to avoid, be jealous of and be angry with a woman in my dd's class.

[Littlepuddleduck]

My dd started school and I was keen to befriend a woman whose dd was in the same class, she was new too and was having trouble with house building.

I invited her over several times including dinner and she has not once reciprocated even though her house I think is finished now.

Am I so overbearing and horrible then? I try to be friendly to everyone and I have lots of chats with many, share the school run, get invited out sometimes.

I'm beginning to think I must be awful even though by the smiley faces that greet me I don't think I can be, but I doubt myself and feel extremely down about it.

I've stopped seeking her out to say hello now and she doesn't even approach me so I avoid her now to make myself feel better but actually it doesn't.

The sad thing is, our dc are best friends but she is more interested in another group of mums with her pfb.

What do I do now? Continue avoiding her? I had high hopes of her friendship because I'm lonely. I don't understand why I feel this way as I do have other friends.

I'm embarrassed about this so please don't ask me to confront her. ( By the way I'm not harbouring lesbian fantasies,) I just mourn a friendship that never was. Is that possible?

Perhaps she doesn't want any more friends.

Nobody warned me before I had ds that there would be so much pressure to make friends. I am always turning down invites from people, it is very lovely of people to be so welcoming but I am a hermit I just want to take ds to school and leave. My diary is jam packed with things and I no longer have time to chill out and daydream. Perhaps the woman in question is anti-social like me.

Puddleduck, from reading your posts I think you need to find something else in your life that makes you feel good whether that be WI/College course/Volunteering.
You sound like you lack self-esteem and that is why you are so hung up on this other Mother.
You can't rely on your DC to provide you with friends, go and do something that makes you happy and fulfilled and you will be far happier.
Am very though, cleaner, ex-model, big house, cleaner
Though maybe not of chargrilled/boil in the bag dinner

I F I am worried that I put people off too, I do sound daunting but there's not a lot I can do about that (dh insists on a cleaner as he's v. tidy and I'm not), house is gorgeous but we bought when house prices weren't so extortionate and I used money I'd saved from modelling as he's not a high earner,boil in bags came from Aldi, an amazing place to shop!

Ok, I do have self esteem issues, I've never been confident about the way I look. Mother distant, bipolar but loving in her own way, no other siblings.

I do study and work p/t, volunteer but not WI, isn't that for 5o yrs plus?

Too busy talking to others this morning so didn't speak to her.

Well then, try and forget about her, you sound like you have a lot going on anyway, and know a lot of other Moms at school.
You are obviously hurt, but try and forget it.
Perhaps she feels inferior and is avoiding you because of that?

Oh, and read your food labels properly!

I can understand where you are coming from, one of the most hurtful things ever said to me was that my so called 'best friend' just didn't want to be around me as I made her feel bad. I can understand how she could feel this way, I'm 'girl next door' pretty, have a good degree from a good university and DH has a good job so our house is nice but I'm racked (spelling?) with self doubt, a remnant of pretty horrid bullying at school, I've only really realised I'm quite pretty in the past 3 or 4 years and I'm 39 and I'm terribly self conscious about my 'posh' accent. Can't cook to save my life and am a bit self conscious about cooking for people.

Also it's worth remembering everyone has their own issues, she may be scared of the intimacy a close friendship brings, I had a friend (admittedly at uni so we were about 19) who was terrified of people knowing things about her, reading her etc, now 20 years later she's still one of my best friends and I'm so pleased I persevered and backed off simultaneously while ignoring her when she was 'off'.

Hope everything works out!

Do people really choose friends by how big their house is or how tidy they are? What kind of person can't be friends with someone because their house is bigger/ tidier and they are consumed with envy?
You sound a shallow lot tbh

I have "tried people out" before when we first moved here. Lots of times. Some people I am now friends with, some are passing acquaintances and some I don't really talk to at all.

Honest to goodness? The shoe thing would put me off if a "new" friend did that. I would be polite throughout dinner but would have decided that they are not someone I am likely to get on with in the long term. I couldn't give a toss about my floors and I would feel uncomfortable in the home of someone who does, also would then be wondering if they thought my house was feral because the floor isn't spotless.

You don't have to like everyone and you don't have to be liked by everyone, just let it slide and find some like minded people.

LPD - was it like this for you at school? I ask because when my DS started nursery and school I felt like it was me who was catapulted back to the play ground and not him. It brought back lots of memories of hanging on the outer circle of the 'cool' kids, trying to get noticed, always being on the back foot and hating it.

I had a similar situation where I would have liked to be friends with a mum at nursery but she wasn't that interested. I stepped back because I'm a grown up now and I've learnt (through a great deal of hurt) which kind of people are good for me. It's like falling in love really - the spark has to come from both of you.

It's like JudyBlume said - some people's lives are already full to bursting and it's no reflection on you. The best friendships take time - I'm sure there are lots of mums in your DDs class who would like to be friends with you. Just stop obsessing about this one mum and keep yourself open to the others.

I value all your posts, thank you.

About the 'nice' snobby, it's not about looking down noses at people but more that people can be judgmental about you if you do have a 'posh voice' which I do have to some degree.

The values I want my dc to do well at school, I don't ever swear at them, never buy them the latest trainers, and I insist on good manners, (don't know if you call that snobby or not, some would say it is.)

As for the shoe taking off thing, well that's my dh's bkgd rather than mine, he has a bugbear about it so I just go along with it. But if I have only my friends over I never insist.

It's interesting this thing about memories from school. I never came across a bitchy female ever at school but at Uni I was had a difficult time. I overheard my room mate saying to another in the loo at a disco that she hated me because the boys only ever asked me to dance and not them.

I vowed never to try to look nice after that and any time a boy approached me I'd walk away. It got to a point where I had so much unwanted interest I would spend most of the night in the loos.

I overcompensated by buying my housemates chocs and ingratiating myself to them until I was able to escape and get another house.

I haven't come across this desire to be liked since then tbh but for some reason this aloof mother has touched upon a long hidden nerve.

I would like to get calls from some other mums because they're good fun, we exchange emails, have met up but haven't actually been asked for my tel no. so don't want to come across as needy. (Feel a bit burnt from other woman tbh)

Mrsruffalo no, I don't, not at all.

I do know how bitchy and jealous women can be.
At school my friend's younger sister was picked on purely becuase she was stunning.

My Best friend at Uni was (and is) gorgeous, very intelligent and modelled and she was always subjected to dirty looks/pushing on the dancefloor etc by jealous girls.

Have to say, I have never encountered it but maybe she is intimidated by your beauty and what she believes is your "perfect life"?

It is true that in some cases people are put off being friends with others if the other person somehow makes them feel inferior. When I was at school there a girl there who was beautiful, intelligent, sporty and lovely with it. She didn't really have any friends because no one felt that they could measure up to her - it might be seen to be shallow, but it can be quite daunting for people with their own self-esteem issues to have a friend who is always going to beat them on every point.

So LPD - this other woman might have her own self-esteem issues and maybe you have touched a raw nerve in her as well. Perhaps she will come round but if she doesn't, fret not, she is only one person.

on the WI - I thought there was a drive to rejuvenate the WI with a new look for the younger members - more sort of "poledancing for beginners" talks, rather than "flower arranging in the chapel" talks?

I've taken everything on board what people have said and I am actually looking at my own situation and feel a bit differently as a result.

The truth is, we can only feel fortunate if in a position to appreciate what we have.

I do have lovely friends but can still feel lonely, so that means I've taken what I have for granted. That is just selfishness on my behalf.

I can't help the way I look and it doesn't give me any pleasure so I try to be kind and helpful to others because that does give me pleasure (normally!).

I've given up the ignoring thing because being horrible has made me feel horrible (oh goodness I sound 9 years old)

I've decided invitations to others give me pleasure and I don't need them to reciprocate because at the end of the day, I want to spend time with them.

I asked someone else I like to come over and they were just so delighted to be asked I realise now I have to stop taking things so seriously and stop being unkind to myself.

BTW the woman who gave me grief has asked for dd to come over for a playdate.

I don't have any advice - justa big hug to you and hope you feel less lonely soon. I am a similar soul to you and can find myself feeling lonely in a room full of people - think it is more an internal thing of self confidence that needs to be worked on. Value yourself - treat yourself to a facial and a new pair of shoes - you are worth it!

Thankyou, do you know I've never had a facial in my life.

But I've got wrinkles now and actually went out and got that Boots serum! I baulked at the price as normally I'd only use a cheap cream from Lidl!

LittlePuddleDuck, you sound lovely and very kind to invite this woman over to your home. Your recognised that she might have been in a bit of schtuck with no kitchen etc.

But it would seem you have to accept that this potential friend just isn't interested although it would have been the polite, well brought up thing to reciprocate an invitation even if she had no intention of being your friend. She came over to yours few times, didn't she?

I really wouldn't look to other mums at school to be your friends. Be friendly, be polite, always be cheerful and sunny when you're there but it all sounds far too risky to seek friendships at the school gate IMO. Cliquey, could affect your child's friendships and just not worth it.

And the shoes off in the house thing - erm, that's normal. Why would you want people treading the outside into your home?

Erm... why do people do things expecting to be reciprocated. If invite someone around it is because I would like them around not because at some point I wold like to have an invitation back. If they don't reciprocate, I don't mind, I asume that by accepting my invitation they are letting me know they like me.

I have a group of friends I made when DS was attending a private school. I have been to some of their houses more time that I can remember and most of them have not been around mine. Why? because I'm the one leaving further a way, so it is easier to meet in a place that is near to the majority, because when I organise something it tends to be an outing, because I think dear friend who seems to suffer from OCD will hyperventilate and probably die at seeing the state of my house, or because I feel a bit self conscious at inviting Lady X who lives in a "Hall" and has a sand pit the size of my house.

Yet, I like them a lot, I know they are there for me and me for them even if we are not exactly good at reciprocating each other invitations.

BTW... I only read the first few posts so apologies if the thread has moved into another direction and I'm talking rubish.

The way you look should give you pleasure LPD - if you want others to like you you've got to like yourself first (now I sound like a nine year old).

From what I can tell it's her loss if she doesn't want to be friends with you.

There seems to be a Prep School/lifestyle disparity in you that maybe you are not entirely comfortable with. If this does not strike a chord with you just ignore me .

"Erm... why do people do things expecting to be reciprocated."

I thought it was just common courtesy? If someone makes an effort, isn't it usual to make an effort back?

But of course there are different circumstances e.g. I always go to a friend's house on playdates and she never comes to mine because she hates driving.

Perhaps I'm mistaken about the reciprocation thing in general.

I suppose OF that if there is no reciprocation then you aren't letting them know that you like them enough to make the effort, even for a coffee (if that makes sense?)

It is ok not to reciprocate if there are no self esteem issues and by the sound of it, your friends love you the way you are regardless.

But I have felt embarrassed, humiliated and upset by this woman in my case because I have struggled with her not wanting me back to hers.(Even though I shouldn't feel this way).

That's because I don't feel good about myself and that has been reinforced by her lack of similar goodwill towards me.

I know it's childish and wrong.

She sounds plain rude to me and I think a lot of people would find rude hurtful actually regardless of their self esteem. If she doesn't want to be friends, there's no need not to say hullo to you. Silly mare.

If I invite someone round, I don't find it a hassle, but I am aware that they might find it a hassle to have someone at their house.

I have other people's children in my house almost constantly when the weather is bad and they can't play out. DS has an attic bedroom, and so I don't really notice the noise or number of children. I know that some of the parents would find it a nightmare to have a lot of kids around so the boys don't go back there. It does not bother me at all. I like to have house full of kids and dogs and don't mind the mess.

On the other hand, someone else might like giving dinner parties, but I would hate to do one. I also wouldn't want 'show home' type people visiting my house because I would think they were judging me and would be worried they would be uncomfortable as they might be a bit OCDish. I remember a friend of mine saying she babysat in a cream carpet/cream sofa type house and she sat on her coat all night on a dining chair because she was worried about leaving a mark on the 'show home' sitting room furniture.

So no, I don't think is is necessary to reciprocate. I think you offer for the pleasure of giving. It also makes it easier for women to advance in their careers or stay sane if they are at home with a young baby if those that can help with childcare do so. Gone a bit off topic now, sorry!

"I thought it was just common courtesy? If someone makes an effort, isn't it usual to make an effort back? "

Yes but it doesn't have to be "an eye for an eye". ie. one of the women in the group have invited me to her house many times and only been to mine once, however, I have spent a good deal of time helping her with her university work, even including the sole occasion she came to my house for a coffee, a Sunday morning at 7:00 so I could review her final draft before taking the train to London.

I understand is the same with other people at the group, we have different ways to show that we care about each other.

Glad you are feeling better OP. There is a mum lives near me with a DS about the same age as mine who is very friendly - I like her too but she seems a little bit needy and we are honestly v busy most of the time so don't see that much of her.
(it's not you because both she and I have DSs, hers is in reception and mine is still at nursery).