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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this the start of an abusive relationship?

141 replies

MLCMobile · 07/06/2009 22:37

AIBU to think DP is trying to set the wheels in motion for an abusive and controlling relationship?

I moved in with him 4 weeks ago. Things he says IMO are designed to make me feel like shit. For instance, I'm having to sell a lot of my furniture ... whenever he see's my stuff he pulls a face, laughs and says something like "I don't think you'll get much for that to be honest" or "is that even worth selling? can't see anyone wanting that, we'll probably end up having to pay to have it dumped". He's said this about my son's bed, my sofa, my TV ... in other words, everything you have is worthless and crap.

Then he's started with the personal stuff. I mentioned that I had "chicken legs" as my skin is dry and patchy ... he assured me I didn't ... nice ... however now he constantly refers to me as "chicken legs". He says things like "sexy stretchmarks" about my stomach and nips my stomach together to show the fat etc ...

He takes the piss out of my son. For instance, at swimming last week we were discussing swimming lessons and he said "well, my DD will be in aqua 3 as she's really good" he then looked at my son and said "he'll still be in ducklings won't he?" I said "no, course not. He's in aqua 2" so he burst out laughing and said "no way!! DD is only aqua 3 and she can swim properly!! he can't even swim! he does doggy paddle! that's not swimming! no way is he in aqua 2! I'd say aqua 1 at the very most ... " And this was all in front of DS (I did have it out with him about this one).

He hates everyone I speak to. Hates my friend, hates the people at my martial arts club, hates my instructor, hates my ex (even though he's never met him) and rubishes everything I do. He said I'd never be able to find a job with the way the country is, but as he is so "skilled and experienced", he would stand a much better chance. He wants me to quit karate, pulled a face when I told him I had an exam to do ....

I was really annoyed with him today as my kids came home from their dads and were excited as I'd told them in the car that we had two new baby guinea pigs. So of course, they ran straight to the hutch. DP then shouted very aggressively "OI, YOU TWO, GET OUT NOW" DS's were upset and shocked, I snapped at him that I'd told them they could see the pigs ... he then had a go at them about harassing them.

I waited until the kids had gone to bed and then told him I don't want him shouting at my kids like that. He said "that's not me shouting" and promptly went to bed in a mood.

Am I being paranoid or is he trying to wear me down?

OP posts:
Cocobear · 08/06/2009 02:27

Your children are now in an abusive relationship as well. Leave leave leave.

PistePrincess · 08/06/2009 08:51

Run, now. Fast and DO NOT look back. Do not listen to anything he says; he will try to persuade you that you are overreacting, You are not.

Go TODAY

jenwa · 08/06/2009 09:10

oh how awful, I do think seeing you only moved in 4 weeks ago that hopefully it will be easier to get out now as this sounds to be controlling man who will not at all love your DC and will be a bully to you and to them. Your DC do not deserve this and neither do you so I would get out now. I know you say he does nice things but everyman does and sometimes its their way of lessening the guilt on how they behave in other ways. Also to keep you happy to stay!
I think if he is like this now from not at all being like it then he will only get worse to you and your children who will then be frightened of him and scared to be around him and that is unfair on them. I agree witht he others that you need to get out of it asap.
Hope you have somewhere to go and that you did not get rid of your stuff.

Biglips · 08/06/2009 09:13

what a shit he is!

MaDuggar · 08/06/2009 09:34

Isnt this the 3rd or 4th post about this situation you have made? It all sounds very familiar, im sure i read this a week ago...

You have had good advice in your other threads, and in this one. Hopefully this time, you will take note of it.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 08/06/2009 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Olifin · 08/06/2009 09:46

Good post cloudbase.

The stuff about 'fault' is hideous. I was in an abusive relationship 12 years ago (he was my first 'love' - pah!) and to this day I STILL blame myself in some ways for the way I was treated, even though, at other times I can see him clearly for what he was: manipulative, controlling, emotionally unstable. I STILL sometimes think I 'asked for it' and I hate that he still influences me in this way, so long after the event. His treatment of me has had an effect on every relationship I've had since.

Don't focus too much on violence. My ex, while very aggressive, was never actually violent towards me. I sometimes wished he would be as I felt that would be a clear sign that I needed to get out. As it was, his emotional abuse and psychological games confused me and allowed me to believe that I may have been partly at fault.

slowreadingprogress · 08/06/2009 09:48

cocobear has said the most important thing and it bears repeating I think

your children are in this abusive relationship too

put them first, and leave.

Nekabu · 08/06/2009 09:48

Go.

Right now.

piscesmoon · 08/06/2009 09:49

I think you knew the answer when you posted-get out now-LEAVE- it will only get worse. If you don't leave now you will get worn down and it will be far more difficult.

Jux · 08/06/2009 09:53

Please MLC, get out while you're all still in one piece. Your kids are going to get ground down along with you. If you can't/won't do it for yourself, do it for them. Get. Out. Now. That means now, btw.

And yes, abusive men can and do make coffee for their victims in bed. It's to get you off-balance and undermine your own thought processes (he can't be that bad if...). He won't need to make you coffee in bed once he's ground down your resolve, personality, self-confidence, self-esteem.

Get. Out. Now.

spokette · 08/06/2009 09:55

If you don't want to think about yourself think about your children.

Do you really want to be with someone who verbally abuses them, corrodes their self-esteem and delights in showing that he does not respect their mother?

Leave for their sake or they will pay a heavy price for your indecisiveness and cowardice.

flaminhell · 08/06/2009 09:55

i am in an abusive relationship, if you met me in the street you would never know, I am not the kind of person who gets pushed around or who is likely to take any sort of abusive of anybody, but here I sit with a man who is beautiful and kind and loving, but who does and will wreak absolute havoc and control on a whim whenever it suits him and his mood.

Looking back I should have seen it coming, but I had known him so long I didnt think he was that kind of person.

If you want real life advice, leave, take whats yours and leave, because you will spend day after day, weeks months years, sitting in tears or crying or angry, and all the while you know you should have left and that you should leave, do it now, it wont be as painful and save your dc the hassle thats about to come their way.

spokette · 08/06/2009 09:57

Flaminhell, are you in a position to leave?

ZZZen · 08/06/2009 09:59

I couldn't live with someone who was not kind. No man is going to be perfect and he has a broken relationship behind him so he is also carrying that baggage around with him and needs to sort himself out a bit but he is unkind, to you AND to you dc. You will grow to dislike him intensely for that in the longer run I think.

GoodWitchGlinda · 08/06/2009 10:04

I'm sorry, but you are a selfish cow if you stay with this idiot any longer.

HE IS UPSETTING YOUR CHILDREN!!!!! Isn't that enough to tell you you need to leave - NOW?!?!

I despair of some people, I really do.

flaminhell · 08/06/2009 10:08

I was not for a good 3 or so years, I am now, I ave repositioned myself well, I have taken back my life really.

I am still with him, I love him, we have dc, he has become calmer, more stable, he has his moments, but I have my strength now, I think the problem is, it becomes normal, although sometimes annoying and frightening, and embarrarasing, it aomehow is just the way it is, and you dont realise that its not right for men to say and do what you hear.

although this morning i saw a crazy american programme about a man who strangeled his wife and killed her and for the first time I thought that could easily be me, that was had to swallow, but we will see, he has no more chances, he has had hundreds, and has none now, I am ready to go it alone and he knows that, so we will see.

Olifin · 08/06/2009 10:10

GWG...I don't think that tone is particularly helpful.

I know it can be frustrating to see someone suffering in a situation which they can do something about.

However, a victim of domestic violence (and yes, it is DV, even if there is no physical violence) is likely to have very low self-esteem so being called a selfish cow is unlikely to help.

The fact that so many DV victims find it hard to leave their abusers should tell you that there are good reasons for that. (I don't mean there are good reasons to be in the relationship, just that there are valid psychological reasons why a victim can find it extremely difficult to leave).

Olifin · 08/06/2009 10:10

GWG...I don't think that tone is particularly helpful.

I know it can be frustrating to see someone suffering in a situation which they can do something about.

However, a victim of domestic violence (and yes, it is DV, even if there is no physical violence) is likely to have very low self-esteem so being called a selfish cow is unlikely to help.

The fact that so many DV victims find it hard to leave their abusers should tell you that there are good reasons for that. (I don't mean there are good reasons to be in the relationship, just that there are valid psychological reasons why a victim can find it extremely difficult to leave).

Olifin · 08/06/2009 10:11

Oooops, sorry.

Lissya · 08/06/2009 10:18

this is a very good book.

Wish I had read it before getting involved with a particular ex. He wasn't violent but was controlling, emotionally and verbally abusive, cut me off from friends and family, spied on me (post, checked my mobile and computer when I was in the shower, hacked into my mails etc) and was generally ominous.

Even now 5 years on I initially worry if I get a text or missed call from a number I don't recognise. I am also glad I have a new married name.

I think the only reason it didn't turn into physical abuse is because I am 5'8" and a solid 10st and am pretty strong. He was a 5'10" weakling.

His divorce papers also said unreasonable behaviour but that was only because he wanted out etc... sounds familiar...

Also his ex-w was naturally a witch who was just awful whereas he was an angel....

And yet he cooked, cleaned, shopped, brought me elaborate breakfasts in bed, surprise expensive presents, surprise expensive outings (tickets to see sell-out concerts etc) and was very funny.

It's your call what you do but generally it doesn't get better. Imagine things stay as they are NOW forever, let alone worse - would you? could you?

Anyway, wishing you well. Good luck.

spokette · 08/06/2009 10:21

Good luck Flaminhell and I hope you keep your resolve when it comes to no more chances.

supagirl · 08/06/2009 10:34

I was in an abusive relationship once. Yes he could be sweet an nice and buy me soft toys and flowers and he was also very subtle. He wouldn't put me down directly, but would say about other woman "she looks gorgeous - if you made more effort you could look as good as her." however if I anything remotely feminine in practice - above the knee skirt etc - then I looked like a prostiture apparently or i should dress to suit my figure!

I used to get upset bt when I stopped reacting it got worse - he cheated on me and that was my fault, he then started pushing me about, locking me out of the house..... he didn't like my friends of family and I found myself making excuses not to see people as it became too much hassle and was easier not to........ ultimately he tried to kill me and even then I STILL went back to him.

Get out now is my advice. Take your kids, leave and don't go back. I left mine almost 10 years ago now and honestly it is the thing I am the most proud of. Thankfully I didn't have kids then - your need to leave is even more urgent because you do.

SG

GoodWitchGlinda · 08/06/2009 10:39

If my tone seems harsh, it is because I want the OP to stop asking ridiculous questions about whether this is an acceptable situation or not, and just get herself and her children out of there. Sympathy is not what is needed here - action is.

I've been in an abusive relationship, and I know what it feels like to be there and how hard it can be to get out. I didn't have any DCs then, but if I did I would have been gone at the first sign of trouble. And I would have been gone a split second after he upset my kids (or before, if I could have seen it coming). If you have children, you have to put them first. End of story.

Staying with him because he is "nice in other ways" (or whatever the quote is), when he is making her children cry and feel scared - that IS selfish, whether you like to hear it or not. That is the fact of the matter.

Children being made to feel insecure and scared in their own home??? All because their mother - who KNOWS it is wrong - decided to move in with this idiot in the first place and then continually decides to stay there?? Wrong wrong wrong.

Lissya · 08/06/2009 10:50

Oh yes, I got locked out of the house too. I also got accused of cheating and still being in love with my ex. He definitely cheated, he frequently went away for weekends and stayed out until 2am on weekdays saying he was "visiting family".

all in all, when it looks bad and it feels bad - it IS bad. There's no science bit to understand.

Why did I stay with him for 2 years... he could be so nice I couldn't believe my eyes and ears when he was being so horrible. Also, he had a way with words and made me feel like I was in a romantic novel. It was all an illusion.

True love should be based around respect and that includes respect for your person, your emotional well-being, your privacy, your hopes, your dreams and perhaps most importantly your peace of mind. If you spend more days worrying about whats wrong and there are always shadows and question marks over the relationship, it's not good.