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Original poster

To have spoken up for DS over petty incident?

121 replies

MooShake · 22/05/2009 14:49

We were over at my partners house last night and a row erupted over a PC game.

Basically DP's son has a PC game that DS loves. As soon as he started playing it, dss suddenly developed a new found love for the game too and took over the PC, playing on this game for hours so DS couldn't have a go. Last week, he asked the DSS if he could borrow it. DSS ummed and arred for a bit before my partner told him not to be selfish and reminded him that he hadn't played on it for months and had only started 'liking' it again when someone else wanted to play it.

So DSS reluctantly agreed to let him borrow it. Then that night, DSS was due out on a sleep-over and guess what he decided he needed to take with him? the pc game ... so DS didn't get to borrow it after all.

So, last night, DS got a turn on the PC and asked if he could put this game on. DSS said "I don't know where it is" My son asked my partner who told his son to stop being selfish and go and get him it. The son started whinging saying he couldn't be bothered to find it, didn't know where it was etc etc....

Partner told him exactly where it was. DSS decided he had stomach ache ache and couldn't possibly look for it. This started a tug of war argument between DP and his son ...

"You go and get him it ... "
"no, you do it ... "
"can't be bothered ... "
"don't be lazy, I'm not doing it"

etc etc

DS started getting impatient, I was starting to get irritated as DS only had an hour on the PC and his time was being wasted by this ridiculous messing around.

AN HOUR LATER DS was still asking for the game, nobody would go and find it and so DS snapped "for gods sake, you're so lazy, what's the point in being so pathetitc?" so DP said "well, there's no wonder he won't let you borrow it if you talk to him like that" and this of course promted DSS to start with "exactly! thats why I won't let him use it! look how he speaks to me!" etc etc

By this point I got pissed off and said "DS, I will buy you the game tomorow so you have your own"

DP then said "I can see both sides of the argument because there is no wonder he won't let him use it speaking like that"

So I snapped and said "Well, there is no wonder he is getting inpatient when he's been asking for over an hour to play on it and nobody can be arsed to go and get it ... or even just tell him where it is"

DP then went quiet for a few minutes and then went and got the game. He also put it in DS's bag to bring home to borrow.

I feel a bit guilty now! Should I have even got involved in such a petty row? I felt like I should stand up for my son but in turn, did I show a bit of a bitchy side to me? over-protective mother maybe?

OP posts:
juuule · 22/05/2009 18:30

"If both children were your natural children, wouldn't you expect them to share?"

I don't force my children(natural) to share things which are specifically theirs. I might try to reason with them as to why it might be a good idea to share. But then it's up to them.

MillyR · 22/05/2009 18:35

My children share because they want to. It is their choice if they let a sibling into their room or use their belongings. They are very close and often choose to sleep in the same bed, but how much time they spend together, their space and the fate of their belongings is within THEIR control.

troutpout · 22/05/2009 18:43

mmm..actually i don't think he should be forced to share it either
It would be nice if he did and he should be encouraged to do so...but forced? Where is the lesson in that? Especially since it wasn't just a quick go, it involved someone removing from his home and taking it to theirs.
Perhaps he's finding it hard sharing his dad?...i'd probably cut him a bit of slack tbh and just be glad that they can get along reasonably ok...maybe best buddies (who lend stuff to each other) will come later.

kittywise · 22/05/2009 20:01

No I would not demand my children to share their things.

It is nice when they do, which they do often and I encourage it very much BUT if it is their toy/game which belongs to them and they don't want to share they shouldn't have to it belongs to them it is theirs at the end of the day.

WinkyWinkola · 22/05/2009 20:05

If they don't share, then what happens? Nothing? Do you say, "Ah well, let's go and find something else to do," or what?

I'm just curious.

Taking turns and learning always seems to be presented as an important lesson of growing up regardless of whose toy it is.

WinkyWinkola · 22/05/2009 20:05

Learning to share I meant to say.

MillyR · 22/05/2009 20:12

I think it depends on the age of the child and the game. 2 year olds obviously do need to be told not to snatch and so on, but older children share because otherwise they would have to play alone, and also because they care about their siblings. Obviously you can't play ludo etc on your own anyway! But if a child wants to play with some toys alone, then yes, siblings have to go and find something else to do.

I've never really thought about it to be honest; they just work it out happily for themselves most of the time!

QueenofSpleen · 22/05/2009 20:13

It sounds like you need to stand up to your partner more ... he sounds as if he is a spineless wimp, to me.

WinkyWinkola · 22/05/2009 20:14

But what if it's a game that belongs to one child and the game isn't being played with by that child but he/she still doesn't want anyone else to play with it?

Sorry to hijack post!

MillyR · 22/05/2009 20:14

Obviously it is different if it is a guest. If a child has invited a friend round, then they have to share.

juuule · 22/05/2009 20:17

Millyr, I think it's still up to the child whether they share or not even if it's a guest.

And even if they are not using it at the time if it's theirs then it's up to them who they let use/play with it.

Similar to what Kitty said further down the thread - I would be unhappy if I was made to give someone else something of mine that I valued just because I wasn't using it.

MillyR · 22/05/2009 20:18

Actually board games are treated as belonging to the whole family, now I come to think of it We can only play computer games if DS says it is okay, as he owns the console. That means me and DH too, as we sometimes want to play Guitar Hero. My DD is the owner of all the art equipment, so I would ask permission before using it.

I think they would only say no if they felt there was a risk to their belongings, or if they might not get it back when they wanted to use it themselves.

juuule · 22/05/2009 20:19

I think Mooshake's partner should have been stronger on his own son's behalf and not gone and got the game and given it to Mooshake's ds to take home. I would be very angry if I was dss.

MillyR · 22/05/2009 20:20

Juuule, if it was a special toy then yes, I agree. I meant more that they could not have a child round and then not let them play with any toys. In contrast I would let my children stop a sibling from playing with anything or going in their room if they felt they needed space.

nickschick · 22/05/2009 20:21

I havent read all the replies so apologise if im repeating advice.

Your ds and dss arent related- you cant force them to become brothers you can only help them aquire the friendship.

I think dss is being particularly peevish if you are unfamiliar with that word it means a bit selfy/unpleasant/selfish- it may be his nature it may be his age it may just be the situation.

You were right to stick up for your son but I would think these situations are best avoided - if you know your ds would like that game,perhaps buy him his own copy perhaps he could lend dss a game of his for a time?

I think this relationship needs a lot of positive praise and give and take and I would suggest a little chat about behaviour you expect.

Good luck,.

juuule · 22/05/2009 20:22

I think when they have a friend round, though, they usually can't wait to get their toys out to show. So would probably only keep back a favourite.

FrannyandZooey · 22/05/2009 20:22

god no, i don't force sharing
do you not have belongings of your own, that you don't allow your children to use / play with?
if your neighbour came round and said "can i borrow your new car" would you let him?

nickschick · 22/05/2009 20:26

I have 3 sons all brothers - the eldest 2 were mad about laura croft (tomb raider) and we were only saying last night how we ended up buying 2 copies of the same game because ds1 would take his(that was a birthday gift)to his friends house leaving ds2 at home wanting to play the same game.

As they got older theyve learned that they can get double the games if they share.

TheHedgeWitch · 22/05/2009 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 22/05/2009 20:36

I think children should be taught to share, but forcing them to hand over their stuff when they don't want to, isn't teaching them to share, it's just forcing them to hand over their stuff.

I also think it's unrealistic to pretend that the process of learning to share is the same for step-children, as it is for biological children. The former is a lot more delicate and needs a different approach IMO, becaues the family dynamics are totally different.

nickschick · 22/05/2009 20:38

HEDGEWITCH!!!!!! WB I know you dont really know me - but I missed your posts .

kittywise · 22/05/2009 20:39

It seems completel madness and insensitivity to me to try and forge a realationship between 2 unrelated boys by forcing one to share his private possessions with another.

If I had to do that I would end up being very resentful of all parties concerned and would try my damn hardest not get on.

Tortington · 23/05/2009 00:44

if i knew my neighbour - in fact my neighbours dad wad shagging my mum, and he/she asked to borrow a car...that i wasn't using because i much prefered the other cars i had...i would let him borrow it ( assuming he was insured)

i don't think anyone is suggesting that there should be a gastapo style "HAND OVER ZE GAME" scenario - of course the situation needs to be discussed and handled appropriatley.

someone said that the kid might be feeling a bit put out becuase of this relationship - i mentioned a social hierarchy thing.

no doubt this relationship between op and her dp could be distressing for both kids - of course.

i still think the kid could have shared his stuff - but theres a right way to go about it.

kittywise · 23/05/2009 08:13

Yeah but say you didn't want to lend out your car?

bubblagirl · 23/05/2009 08:32

i think to Maximilien there friendship than you should find if your ds has something dss could borrow they could share between them

it is hard to bring a family together when normal siblings can not want to share there things a amicable friendship will happen over time if not forced

each parent will naturally defend there own child but to have someone come into your home can be difficult to anyone let alone teenage boys

maybe find things they can do together and if they cant be friends then make sure it stays civil treat each of them the same understand they have things they may not want to share even your ds may decide he doesn't want to share something would you make him or respect his wishes

there cant be a divide both if entering this family need to be treated equal and wishes respected also until the unit is more established and comfortable

in mean time try and bond the boys over things other than computer games but remember they may never be the best of friends as most siblings dont get on either just keep things fair

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