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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this the start of an abusive relationship?

141 replies

MLCMobile · 07/06/2009 22:37

AIBU to think DP is trying to set the wheels in motion for an abusive and controlling relationship?

I moved in with him 4 weeks ago. Things he says IMO are designed to make me feel like shit. For instance, I'm having to sell a lot of my furniture ... whenever he see's my stuff he pulls a face, laughs and says something like "I don't think you'll get much for that to be honest" or "is that even worth selling? can't see anyone wanting that, we'll probably end up having to pay to have it dumped". He's said this about my son's bed, my sofa, my TV ... in other words, everything you have is worthless and crap.

Then he's started with the personal stuff. I mentioned that I had "chicken legs" as my skin is dry and patchy ... he assured me I didn't ... nice ... however now he constantly refers to me as "chicken legs". He says things like "sexy stretchmarks" about my stomach and nips my stomach together to show the fat etc ...

He takes the piss out of my son. For instance, at swimming last week we were discussing swimming lessons and he said "well, my DD will be in aqua 3 as she's really good" he then looked at my son and said "he'll still be in ducklings won't he?" I said "no, course not. He's in aqua 2" so he burst out laughing and said "no way!! DD is only aqua 3 and she can swim properly!! he can't even swim! he does doggy paddle! that's not swimming! no way is he in aqua 2! I'd say aqua 1 at the very most ... " And this was all in front of DS (I did have it out with him about this one).

He hates everyone I speak to. Hates my friend, hates the people at my martial arts club, hates my instructor, hates my ex (even though he's never met him) and rubishes everything I do. He said I'd never be able to find a job with the way the country is, but as he is so "skilled and experienced", he would stand a much better chance. He wants me to quit karate, pulled a face when I told him I had an exam to do ....

I was really annoyed with him today as my kids came home from their dads and were excited as I'd told them in the car that we had two new baby guinea pigs. So of course, they ran straight to the hutch. DP then shouted very aggressively "OI, YOU TWO, GET OUT NOW" DS's were upset and shocked, I snapped at him that I'd told them they could see the pigs ... he then had a go at them about harassing them.

I waited until the kids had gone to bed and then told him I don't want him shouting at my kids like that. He said "that's not me shouting" and promptly went to bed in a mood.

Am I being paranoid or is he trying to wear me down?

OP posts:
MollieO · 07/06/2009 23:03

Abusive men do 'nice' things too. Too many controlling aspects to his behaviour. If you stay you will end up with no friends, no hobbies or social life. That will affect your confidence and then you will find it harder to leave. Although it is a complete pita you need to think of yourself and your children and find somewhere else to live.

duchesse · 07/06/2009 23:05

Ooooh, major alarm bells! Flee! Now!! is my advice.

AnybodyHomeMcFly · 07/06/2009 23:06

Horrible. Not the start of an abusive relationship, it IS an abusive relationship. Get out for your kids' sake and yours. Feck the coffee and cooking, they in no way make up for his destructive behaviour.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2009 23:09

do you want dc to remember the bully they lived with?

or mummy always had a tea in bed and cooked dinner

and never stood up to him

Ninkynork · 07/06/2009 23:09

Abusive men do absolutely do nice things! If they were horrible all the time chances are nobody would start a relationship with them. Women who have experienced DV say that there are often periods of complete calm and they are awful in their own way, waiting for, wondering when it will all begin again, and it usually does

Olifin · 07/06/2009 23:10

'abusive men don't make their partners coffee in bed etc do they?'

They most certainly might do. Along with all sorts of other nice things; cooking meals, taking you out for dinner, buying you things, making romantic gestures, paying you compliments... But if they behave in a way that is intimidating/bullying/manipulative/humiliating/aggressive/controlling towards you, then they are being abusive, regardless of how nice they might be at other times.

Your OH is ringing alarm bells for me, I'm afraid. I hope you can be bold and get away from this git before it gets too far along the line. At worst he sounds abusive; at best, childish, critical and unpleasant. Best rid, I think. Hope you're ok.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/06/2009 23:32

I just read your other thread about this man. Make plans to get away now. This is going to escalate. He is abusive.

themoon · 07/06/2009 23:35

Can you leave quickly? Go now.

chegirl · 07/06/2009 23:36

Even if this twat is not 'abusive' he is a twat. Do you want to live with a twat? Do you want your kids to live with a twat?

Cut your loses and get out before you feel you cant.

Its classic that he wasnt like this before you moved in. Typical controlling behaviour. Woo you, reel you in and once you are there he can start moulding you to what he wants.

The longer you leave it the harder it will be. The more damage he will do to your confidence and the more damage he will do to your kids.

Start making plans first thing.

RedCharityBonney · 07/06/2009 23:37

Karate chop the fucker.

piprabbit · 07/06/2009 23:40

Even if you aren't at the start of an abusive relationship, it doesn't sound like a very happy situation for you or your children. I'm not sure that it's worth investing any more time or effort in this situation - I'd move on sooner rather than later before your self-esteem and self-respect have been worn away.

NeedaNewName · 07/06/2009 23:40

GET OUT NOW WHILST YOU STILL CAN

But you already knew that didn't you.

For what its worth I think that if you have a partner that takes on your children (or you take on someone elses children) then you should parent them together, i.e you tell his off when necessary, he tells yours off again when necessary - that way you are a united front, however in this case I feel he went too far but it also sounds like he is nasty to his own DD.

I think you should absolutely go with your gut. You might be wrong, better to move back into your own place now and be proved wrong than stay and be proved right.

Good luck

lilacclaire · 07/06/2009 23:42

Agree that this is only the start and it will definetly get much worse.

Get you and your kids out now.

Can you get a private let etc.

You should phone womens aid and get advice from them.

AbricotsSecs · 07/06/2009 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 07/06/2009 23:46

OP, WHERE ARE YOU

RumourOfAHurricane · 07/06/2009 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MLCMobile · 07/06/2009 23:53

I'm in Yorksire.

I remember him telling me that unreasonable behaviour was written on his divorce papers but he'd just done that in a deal to get the marriage over with quickly. Can Unreasonable Behaviour include violence or would that actually be recorded as violence?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 07/06/2009 23:55

MLC: sorry but that's another classi abuser indication - 'my XW is a bitch, she makes stuff up, I made a deal with her but it's all lies...' I bet he beat her up, controlled her, cut her off from her friends etc.
Leave him now.

Grendle · 07/06/2009 23:56

Does it even matter whether he has a documented history of violence? What you describe sounds awful, You should leave NOW. Don't let this affect your dcs. Get out now.

NeedaNewName · 07/06/2009 23:57

Doesn;t matter why he got divorced, you need to focus on what he's like now and the potential damage he could cause to you and your children.

As I said before, better to move out and be proved wrong that stay and be proved right.

You already know what you need to do , you're now making excuses for him - understanable but come on not one person has replied saying well he does make you coffee in the morning so.....

It may well be horrible initially but you;ll thank gaod you did it.

NeedaNewName · 07/06/2009 23:58

apologies for all the typos!

beanieb · 08/06/2009 00:01

Can you sit down and tell him how his comments are making you feel?

If you are in an equal loving relationship then you shouldn't feel uncomfortable or scared of the consequences of sitting down and telling him that although he may think these comments are somehow humorous, they are actually making you feel hurt and insecure.

How do you think he would react if you did this?

Whatever your answer is to this question should give a clearer idea of how you actually really feel about his behaviour.
He should be able to listen to your concerns about this without reacting badly. Do you think this is possible?

You also need to sit down and work out how you are going to deal with the issue of his comments about your son, calmly pointing out to him that it is important that your son feels secure and loved rather than belittled.

Can you do this with confidence?

epithet · 08/06/2009 00:01

Have you got rid yet?

You are so NOT being paranoid. Please don't give him the benefit of the doubt.

macdoodle · 08/06/2009 00:01

oh god MLC my XH told me exactly the same - that his 1st XW put unreasonable behaviour and he didnt contest it because she was mad and he just wanted out!
Turns out she wasnt, my divorce papers say the same unreasonable behaviour, and they do include violence, amongst others!
Please leave now before it becomes too hard, can you go now, do you have somewhere to go??

Cloudbase · 08/06/2009 01:41

Sweetie, I know it's hard to hear, as presumably you love this man, but the other posters are right. You are in an abusive relationship, and I promise you, It will get worse. Please don't wait around for that to happen. I recently asked my husband to leave as he was abusive - mostly verbal and emotional, but bad enough that it was affecting the kids and me. It can be easy to gloss over emotional abuse, (as it's actually scarily common) and justify it by saying he has a temper, or an anger problem, pressure from work etc, but honestly, it IS abuse and this man has a pattern. Please don't be lulled into false security by the nice times (and there can be lots of them - my ex could be a charmer and he could go months and months being lovely) as they ALWAYS come to an end. I know how tempting it is to hope it will all go away/he will change/you can change him etc - HE WON'T CHANGE. Also, don't feel embarrassed or stupid, or foolish or that somehow it's your fault - you fell in love with the man that he was pretending to be - That's HIS fault, not yours. He lied to you about who he really was. Abusive people have a pathology about them tied up with a whopping great sense of entitlement that makes them think it's not just okay, but normal and necessary to do this stuff. Please, MLC, you and your children deserve so much better than this abusive creep. Phone WA - they are sympathetic and very very helpful and there is no pressure - just give them a call. If you can get hold of a book called "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, or "Power & Control; why charming men make dangerous lovers" by Sandra Horley (both on Amazon) it may help to make sense of this for you.