Is this the start of an abusive relationship?

[MLCMobile]

AIBU to think DP is trying to set the wheels in motion for an abusive and controlling relationship?

I moved in with him 4 weeks ago. Things he says IMO are designed to make me feel like shit. For instance, I'm having to sell a lot of my furniture ... whenever he see's my stuff he pulls a face, laughs and says something like "I don't think you'll get much for that to be honest" or "is that even worth selling? can't see anyone wanting that, we'll probably end up having to pay to have it dumped". He's said this about my son's bed, my sofa, my TV ... in other words, everything you have is worthless and crap.

Then he's started with the personal stuff. I mentioned that I had "chicken legs" as my skin is dry and patchy ... he assured me I didn't ... nice ... however now he constantly refers to me as "chicken legs". He says things like "sexy stretchmarks" about my stomach and nips my stomach together to show the fat etc ...

He takes the piss out of my son. For instance, at swimming last week we were discussing swimming lessons and he said "well, my DD will be in aqua 3 as she's really good" he then looked at my son and said "he'll still be in ducklings won't he?" I said "no, course not. He's in aqua 2" so he burst out laughing and said "no way!! DD is only aqua 3 and she can swim properly!! he can't even swim! he does doggy paddle! that's not swimming! no way is he in aqua 2! I'd say aqua 1 at the very most ... " And this was all in front of DS (I did have it out with him about this one).

He hates everyone I speak to. Hates my friend, hates the people at my martial arts club, hates my instructor, hates my ex (even though he's never met him) and rubishes everything I do. He said I'd never be able to find a job with the way the country is, but as he is so "skilled and experienced", he would stand a much better chance. He wants me to quit karate, pulled a face when I told him I had an exam to do ....

I was really annoyed with him today as my kids came home from their dads and were excited as I'd told them in the car that we had two new baby guinea pigs. So of course, they ran straight to the hutch. DP then shouted very aggressively "OI, YOU TWO, GET OUT NOW" DS's were upset and shocked, I snapped at him that I'd told them they could see the pigs ... he then had a go at them about harassing them.

I waited until the kids had gone to bed and then told him I don't want him shouting at my kids like that. He said "that's not me shouting" and promptly went to bed in a mood.

Am I being paranoid or is he trying to wear me down?

Get out now while you can. Please think of your children. You chose to live with this man, they didn't. I don't want that to sound mean, but now you have a taster of what he's like, there's no excuse.

The future's in your hands.

Men like him will never treasure any goodness that comes into their lives, they'll make an excuse to mess it up.

What if his daughter starts talking to your child in the manner that he is? They'll be an unhealthy sibling rivalry.

As my aunty has always said, 'men like him will pick and pick until they pick shit' in otherwords, he'll find someone else who treats him the same way he's treating you

what an ass-wipe

Good luck X

I know it's scary, but you need to get out. Abusive relationships wear you down, you lower your defences and inertia keeps you put longer. Do not do this to yourself. Do NOT do this to your kids.

If you wait to find out whether it gets worse, chances are it probably will. You'll regret it. And whether it gets to bruises or not, as other posters have suggested, the fact is you will be spending your precious time in this earth with an abusive oik that makes you feel bad about yourself, your things and more importantly, your children.

Find someone who will support you, a friend, your family, and make a clean break now. I know it's easy to say from the outside, but it seems to me like your mind is made up anyway.

Good luck. xx

It all starts somewhere. My daughters father abused me mentally, but was such a 'lovely' guy to the whole world, even my own family thought I was attention seeking if I broke down. It lasted 2 years, and caused anorexia (I was far too fat after having the baby, noone else would want me,but then neither did he), I had lipo and a boob job, did everything in my power to make myself 'perfect' for him, then, ironically, he left me after a string of affairs. And I was devistated. Weird hey, but thats how it goes. Please dont get yourself into a sito like mine, I beat myself up about it everyday.

What do you want people to say?

It took me years to get out of my abusive relationship. I stayed for lots of reasons including

Guilt - didn't want to hurt / abandon him
Fear - didn't think I could really survive by myself
Shame - I thought I had brought it on myself
Intimidation - I thought the situation would get worse if I left
Hope - sometimes I thought he might change
Self-doubt - I wondered if maybe I was over-reacting to his temper/aggression
Confusion - I didnt know where to go
Isolation - There seemed to be no-one I could confide in

You will probably leave when you are ready MLC. We all hope that it is sooner rather than later. Take steps just to find out where you could go if you needed to. So check out houses to rent, or friends with spare rooms, or family, or even Women's Aid, who can house you in an emergency. Just get your information together for when you are ready. This can happen to anyone so DONT BLAME YOURSELF.

Good luck xx

PS when I left everything got better! It was easy in the end!

Yes, it does sound like the start of an abusive relationship.
I have been in one, and it started with him criticising everything to do with me, and trying to isolate me from family and friends.

I echo everything in blinder's post.

But oh isnt it wonderful to be out of it now.

MLC where are you? How are you doing today?

"op - are you the one whose 'd'p agreed for his dd to move to the smaller room and your ds share the bigger room when you moved in .. only for him to ? that and try to persuade you to cram your 2 ds into a box room? It must be you."

ahhh....is that the same one who was dumping his and his DD's dirty washing in the DS's bedroom.

MLCMobile, are you still with us?
You (and the children) deserve to be happier than you are in this.
Hope you're okay

I agree with everyone else. Get out now.

I think you know in your heart of hearts that this has been a mistake. It won't matter how hard you try, he's no good. He's not good for you, nor for the well-being of your innocent ds whom "he takes the piss out of" - no proper man needs to belittle a child and take great chunks out of his self-esteem.

There is no shame in admitting it's been a mistake. Hope you feel strong and decisive in putting a break on it, say it's not working and find your own place.

My stepfather made dinner every night.

He also beat my pregnant mother.

The inconsistency is how they draw you in. Start off nice, then start the abuse slowly and incrementally until one day you're all curled up on the kitchen floor, guarding your face from his blows, all the while thinking "But he makes me a cup of coffee in the morning."

Sounds absurd, doesn't it? But that's exactly how it happens. Watched it happen to my mum, it'll happen to you too if you don't wise up now.

Trust your instincts.

my ex used to tell my son 'if it wasnt for me you wouldnt have dinner'my son let it slip when he was eating dinner i couldnt belive my ears bare in mind my son is 6 he moved in for 6mths who the f*k cooked for my kids before he came along ME sorry was just reading about the coffee and he wouldnt let me cook dinner and if i got to the cooker he took overand said i was doing it wrong the kids had to eat every last bit cause they were scared to leave any i could ell you so man things and i bet your man is saying the same stuff as mine did its like their reading it from a text book they all say the same thing this is going to get worse op PLEASE leave.

ophs sorry alsoo its always their exs fault why they split never theirs they were always bitches. you will feel so free when he leaves and happier with your children he is only going to drag and you will be left with no one like me they try to get rid of everybody honest listen to people on here

So you did move in with him after all, despite all your concerns?

Well, get out, he is toxic and damaging to your children.

OP hasn't returned to the thread.

I suspect she'll post something similar in a month, when he's done a couple more outrageous things and chipped away at her self-esteem and her children's sense of safety and security and respect for their mother a bit more.

I think you're right, LB, but hope you're wrong.

There are so many of these threads around at the moment and I'm not a troll-hunting type. I have no idea which ones are real, made up, or the same poster under loads of different names.

So I'm taking it at face value and saying, along with everyone else, get out now, if you haven't already. I'm hoping that you haven't posted in a while because you've gathered up your belongings and children and got the hell out of there. I hope you're okay.

something here doesn't add up.sorry.too attention seeking.

the drip drip revelations by stealth.
all seems very formulaic
designed to push buttons

she posted similar alarmist stuff before
will i move in with my black belt psycho boyfriend

hope i am wrong -really i d0

I just want to send a big (((HUG))) to the OP.

She knows she has to leave but it is hard to do - where will she go etc, how will she explain it. We all have things we know we should do but don't know how to go about it.

OP, I think you need to plan thoroughly your method of escape and then say on a Friday night say that you are leaving the following day. Have your ex take the children on the Friday for the weekend. If you think you might bottle it, tell your ex because once he knows his children are being abused, he'll make you follow through.

Let us know how you get on.

If the op is real, she put herself and her children in this position willingly as she KNEW what he was like. She has only lived with him a few weeks, it should not be too hard to get out, as she wont have settled yet.

But, yes, I do suspect we are in for a long run of this.

Sorry but people like you annoy me. A lot...

You are not talking about the father of the dc, who you have been with for years (not that that situation means anyone should put up with crap, but might excuse the reluctance to call this abuse), but some bloke who you have only just moved in with!!

What is it about this twat that makes you allow him to treat you and your dc like shit?
Whay are you not putting dc before him?

Read Lundy Bancroft book " why does he do that"-it really helpsyou get to grips with all the mental games they play to keep you trapped wondering whats going on-it will help clarify your situation- I found it life changing. I have left my abusive partner 3 months ago and am just starting to feel freer and happier than I have done for years- had a christmas with family and friends with no nastiness about who was coming and no one leaving mid morning in a strop!
Good luck

Prolly the boxroom troll- leave it for now.

said it in june say it now,this is shite

attention seeking,tick all the boxes,lies