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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this the start of an abusive relationship?

141 replies

MLCMobile · 07/06/2009 22:37

AIBU to think DP is trying to set the wheels in motion for an abusive and controlling relationship?

I moved in with him 4 weeks ago. Things he says IMO are designed to make me feel like shit. For instance, I'm having to sell a lot of my furniture ... whenever he see's my stuff he pulls a face, laughs and says something like "I don't think you'll get much for that to be honest" or "is that even worth selling? can't see anyone wanting that, we'll probably end up having to pay to have it dumped". He's said this about my son's bed, my sofa, my TV ... in other words, everything you have is worthless and crap.

Then he's started with the personal stuff. I mentioned that I had "chicken legs" as my skin is dry and patchy ... he assured me I didn't ... nice ... however now he constantly refers to me as "chicken legs". He says things like "sexy stretchmarks" about my stomach and nips my stomach together to show the fat etc ...

He takes the piss out of my son. For instance, at swimming last week we were discussing swimming lessons and he said "well, my DD will be in aqua 3 as she's really good" he then looked at my son and said "he'll still be in ducklings won't he?" I said "no, course not. He's in aqua 2" so he burst out laughing and said "no way!! DD is only aqua 3 and she can swim properly!! he can't even swim! he does doggy paddle! that's not swimming! no way is he in aqua 2! I'd say aqua 1 at the very most ... " And this was all in front of DS (I did have it out with him about this one).

He hates everyone I speak to. Hates my friend, hates the people at my martial arts club, hates my instructor, hates my ex (even though he's never met him) and rubishes everything I do. He said I'd never be able to find a job with the way the country is, but as he is so "skilled and experienced", he would stand a much better chance. He wants me to quit karate, pulled a face when I told him I had an exam to do ....

I was really annoyed with him today as my kids came home from their dads and were excited as I'd told them in the car that we had two new baby guinea pigs. So of course, they ran straight to the hutch. DP then shouted very aggressively "OI, YOU TWO, GET OUT NOW" DS's were upset and shocked, I snapped at him that I'd told them they could see the pigs ... he then had a go at them about harassing them.

I waited until the kids had gone to bed and then told him I don't want him shouting at my kids like that. He said "that's not me shouting" and promptly went to bed in a mood.

Am I being paranoid or is he trying to wear me down?

OP posts:
SarahL2 · 07/06/2009 22:40

get. out. now!

Yurtgirl · 07/06/2009 22:40

No you are not being unreasonable
Yes this is an abusive relationship

Move on

GypsyMoth · 07/06/2009 22:41

From your other threads I'd say you have made a huge mistake, get out now. But then, you know that really don't you!?!?

shockers · 07/06/2009 22:41

Sounds to me like you should listen to your instincts.
Does he have a job at the moment?

Ninkynork · 07/06/2009 22:42

He doesn't sound as if he makes you happy. How long have you known him?

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 07/06/2009 22:45

You already know the answer to this don't you?

Get out now before he beats you up - don't wait for bruises.

AnyFucker · 07/06/2009 22:46

you moved in 4 wks ago ?

move out now, before you sell any more of your stuff

just for the way he speaks to your kids, I would tell him to fuck off and find another victim, cos you are not willing

was he like this before you moved in?

scottishmummy · 07/06/2009 22:48

end this now.listen to your intution.how he spoke to your children

these are clear warning signs

purpleduck · 07/06/2009 22:49

Yes, get out while you still have the confidence to do it.

Why did you move in with him?
Was he always like this?

paisleyleaf · 07/06/2009 22:49

Yes, Leave now (while you've still got some furniture etc).
But most of all, while you still trust your judgment and are strong.
I've been in a bad relationship, and the thing about not liking your friends rings so true. It'll be that you'll gradually lose those friends (your best support group) because of this, and you'll feel alone.

This is an unhealthy relationship for you, and for your DCs

PrammyMammy · 07/06/2009 22:51

I think i have read about this man before? The stretch mark comment rings a bell.
You need to leave him.

MollieO · 07/06/2009 22:53

Why did you move in with him in the first place?

Kayzr · 07/06/2009 22:55

Leave now. The way he talks to you and your DCs is horrible. Go.

sushistar · 07/06/2009 22:56

I can't believe you are even debating this, when it is very clear (and I think you know this in your heart of hearts) that this relationship is not going to work, and, more importantly, could be very damaging for your kids. Don't put them through it. Leave asap.

Original poster
MLCMobile · 07/06/2009 22:56

He wasn't like this before I moved in, he was totally different. This all started a week or so after I moved in.

He's also told me that my karate would be useless against someone physically stronger than myself ... he keeps saying "you're mine" in a huggy way but I'm starting to wonder how literal he means that.

But then, in other ways he's great .. he brings me a coffee first thing in a morning to wake up to, he cooks every night etc ...

I KNOW that doesn't excuse the other stuff (especially where the kids are concerned) but abusive men don't make their partners coffee in bed etc do they? I just feel so confused, how can someone change so quickly?? arn't they supposed to keep the facade up for months before they show their true colours? not weeks?

He also talks to his own daughter this way. Tells her she's getting chubby, needs to use more deodrant, needs to brush her teeth (as she's speaking to him), laughs when she makes the bathroom smell and goes on about it in front of everybody etc

OP posts:
NationalFlight · 07/06/2009 22:56

Hang on didn't you post under another name this evening? The karate thing rings a bell.

Either way yes it's crap and yes get away from him, he's a dick.

wolfear · 07/06/2009 22:57

You obviously have a gut feeling about his behaviour. You partner is supposed to make you feel good about yourself - he's in the early stages of grinding you down. Get out while you can.

NationalFlight · 07/06/2009 22:57

He is really awful, please leave him, don't sell your stuff, he's a complete jerk. Sorry

Original poster
MLCMobile · 07/06/2009 22:59

I did name change yes, as I left my log in name on the screen and he walked past and saw it so I namechanged.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/06/2009 22:59

I'm sorry MLC, but what do you want people to say ?

The more detail you give, the worse he sounds

Carry on how you are love, as long as you get that cup of coffee in the morning, eh

And for anyone who thinks I am being harsh, the OP has only been there for 4 wks, so can just as smartly get the fuck out of there (if she wants to)

hester · 07/06/2009 22:59

Honestly, a morning coffee doesn't begin to cancel out the other stuff. I think your instincts are screaming at you and you should certainly listen to them and act fast.

NationalFlight · 07/06/2009 23:00

Oh Ok

Really sorry you're already living with him though

Can you go? Have you still got a place?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 07/06/2009 23:02

"abusive men don't make their partners coffee in bed etc do they? I just feel so confused, how can someone change so quickly?? arn't they supposed to keep the facade up for months before they show their true colours? not weeks?"

Of course abusive men make coffee. They say "Sorry" very sweetly too, and buy roses and shit.

All while telling you how crap you are. And that no-one else would ever want you.

I watched a "friend" (bloke) turn utter nutter within a fortnight with another friend.

As everyone else has said, leave asap.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2009 23:02

stop making excuses for him.he isnt great in other ways

he is a fucking bully

if you continue to pepper sentences with "i know But....then unfortunately in your own head you arent going to go.this is how you give him the out.to an extent you cant see the measure of what a git he is

cooks
tea in bed
derisory to you
derisory to children

bottom line is no amount of worthy advice and people commenting can change your mind.the realisation has to be yours

and sadly you dont sound too sure

SolidGoldBrass · 07/06/2009 23:02

Oh FFS leave now. He is an abuser and he's going to get worse. He holds you in contempt: to him you are a 'woman' which means domestic service and a body to have sex on, and he wants to train you to obedience. Abusive men do bring you coffee in bed and do the cooking. They are smart enough to know that a little bit of niceness keeps the victim unsettled and unsure that the abuse is really that bad. Read some of the recent threads about cataclysmically horrible abusive men and remember that they didn't start the relationship like that. NO-ONE is stupid enough to move in with a man who calls her a cunt and beats her up on the first date. Abusive relationships start off looking and feeling like any relationship, though the signs are usually there from the beginning (when you look back and/or if you have some knowledge about DV and can see the pattern) it's not until the relationship is established that the nasty stuff starts.

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