At what point in your road to having DC did you realise that forging a good career and getting to see your DC as much as you want are pretty much incompatible?

[Freddysteddy]

I think I realised this before I got pregnant, but not long before - so post-taking-out-a-big-mortgage.

My friend has just worked this out this month having gone back to work f/t with a 6 mo baby in nursery.

Some people see it coming for years, I guess and maybe don't bother trying to get a career?

Just wondered where you stand on this whole thing.

I remember driving to work, due to drop baby dd off at the creche en route, and watching parents take their kids to school. It occurred to me that many of the mums were SAHM and I was SOOO jealous. I wasn't sure how I would manage when dd got to school age.

As it was, we moved abroad when dd was 2, and school is open from 7.30 til 6, so I still get to drop her and collect from school. (not at those times I hasten to add!)

I'm an academic so I'm lucky that the job is quite flexible, at least when not teaching. I went part-time when DS1 was born and so did DP - we both work 4 days, and usually get to work at least one of those at home. Thus the DCs are now in nursery/ school 3 days and at home the rest. It works really well for us. I would be a crap SAHM - I like my job and enjoy doing both that and the family thing. I do have wobbles occasionally when I see peers shooting ahead of me in the career stakes - but when I am being more rational I know that it is only for a few years while the DCs are really little (they're currently 4 and 1) that I have to focus on home life. I hope that in a little while I'll be able to focus a bit more on my career again. And of course those peers who are shooting ahead are often childless... and while that may be what they want, I'm very glad I've got the DCs. They give me perspective and make me realise that career success isn't the only fulfilment I should seek. Hope that doesn't sound too poncey/sentimental/obvious, I've had a couple of glasses of wine

when i got made redundant. used to work ft then had ds, took 9 months mat leave and went back 3 days per week. that was in july and lasted till nov till i got the boot. been out of work ever since. ds is in nursery 2 days but we don't want to lose his place so have reduced to afternoons only for time being. it sucks. i live somewhere where its roughly £60 day for nursery so i have to earn quite a lot to make it worthwhile going back. i'd like another pt job for say 8 years to have more kids but some stability then go back to a 'career' rather than just a job.

the thing is...one persons not enough time with Kids is anothers ample time....doesn't mean that one person loves their Kids more or less...well...not because of that anyway...

it's all about what you feel is right, the needs you have to fill...

is giving up yourself to motherhood really that beneficial if it is perceived as stressful and makes that mum unhappy....but she might feel that that is expected?

on the same token, it must be difficult to have to go back to work for x,y or z reason....which could be that you have worked towards that career hard and a break would zero all or beause you simply can't afford the drop in income, etc...if that is not what you want to do...

At the moment we have a great work/life balance. When I was pregnant I did worry that my job would ultimately be incompatible with having a baby but as its turned out it hasn´t. I earn more than dh, he works part time and is there for nursery pick up and I work part time half the year so still get plenty of time with ds. Dh is taking advantage of working part time to study and has now finished his school leaver´s certificate and university access course.. planning to study through OU starting this winter.

I was lucky in that my totally unmaternal (female) boss with a pretty unforgiving attitude to mothers adapting their life around their kids became pregnant herself just as I had ds. So we are now both first time mums with children of similar ages and she completely understands the stresses and strains. It has also coincided with a couple of quiet years for the company which has meant it has not been as full on as it was pre-kids.

I also work 20mins walk from work, ds´ nursery is across the park from our house and everything is easy and quick to get to so no awful commute etc etc. I think the first few months going back to work were tricky but being in a position for dh to drop to part time to take on the child care load in our busy season has reassured my boss that I am still ´there´ and interested in continuing to advance.

I feel very lucky and hope we manage to keep it up

good point FairLady - pre kids i always thought i would find the wrench of leaving my kids to be a working mum unbearable. The reality is I am a lot less cut out to be a SAHM than I thought. I feel I get loads of time with ds, it was harder when he was very little as he would have preferred being home with me but our family economics made that impossible. Now he is 2 and loving nursery everything feels easier because he gets a lot out of going and starts shouting ´bye mama´ before we´ve even got there in the morning

When Dd1 was 5, Dd2 was just 2 and I had a MC - handed in my notice the week after. Had to work 6 months notice by which time was pregnant with DD3. With hindsight I had never been happy since I went back when DD2 was 6m old to a new office, no support network, different expectations. Very happy now (not working at all) but don't regret doing the working mum/high flygin career thing at least for a while.

I agree with FIS....but I also have an incredibly flexible employer...I have keys to our building and can let myself in as early as i want and do my hours...so i go to work really early and finish early....my time with the kids is after school as im home by about 5pm usually...my job is ver demanding and I am supposed to be catching up on a bit of work now... once the kids are in bed if i need to i can squeeze a couple more hours in.

I have become quite mercenary with work and said to them (called thier bluff) if you cant let me work the hours i need then i will find someone who will....and luckily they were ok about it or i would have had a bit of a problem

My work is my sanity time...my kids is my fun time and my completely indulging them time....if i didnt work we couldnt have the lifestyle we have....I am also lucky as DP doesnt work and he does all the school run type stuff and the tea time stuff....

When I was working full time in an extremely stressful new job with baby ds in full time nursery costing more than half my salary. Horrible commute, horrible new house that I hated, and we really needed the money. I remember seeing a woman with her baby at lunchtime while I was literally running to the sandwich shop and thinking 'What am I doing?' I was stressed, unhappy and shattered all the time.

Ds now nearly seven, we have moved and had dd and I have had a career break after dh's salary went up enough to make it just about possible. Am going back next year, although only part time. I'm worried about going back because although it's hard to let go of a career you've worked for, it feels very different post dcs. To progress in my job you really need to be able to stay late and travel at the drop of a hat, and I can't do that. So promotion prospects pretty slim and will be back at the bottom of the pay scale. On the other hand my dcs have had me around enough to take me for granted, which I think is great.

hmmm, stopattwo...but if your dh isn't working, than you just have the reversed sahp situation to te one most sahm have....
and, just for arguments sake here, surely that in itself makes it easier for you to commit to work fulltime without a bad conscience (sp?)....
I think that is the part of the "but umptiest men do the full time work thing withoout feeling bad" argument where it can fall down...because they may feel happy to do that, because their wifes are commiting their lifes to them and their Kids...iykwim...

not sure I am making sense here...

I suppose what I mean is, that, in the end the sahp part of a family unit may well fascilitate the other part in their career....

certainly a role I was happy and comfortable with for many years...

barbarapym is an author or am I taking things to literal, yet, again...

I honestly believe that you can do whatever you want to do - having children and a good career are not mutually exclusive alternatives - unless you want them to be...

fairlady...but the op was about forging a career and getting to see enough of your kids....not about if they have to have child care.( well thats how i read it)

tbh DP only packed in work a couple of years ago and we still managed with both working FT....

Yes Fairlady, she was a writer, whom I really like

sorry for highjack btw

sorry op was...but your post reminded me of our previous situation, just reversed....and I think that is a big issue...i.e....if you have family looking after your child you may have a different attitude to following your career...

just as for me the point of " It's my time it's my time" ( In the words of Andrew Lloyd Webbers and his Eurovision Songcontest song)came when my Kids were all in full time school, and therefore fulltime Uni would not mean a great bit of difference to their life/quality of life....

I suppose I kept philosophing and considering your post with the info given...

like I said, it was not critique....

but for women, that don't have a SAHP it might be a differnt issue, as in guilt, etc...iykwim...part of expectation from outer sourses, etc...
apols for crap spelling...btw.

I started to realise it as soon as ds1 was born - he was supposed to sleep and play happily under my desk while I wrote, but no one had seemed to tell him that.

The truth really hit me one day when I was on the phone to my agent and ds1 was about 4 months old. I had taken his nappy off to give him some free kicking time and he was lying at my feet, and he started to wee up my leg. I couldn't move because I didn't want my agent to know my baby was weeing on me, and also if I had moved, the wee would have gone all over the sofa.

franca, the mumsnetter person behind the id or is the id a name of a writer?

i had nursery place booked at 12wk pg,over 1yr in advance.no qualms about returning or working.always knew i would return FT

don't think there necessarily need to be a baby or career implosion.you can happily work and raise children.there does tend to e an expectation a sa working mum you are crying into your latte about nursery or guilty about leaving children.not necesarily so

but obviously the trade off is if you want

financial independence/security
maintain career path
pursue career
then obviously you sacrifice time away from children to work.

but we should teach our children to be

solvent
self reliant
employed

and this is best achieved by working,studying,being good in chosen employment

the id is the name of a writer. I noticed it because yesterday I started to re read a book by Barbara Pym .

oh right franca

scottish,
surely these points you made:
but we should teach our children to be

solvent
self reliant
employed

are not relevant if we are talking about mothers of young babies...sorry...
because you are able to achieve all those even if you are working at a later stage, or even if not working at all...

not that I thought your first points were bad...they were very good, just that they don't depend on your latter points