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Original poster

To have spoken up for DS over petty incident?

121 replies

MooShake · 22/05/2009 14:49

We were over at my partners house last night and a row erupted over a PC game.

Basically DP's son has a PC game that DS loves. As soon as he started playing it, dss suddenly developed a new found love for the game too and took over the PC, playing on this game for hours so DS couldn't have a go. Last week, he asked the DSS if he could borrow it. DSS ummed and arred for a bit before my partner told him not to be selfish and reminded him that he hadn't played on it for months and had only started 'liking' it again when someone else wanted to play it.

So DSS reluctantly agreed to let him borrow it. Then that night, DSS was due out on a sleep-over and guess what he decided he needed to take with him? the pc game ... so DS didn't get to borrow it after all.

So, last night, DS got a turn on the PC and asked if he could put this game on. DSS said "I don't know where it is" My son asked my partner who told his son to stop being selfish and go and get him it. The son started whinging saying he couldn't be bothered to find it, didn't know where it was etc etc....

Partner told him exactly where it was. DSS decided he had stomach ache ache and couldn't possibly look for it. This started a tug of war argument between DP and his son ...

"You go and get him it ... "
"no, you do it ... "
"can't be bothered ... "
"don't be lazy, I'm not doing it"

etc etc

DS started getting impatient, I was starting to get irritated as DS only had an hour on the PC and his time was being wasted by this ridiculous messing around.

AN HOUR LATER DS was still asking for the game, nobody would go and find it and so DS snapped "for gods sake, you're so lazy, what's the point in being so pathetitc?" so DP said "well, there's no wonder he won't let you borrow it if you talk to him like that" and this of course promted DSS to start with "exactly! thats why I won't let him use it! look how he speaks to me!" etc etc

By this point I got pissed off and said "DS, I will buy you the game tomorow so you have your own"

DP then said "I can see both sides of the argument because there is no wonder he won't let him use it speaking like that"

So I snapped and said "Well, there is no wonder he is getting inpatient when he's been asking for over an hour to play on it and nobody can be arsed to go and get it ... or even just tell him where it is"

DP then went quiet for a few minutes and then went and got the game. He also put it in DS's bag to bring home to borrow.

I feel a bit guilty now! Should I have even got involved in such a petty row? I felt like I should stand up for my son but in turn, did I show a bit of a bitchy side to me? over-protective mother maybe?

OP posts:
Original poster
MooShake · 23/05/2009 15:40

The bribing is also a problem actually.

One night me and DP ordered a take-away on the night for ourselves. Next morning both boys were a bit pissed off that they'd missed out and were basically told "tough, we deserve a treat too".

Anyway DS got over it, I thought DSS had too.

I later found out that as soon as I was out of earshot, DP had promised to order his son a take-away when we'd gone home.

OP posts:
kittywise · 23/05/2009 16:44

I think there are going to be problems once you move in.

Kimi · 23/05/2009 17:43

Mooshake I think it is going to be really hard going moving in together for everyone, if your DP will not set the rules and stick to them and make sure they are the same for both boys then it is going to be hell.

I really admire step family' s with children who can make it work, I know I could not, I have 2 children DP has none and if he had of done I would have stayed well clear of him also I made it clear very early on that I will not be having a child with him no way no how, my children have had enough to deal with without half siblins clouding the mix.

I think you need to set the rules together and stick to them, his child sounds a bit of a brat and is allowed to get away with it.

Triggles · 23/05/2009 21:10

Sorry, but I have to agree with those few sane people that have said that your DSS needs to learn to share and sounds like a bit of a brat. He's using the situation to his advantage. Whether or not he has issues with the situation doesn't excuse his behaviour or your DP's limp reaction to it.

Good luck. If you and your DP don't come to some agreement, this kid is gonna play you both for all it's worth.

Sidge · 23/05/2009 21:39

Calling the DSS a brat is rather harsh.

He's 12. His life is about to turn upside down.

I think you should expect some reaction to that, however unpleasant or inappropriate it might be. Yes we should encourage children to share, yes his dad could have handled it better but the poor boy has (by the sounds of it) lost his mum from his home and now is about to share his dad with 2 new people not of his choosing.

I am not surprised he is behaving in such a way and deserves a little leeway and consideration, rather than being labelled a brat.

katiestar · 23/05/2009 21:44

FGS you don't even live there! .You are demanding this poor child lends his posessions to you DS and want to decide whether his Dad can buy him a takeaway or not.

TheYearOfTheCat · 24/05/2009 00:36

Actually, the issue concerning the take away was not so much bribery, as an example of where your DP undermined your joint message to both children.

Katiestar - my understanding of the post was that this was a joint message from both adults, to both children - not the OP demanding that her DP doesn't buy a takeaway - give her a break.

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/05/2009 00:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 24/05/2009 05:58

I wouldn't move in until you have sorted out the ground rules. It sounds as if it could be hell at the moment.
I would get all 4 of you to sit down and have a family meeting maybe draw up a list of pros and cons. Take the cons list and find ways to resolve them-get it all out into the open.
Once you have all agreed on the rules I would talk to DP and make sure that he isn't going to undermine it.
I would get to know your dss, go out with him on your own while dp goes out with your ds.
At the moment it sounds as if it will be a family made up of 'us' and 'them'.

kittywise · 24/05/2009 07:18

hey triggles, is that your caring side?

piscesmoon · 24/05/2009 08:11

Triggles, who has no understanding of the difficulties of having a step brother, that you don't particularly like, in your home and sharing your belongings would be a pretty scary step mother! A bit of sensitivity is called for IMO.

Bucharest · 24/05/2009 09:56

Hmmm. Now I know they're both 12 I've changed my mind.....
I imagine that 2 x 12 year old boys being forced to be friends/brothers is a no-win situation....Piscesmoon has some good ideas...
(FWIW I think both boys behaved understandably, because as has been said, it's not about the video game at the end of the day, it's about power and each one feeling threatened and wanting to get their own way, and be validated by their respective parent, but they both behaved inappropriately, as did the 2 adults in how they dealt with it....)
Are you sure you want to move in????
I think you need to sort some ish-oos first..

ellingwoman · 24/05/2009 10:52

Agree with Bucharest.

Also does anyone else agree that dp giving in to the take-away scenario is similar to the op agreeing to buy her ds the computer game? Trying to end the disagreements in a over-the-top, giving-in way?

Op, the argument was way over the top. Your lives are going to be hell if you don't get everyone working together. Put off the moving in date - don't rush before you are all ready. Have you tried looking at it from the other side - if they were moving in with you and dss wanted to use your ds's computer and both adults clamouring for him to give it up? Are you sure he wouldn't be digging his heels in the same way?

Whatever happens - good luck!

SlartyBartFast · 24/05/2009 11:05

i don;t know how it went on for an hour

i missed readingn the ages.....

i think he should have shared though.

SlartyBartFast · 24/05/2009 11:11

i seem to have missed a page, that disclosed the ages.
there will have to be give and take and there will be more battles like this.

piscesmoon · 24/05/2009 14:08

Why not try a holiday together before you move in? It would mean that the boys could get to do things together without you and DP and you could swap around and do things with dss and DP with your ds.
If you can't afford a holiday at least try a weekend or some days out-anything to get the boys on their own away from the adults. You could see whether it would work long term.

Triggles · 24/05/2009 17:27

oh puhleese, you don't know me, piscesmoon, so you have no idea what I do or don't know about having a stepsibling or being a stepparent. It's a power struggle that is very common - the kid is taking advantage of it and the dad is being a bit wishywashy in dealing with it. It's not that uncommon and it's not that complicated. There's caring and then there's letting your kids run your household.

piscesmoon · 24/05/2009 20:36

'Sorry, but I have to agree with those few sane people that have said that your DSS needs to learn to share and sounds like a bit of a brat. He's using the situation to his advantage. Whether or not he has issues with the situation doesn't excuse his behaviour or your DP's limp reaction to it.'

I just disagree entirely with this. Why should a 12 yr old like having a boy of the same age come into his home and share all his things and his dad? It isn't his choice. If the adults want to make it work they have to do lots of bonding type things. They can't just move in and hope for the best. I think his issues with the situation excuse his behaviour. I would bet that he has never spent time on his own with future step mother and he has never spent time on his won getting to know the new step brother without adults. A lot of work needs to be put in before they move in. Telling him to like it or lump it-isn't very helpful. I would guess DP knows that he hates the idea but isn't dealing with it, and isn't being open with OP. I would agree that DP has a limp reaction, but forcing him to share the game isn't the answer.We can't know he is a brat.

Tortington · 24/05/2009 20:44

its not share all his things - its share a game, he doesn't play.

i just think mumsnet has a brianfart at times like this. I totally get when someone has a different opinion - i can see their POV event if i vehemently disagree with it

but i totally dont get how people say its ok NOT to share.

and even turn this into @you shouldn't force him to give up all his worldy posessions' ok i embellish

but the kid was being deliberatley obtuse regarding a game he didn't use.

it would have been a nice thing for him to share this game.

he should be encouraged to do so.

this has to be done in the correct manner

and the way the family comes together, needs to be thought about more.

piscesmoon · 24/05/2009 20:54

If it was just a game it would be simple!

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 25/05/2009 11:06

This isn't just about the game though is it, it's about the invasion of his home and space that this 12 year old boy is experiencing. That feeling of being invaded has been exacerbated instead of ameliorated by the adult's behaviour here.

I agree that you need to do an awful lot more preparation for blending your families, than you have done at present. Otherwise, from a dodgy start, it will just go downhill. I agree with everyone that your DP is pathetic, but it sounds like he undermined you becase he is feeling guilty and uneasy about putting his DS in a horrible position. That's not an excuse, but I agree with Pointydog that all the tensions, negative issues etc. need to be brought out into the open so they can be addressed now. Otherwise, behaviours can become entrenched and you will all be in for a really rough ride.

piscesmoon · 25/05/2009 20:04

OP starts by saying it was a 'petty incident' and I was ready to say that dss shouldn't have been so mean and should have been made to share his game. However, it wasn't a petty incident. I wonder if OP really saw it as that and hadn't realised the implications. Before she does anything else, I think she should speak to DP and get the truth about what his DS thinks of them moving in.She should also have a heart to heart with her own DS about his feelings.

simplesusan · 25/05/2009 23:25

At first I thought that your partner should have got the game and handed it to your ds but since reading some, not all, of the thread have changed my mind.

Now I think that at the end of the day it is his game and he can play it/share it with who he likes.
The truth of the matter is that they are not brothers, merely 2 volatile kids who through fate have been thrown together. I think people seldom recognise just how difficult the situation can be for children when their parents meet new partners. I am not having a go at the op.
Personally I would buy your ds the game if he likes it that much.
I am thinking about how I would feel if someone came into my life and I was told to "share" my things with them-I don't think so would be my reaction!!!!

MissSunny · 25/05/2009 23:45

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 26/05/2009 07:42

I would give it up MissSunny.
I was a single parent with one DS.
DH2 had no DCs to make added difficulties, but when he asked me to marry him I insisted that we went on holiday together first. DS got on very well with him but he had never seen DS at his worst-I wanted to make sure he saw it 'warts and all'. We went to an isolated villa, just the 3 of us and so we were reliant on each other's company. In that time DS was lovely most of the time but he also threw a massive tantrum at one point. It didn't put DH off.
If it had, or I felt that he wasn't right for DS then I wouldn't have gone through with it. I came as a package. I am the adult, if I am heartbroken I live with it, I am the adult-my DC comes first. If I was OP there is no way I would move in if it wasn't suitable for my DS.As soon as you have DCs, you have responsibilities, you are not fancy free to do what you like. If I was OP I wouldn't give up on it, but I would work at it and not move in until we had ironed out the problems-possibly with family counselling.