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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my grandma trying to give dds tiramisu?

128 replies

ladyofshallots · 03/06/2009 20:55

My grandmother is constantly trying to stuff 19 month old and 3 year old dds with rubbish, even though she knows my views on healthy eating. I know she is from a different generation with different ideas and I do try to give her some leeway, but she insists on trying to get dd1 away from me so she can sneakily give her extra strong mints . She takes dd1 for a walk every week and I suspect it is for the express purpose of secretly feeding her crap she knows I won't allow.

Today dh had to stop her spooning brandy soaked tiramisu into 19 month old dd2, so she immediately turned to dd1 before I managed to stop her. Dd1 of course had a tantrum then and my grandma said 'oh you've got to give her something.'

It's driving me mad. I'm not even overly strict - I don't mind the odd bit of chocolate and we bake cakes at home. I have tried explaining what I like them to eat and giving some suggestions, but she seems to enjoy undermining me.

She is also very controlling with the dds, particularly dd1 and seems to want to take over whenever she is with them. She is overly affectionate to the point of being suffocating and I feel as if she regards dd1 as hers rather than mine. Dd2 is very clingy so she doesn't pay as much attention to her. I do try to let some things go, but whenever she takes dd1 out for a walk she refuses to eat her evening meal. If I confront my grandma she denies giving her sweets and acts offended.

OP posts:
catwalker · 03/06/2009 22:01

She sounds remarkably like my mother-in-law. When DS1 was about 6 weeks old we visited (they live about 200 miles away . When we arrived she announced that she'd ordered some "gold top" from the milkman so that DH and I could have an evening out and she could feed DS1. I tried to explain that DS1 was being exclusively breastfed and that children shouldn't have cows milk under 12 months. She told me I was being ridiculous and it didn't do my DH any harm..... Consequently I didn't dare go out for the whole visit. I also walked into the living room at one point and found her rubbing a chocolate biscuit on his lips...

She also behaved as if DS1 was hers not mine. She would buy masses of the most awful clothes (sailor suit type things) from little boutiques I'd never heard of and couldn't therefore return/exchange them. It was like she was saying she was going to decide what her grandson would wear. We were really strapped for cash at the time and it used to grieve me that she was wasting so much money on stuff that wouldn't get used. When DS1 was a few months old she rang up and announced that she had bought his cot. DH thought this was very generous. I was apoplectic (sp?)!! Whereas my family would ask what sort of thing we wanted, she had gone out and chosen HER grandson's cot without a second thought to what sort of cot I might like my son to have.

Sorry, I'm probably going way off thread here, but it's just bringing back such awful memories!!

Lemontart · 03/06/2009 22:04

yabu

This is not about tiramisu or your 19month old "drinking" brandy though is it?

Be really honest with yourself and admit that this has nothing to do with your concerns about alcohol consumption and not really anything to do with your children. Drinking brandy - hardly! A small portion with a small amount of alcohol in it is not the same as being given a swift half..Get it all back into proportion, face the real issue of your concern that she is stepping on your parental toes and you feel she is overriding you. You mention that you feel she acts as if she is the mum, not you. I would put a million pounds on this being the real crux of the problem and that your indignation over the brandy is purely a symptom of the real problem.

I make tiramisu all the time - my kids love it. Smells wonderfully boozy but amazing how a very small amount scents and flavours the whole dish. I bet there is less in there than you really imagine.

Nighbynight · 03/06/2009 22:19

Alcohol soaked pudding is really not suitable for a 19 month old though, is it, regardless of how little is in there.

I don't let my younger children have tiramisu, the youngest is 5.

Nighbynight · 03/06/2009 22:20

YANBU, by the way!

Tidey · 03/06/2009 22:21

I thought it was made with Tia Maria. That's probably not the point though, is it?

Original poster
ladyofshallots · 03/06/2009 22:31

catwalker that sounds a lot like her. Whenever I mention I want something for the dds, she goes and buys it before I get the chance (usually second hand and in poor condition).

I don't know Tidey, my aunt, who was dishing it out said it had brandy in it, but whatever, there was alcohol in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladyofshallots · 03/06/2009 22:33

I don't want my children having ANY alcohol at all.

OP posts:
wotzy · 03/06/2009 22:34

In the old days they used to soak cloth in brandy as a pacifier - the shame if they were in MN now.

Tidey, I think it is Tia Maria. I rightly or wrongly would not be too concerned because when I'm a gran I'll probably 'do' all the wrong things too.

I remember having my nan's sherry triffle as a toddler, but knowing her, she would have kept the best sherry in the drinks cabinet.

Tommy · 03/06/2009 22:34

I would be more worried about the extra strong mints TBH - my nephew had a horrible choking incident with one of those.

Tiramisu wouldn't bother me - in fact, I would be amazed if mine ate it

Original poster
ladyofshallots · 03/06/2009 22:35

I disagree about this not being to do with my children. My grandmother didn't bother me before I had children. I just feel that some things are very important, particularly what they eat and drink. I have had to explain this to other relatives too.

OP posts:
ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 03/06/2009 22:37

I wouldn't personally worry about any of it.
One spoon of it wouldn't worry me, for either of the children

Overmydeadbody · 03/06/2009 22:37

I'm with LemonPie on this one.

A 19month old and a 3 yr old wouldn't eat tiramisu, the taste of the alcohol would just put them off, one mouthful and they'd be spitting it out if my DS is anything to go by

Overmydeadbody · 03/06/2009 22:39

I hate to break it to you, but in the grand scheme of things what they eat occasionally (like at granny's house) is not really that important. Really. Honesstly.

You'll see. Wait a couple more years and they'll be eating all sorts of crap.

ReallyReally · 03/06/2009 22:39

are we talking homemade tiramisu with a load of brandy tipped in, or Marks and Spencer type tiramisu with 0.00001 teaspoonsful of brandy added

because if the latter then, dearie me, get over it

and an extra strong mint isn't going to do her any harm

YABU imo

ReallyReally · 03/06/2009 22:41

oh ah yes re choking I see

but with an older three year old; well I've fed them to mine without worrying, and I know quite a lot about choking hazards

Original poster
ladyofshallots · 03/06/2009 22:43

It just feels like it is all the time, every relative they visit tries to feed them rubbish - it can end up being 4 times a week. My grandma is the worst, but then I have MIL trying to give them horrible Nestle chocolate, my mum giving them biscuits, my aunt trying to give them big bags of sweets. Then it means that I feel we can't bake cakes at home as they have had so much sugary rubbish from everyone else.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 03/06/2009 22:43

mmmm tiramisu

poshwellies · 03/06/2009 22:45

I wish my father would stop giving my children wine gums

ReallyReally · 03/06/2009 22:45

oh they do this the buggers. My elderly next door neighbour brought us something every day - whole pack of jaffa cakes, bag of sweets, etc

we used to just shove it in the cupboard, give them one maybe, and then they forget about it

we used to eat the best bits when they had gone to bed then

Original poster
ladyofshallots · 03/06/2009 22:45

Don't know if was home made or not.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 03/06/2009 22:49

My nan hides her sweets from the grandkids, she tells them, your not allowed chocolate you havent had your tea yet, tight cow

i have to step in and say, its ok ds can have a chocolate and i'll have one too since your offering

ReallyReally · 03/06/2009 22:50

well if it was shop bought eg Tesco

Partially Reconstituted Dried Skimmed Milk, Glucose Syrup, Sugar, Vegetable Oil, Water, Sponge (8%) (Wheat Flour, Sugar, Egg, Glucose Syrup, Vegetable Oil, Raising Agents (Ammonium Bicarbonate, Disodium Diphosphates), Potato Flour, Emulsifier (Mono and Di Glycerides of Fatty Acids), Milk Proteins, Salt, Flavouring), Mascarpone Full Fat Soft Cheese (5%), Alcohol (2.5%), Marsala Wine (2%), Egg Yolk, Fat Reduced Cocoa Powder, Stabilisers (Carrageenan, Xanthan Gum), Dextrose, Coffee Extract, Wheat Starch, Emulsifier (Mono and Di Glycerides of Fatty Acids), Flavourings, Salt.

I wouldn't use the word 'soaked' to describe the alcohol content really

Original poster
ladyofshallots · 03/06/2009 22:52

I don't think I would want them eating that either though, ReallyReally.

OP posts:
ReallyReally · 03/06/2009 22:54

oh come now

it's got cheese in it

bosch · 03/06/2009 22:55

Not sure about the alcohol... but when I was little - def between 5 and 11 - I went back to my Grandma and Grandpa's house once a week after school and for tea had bread and butter, a chocolate roll, a slice of chocolate swiss roll and ice cream for tea.. This was completely unlike any meal I ever had at home! I have no idea what my Gran and Mum said to each other about my eating habits!

I may have some food issues but I don't think I can blame them all on my Grandma.

Oh, and she also gave me really odd tasting orange squash. Only recently did I realise it tasted odd because it was around 50:50 orange squash and water

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