To be annoyed at my grandma trying to give dds tiramisu?

[ladyofshallots]

My grandmother is constantly trying to stuff 19 month old and 3 year old dds with rubbish, even though she knows my views on healthy eating. I know she is from a different generation with different ideas and I do try to give her some leeway, but she insists on trying to get dd1 away from me so she can sneakily give her extra strong mints . She takes dd1 for a walk every week and I suspect it is for the express purpose of secretly feeding her crap she knows I won't allow.

Today dh had to stop her spooning brandy soaked tiramisu into 19 month old dd2, so she immediately turned to dd1 before I managed to stop her. Dd1 of course had a tantrum then and my grandma said 'oh you've got to give her something.'

It's driving me mad. I'm not even overly strict - I don't mind the odd bit of chocolate and we bake cakes at home. I have tried explaining what I like them to eat and giving some suggestions, but she seems to enjoy undermining me.

She is also very controlling with the dds, particularly dd1 and seems to want to take over whenever she is with them. She is overly affectionate to the point of being suffocating and I feel as if she regards dd1 as hers rather than mine. Dd2 is very clingy so she doesn't pay as much attention to her. I do try to let some things go, but whenever she takes dd1 out for a walk she refuses to eat her evening meal. If I confront my grandma she denies giving her sweets and acts offended.

I doubt very much that a single micro-sip of wine or beer - enough to moisten the lips - is going to do lifelong damage to be honest. My God, if kids were so delicate we wouldn't all be here now. We're not talking a glass of wine with their puree! Please don't anyone think I'm plying my nearly 3 year old DS with alcohol FGS!

ds2 is oftn found stealing wine if i hve a glass, and unless i take it everywhere with me he gets it as he is a climber

DS in the supermarket - I need to buy some wine! I go find it.

Twinkle lol ds1 refills my glass if i have a bottle of wine in fridge.

IMHO I think you trying to control what GGM gives them and wrestling puddings out of her hand in front of them will cause more food issues than it resolves.

I used to love going to both wonderful grannys' houses and being spoilt rotton with sweets, cakes, little pressies etc. I never expected it at home though.

Even now the taste of Murray mints brings back a sudden memory of my gran who I lost last year (sob).

And rock cakes I used to bake with my other granny, and that certain smell that her house had, which I think was a combination of cake, shepherd's pie and talc.

I miss them.

Sounds like maybe you are spending too much time with relatives and not enough time at home maybe? It's not just your Granny once a week if there is an issue four times a week as you say. So maybe you need to balance that a bit more in favour of home - maybe invite your family to your house instead, where your rules are more likely to be followed? Also I wonder if you have resolved your feelings about food? It's really not a good thing to be too controlling about (not that healthy eating is a bad thing, just making too big a deal about food can be very counterproductive).

They do come to my house, Nooka.

Why is she putting brandy in tiramisu? It's supposed to be soaked with coffee.

Anyway, can't see that sweets once a week is a big deal, but brandy is obviously not OK for any child, let alone a baby.

Is there just any chance you can relax? Just for ONE visit think sod it, and see what happens? You sound like you are wound up and uptight even before you get there which won't help.

The first time my LO had cake it was Granny fed, she did ask me but once it was in his mouth! At the time I thought ARGHH, but actually cake/sweets/etc once a week really isn't going to harm them and it's what grandparents are suppose to do. I fully expect my Dad to ply his GC with ice-cream when they go out and tell them to tell mummy they had an apple but if you make your peace with this before it happens it's a lot easier to deal with. So what if they don't eat there dinner once in a while.

When you and your dds look back in 10, 20, 30 years you aren't going to say, 'I really trasure the times that we spent feeling angry about extra stron mints and tiramisu' but you might think fondly of the grandma who wanted so much to spoil the children in the only way she knew.

If you're really bothered about the alcohol; and i'm not saying I'd give that to my dcs at that age, cut her some slack on the chocs and mints.

treasure

This is so obviously not about the tiramisu - I don't think it's appropriate to give a child alcohol but a bite of tiramisu would have done no lasting harm.
It does seem to be a control thing - but why not let them enjoy the treats they get with their gran and have the chance to have some fond memories of being stuffed with sweets - like I have - I sadly remember very little about her - and have not developed a sweet tooth as a result of her occasional treats.
My mil gives my ds diluted tea and I don't agree with this but it is occasional and his diet is otherwise very good - so I let it go along with the sandwich made of chocolate sprinkles - she has been doing this since he could eat but still his favourtie food is bananas and strawberries so not worried.
YABU

My mil always comes round with cakes, and my dcs then don't eat their dinner. That is quite annoying, and I always ask her to bring stickers, or bubbles, or something non-edible instead, or ice-cream for after supper. But she doesn't, and they adore her completely, and so I just let it go really. Sounds to me like you have a problem with grandma not with the food, or otherwise you're being too control freaky.

I'm never sure how much alcohol is in tiramisu - I think traditionally it's supposed to be Marsala, isn't it, which is a fortified wine. If it's shop-bought, I doubt there's very much in it - but if it's home-made, you'd have to ask.

TBH I really don't think a portion of Tiramisu could do any harm at all... but you'll need to tease out your concerns about boozy desserts from your concerns about all other sweet food.

I'd be more concerned about the raw eggs in it tbh.
But as others have said, the issue here is actually about your relationship to food, not just your reaction to your grandmother feeding your child "crap".

My kids had sherry soaked trifles at that age, and probably shop bought tiramisu which is prob synthetic alcohol. A ribbit of unhealthy stuff now and then won't harm her. The pair of you sound very controlling.

One small thought here - being too controlling about food can cause problems in later life - I know.

My mum was very controlling - watching us at the breakfast table to make sure we only had the single permitted teaspoon of sugar on our cereal, monitoring portion sizes, limiting us to one slice of bread and butter at teatime then laying out a certain selection of cakes/biscuits for us, and we had a small amount of pocket money for sweets, plus there was a tin of pick and mix sweets from which we were allowed one per day.

By the time I was a teenager, I was stealing little bits of food here and there, and trying to get two pick and mix sweets by asking each parent separately etc etc.

As soon as I left home and was in charge of my own diet, I began 'treating' myself and I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food - hence my massive weight problems.

All that aside, I can understand why you are upset by your grandmother ignoring your wishes and I would suggest that you sit down and have a proper talk with her. Tell her how much you love the children spending time with her, and that you understand her wanting to spoil her great grandchildren, and ask her if the two of you can work out a compromise - so that you can feel your parenting decisions are being respected and she can still feel like she's getting to treat her great grandchildren. If she knows she can give them some sweets or a slice of cake but you draw the line at something with alchohol in it, would that be a reasonable compromise for you and still make her happy as well?

LadyOfShallots I can see where you are coming from, My Grandmother who lives with my parents always tried to give my DS werthers original sweets. He was 14 months old when I first caught her shoving one in his mouth.
Also orange juice. DS is now 2.6 and even now OJ will give him a really sore bottom, ive told her this numerous times and she just does her selective hearing on me. She knows I dont like it and wont allow it because she tries to do it secretly so of course DS thinks its all rather fun.
I could just imagine her trying to give him a sup of her sherry... knowing my DS the little lush would love it. Grrr.

Ohhh - and Nelsons Eye, Ronaldinhio - sounds yummy and I'm sure my kids are going to love it!! Mn is sooo educational!

I never understand why people remove alcohol from dishes they serve to children. The quantities involved are small - I would use 60ml of alcohol in a Tiramisu which would serve 8 and personally I want my children to eat a proper version of a dish. We always eat together as a family and always eat authentic versions of dishes. My chocolate grand marnier mousse is their favourite pud.

Reach4sky - how dare you come on here and recklessly mention things like chocolate grand marnier mousse??? Talking about tiramisu was bad enough. My tummy is rumbling now!

Perhaps I should post the recipe??