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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to avoid, be jealous of and be angry with a woman in my dd's class.

112 replies

Littlepuddleduck · 20/05/2009 22:54

My dd started school and I was keen to befriend a woman whose dd was in the same class, she was new too and was having trouble with house building.

I invited her over several times including dinner and she has not once reciprocated even though her house I think is finished now.

Am I so overbearing and horrible then? I try to be friendly to everyone and I have lots of chats with many, share the school run, get invited out sometimes.

I'm beginning to think I must be awful even though by the smiley faces that greet me I don't think I can be, but I doubt myself and feel extremely down about it.

I've stopped seeking her out to say hello now and she doesn't even approach me so I avoid her now to make myself feel better but actually it doesn't.

The sad thing is, our dc are best friends but she is more interested in another group of mums with her pfb.

What do I do now? Continue avoiding her? I had high hopes of her friendship because I'm lonely. I don't understand why I feel this way as I do have other friends.

I'm embarrassed about this so please don't ask me to confront her. ( By the way I'm not harbouring lesbian fantasies,) I just mourn a friendship that never was. Is that possible?

OP posts:

KathyBrown · 20/05/2009 22:59

Move on, some people just don't click with each other sounds like this is the case here.
I used to go running with one mum, 5 weeks into it I realised she was as dull as ditch water and dumped her. She's nice enough but not nice enough to want to spend an hour with twice a week IYSWIM. Just one of those things.

saadia · 20/05/2009 23:01

I think YABU, you invited her and she accepted - perhaps she thought it would be rude to refuse. After the first time, when she didn't reciprocate why did you invite her again?

Can you try to figure out why you are so keen to befriend this woman? From the sound of things you are already friends with lots of other people.

Tommy · 20/05/2009 23:05

it sounds to me like you are trying a bit too hard if you don't mind me saying. you can't force friendships - you just have to be friendly. She may have many other issues that you don't know about.

Don't avoid her - sounds like you are still at school. Just smile, be polite and be friendly.

SlartyBartFast · 20/05/2009 23:07

i think dinner woudl be too much, but i am quite shy.
a coffee with dc's involved maybe, until you get to know one another.

Original poster

Littlepuddleduck · 20/05/2009 23:11

I invited her again because she was house building and I felt sorry for her not having a kitchen etc, so I didn't feel she could reciprocate then.

I don't know why I'm so keen to befriend her when she makes me so miserable, but it is a small prep school and I'm now facing a school life time of feeling very down.

I would like to snap out of it but it isn't possible when I'm confronting this situation every time I go to school.

Should I continue to avoid her though? I'm normally pretty sensible and cheerful but this has thrown me badly, I'm actually feeling very low about it. How embarrassing is that.

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 20/05/2009 23:13

no don't avoid her.
count your losses, as they appear to be, and make other friends.

SlartyBartFast · 20/05/2009 23:14

is she a bit snobby?

Greensneeze · 20/05/2009 23:15

just learn to dislike her

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 20/05/2009 23:16

i think you need to ask yourself why this is all so very important for you tbh. looking on from outside your upset seems a bit disproportionate...

cheesesarnie · 20/05/2009 23:18

agree with everything tommy said.you are trying far to hard.be yourself.

Original poster

Littlepuddleduck · 20/05/2009 23:21

Yes but then we are all 'nice' snobby. When I think about it, she doesn't make me laugh, she is quite rude and I don't read her very well.

But she is popular and I find myself inwardly scoring points if I'm chatting away with others but if I see her doing the same I get very jealous indeed.

Oh goodness what a saddo I am and I am shocked as anyone why I should be like this.

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 20/05/2009 23:22

you just feel rejected. i think.
you aren't rejected.
it is her loss and she is not worth it.

Greensneeze · 20/05/2009 23:24

well there you are - she doesn't "get" you because you are so witty and sparkling and she is so dull and bovine

just forget the pecking order thing - it will drive you mad and you will never never win - and spend your time with people who make you laugh

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 20/05/2009 23:27

Sounds like you have some issues you need to sort out in yourself. She doesn't owe you friendship. She's allowed to not want to be more than a polite acquaintance.
Basically this is about you not her, you need to sort out why this is bothering you so much, because you might be coming over as scarily intense and freaking her out.

MillyR · 20/05/2009 23:28

Littlepuddle, I could be the other woman. I know most of the other parents at school and could easily approach any of them or be approached by them, and have a chat.

But it is just small talk. They are not my close friends. Maybe this woman has no desire to befriend mums. She may see them more as 'work colleagues' of parenting.

mrsruffallo · 20/05/2009 23:31

It sounds like you need to fill your mind with amazing and interesting things!
Honestly, you are investing too much emotion in this.
Let it go...

6inchnipples · 20/05/2009 23:34

Maybe you are just quite different. Maybe she prefers to hang about with other types. We all have certain types we like and types that make us feel bad about ourselves or that we just don't share enough common ground with.

Example... i like friends with messy houses as it makes me want to spend more time playing with my kids and less time worrying about the house and this makes me feel good.

Maybe you are too tidy or pretty or funny or loud or quiet. Don't take it personally another friend will come along.

messageinabottle · 20/05/2009 23:39

Unfortunately you cannot make people like you or be your friend, indeed not everybody will like you or want to be your friend

this has absolutely no bearing on you as a person, some people just don't click

move on now, it just didn't click this time

messageinabottle · 20/05/2009 23:41

oh and definately let go of the anger and jealousy - totally inappropriate emotions when this happens

Original poster

Littlepuddleduck · 20/05/2009 23:41

Yes sgslp I was worried about that too which is why I now make a point of not trying to talk to her any more.

I am pretty intuitive and enjoy having a laugh with the other mums. So for me to be too intense(or have someone think I am) is something I would want to dispel.

Thank you for raising the q why I would want her friendship when she doesn't even make me laugh.

I suppose I find her a bit of an enigma and I am hurt that she doesn't like me very much even though I have made an effort when normally I would not have done. I have never had this situation before.

So yes, the issue is me, not her. Now I need to get happy again. What is this jealousy thing about?! Fked if I know. Just that it's causing me grief when I should be happy!

OP posts:

Tinker · 20/05/2009 23:44

Sometimes people seem to be enigmas when really it's just that there's nothing there?

messageinabottle · 20/05/2009 23:46

You may find her an enigma because you don't know her? Your children will probably be going to school for a good few years (?) so there is probably time to get to know her in the future, if that is what she (you?) want

friendship takes time to build, and sometimes takes longer for some people than others

give it time, don't ignore her in the meantime - she hasn't done anything wrong

Greensneeze · 20/05/2009 23:46

I don't think YANBU or that you must be overly intense or a desperate saddo. Not being liked is horrible, if that is what is happening - but it probably isn't - maybe she's got a domineering family and can't fit in any more relationships, or maybe she's got depression and her house is a fucking tip and she only manages to look perfect for the school run. You simply can't assume.

What you need to do is reassure yourself that you are likeable - so be with people you click with, who make you giggle and with whom you do have a natural chemistry. Like us

MrsEricBana · 20/05/2009 23:49

Trying to see this from her point of view, there is a lovely mum with twins in ds's class (one is ds's best friend)with whom I am friendly - I have been to her house lots of times inc to lunch (just her family and my family), an evening bbq with several couples, coffee lots of times etc, and I have hardly ever had her here for a variety of reasons that are legitimate in my mind (she lives very near the school so coffee wise it is easier for me to pop in there than other way round; in terms of inviting her for supper, I haven't as am bit embarassed I suppose as my home set up doesn't "work" very well in terms of dinner party - space is a bit odd; the other couple you would naturally invite her and her dh with are a bit tricky etc). What I'm trying to say is that I really like her but have not done my bit on the reciprocating front for my own reasons. I have another friend who does this too as she is embarassed (unnecessarily) about her house. Having said all that, if she actually doesn't want to be friends I'd just leave it - we can't be friends with everyone I guess. Definitely lavish your friendship on those that really want to be friends with you.

messageinabottle · 20/05/2009 23:49

that's a point gs
you are never lonely
you have mumsnet

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