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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have spoken up for DS over petty incident?

121 replies

MooShake · 22/05/2009 14:49

We were over at my partners house last night and a row erupted over a PC game.

Basically DP's son has a PC game that DS loves. As soon as he started playing it, dss suddenly developed a new found love for the game too and took over the PC, playing on this game for hours so DS couldn't have a go. Last week, he asked the DSS if he could borrow it. DSS ummed and arred for a bit before my partner told him not to be selfish and reminded him that he hadn't played on it for months and had only started 'liking' it again when someone else wanted to play it.

So DSS reluctantly agreed to let him borrow it. Then that night, DSS was due out on a sleep-over and guess what he decided he needed to take with him? the pc game ... so DS didn't get to borrow it after all.

So, last night, DS got a turn on the PC and asked if he could put this game on. DSS said "I don't know where it is" My son asked my partner who told his son to stop being selfish and go and get him it. The son started whinging saying he couldn't be bothered to find it, didn't know where it was etc etc....

Partner told him exactly where it was. DSS decided he had stomach ache ache and couldn't possibly look for it. This started a tug of war argument between DP and his son ...

"You go and get him it ... "
"no, you do it ... "
"can't be bothered ... "
"don't be lazy, I'm not doing it"

etc etc

DS started getting impatient, I was starting to get irritated as DS only had an hour on the PC and his time was being wasted by this ridiculous messing around.

AN HOUR LATER DS was still asking for the game, nobody would go and find it and so DS snapped "for gods sake, you're so lazy, what's the point in being so pathetitc?" so DP said "well, there's no wonder he won't let you borrow it if you talk to him like that" and this of course promted DSS to start with "exactly! thats why I won't let him use it! look how he speaks to me!" etc etc

By this point I got pissed off and said "DS, I will buy you the game tomorow so you have your own"

DP then said "I can see both sides of the argument because there is no wonder he won't let him use it speaking like that"

So I snapped and said "Well, there is no wonder he is getting inpatient when he's been asking for over an hour to play on it and nobody can be arsed to go and get it ... or even just tell him where it is"

DP then went quiet for a few minutes and then went and got the game. He also put it in DS's bag to bring home to borrow.

I feel a bit guilty now! Should I have even got involved in such a petty row? I felt like I should stand up for my son but in turn, did I show a bit of a bitchy side to me? over-protective mother maybe?

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 23/05/2009 08:33

maximize that should say lol

FabulousBakerGirl · 23/05/2009 08:37

You are feeling guilty, imo, because ventually your son got what he wanted but there is no need too. It was a ridiculous situation. Your DSS could have explained nicely why he didn't want to share the game and you should stick up for your son but to me there are more issues and some rules need to be laid down.

Special things - my DD has a cuddly that I would never say she had to share - are fine to be kept separate but imo a computer game does not come under that.

frasersmummy · 23/05/2009 08:42

I am totally shocked at so many posts saying kids shouldnt have to share...

I thought this was a basic skill all kids should be taught and not given up just because they get older

I understand there are special toys.. ie there is no way on earth ds would share his bedtime bear or his small red ride on but if he has a friend round he will say no thats mine but you can have this digger to ride on or another bear

I think sharing makes you a better person

perhaps in this case a compromise could have been reached .. if you let ds borrow x then next time dss will le you borrow y

hercules1 · 23/05/2009 08:52

I am with custardo on this. Good for you for saying something.

juneybean · 23/05/2009 10:53

Have we found out how old they are? lol

EmotionalRex · 23/05/2009 11:21

I like that idea "you're 42 and a high court judge for pity's sake. Now share NICEly"

EmotionalRex · 23/05/2009 11:23

Mooshake - perfectly reasonable by the way, but if there are underlying issues or this is becoming a pattern... it needs dealing with, as others have said. You and DP need to discuss without the kids being present.

ellingwoman · 23/05/2009 11:49

I feel sorry for dss. He's making a stand over the game but it's probably a wider issue he feels upset about. Sharing his dad etc. And to feel he has no-one on his side. I think his age is irrelevant.

Mog37 · 23/05/2009 12:32

YABU. Sharing is nice - but by it's very nature, it's not something that you are ENTITLED to. DS doesn't have a right to use DSS's game or his computer. If DSS wanted to share, that would be good but it would be an act of generosity on his part - you can encourage generosity but it's not something you can force.

From DSS's point of view, the scenario might all seem a bit like "This woman and her son have invaded MY house and commandeered MY property, which they're now planning on taking away with them!".

Your DSS hasn't asked for a relationship with you or your son - does he think of you yet as his step-mom and step-brother? If you're not living together, you aren't a full family just yet, and I think - as you're the the adult - that you should have backed off when you realised that he wasn't willingly sharing. I'm sure you and DS didn't mean it to sound like this but I can imagine that to keep asking for the game came across to DSS as a bit pushy and, well, as if you & DSS thought you were entitled to it. I can see how it would have put someone's back up.

Perhaps you and DP need to come up with some ground rules for the behaviour you expect of the boys? If you then communicated those as a united front, at least the boys would know what standards you expected. And if you do agree that DS is entitled to take DSS's games, then at least DSS will have been warned.

TheYearOfTheCat · 23/05/2009 12:48

I have only read half way through the thread, but my thoughts, for what they are worth, are these;

There has been a lot of debate on the thread as to whether children should be forced to share their belongings etc. However, I think the crux of this issue is the amount of attention that has been given to the DSS over this situation.

My Mum always says that no matter how outrageous the behaviour (with the exception of real safety issues) that you should always completely ignore bad behaviour, and praise the good, because the child (and in my case, very often my DH ) is rewarded with a reaction, even if it is a negative one.

Your DSS has had days of being the centre of attention and being cajoled to share. Next time completely ignore him and make a fuss of your DS for being the better person in not minding, and then going and finding something fun to do together.

I think you need to explain to your DP that this is how you intend to manage things in future.

The only thing about this approach, is that it is so easy to see, and to give advice about when you are on the outside. I think when you are caught in the thick of it, it is really difficult to actually implement.

HTH

juuule · 23/05/2009 12:55

I don't think that bad behaviour should always be ignored. A child could be behaving badly because they are not experienced enough to be able to air their views in a rational manner.
One posibility is if bad behaviour is for attention of the negative kind then maybe there isn't enough of the positive kind going their way.

Either of these may or may not be the case with dss.
He maybe just doesn't want his game to be used by op son. It's quite possible that he might not even like op son. Not everyone gets along with everybody else all the time.

TheYearOfTheCat · 23/05/2009 13:06

Ok, I have finished reading the thread - some really good advice and observations on here. I see other people's points about not forcing DSS to share (and I had never thought about it before, but it isn't really a lesson, unless there is a lot of praise lavished on him as a result). I think there is potential to try to do some group activities - board games or team activities where there is turn taking.

OP - have you said what age the boys are? How long / serious is your relationship? Is there potential for moving in / marriage in the future?

I agree with the posters who have said you firstly need to discuss with your DP in private, and then have a discussion amongst all 4 of you.

mrsruffallo · 23/05/2009 13:22

YANBU
Of course he should have shared the game, especially as it was one that he rarely uses.
DSS was objecting to sharing with your son, it didn't matter what game it was.
That was the problem

kittywise · 23/05/2009 14:28

Where is the OP? I am feeling more and more sorry for dss

juuule · 23/05/2009 14:35

Mrsruffalo - Why should he have shared the game if he didn't want to? Wouldn't it have been better for his dad to find out (when op ds wasn't there) what the problem was and maybe look for a way around that?

Sidge · 23/05/2009 14:52

But this isn't really about a computer game is it? It's about the DSS feeling less important or valued than the OPs son.

I agree that the dad was a bit wet in his dealings of it, and it was daft to bugger about for over an hour arguing about who was going to get the game, but essentially the DSS probably didn't give a stuff about the game, it was about sharing his dad and whether his dad was on his side or not. His dad then gave the message that his son's feelings were less important than his girlfriend's son's feelings.

juuule · 23/05/2009 14:55

It might just have been about the game. Is he happy to share anything else with op son?

Original poster
MooShake · 23/05/2009 15:01

The kids are 12.

We are moving in in a few weeks.

The PC is in the living room and does not belong to DSS. DSS hardly ever uses it but has now gotten into the habit of deciding he "needs to do something" on the PC everytime we are there as he knows full well DS loves to use the PC. It won't be as much of an issue when we do move in as DS will have his own PC there. But I suppose what annoys me more is that DSS has his own laptop ... so why does he constantly need to take over the living room PC? It's simply a power struggle and whilst I can understand his feelings, its becoming tedious.

The game isn't even his really, it belongs to his father.

OP posts:
juuule · 23/05/2009 15:08

"and whilst I can understand his feelings, its becoming tedious"

Doesn't sound like you understand his feelings that much to me.

Original poster
MooShake · 23/05/2009 15:15

I do because I was in the same position at his age. I remember feeling pushed out and as though the 'new family' was taking priority over me. But when it's every little thing turning into a power struggle, it does get irritating.

OP posts:
Kimi · 23/05/2009 15:17

I think you are heading for hell on earth once you move in together.

muggglewump · 23/05/2009 15:18

I can see why you'd be upset. I think I would be too.
Do you both have only children?

I ask as I have an only and I would feel the same way you do, but in your DP's shoes the same way he does probably!
Making kids share when they have never really had to before can be hard as I'm guessing can suddenly having two parents and two children.
I know I'd cope badly with it (tis why I won't date until DD is independent)

I do think DSS is being a bit mean, he's almost taunting your DS with the game and PC use which is unfair.

I think the best advice which you've already had is to talk to your DP about it, make some groundrules and then sit down all four of you and discuss it.

Good Luck

MillyR · 23/05/2009 15:21

How do the children feel about you moving in?

Original poster
MooShake · 23/05/2009 15:29

They both reckon they're happy about it but I'm not so sure his DS is tbh.

I have a feeling DP is hiding stuff from me. Like for instance yesterday his DS was in a foul mood all day.

I asked DP what was wrong with him and he said he didn't know.

I went out for a couple of hours, came home and his DS was in a much better mood ... I asked DP if he had found out what the mood was about and he stuttered, wouldn't look me in the eye and said "it's just his age I think".

Personally I think the mood was something to do with us and whilst we were out, DP had promised him something to make up for whatever we'd done to upset him.

OP posts:
juuule · 23/05/2009 15:34

I think your dp needs to be more honest with you and also not be inclined to bribing his son.