At what point in your road to having DC did you realise that forging a good career and getting to see your DC as much as you want are pretty much incompatible?

[Freddysteddy]

I think I realised this before I got pregnant, but not long before - so post-taking-out-a-big-mortgage.

My friend has just worked this out this month having gone back to work f/t with a 6 mo baby in nursery.

Some people see it coming for years, I guess and maybe don't bother trying to get a career?

Just wondered where you stand on this whole thing.

It's going OK for me - DSs are 9 and 7. I work full-time but pretty flexibly, and usually do two days a week at home.

There are certain things I have to be present at work in London for, but a lot of it can be done with remote access and laptop at home. So I have more or less kept the career going, although I accept that I have been on a bit of a mummy track, and am maybe not as high up in the echelons as I might have been if I didn't have children. Doesn't bother me.

A flexible childminder has been invaluable as well.

This hasn't been true for me at all tbh. I have had time at home, time at work, 2 kids and my career is in advance of people at work who don't have kids but are my age/started at the same time. I took went back part-time after leaving for a while and am now f-t with option of home working. I've been really lucky as I have a great employer.

When I had DC1. I decided there was no way on earth that I'd had him to pass him over to a nursery for full time care. I asked for a job share, and was lucky enough to be granted. I honestly don't know what I'd have done if they'd turned my request down - I enjoy my job too much to give it up altogether, and I enjoy my children too much to only see them at weekends and for a hour or so in the evening.

But, as has often been said on this topic on MN - each to their own..

violethill, can xsee your point, but I suppose it depends on oh's career...my dh was in the Army until last year, and that meant many moves, his deployments and generally stupid working hours....me than nursing and doing shiftwork, we tried at one point, btw....was just a disaster and a organisational nightmare....
had I loved my original career though, I might ave mde it work...

Dunno violet I was the high earner out of DH and I and that's not uncommon on MN!

Foxinsocks obviously your experience is as valid as the next woman, and we all make decisions and choices and so on.

It will be sad if this descends into the usual SAHM/WOHM thing, which it doubtless will.

But the OP makes an interesting point - many careers make demands that a lot of women are not prepared to meet once they have children. That is of course their choice/the choice they make with their family.

But from the point of view of whether GB workplaces and careers are really as "family friendly" as the politicians would have us believe this could make for an interesting snapshot.

when dd called me by the childminders name.

At about 10 past 8 this morning.

After I'd abandoned DD1 to get herself up and take herself off to school.

After I'd prodded her awake at 7 and promised I'd ring at 7.30 to make sure she was up and OK.

After I had forgotten to ring and by the time I had rung she had gone off already.

I think i worked it out quite early, i went to art school and so never really put myself on the career path anyway.

I thought about what were my must haves in life and relationship and babies came out top, so I made them a priority (gave myself a rather arbitrary deadline of thirty).

I managed it, about the only time in my life that I have been descisive and goal orientated, but must admit that after ten years I am getting a bit bored and feel I need to use my fairly good brain soon but I have an almost comically weird CV.

DH would like to retire! but I am a bit jealous of him, he is at a film festival in France this week .

I agree with Foxinsocks and Violethill. I have never worked part time - I have never wanted to work part time, and went back to work full time when the bubs were a few weeks old. If I'm frank, small babies bored the life out of me, and the "Baby Groups" with the Mums having no conversation apart from babies, sitting around in vomit covered tracky bottoms left me cold. That wasn't my life. I go to school concerts, sports day etc when I can (and usually manage, even if it means taking a day's leave). I had a fantastic nanny when they were little, then a crap one and two lovely au pairs and we now rely on after school club.

I also think that when you reach a certain level, you just say "I am leaving on time today" and no-one questions you. I don't ask, I just do it. I expect my staff to work their hours (or more importantly get the job done) - I'm not one of those people who insists on people being in the office for the sake of it. And people like working for me for that reason. I've also (and I have to say, I am not comfortable with this) been held up as an example of how it is possible to have a career and to have children and juggle both.

I work part-time, relatively flexibly in an onward and upward career trajectory, albeit more slowly than had I not had dc (I have 3 aged 8,6 and 1.5). However, in so doing I've also made breakthroughs on an employability front at my work because of the dc so the glass ceiling is now at least cracked for working mothers and I defy them to stop my progression just because I want to do it as a jobsahre . It's definitely not all or nothing.

I've gone back to work full time and still see my kids all the time - am acutally suprised that it is possible.

The truth is after my first I didn't want to concentrate on career and had a few years as sahm...now on a different career track that has so far proven to be very family frinedly and with great prospects.

I wanted to be a solicitor and fell pg while studying I realised when pg that I would never be happy always torn between work and my family and was luckily able to give up studying and be a sahm until my two dc are in school then I will be choosing a less time demanding career. But before I was pg I thought I would never have kids and could have the high flying career. But when I fell pg I realised that I had wanted kids all along and just had not realised it.

I do agree with foxinsocks that if you have to work, then you will make it work. Giving up work was never an option for me, as DD's dad could not and would not have been willing to be the main breadwinner. It never crossed my mind that we would split up, but we did, so now I need to work to support DD and myself. If I were to be made redundant, I would have to find something else. I am lucky though, that my job is fairly flexible.

I realised almost as soon as I was pg with DS - had bad hyperemesis + complics, went to hospital loads and was signed off sick virtually the entire pg. Knew then that work was going to cause major problems.

Had DS, 2yrs later had DD - now they are 3 and 1, I don't sleep and I cannot imagine how I could possibly leave them or work.

I have no idea when I will go back to work, I have no idea what I will do. I also have no idea what the right thing is to do. I like staying at home but I have this nagging feeling that society finds it deeply wrong once DCs go to school - but I can't work out what you do about school hols, half term, trips where parents are asked to help out, general helping with projects/work, sports days etc - it is all a total mystery to me. DH works very long hours so absoutely everything from cleaning to DIY is my responsibility. I am happy with this, but think people find it wrong somehow. I have a degree and professional qualification but feel that it is all quite out of date now. I was last in work about 4 years ago.

Before I had them

DH and I started our careers on the exact same day.
I went p/t after having DS1
DH is now a manager, I am a foot soldier!

I don't know how people don't realise this from day 1, you either spend time with your kids and your career suffers or you spend time with your career and the kids see a whole lot less of you and you pay a stranger to parent them the hours you're at work

Hardly a stranger! DSs have known their childminder for years and years now.
Anyway - am not going to get drawn into THAT particular debate!

Am finding this an interesting debate as I am due back to work after mat leave in 5 weeks time. I'm going back full time, but as a teacher I'm in a fortunate position - can leave school 3.30/4.00, long holidays, and living nearby means I get to pick DS up sooner. I was quite settled in my mind with the thought of going back, and thought I could combine motherhood and my career. Am now in a dilemma as the possibility of a promotion at work has come up - more responsibility obviously means a bigger workload. I should still be able to leave at 4.00 3 days out of 5 but will then have to spend my evenings working after DS has gone to bed. Am I being unrealistic to think I can combine the greater responsibility with being a good mum? I don't want DS to suffer just because I want to further my career, after all I could go for a promotion like this in a few years time when he is a bit older. WWYD?

I'm happy with my career and the amount I see DS. I don't think the two are incompatible

crokky - it's not about 'right way of doing things'. I think it's unusual in this day and age for one parent to not work at all once the kids are at school, mainly because most people need or want the extra income! But it's not a 'right or wrong' thing.

In terms of how people do it - combination of things, childminder, after school club, taking holiday leave to coincide with school hols where poss, and just accepting that the school doesn't need you there for every sports day/outing/cake stall. It's a challenge but all quite do-able

This morning when I sat and cried in my car after I had dropped DD at nursery. I work f/t and have done since March this year after 7 months mat leave then p/t for a few months. I am f/t now as DH is self-employed and not bringing in a consistent enough wage to pay mortgage if I went p/t or was a f/t SAHM although we've gone over and over it. I earn more than he does.

I have been promoted at work since being back f/t and I have flex and can do some work at home so I am luckier than some. P/t hours not an option though at the moment but hopefully will be in a few months time. Would also depend on if economy picks up.

Meant to add, DH stays home 2 days per week with DD.