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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my darling teen niece has lied about something so serious she has potentially ruined someones career?

354 replies

ReesiRoo · 13/06/2009 11:37

My lovely neice is 13 years old. Since the start of secondary school at age 11 she has been bullied. Although it has been all verbal and never violent, it has had a huge impact on her life and i've seen her go from a bubbly, confident girl to one who sits in her room constantly and doesn't know how to communicate anymore. It got to the point where DNeice was getting abuse from most of the kids in the class at every lesson, at break time, walking home from school, so it was happening several times a day. She is very bright but hates school or anything remotely academic as a result of the bullying.

My sister (neices mum) knows all about the bullying but has as much told her to get on with things and tell the kids to fuck off. Easy enough if neice was like that, but she is so painfully shy, it is never going to happen. I have thought about going into school to sort it for neice, but I didn't want anything bad to come of it, like making it worse for her, or my sister and I falling out. My neice has asked sister to move school on so many occasions, but Dsis has always refused, just for an easy life I suspect.

So now after 2 years of this DNeice has made an allegation towards one of her teachers. I can't go much into it but the teacher has been suspended and police have been involved. Dsis is STILL making DNeice go to school while all of this is happening and somehow, the kids in her class have got to know about it and as you can imagine, her life is a living hell with all the questioning and pointing, and word spreads quickly, so most of her year know about it now.

Thing is, I think my neice's allegations are false. I completely understand her reasons for coming up with this allegation, she wanted a way out, a way to actually make sis send her to a new school as it was probably the only way for her to get out of this hell hole of a school. I don't know what to do. If I ask DNeice directly, she will think I don't trust her and I am really the only adult figure in her life who she sees as reassurance and trustworthy, someone to talk to (least I hope she feels that way). Please advise.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2009 12:43

It only works for me because I am skilled at knowing when someone is not telling the truth. I work as a rape counsellor and I am always (so far) with women who are telling the truth.

It is very rare dittany that a child would lie but the picture the OP has painted provides the best conditions for lying, a disinterested non-supportive mother and being consistently bullied. The child sounds desperate.

dittany · 13/06/2009 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2009 12:46

sorry, posted too soon.

The child sounds desperate not machiavellian, it is likely she does not comprehend the consequences of her actions (very few 13 year olds do), it is the actions of a desperate child who needs a lot of empathy and support.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2009 12:48

Of course they make the right conditions for a predator, isolated children are.

The OP needs to support her and make it ok for her to say whether she is not telling the truth in order to move schools. It is very hard to make that ok.

I am increasingly pissed off with the OP's sister.

dittany · 13/06/2009 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Triggles · 13/06/2009 12:54

It would also be good to keep in mind that you questioning her about the incident could negatively have an impact on the investigation by the authorities. And if the allegation is true, that could be devastating. I'd recommend you let the professionals/authorities handle questioning her, and you focus on just being supportive for her regardless of the outcome.

The same conditions that make her seem "desperate to switch schools" also make her an incredibly easy target for sexual predators. I just find it sad that it is assumed that she is lying.

KristinaM · 13/06/2009 12:55

please encourage your daughter to get some profesional support for your niece

if these allegations are true, she will need it as she will be interviewed by the police and may have to give evidence

if they are not true, she is more likely to disclose this and the reasons for it to soemone outside her family

i think talking to yourself is a bad idea. sorry.

you coudl see Gp and ask for an urgent referrel

also contact teh charities that work in your area to see if any do counselling. Childline will give you details of them

scaryteacher · 13/06/2009 12:55

But not all teachers are predators Dittany; I for one am not. You are also assuming that the allegation is sexual in nature - it could be about bullying or being racist, as I had hurled at me once, involving an interview with the HoY and my HoD and the child concerned.

Yes, the OPs dn needs support but so does the teacher involved if the allegation is false.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2009 12:58

I don't think it shows a sophisticated understanding, I think it might show that she thought that was the only way out and is clinging desperately to it.

I always believe everyone I come into contact with unless I know them really well, well enough to have a gut feeling about their behaviour.

It's also possible that she has been so damaged by her mother's treatment that she has now convinced herself that what happened is the truth, frankly that's the worst of all scenarios.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2009 13:02

After reading what everyone else has said I am going to reiterate that talking to her and sharing my concerns about what happened is only what I would do if I didn't believe her.

Maybe what the OP should do is tell her that she supports her and be really overt about saying that she would understand if she hadn't told the truth, really empathise with how difficult her life has been.

KristinaM · 13/06/2009 13:03

of course some children and young people lie about sexual abuse. some for " a laugh" or revenge and some for more complex reasons

they can destroy the lives of innocent people

many other disclose and are disbelieved

its complex and OP is not going to able to sort it our herslef

please get some help for the girl

i agree that the teacher concerned needs help, but there is nothing the Op can do about that

OrmIrian · 13/06/2009 13:04

I wouldn't question her. Just let her know ou are on her side (re all the school issues) and that she can tell you anything she wants to.

But I agree with scaryteacher - if this isn't true that is one teacher's career fucked up royally

BonsoirAnna · 13/06/2009 13:05

It sounds like a very typical situation: a child is very unhappy about something, but the adults around her who are in a position to do something to improve her situation do nothing/dismiss her anxieties. So the child has to invent something much worse in order for her cry for help to receive attention.

Your niece is not to blame here. It would be a tragedy if she were to be made to feel guilty for lying in such circumstances.

Lizzylou · 13/06/2009 13:08

Gosh, I think you just have to be there for her, keep chatting to her in case she opens up about it. If you are the only caring adult willing to listen to her and understand her then she will open up, I'm sure.
It is entirely possible that a teacher recognised that she was an outsider at school, built up her trust and abused her, but of course, he may well not.
Poor young girl.

Triggles · 13/06/2009 13:09

But it's not the OPs responsibility to support the teacher in the allegation. It IS however, good for her to support her DN. The teacher will have their own support network, regardless.

I think you're doing your DN a serious mis-service by assuming she is lying. I agree that she needs professional help, someone OUTSIDE the family and school that she can talk to and feel safe enough to either disclose details of the encounter or state if she has made it up. Honestly, I'd be surprised if she made it up - if she was a pretty ballsy kid, that'd be one thing, but you mentioned she was shy and very isolated - think of how difficult it must have been for her to even come forward to tell anyone. How would YOU feel if it were YOU and this had all happened - and then one of your main supports intimated that they thought you were lying - how devastated would you be??

Thingiebob · 13/06/2009 13:09

Talk to her. Explain what will happen to the teacher in question in factual way - how it will damage their life, career and the life of their family so that she understands how crucial it is for to be telling the truth. If she is as good and nice as you say she is, then at this point she will probably withdraw the allegation if it is untrue.

Tell her that she needs to be absolutely sure that she has hasn't made a mistake or misunderstood. If there is the slighest doubt in her mind she should not go ahead with this allegation, but if there isn't, then she should as this teacher shouldn't get away with this behaviour. Make it clear that you will be there for her and support her whatever her decision.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2009 13:09

Yes, I want to agree very much with what BA has said, I really, really blame the girl's mum for not supporting her. It would be tragic if this whole situation ended up with it being found out she lied and her being blamed for that. If she has lied she is going to need a mountain of support - perhaps the OP could seek advice from CAHMS?

I want to also make it really clear that I don't 'believe' the girl lied (I don't know her) and that my comments are only towards supporting the OP if she doesn't believe her and knows her well enough to want to do something with that.

BonsoirAnna · 13/06/2009 13:13

I actually think it is highly probable that this girl is lying: she is so desperate for attention to her plight that she has thought up a problem that will not go unnoticed by adults.

TotalChaos · 13/06/2009 13:23

yabu. I think it would be very damaging for your DN to think the one adult she trusts doesn't believe her, and you're not saying you've had reason to doubt her word in the past.

TheBolter · 13/06/2009 13:27

Your dsis seems at fault here, whether your niece is lying or not. At fault for ignoring her and letting her become isolated and vulnerable; at fault for ignoring her and making her desperate for attention. Either way her 'benign neglect' has created the stage for the most sad and unfortunate of circumstances.

Your niece is a child, and she needs love, help, support and above all understanding whatever happens.

Also for the teacher IF, and I mean IF this is a false allegation.

BonsoirAnna · 13/06/2009 13:29

The neglect here is pretty far from benign...

junglist1 · 13/06/2009 13:52

Oh my God what a situation to be in!!! Your poor niece and stupid school who didn't stop the bullying, and if he's innocent, poor teacher. Your sister needs to pull her finger out. She has an obligation to find out exactly what's going on here, someone mentioned suicide, and yes, both bullying and false allegations have caused desperate people to end their lives. This is so so sad.

Original poster
ReesiRoo · 13/06/2009 14:16

Well there has been a dramatic turn in events...Neice came over. My ex's parents are having my newborn twins and neice is staying over. I thought it would be good for her to have some adult one-on-one time that her mother will simply not give her. My babies are content and happy though and I get to spend every night with them til they're 18. That's my reasoning anyway

So my neice came over and we're so open with each other, the conversation started with me asking how things are, how she's coping etc. She immediately burst into uncontrolable tears, the kind you can't catch your breath with, and a tiny voice whispered, "auntie mareesa, it's not true".

Well, my instinct meant that I could only reach over and hold her tight and tell her that she didn't have to worry anymore. I want to shove a rocket up her mothers backside.

She made me promise not to tell anyone but I didn't promise. I can't do that, can I?

My ex came over to get some things his mum forgot for my babies and saw the state DN was in and asked what was wrong, so very surprisingly, she told him and tried to swear him to secrecy too.

Afterwards, while she went to the bathroom and couldn't hear, he said he always knew she had a nasty streak in her and went on about how she's ruined that poor teachers life and how he never wants to be left alone with DNeice incase she accuses him of something. I gave him what for, for being an insensitive twunk and sent him on his way, but where to go from here? I have to tell her mum, don't I?

OP posts:
Deeeja · 13/06/2009 14:16

I think there is a high chance that the girl is not lying. If she is alredy isolated at school, this makes her easy prey for those that want to take advantage of a vulnerable child. It would be a very difficult thing to tell someone, she must have known it would make things even more difficult for her, she has been very brave. You need to change your stance towards her to one of support, and do not question her in any way.
Poor child.

Deeeja · 13/06/2009 14:18

Ah sorry!
Xposts.
Poor thing, what she must be going through!