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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have spoken up for DS over petty incident?

121 replies

MooShake · 22/05/2009 14:49

We were over at my partners house last night and a row erupted over a PC game.

Basically DP's son has a PC game that DS loves. As soon as he started playing it, dss suddenly developed a new found love for the game too and took over the PC, playing on this game for hours so DS couldn't have a go. Last week, he asked the DSS if he could borrow it. DSS ummed and arred for a bit before my partner told him not to be selfish and reminded him that he hadn't played on it for months and had only started 'liking' it again when someone else wanted to play it.

So DSS reluctantly agreed to let him borrow it. Then that night, DSS was due out on a sleep-over and guess what he decided he needed to take with him? the pc game ... so DS didn't get to borrow it after all.

So, last night, DS got a turn on the PC and asked if he could put this game on. DSS said "I don't know where it is" My son asked my partner who told his son to stop being selfish and go and get him it. The son started whinging saying he couldn't be bothered to find it, didn't know where it was etc etc....

Partner told him exactly where it was. DSS decided he had stomach ache ache and couldn't possibly look for it. This started a tug of war argument between DP and his son ...

"You go and get him it ... "
"no, you do it ... "
"can't be bothered ... "
"don't be lazy, I'm not doing it"

etc etc

DS started getting impatient, I was starting to get irritated as DS only had an hour on the PC and his time was being wasted by this ridiculous messing around.

AN HOUR LATER DS was still asking for the game, nobody would go and find it and so DS snapped "for gods sake, you're so lazy, what's the point in being so pathetitc?" so DP said "well, there's no wonder he won't let you borrow it if you talk to him like that" and this of course promted DSS to start with "exactly! thats why I won't let him use it! look how he speaks to me!" etc etc

By this point I got pissed off and said "DS, I will buy you the game tomorow so you have your own"

DP then said "I can see both sides of the argument because there is no wonder he won't let him use it speaking like that"

So I snapped and said "Well, there is no wonder he is getting inpatient when he's been asking for over an hour to play on it and nobody can be arsed to go and get it ... or even just tell him where it is"

DP then went quiet for a few minutes and then went and got the game. He also put it in DS's bag to bring home to borrow.

I feel a bit guilty now! Should I have even got involved in such a petty row? I felt like I should stand up for my son but in turn, did I show a bit of a bitchy side to me? over-protective mother maybe?

OP posts:
Tortington · 22/05/2009 14:52

sounds like you need to show your dp that side of you tbh

junglist1 · 22/05/2009 14:54

No, you're right. You're sending a clear message out here, as a mum. Your partner sounds OK though, even if he had a wobble, he did the right thing in the end.

Original poster
MooShake · 22/05/2009 14:55

Well I've never spoken up before, there has been quite a lot of spitefull, nasty behaviour from his DS but I have just let it go but last night I did get annoyed.

Later last night, his son pushed mine over and he landed on DSS's laptop. DSS then 'saw red' and pushed my DS into the ironing board for landing on his laptop. DS ended up crying.

DP said "there was no wonder he saw red really, when he landed on the laptop" so I said "well DSS should stop pushing people around really, then ACCIDENTS like that wouldn't happen."

I know I'm going to have to speak up everytime something happens but I don't want it to get to the point where it seems as if I'm picking on his son.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 22/05/2009 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

junglist1 · 22/05/2009 15:00

If DP steps in appropriately it shouldn't seem like you're picking. How old are they?

bigchris · 22/05/2009 15:04

tbh I think I'd would have gne and got the damn game from dss bedroom!
how old are they?

katiestar · 22/05/2009 15:08

I don't know why you and your DS think your DS has a right to play on your DSS game when he obviously doesn't want to lend it.

RumourOfAHurricane · 22/05/2009 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tortington · 22/05/2009 16:11

i think the kid is just being mean. its powerplay to test social hierarchy in the new scheme of things.

i think its simple common courtesy katiestar.

SamsMama · 22/05/2009 16:23

I'm really interested as well- how old are these boys?

I think you were in the right to speak up, but maybe DSS is just having problems. (Not that it gives him the right to be a brat BUT) Have you and DP been together long? How is your relationship with DSS normally? But the pushing is just uncalled for.

Maybe you should ask to speak to DP privately next time and discuss it; if DSS wants to divide the two of you, watching you argue will feed into it.

MillyR · 22/05/2009 16:31

I think there are a few different problems:

  1. DSS should not have to lend his belongings to your DS. it is very intrusive on his privacy and space and I can see why he is trying not to hand things over.
  2. Dp should not be debating with his son for an hour. He needs to have sensible ways of dealing with DSS.
  3. Your DP should not be blaming your DS for things that are not his fault.

I think all of this is creating antagonism and upset for both boys and there needs to be more respect for both of them.

So YANBU for speaking up for your son but YABU for overstepping boundaries with DSS.

Bucharest · 22/05/2009 16:37

I'd say YANBU,neither is dp, and neither are either of the children.
That said, possibly the dss is feeling a bit invaded/jealous of his father possibly acquiring a "new family" and using the game as his only bargaining tool.
Of course, unless he is 15 in which case he's an arse. (am presuming he's much younger!)
I think both children need a talking to (not in a horrible way) about the whole situation..

katiestar · 22/05/2009 16:58

Why would a 15 yr old be an arse for feeling invaded

starshaker · 22/05/2009 17:04

katie a 15 year old should know better

katiestar · 22/05/2009 17:21

she was talking about feelings - not what he knows or doesn't know

Bucharest · 22/05/2009 17:25

I'd have thought this hypothetical 15 yr old (am not imagining for a nanosecond that the child we're talking about is 15 if he's inventing stomach aches in order not to share his things ) would be secure enough in his relationship with his father not to have to resort to power games. I'd also imagine that a 15 yr old has enough of his own pursuits ongoing not to give a flying feck about Dad's new girlfriend's son wanting to play on his pooter. Surely a 15 yr old would just be out with his mates instead of helping dad to entertain?

He's not 15, is he?????

Greensneeze · 22/05/2009 17:35

I agree with katiestar

MillyR · 22/05/2009 17:39

I agree with Katiestar. I don't think many adults would be as accommodating as people expect stepchildren to be.

kittywise · 22/05/2009 17:58

It's his game, he shouldn't have to share.

I would be mighty pissed off if x came into MY house used an argument that their friend y could use my personal possessions , using the line that I hadn't used them for months therefore I would be a selfish arse if I didn't allow that.

The game belongs to dss NOT ds he should not have to share. Poor kid. This is really asking for trouble, no wonder he's showing antipathy to ds.

kickassangel · 22/05/2009 18:07

if the two adults are together, then i think it's perfectly reasonable for the children to learn about sharing things. most families have a mixture of 'personal' and 'shared' items. if these two boys are going to be spending time together, they need to learn about that.

so, an old game that's not being used much would be something i'd expect to see shared, and it sounds like both the adults here also think that. i would expect both boys to bea ble to share things. brand new games, or presents, i would tell the other one to hold back, it's not theirs.

you & dp should get together & agree how you are both going to resolve these issues. they will come up & i firmly believe that any adult who is in charge of a child, should be able to sort out problems. an agreed strategy is the best way.

memoo · 22/05/2009 18:09

I agree 100% with shineon, can't believe either of you let such a petty thing go on for days!

Tortington · 22/05/2009 18:12

really? It's his game he shouldn't have to share? i think thats a poor attitude to pass on to any child, let alone those who may form a new family.

MillyR · 22/05/2009 18:12

KissAss

They aren't a family. DP and DSS do not live in the same house as OP and her DS. So in what possible sense are they in the same family? They are visiting the house of DSS. They are guests.

juuule · 22/05/2009 18:15

My children have possessions which they don't share with their siblings and I wouldn't force them to.

Triggles · 22/05/2009 18:24

I don't agree. If you're looking at putting you all together as a family, they all need to learn to share and cooperate.

If both children were your natural children, wouldn't you expect them to share? Within reason, of course, there are always some boundaries.

But saying he shouldn't have to share is just nuts. And it will make things 10 times worse in the long run.

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