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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have spoken up for DS over petty incident?

121 replies

MooShake · 22/05/2009 14:49

We were over at my partners house last night and a row erupted over a PC game.

Basically DP's son has a PC game that DS loves. As soon as he started playing it, dss suddenly developed a new found love for the game too and took over the PC, playing on this game for hours so DS couldn't have a go. Last week, he asked the DSS if he could borrow it. DSS ummed and arred for a bit before my partner told him not to be selfish and reminded him that he hadn't played on it for months and had only started 'liking' it again when someone else wanted to play it.

So DSS reluctantly agreed to let him borrow it. Then that night, DSS was due out on a sleep-over and guess what he decided he needed to take with him? the pc game ... so DS didn't get to borrow it after all.

So, last night, DS got a turn on the PC and asked if he could put this game on. DSS said "I don't know where it is" My son asked my partner who told his son to stop being selfish and go and get him it. The son started whinging saying he couldn't be bothered to find it, didn't know where it was etc etc....

Partner told him exactly where it was. DSS decided he had stomach ache ache and couldn't possibly look for it. This started a tug of war argument between DP and his son ...

"You go and get him it ... "
"no, you do it ... "
"can't be bothered ... "
"don't be lazy, I'm not doing it"

etc etc

DS started getting impatient, I was starting to get irritated as DS only had an hour on the PC and his time was being wasted by this ridiculous messing around.

AN HOUR LATER DS was still asking for the game, nobody would go and find it and so DS snapped "for gods sake, you're so lazy, what's the point in being so pathetitc?" so DP said "well, there's no wonder he won't let you borrow it if you talk to him like that" and this of course promted DSS to start with "exactly! thats why I won't let him use it! look how he speaks to me!" etc etc

By this point I got pissed off and said "DS, I will buy you the game tomorow so you have your own"

DP then said "I can see both sides of the argument because there is no wonder he won't let him use it speaking like that"

So I snapped and said "Well, there is no wonder he is getting inpatient when he's been asking for over an hour to play on it and nobody can be arsed to go and get it ... or even just tell him where it is"

DP then went quiet for a few minutes and then went and got the game. He also put it in DS's bag to bring home to borrow.

I feel a bit guilty now! Should I have even got involved in such a petty row? I felt like I should stand up for my son but in turn, did I show a bit of a bitchy side to me? over-protective mother maybe?

OP posts:

kittywise · 26/05/2009 09:37

missSunny, that's an interesting take you have on the possessions in your house. Some of my kids have their own consoles, computers.

They belong to them and they were bought either by me and dh or grandparents, so what it doesn't mean I have rights over them. Just because they are in my house it doesn't mean they are mine.

I would always ask them if I can use their things, always knock before I enter their rooms. It is about showing them respect. You give respect you get it back. You teach your children the meaning of respect, give them the ability to respect others by the way you treat them.

nannyL · 26/05/2009 10:05

YANBU

good on you for stannding up for your son. you did the right thing imo

sounds like the other child and a spoilt brat.

kittywise · 26/05/2009 10:39

Another caring poster well versed in the problems of step families I see.

juuule · 26/05/2009 10:48

I agree with Kitty.
MissSunny you say your dd owns her computer console, but because you paid for it you don't bother asking her permission to use it because it's in your house and you paid for it? It's not hers then, is it? What a dreadful attitude.

NannyL you are congratulating the op on standing up for her son. Who is standing up for her dp son? Nobody by the sound of it. No wonder he's not overly forthcoming with stuff.

Sycamoretree · 26/05/2009 11:10

This thread has made me feel quite sad.

I think custardo is speaking sense.

These kids have got to learn to rub along together. And this wasn't one evening, this was the result of a series of computer related incidents where the DSS was testing out the power balance between him and DS and seeing how far his dad would go to back him up.

It was really up to the DP to take his son aside at some point and explain why, on a human level, it's a good idea to share if he feels he can (he obviously wasn't THAT bothered about this particular game). Isn't this what we should be teaching our children?

I can't bear this what's mine is mine attitude. Especially not in this situation - I don't think the neighbours car analogy works at all. These boys are now linked together whether they like it or not, so should be encouraged to try and share as one would expect siblings to share.

juuule · 26/05/2009 11:14

"It was really up to the DP to take his son aside at some point and explain why, on a human level, it's a good idea to share if he feels he can"

I agree with that, but if it's his game it's up to him who he shares it with.

Sycamoretree · 26/05/2009 11:33

I suppose you're right Juuule, but I'm sure at some point there'll be something the DSS would like to borrow of the DS's and unless some ground rules are laid down at this point, there'll be rucks like this in perpetuity for this new family.

I'd understand more if it was a more personal posession, but it's a computer game. And from the OP it did sounds more like power playing, though of course there are two sides to every story.

juuule · 26/05/2009 11:43

My dc have their own computer games that others have to ask permission to use. If it's yours, isn't it a personal possession regardless of what it is?

Sycamoretree · 26/05/2009 11:47

Yes it is, but it's not an attitude I'm personally in favour of putting weight behind - it offends my anti-capitalist sensibilies lol

I suppose I have all this to come as mine are still under 5 and I will encourage sharing at every juncture as these are the values I want them to have.

You're post is technically right, as in, if these kids were standing up in a court of law....but how awful to have to arbitrate family squabbles with such cold hard logical facts (and not an attack on your juuule, just the situation)

kittywise · 26/05/2009 11:53

the whole issue of sharing gets much more complicated when they are older though. Under 5's can be persuaded to share much more easily. they are not as attached to possessions.

My 5, 3 and 2 year olds are happy to mix and match, swap around, they don't care really.
My 7 year old certainly has things which are private and only hers and it becomes more important as they get older, my 9 and 10 year olds have more things that they consider theirs and I would not dream of 'forcing' them to share in the same way as I do my under 5's.

I personally think the op shows huge insensitivity to what is actually going on with dss it is not about an old computer game and she should know that really.

kittywise · 26/05/2009 12:19

Interestingly, I've just this second had to deal with this very issue.
Ds2(9) has a pair of old plastic roller skate type things that he never uses. They live at the bottom of the shoe rack
Dd1(7) puts them on and ds2 immediately says she can't use them. DD1 comes and complains to me that he never uses them and now she wants to borrow them he won't let her and is suddenly interested in them.

I agree with her that it is indeed very annoying but they are his to share/use as he wishes.

He then complains that she has a ds that she never uses but won't share with him. Again I agree that that is indeed very annoying but it is hers to share/use as she wishes.

I suggest to them both that sharing things around can be beneficial to them because they get to use more things than if they just kept their own things to themselves.
But these are their own things and they must choose for themselves
Now they have just gone past the kitchen having swapped goodies!!!

Forcing is never right imho.

Sycamoretree · 26/05/2009 12:48

No, I agree. I would never have forced the sharing, and I can totally see that this is about more than the sharing in the case of the OP. I just would advise the OP and her DP to use this as a reason to talk further with their two sons about how they are feeling about things (and I don't mean together!).

Welshwoman · 26/05/2009 13:18

Kittywise - you are indeed wise

I think the OP needs to really consider how she feels about becoming a SM to a child she is already finding tedious - the pushing may not have been pleasant but I think the DP?s son feels pushed around - games for a 12 yrd old are very important and personnel.

piscesmoon · 26/05/2009 20:03

'These kids have got to learn to rub along together'

Why? They may not like each other, ever!
Their parents may move into together but they can't force the DSs to like it and they can't force them to be friends. There are some people I just don't take to, however hard I try and living with them would be a nightmare!
To move in as things stand at the moment would be a giant mistake. They can't pretend there are no big problems, and they need to be sorted out first.As far as you can tell from the posts, OP has never been out with dss on her own, DP has never had her ds on his own and the two boys have never had chance to bond away from the adults. Therefore OP and DP have a good relationship with each other and their own DC only and yet they are proposing to live together-at the very least a new start on neutral territory would be better. I can't imagine the horror that I would have felt at 12 yrs if my mother was taking me off to live with another 12 yr old that I didn't even like and saying 'tough you have to rub along'!
You can take a horse to water.....comes to mind.

Sycamoretree · 27/05/2009 10:06

Maybe our definitions of rub along together are different then Piscesmoon.

And you're exaggerating my post to say a parent should say "tough, you have to rub along together" - that's crazy - I'd never advocate such an uncaring attitude in this situation so please don't misrepresent my post in a copy and paste.

A dictionary definition of rub along together suggests that two people, or even cultures, who may previously have been antagonistic towards each other learn to live together in a SATISFACTORY way.

That's what I would expect of any decent human being, no matter what age they were, and no matter the context.

kittywise · 27/05/2009 11:31

Either way the op has bowed out, maybe she's organising a time to get to know her dss better and find out why he obviously feels angry and resentful. ( no need to get Sherlock in on this one)

Sycamoretree · 27/05/2009 11:33

...kittywise - are you out to spoil my sleuthing fun again?

kittywise · 27/05/2009 11:39

did you have your pipe already prepared?

Sycamoretree · 27/05/2009 12:26

Stoked and ready to roll.

Will have to take my skills elsewhere now.

for kittywise

kittywise · 27/05/2009 12:58

hey, don't worry I'll be keeping an eye out for your sleuthing skills and when if I can't understand the point of a thread I'll come looking for you

piscesmoon · 27/05/2009 13:48

I still think that the boys may not wish 'to learn to live together in a satisfactory way', and most definitely not if the parents don't talk to them about it and listen to their views and try compromise.

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