Is this the start of an abusive relationship?

[MLCMobile]

AIBU to think DP is trying to set the wheels in motion for an abusive and controlling relationship?

I moved in with him 4 weeks ago. Things he says IMO are designed to make me feel like shit. For instance, I'm having to sell a lot of my furniture ... whenever he see's my stuff he pulls a face, laughs and says something like "I don't think you'll get much for that to be honest" or "is that even worth selling? can't see anyone wanting that, we'll probably end up having to pay to have it dumped". He's said this about my son's bed, my sofa, my TV ... in other words, everything you have is worthless and crap.

Then he's started with the personal stuff. I mentioned that I had "chicken legs" as my skin is dry and patchy ... he assured me I didn't ... nice ... however now he constantly refers to me as "chicken legs". He says things like "sexy stretchmarks" about my stomach and nips my stomach together to show the fat etc ...

He takes the piss out of my son. For instance, at swimming last week we were discussing swimming lessons and he said "well, my DD will be in aqua 3 as she's really good" he then looked at my son and said "he'll still be in ducklings won't he?" I said "no, course not. He's in aqua 2" so he burst out laughing and said "no way!! DD is only aqua 3 and she can swim properly!! he can't even swim! he does doggy paddle! that's not swimming! no way is he in aqua 2! I'd say aqua 1 at the very most ... " And this was all in front of DS (I did have it out with him about this one).

He hates everyone I speak to. Hates my friend, hates the people at my martial arts club, hates my instructor, hates my ex (even though he's never met him) and rubishes everything I do. He said I'd never be able to find a job with the way the country is, but as he is so "skilled and experienced", he would stand a much better chance. He wants me to quit karate, pulled a face when I told him I had an exam to do ....

I was really annoyed with him today as my kids came home from their dads and were excited as I'd told them in the car that we had two new baby guinea pigs. So of course, they ran straight to the hutch. DP then shouted very aggressively "OI, YOU TWO, GET OUT NOW" DS's were upset and shocked, I snapped at him that I'd told them they could see the pigs ... he then had a go at them about harassing them.

I waited until the kids had gone to bed and then told him I don't want him shouting at my kids like that. He said "that's not me shouting" and promptly went to bed in a mood.

Am I being paranoid or is he trying to wear me down?

Sorry if my posts are a bit "me me me" but I'm trying to show that I know it feels when you feel you love someone but it's actually all rotten underneath.

There is life on the other side and he's not the only man out there for you, nor is the house you're living in the only place to live. There are alternatives.

It shouldn't even be up for debate...LEAVE. you are massively betraying your children if you don't

Please don't be yet another one of those pathetic women that simply HAS to have a man in her life, no matter how big a twat he is and no matter how badly he treats you and your poor kids.

I'm sure you don't mean to sound harsh GWG, but you do and I honestly don't think it's the best way to help someone in this situation.

My lovely friends and family tried every approach to encourage me to leave my horrible ex; from sympathy to 'tell it like it is'. Ultimately, nothing worked until I had come to my own realisation that I had to leave. When I look back on that horrible time, what I remember is my best friend supporting me. She gave me her opinion, when I asked for it, but she didn't call me selfish or wrong or anything like that. She listened and supported and then she was still there when the shit hit the fan and I left him. I will always remember her kindness and non-judging stance.

I'm grateful I didn't have children then; if I had, I don't know how/if things would have been different. I couldn't judge that situation unless I'd been in it.

I do understand what you're saying GWG, I just think a more patient stance could be helpful.

I think the OP needs to know though, that she's teaching her dd to accept abuse and teaching her ds to be an abuser.

D'you want to do that OP?

But this situation is different - they're not married, he's not the father of her kids, it's not her home and she's not financially dependent on him. it's just a boyfriend. She can walk away very easily.

I think we all agree the OP should leave

Where can you go OP? Friends? family?

Olifin, I agree that people need to come to the realisation themselves, but the OP asked the question and I posted my opinion. Plus, from what I have seen, this OP has been asking this question for a while, and ignored advice she was given before, so I think she might be past the point of patience and sympathy, and now needs to just take action.

Maybe a bit of straight talking will help her to do that, maybe it won't. I know it would help me more than sympathy would: sympathy would make me wallow in it and feel sorry for myself and feel helpless; straight talking would would wake me up and make me realise that this situation is wrong what I am doing by keeping my children there is wrong. THAT would spur me on to make the change I need, not sympathy.

But we are all different, so all MNers will give a different point of view. This is just mine

And if she doesn't feel like crap already then that post should really do it Nancy.

OP, it really won't get any better, I promise. It has only been four weeks and he is already like this. Do you think he will just stop here? He won't he will get worse and worse. I used to keep hanging on in to see if I could see signs of the kind gentle man I thought I married, occasionally I did and it kept me hanging on for the next time.

You are not being paranoid. He is trying to make this relationship into one where he is charge, one subconsciously he feels comfortable with. Have you met his parents? How do they behave? You can tell a lot from this as to what he expects from a relationship.

One thing you can do is remove YOUR children from this situation, his poor daughter is stuck there. I feel horror for how her life will turn out with this awful man as her male role model.

If I was you knowing what I know now after an 8 year EA relationship, you would not see my a*se for dust. It is easier now for you to leave than it ever will be again because you are right at the start.

I am absolutely certain that this person posted several weeks ago saying she was about to move in with this guy whose behaviour she did not like - everyone said don't do it. but looks like she moved in anyway.

Bringing you coffee in the morning is controlling.

• Because you need a coffee to get going in the morning.

• You're useless until you've had your coffee in the morning.

• You're useless til I've brought you your coffee in the morning.

• You're useless without me.

He is making you dependent on him, while wearing down your self-esteem.

First of all, OP, don't let anything on here make you feel bad, hold your head high, nobody wants you to be abused by this pathetic bastard. You are already in the cycle of abuse, his coffee means nothing, my P is also a wolf in sheeps clothing, and all the time they are being nice they're nmentally noting down points against you, to use as an excuse for "losing their temper" next time. Get your kids, your pets, and RUN BEFORE THE VIOLENCE STARTS.

wastingmyeducation, good post about the coffee - that's how I see it is controlling too.

OP, if you are the poster I think you are you have posted numerous instances of this mans behaviour and your concerns before and now after you have moved in with him
Each time you ask you get the same responses basically saying - this doesnt sound like a healthy situation for you and your kids. But you are still there.

Sartre suggested that people commonly make decisions first and seek advice to validate them afterwards - that they choose who to listen to based on the decision they have already made. I think you know the advice you will get each time you post these threads, and I think you know what you have to do in the situation already. No shame to you - there are many on these boards who fell in love with a man who became abusive, and can empathise with the whole emotional gamut. It wont be easy but it sounds as though you need to leave.

So what do you want from MN? Validation of your concerns? Sympathy? Permission to leave? well you have it in spades. Emotional and practical help in leaving - visit the Starsnstripes threads and see what can be done. What do you need to do to leave the situation?

Sounds just like my Ex H. Get out now girl while you can. He obviously has absolutely no respect for you or your children. I cannot believe he is like this after you have only lived together for 4 years. This is only the start it will only get worse. Does he actually love you? Doesn't sound like it to me. He is belittling you already. I have been through this. When I left him, he was shocked, no-one else was, they all saw how he treated me, listened to him belittle me constantly. He had no respect for him and still doesn't but I couldn't care less now. Please get out, it will not get better.

Sorry that should be 4 weeks not years.

Oh god and that should also be"no respect for me" not him. I should really read my posts!

My opinion? Any man who would put down/belittle a child so early on in a relationship can only get worse. This is him on his best behaviour. Don't wait around to see his worst. You get to choose what behaviour you will or will not put up with, your DC do not. They are relying on you to make sure that they grow up in a safe, nurturing environment. This man sounds like a toad.

op - are you the one whose 'd'p agreed for his dd to move to the smaller room and your ds share the bigger room when you moved in .. only for him to ? that and try to persuade you to cram your 2 ds into a box room? It must be you.

OK, I have got a spectacularly crap memory, but off hand I can remember 3 other threads you started about this 'man'. All of them were before you moved in, and you said you were unsure. Every single response you got, every single one, said - do not moce in with him. Now it seems you have, and everyone on here is tellinbg you to move out. ASAP.

What on earth does he need to do? You ahve started now at least 5 threads in recent weeks all of them saying what a bastard he is, and every response telling you to flee. Yet you're still with him, still miserable and still dithering.

I don't think anyone is going to convince you.

You seem determined to ask for, then ignore advice, and get deeper and deeper into this terrible 'relationship'. that you know is abusive. Why did you move in, when you were unhappy before you did. Why do you not move out, now you're unhappy. He was abusive to you before you moved in. There are threads you started on here to show it. I have no idea what you need to read hear or experience to convince you. I only hope it isn't one of your ds's getting beaten.

I read your other thread. I haven't even read all of your OP and I just want to say

GET OUT NOW

This is not a good relationship

I was 35 when I met my abusive ex. Old enough to know better you'd think. The abuse started after I'd moved in with him.
Become dependent on him
Isolated
Vulnerable
Abuse ALWAYS starts after a commitment has been made. Up until then they are funny, kind, generous, open, loving...and make you feel so special.
And then it starts. Little things at first. You rationalize it but you know something is wrong. Literally a gut feeling. You don't want to believe it but you can feel your happiness ebbing away with every hurtful comment. And then he's lovely again.

And so it goes on, till the attacks, verbal, physical , or both, leave you reeling and unable to get the strength to leave.
Please don't get to that point. Don't be a victim. Think about the physical and emotional wellbeing of your kids, gather your strength and LEAVE.

The anxiety that is being caused to your children is intense. Hard enough to accept a new adult in the house - but then to have one with whom you have to second guess his moods, dodge the verbal brickbats, all the while dreading the moment when your mum is going to get yelled at, and knowing there is nothing you can do about it.

If you leave now it will be to protect your self and your children - they will remember what you did for them. And your new child will not grow up in a tense, emotionally oppresive atmosphere.

I'm a solicitor - unreasonable behaviour on a divorce petition can and often does include violence. It has to be described as 'unreasonable behaviour' as it is the only term the court will recognise. To discover what the 'unreasonable behaviour' consists of, you will have to see the full petition, and I don't think he's likely to want to show you that.

You will need to have some counselling to get you through this. This is a dreadful situation to be in. But please don't procrastinate - you are asking the question 'Is this a controlling relationship' - you know the answer.

Classic case, I'm afraid.
Problem is we are all very good at talking ourselves into the things we can live without for the sake of a relationship but when those things become:
'I can live without a mutually supportive, loving relationship that will make me feel safe, happy and loved' then I think it's time to leave.
Good luck.

Get the F out sister! YANBU!!!!!!

The very fact that you changed your login name because you think he saw it means you know that he will look at what you are posting and are concerned about his reaction.

You dont need everyone here to tell you what you need to do, you already know. Everyday you hesitate is another day he will think you wont do it and will gain a bit more confidence to push you.

As for the fresh coffee every morning, get a coffee maker!