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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at this new term of 'full time mum'

688 replies

blondie80 · 26/05/2009 12:26

i know i'm not being unreasonable.

a woman on that lottery 1-100 show on sat night referred to herself as a 'full time mum'

i take it she meant sahm instead.

i have no bones with anyone's choice as to what the do, sahm of wohm.

but... i was so annoyed i felt she was referring to wohm as - part timers??

does she forget that we do the same stuff as well as a full week at work!!

i was with my mother when we watched the show, and she has 4 dc who have left home, and says she is still a full time mum regardless.

ok rant over.

OP posts:
FairLadyRantALot · 27/05/2009 11:36

fist you say the likes of you haven't got time to concern themselves with this sort of matter...ignoring the fact that by posting on the thread indeed you do, and ignoring the fact that the op was started by a wohm....so, that theory can not be correct....which I thought was the first bit if irony....
and than you agree with squilly...which I thought was ironic,too...

kittywise · 27/05/2009 11:37

I don't really care cthea. it's all semantics. I'm a full time mum because I don't work. It's a description that's all.

It doesn't mean I care about/love my kids any more than someone who works full time but I am there with my kids more than someone who works full time, that's a given.

I'm not arguing about what my position is, I don't feel the need to defend that, Im 'arguing' about the word.

I can see how some people might get upset about the inference of the word, but what does it matter??

If you know what you are, what you do, how you feel, how you parent why would you care? You would only care if you felt you were lacking some how and had something to prove imo.

FairLadyRantALot · 27/05/2009 11:37

oh and blondie is your boss out again...you may not mumsnet whilst doing childcare, but you ain't working when ya should

kittywise · 27/05/2009 11:42

well according to the rules here I am not a full time mum because my mother has foolishly taken out all 6 dc's all day today to help me shake of this poxy cold which will not go away.

I am supposed to be curled up on the sofa with my laptop book

FairLadyRantALot · 27/05/2009 11:43

lol, I am a SOHM (Study out of home mum)

morningsun · 27/05/2009 11:44

Actually blondie what I am trying to say seriously is that I would not describe myself as a "full time mum" atm even though I am not currently at work,as my dcs are all of school age.It is usually reserved for actually being at home with the baby and preschool age full time.

I obviously AM still a mum but that is so obvious I wouldn't say so as my title.

You are obviously always a mum but"full time mum"is not a title suitable for you in general usage as you both work and your dd is older.

To announce yourself as a full time mum with grown up dcs would be quite amusing though imo.

Its just a technicality.

cthea · 27/05/2009 11:44

FairLady - what do you mean by the likes of me? I said WOHMs will be out at work and not having time to post on MN. There are a few who can but many more who can't. Why can't I agree with one of Squilly's posts? It was sensible enough.

Kittywise - you were the one who took issue when I said once a parent that's it, you're a parent, no full-time or part-time in it. You wanted to be more specific and argued that's not all there is to it. Now you say it's all semantics. I agree with the rest of your post.

violethill · 27/05/2009 11:47

I'm a full time mum and I work as well

And it's pointless to start trying to quantify how many minutes a day a parent is in the same room/house has their child anyway. Doesn't necessarily tell you anything about how happy/well adjusted/blah blah blah the child or parent is anyway.

Some kids have a parent at home all day and don't have enriching lives - there may not be much communication in the home, the child may be stuck in front of the telly or sent out to play alone in the garden. Some kids have both parents not working and have this existence - so clearly there is no simple correllation between more parental hours at home and happier/cleverer/better adjusted child!!

And of course there are millions of perfectly happy, clever, adjusted children with parents who do work and who don't work.

It seems to me that while it would be useful to be able to conjure up some term which everyone would be happy with, it doesn't actually carry any significance beyond being a convenient label.

kittywise · 27/05/2009 11:50

Yes it's true I took issue with that point because I think giving birth to a child does not automatically make you a parent. It makes you a mother, a parent is different. For most of us it does mean we parent our children, but not for all. It is not a right you have, it is something to have to work at.

But that is quite a separate point from whether a full time mum with pre school children at home is the same as a full time mum who is out of home all day and whose preschoolers are in daycare. It's not the same.

violethill · 27/05/2009 11:52

No two mums are the same kitty. We are all unique! As are our children. So I'm not quite sure what point you're trying to make.

FairLadyRantALot · 27/05/2009 11:53

oh god...I was tongue in cheak, like of you, presumably wohm...

Sqilly's post was brilliant, but kinda said what most of the SAHM/WOHM did agree on over and over, and than someone comes along (either side) with a bee in their bonnet....

See...people have said it over and over again, that what they call themselves (can be either "side" of the devide") they don't use it as a judgement of what others do, but as a way to describe what they do...the judgment is only a perceived one....often stemming from the individuals feelings of inadequacy or guilt or whatever...and again this can happen on either side...

however, I suppose we all have one thing in common (well, if we are women) we are all mums....and no one actually suggests that a mother that wohm is any less of a mother...but the OP perceived the comment on the TV as such judgement, which is why there was debate nin the first place...

And no, I am not blinkered enough to not realise that of course there will always be people that use whatever they call themselves in order to place judgment, but as I said previously those people are twunts and best be ignored

honest, to god, I should be doing something else right now...like work on assignments or whatever, lol...

nkf · 27/05/2009 11:53

What is this activity called "parenting"? Perhaps this is for another thread but for some reason, it's a term that I just don't get. Parent is a noun. It's something you are, not something you do.

FairLadyRantALot · 27/05/2009 11:56

nfk...well in Occulational Therapy terminology, being a parent is your role, as a parent your occupation is parenting, this than is devided into the tasks and activities that go with parenting....same goes for everything else...which is when it can sound even more hilarious ....like a sister is sistering and a friind is friending.... , well along the lines...works just better with some things than others...

FairLadyRantALot · 27/05/2009 11:57

that was Occupational ...would be great if I could spell the thing I am learning about, lol

nkf · 27/05/2009 11:57

Occupational?
Yes, it does sound silly when you apply it t another role. To me, it sounds silly when applied to being a parent. Is there an agreed list of activities that all parents do. And if you don't you aren't parenting?

violethill · 27/05/2009 11:58

Actually I agree with you there nkf. I am a parent. DH is a parent. No one else is a parent to our children - though lots of other people have influences on them.

I am not quite sure what 'parenting' as a verb means. Does it mean getting the children dressed/cooking them dinner/reading to them/playing? Hmm... don't think so because once they are old enough to dress themself/read themself, you don't become any less of a parent!

If we're talking about raising children, or bringing them up - then we all do that!

FairLadyRantALot · 27/05/2009 11:59

oh and quality of parenting truely does not depend on being a sahm/wohm.....I was always a crap sahm now I am still a crap mum but I am not inflicting myself as much on my children

FairLadyRantALot · 27/05/2009 12:03

nfk, in my original post I said Occulational instead of Occupational...

as for parenting....as with anything there are no hard and fast rules, and we all do things differently, however, I suppose parenting sets out certain aspects of what a parent should be expected to do, i.e. keep their child safe and at least fullfill their basic needs...

thedolly · 27/05/2009 12:09

full time mum = doing the job of a mother whilst other non full time mums are doing another job

non full time mum does not equal part time mum

if those of you who WOH can change DC's nappies, make and in some cases feed them lunch, answer their many questions, wipe their snotty noses, build towers with them, read stories to them etc. at the same time as (and I mean that literally) doing another full time job for which you get paid then feel free to call yourselves full time mums

cthea · 27/05/2009 12:10

Dolly, thanks for the permission. I don't meet all your criteria but I'll feel free anyhow.

violethill · 27/05/2009 12:14

no dolly - we don't need your permission to call ourselves full time mums, because we're all mums, all the time

And anyway I don't understand your phrase 'doing the job of a mother'. Changing nappies, building towers, cooking lunch.... well my DH has always done at least as much of this as I have, and last time I looked, he was definitely a father, not a mother!!

thedolly · 27/05/2009 12:20

Well then he can call himself a full time dad - he has my permission

(with the same proviso as for FTM of course - see above)

mother = female
father = male

presumably the original FTM was a female?!

violethill · 27/05/2009 12:24

Thanks dolly. We don't need your provisos though.
We know we're both equal, full time parents without need of the gospel according to Dolly

nkf · 27/05/2009 12:25

Is bulding towers essential to qualify for full time motherhood? Any particular kind of brick? Or is there some flexibility?

thedolly · 27/05/2009 12:28

laugh if you must but know too that I resisted the urge to say 'make biscuits with'