouldn't want a 6 year old to read.

When my 7 year old brought home a David Almond from the school library I flicked through it and decided I didn't want him to read the graphic and gory description of a performer piercing his face with huge needles. Similarly I didn't want my dd to read the J Wilson about a girl being sexually abused by her elder brother at 7.

I don't think this amounts to book burning. And it is diferent from not wanting children to know that there are more types of family than the nuclear!

Well reality is always a good thing to introduce to children imo, of course it depends ontheir age, yet I think 6 almost 7 is old enough to discuss this situation.

For me, it is a reality in that my dd who is 7, has had very sporadic contact with her daddy. Her reality is that she has been through a bout 4 yrs of trauma, and she gets comfort about knowing there are others in her situation.

Whilst it is not the norm for your dd, it may well help her if she is faced with kids in her class, like mine, who would value it if it was 'known' that this situation 'happens'.

iyswim

It's like al those new things we have to face with them, what do we want them to 'know', like sex, death bullying. It's best to be opne and try and explain in a way thats most suited to them.

Not all Jacqueline Wilson covers those themes,ones like Cliffhanger and Buried Treasure are very funny. I had very reluctant DS readers so I didn't have to 'police' anything-I got to the point that I was grateful if they read anything!
I was a reader as a DC but I don't think I would have wanted to read things that were too adult at 6 yrs. However by the time I got to 9 or 10 I would just have read them in secret.

I had precocious readers and had to address this sort of thing often. There is huge difference between 6 and 10!

I would want to know more about the book of short stories and whether she was given it like a reading scheme book, or whether it was in the library and she chose it.
I would say that Crummy Mummy was fine to read to 8/9yr olds-in fact on supply I read part to a Yr4 class, it was their class reader. I wouldn't choose to read it to YR2, which is why I think OP needs to say more about the context.

"At this age I really don't want her to know that some dads (and mums) don't want to see their children"

I understand that Megapixels but think of the flip-side for one parent families (me included)

'Am I being unreasonable to tell my 3 dcs that some dads do love and see their children?'

Count your blessings but do what you think is right. It isn't a rarity being in a one-parent family. I know it embarasses one of my sons deeply and a lot of his friends don't know that his dad is as good as absent. He said that worst thing for him is when his friends talk about how great their dads are

Life is life

And for what it's worth. I never met my mother or father. I was born very premautre and had a life-threatening condition. My parents just left me in hospital and did what they had to do (birth mum ended up having half a dozen children she couldn't cope with)

I have been lucky in that I was fostered my fantastic parents who to this day, will always be my parents. They married and stayed married and are still in love 100 years down the line

The point I'm trying to make is that my dcs have seen both sides of the coin and it hasn't damaged them. They are well-adjusted children

Do you stop her reading Hansel and Gretel on account of it having a father who abandons his children in the woods? Is your DD too young to know that such fathers exist? Or Beauty and the Beast, because he promises a monster his daughter in return for a meal and a bed? Or Cinderella because he allows his daughter to be treated as a skivvy? Or.. or ... or...there are so many negative images of families in traditional stories, do you stop her reading about them? Or is it just modern-day tales which worry you and if so why?

1 in 4 families in this country is headed by a lone parent. Statistically, your DD is bound to have some people in her class who are growing up in households where they do not live with one parent. What exactly are you trying to protect her from?

Oops should have read thread properly first.

thedolly on Mon 15-Jun-09 15:05:09
"Would I be right in assuming that the majority of posters who think that the OP is BU are from/part of a blended family and those who think she is not BU are not?"

Not in my case, certainly: dh and I have been together for 26 years and he was my first boyfriend. And our parents also stayed married.

But when the harsh realities of life have hit my dcs, I have been thankful for the first gentle preparation provided by good books.

Agree with Seeker about the formulaic nature of Jacqueline Wilson, but did not ban dd from reading her for this reason, just drew a huge sigh of relief when she moved on to Middlemarch.

Similar to cory here. Me and OH together for 20 years, both sets of GPs in long marraiges.

Even before my adopted DS came along I introduced various 'issues' to my DCs. I always used books to help with this. I still have most of them.

Its a bit of a running joke, the amount of ishos my kids had to read about

A particular favorite was something along the lines of 'Jesus and Gonzales, slaves at 10 years old'.

Since adopting DS our collection has grown to include books on adoption, bereavement, special needs, families, illness etc etc.

I dont know how I would manage with out Amazon!

We love Todd Parr in our house.

Literature for me is so many things. However, personally, the greatest wonder of it is that through something as simple as printed words, we are able to really feel what it would be like to be in someone's other than our own shoes, to enter someone-else's world.

As a child along with lovely cute books about Sam Pig, Little Grey Rabbit school girl tales and every fairytale you can name I read about children growing up in war zones, the shocking levels of racism in South Africa, poverty, cancer, people with special needs, abusive parents and many more issues parents and teachers might not have felt entirely comfortable seeing a little toothy blonde girl growing up in rural England filling her head with. I thank my parents and teachers for encouraging my reading and explaining to me any questions I had related to the things I read.

I feel my reading really gave me a good set of tools to use in life. In my late teens and early twenties I became very good friends at around the same time with two South Africans one black, one white and I didn't need them to explain in detail why they think or feel how they do about life or why they didn't get on because of novels I had read I had some understanding - one of them said "You just get me, funny...not many people here do." My DH lived for part of his childhood in a war zone and the first time I saw his terrible night terror I realized what was happening because I had read about it in literature. These are just two drop in the ocean examples of how reading equipped and continues to equip me for life. I feel that I constantly draw on what I have read in books just to get through everyday stuff!

Reading provides knowledge and understanding which are so useful in this world. Why would you want to deny your dd such useful things by censoring her reading?

I think you should read this extract you speak of with your daughter. Actually I think you should ESPECIALLY read it with her if in real life she is yet to pick up on children not living with their Father (this is very surprising!?!). Then the day that a school friend explains to her when they are washing their hands for lunch "Guess what... I'm going to see my Dad tonight...HA! I can't wait." She will be equipped to react in a sensitive and worldly way.

"Agree with Seeker about the formulaic nature of Jacqueline Wilson, but did not ban dd from reading her for this reason, just drew a huge sigh of relief when she moved on to Middlemarch."

pmsl that line itself should be mounted and framed.

i thought this kind of schniz was covered by seseme street? i mean we had fred and ernie - i think we all know what that was alluding to, there was always all colour kids with all colour parents and stories about how even when its aunty or grandma who cares for you - you are still a family ---- aww

My cousins are in year 2 (turned 7 in May) They are both perfectly aware that DS' daddy doesn't want anything to do with him.

I don't really know any other children younger than them except for DS' own friends who are between the ages of 1 and 3 and none of them have questioned it yet. However I am not so naive that I don't think any of them will ask about it before the age of 6.

I agree entirely with teafortwo, I lived a very secure life in rural England with both parents and two brothers, and I read all sorts. I really can't stand the thought that someone should have been censoring my reading, even at 6 yrs.The great thing about books is that you can be in someone else's shoes in the way that you can't with a film.

In OP's place I would have used it for the basis of a discussion-not tried to block it out.

I'm lost for words.

You're bloody pathetic.

Your little girl isn't so fragile as to break if explained to in a way she can understand and accept that some parents have different priorities.

DS hasn't seen his monster of a "dad" since he was 1. He's 7 soon. Does that mean he's to be pitied? felt sorry for? does it fuck.

Better he is alive without a father than died at the hands of him - surely.

But alas, now perhaps I have an idea why none of his classmates are particularly friendly with him - perhaps the parents are teaching the kids to stay away from the oh-so-poor single child from the single mother.... and watch the husbands too - dangerous thing, a single mother

It's pathetic.

I'm sure you don't need a script, but for fuck's sake, don't tell her families are only 2 adults and x children. That'll fuck her right up in her older years.

are NOT particularly friendly - so angry I can't make sense

All sorts of situations (and apologies I've not read 196 posts before adding my twopenneth) but when I saw - "What I want to shield my daughter from is the knowledge that some dads and mums don't want to be a part of their children's lives. That must be hard for a child to take?" - I just had to add:

There are lots of reasons why one parent is not part of their child's/children's life... In my case, my father died when I was 6. Fortunately, with three elder sisters and a half-brother I had plenty of family and hardly noticed... (Mum was first widowed at age 19 in 1939, then widowed second time in 1965.)

So yes, for me, it does seem a bit 'precious' to expect her to believe all children have Mum + Dad to love and care about them... while separation and so on are an unhappy part of life, it is sometimes for the better and both parties move on... one partner dying is clearly not desirable, but compared with hostilities between separated partners, might be a 'simpler' situation.

As for what step-mothers do in fairy tales, I've no clue, I'm sorry.

Society is far more complicated these days than M + D + 2.4 children and it's not something to get 'upset' about, but some people have 'different' living arrangements, and so long as there's love and happiness, they should all be acceptable.

As for discussing situations where there are rows, or worse, violence, that's a whole different ball park... and surely 'separated' is a better situation to stop suffering, so worth including in family scenarios for your daughter, IMO.

Lewisfan - Actually - Your family sound like the kind of family I would actively encourage my dd to be friends with.

You and your son sound like real lovers of life and feisty with it - (wowza, what a post)!!! And... that is exactly the kind of family I want my dd rubbing shoulders with and reading about.

piscesmoon - 'I agree entirely with teafortwo'. Mwaah mwaaah!!!! Print, mount, frame - I do so love it when people agree with me!!!! Especially on matters close to my heart.

NeworkGuy.... your post was so sensitive, thought provoking and meaningful. Seriously - it was really quite over-whelming to read. Thanks for posting about your life.

I think Lewisfan's post is bordering on abusive. I can think of a reason why no one
is particulary friendly to your DS, nothing to do with his Dad.

@ thedolly
Lewisfan is obviously sensitive as she wouldn't want other children finding her son's family situation at all strange or abnormal. Don't we all want to protect our children?