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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at this new term of 'full time mum'

688 replies

blondie80 · 26/05/2009 12:26

i know i'm not being unreasonable.

a woman on that lottery 1-100 show on sat night referred to herself as a 'full time mum'

i take it she meant sahm instead.

i have no bones with anyone's choice as to what the do, sahm of wohm.

but... i was so annoyed i felt she was referring to wohm as - part timers??

does she forget that we do the same stuff as well as a full week at work!!

i was with my mother when we watched the show, and she has 4 dc who have left home, and says she is still a full time mum regardless.

ok rant over.

OP posts:
nkf · 27/05/2009 12:28

I took it as read that your original list was longer.

OrmIrian · 27/05/2009 12:30

It's not a job.

Full-time or part-time. It is just what we do when we have children. Some of us are good at it, some aren't so good. But it isn't a job. Sorry to repeat myself btw.

nkf · 27/05/2009 12:34

Self repetition is essential on this thread. . Originality is frowned on.

thedolly · 27/05/2009 12:35

For some people it is in place of a job hence they consider it a 'job'.

(in the FTM context)

nkf · 27/05/2009 12:48

What is in place of a job?

kittywise · 27/05/2009 12:52

violethill, I was trying to make the point to cthea, who thinks this "This is rubbish. Once you're a mum that's that, no part-time or full-time in it. Same as being a sister, daughter, wife, friend. How many would qualify their status by saying "actually, I'm a weekend friend" or "I'm a morning, evening and weekend wife"? I bet men don't agonise over the exact box they need to tick."

She think that if you're a mum you're a mum that's it. I am saying that's obviously not true. There are many shades of parenting from the uber earth mother to the shite abusive/absent mother.

We have to work at mothering/parenting. It is not a badge we earn simply by giving birth.

This is a separate point to the full time mum debate though.

thedolly · 27/05/2009 13:02

nkf the FTM thing - duh

violethill · 27/05/2009 13:10

I am not a mum 'in place of a job'. Nor is DH a dad 'in place of a job'. What a bizarre idea. We became parents because we wanted to be. Not in place of anything else. And I would never in a million years see being a mum or dad as a 'job' anyway. It's part of who we are.

I actually think we all ought to have a moratorium on the term 'full time mum' and 'full time dad' as 99% of us are agreed that once you are a mum or dad then you don't go off duty. And the other 1% are clearly nuts!

sarah293 · 27/05/2009 13:13

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violethill · 27/05/2009 13:15

What an extremely judgemental post riven.

nkf · 27/05/2009 13:17

Lots of people care about what they are called. Many women wouldn't like the term "housewife" and "not in paid employment" went down like a lead balloon.

During the days when I didn't do paid work, I wouldn't have called myself a full time mum. Or thought that someone who did work for money wasn't a full time mum.

nkf · 27/05/2009 13:18

When you say in place of a job, you mean it takes up some of the hours that could be spent working if you chose. To me, they don't equate enough for one to replace the other.

sarah293 · 27/05/2009 13:18

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nkf · 27/05/2009 13:19

why does someone care? Because, I assume, they feel that their motherhood is full time and total and its totality is not compromised by paid employment.

FairLadyRantALot · 27/05/2009 13:20

look, lets all hold hands and aim for that brickwall over there ...we may not run into the "same wall" (in our minds) sense...but...who cares wall is wall

smallegg · 27/05/2009 13:24

this thread.
spins me right round, baby right round like a record baby

yep, still a fulltime mum today.

FairLadyRantALot · 27/05/2009 13:26

actually I am not a full time mum today, despite being home, because I am wasting spending my time mumsnetting

violethill · 27/05/2009 13:26

It was judgemental riven because you ignored all the posts from people who clearly were bothered about being described as 'not in paid employment' etc. You chose to try to make a divide between SAHM and WOHM (though interestingly you didn't mention dads!)

Look - we are all mums or dads if we have children. And there isn't an on/off button which stops us being a parent. If you stay at home 24/7 and never leave your child's side, if you put them in nursery for a couple of hours a week and go home and put your feet up, or put them in playgroup and go and earn some money during those hours, if you go out to work and earn for ANY number of hours per week YOU ARE STILL A MUM OR DAD AND NOT ANY 'LESS' A MUM OR DAD THAN ANYONE ELSE!!! Hence the term 'full time mum/dad' can be attributed to every mum and dad!

Phew!

duchesse · 27/05/2009 13:27

Being a mother or a father is not a job, it's a role. We are always mothers or fathers no matter where we are in relation to our children.

You cannot however pretend that if you are at work 8 or 10 or more hours a day that you have as active a role in your child's life during its waking hours (patently not the case) as if you are their primary caregiver. That caregiving role, if you are working outside the home, is carried out by the other parent, nanny, granny, childminder or nursery. You have delegated part of your caregiving role to someone you trust to do a good job.

I think the emotional aspect creeps in when charges are leveled from either side that doing anything other than what the speaker does is somehow neglecting the child. Which is also patent nonsense. There are plenty of ways to neglect a child, just as there are plenty of ways of parenting it. And in my opinion, choosing a good daytime caregiver whom you trust for your child while you go out to work is no good less a decision that deciding to stay at home with them.

It may make you poorer financially to stay at home, but if it's what you want to do, then you are rich with the ability to make the decision to stay at home. Unhappiness should only be a part of this process (given the many and good childcare choices available to working parents now) if the choice is forced upon us.

Bottom line is, do not stay at home with your kids because you feel you have to. That would not be doing them a service. If you have to go out to work, and would rather not, then I'm sorry for that, but rest assured that your child is not neglected because of this, assuming that you have chosen people you trust to look after them well. You are probably (almost certainly) suffering more than they are over it.

FairLadyRantALot · 27/05/2009 13:29

hmm...just to be ,erm, a contrary mary ...but if you are a teacher/nurse or whatever, that would also be described as a role, you know...

FairLadyRantALot · 27/05/2009 13:30

Anyway, I am a FCMWYWM

morningsun · 27/05/2009 13:31

Yes but the parent who gives up work/career to look after preschool dcs all day probably needs a title to say what they are doing.

Because they are doing that instead of working full time.

thedolly · 27/05/2009 13:31

good for them...pity that the career of a FTM/SAHM is compromised whilst in the unpaid employ of building towers

cthea · 27/05/2009 13:31

"There are many shades of parenting from the uber earth mother to the shite abusive/absent mother." But full-time mum doesn't explain anything of where you are in that hieracrchy. I also take issue with the uber earth mother being the pinnacle of motherhood. For a different thread, though.

lockets · 27/05/2009 13:32

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