Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to avoid, be jealous of and be angry with a woman in my dd's class.

112 replies

Littlepuddleduck · 20/05/2009 22:54

My dd started school and I was keen to befriend a woman whose dd was in the same class, she was new too and was having trouble with house building.

I invited her over several times including dinner and she has not once reciprocated even though her house I think is finished now.

Am I so overbearing and horrible then? I try to be friendly to everyone and I have lots of chats with many, share the school run, get invited out sometimes.

I'm beginning to think I must be awful even though by the smiley faces that greet me I don't think I can be, but I doubt myself and feel extremely down about it.

I've stopped seeking her out to say hello now and she doesn't even approach me so I avoid her now to make myself feel better but actually it doesn't.

The sad thing is, our dc are best friends but she is more interested in another group of mums with her pfb.

What do I do now? Continue avoiding her? I had high hopes of her friendship because I'm lonely. I don't understand why I feel this way as I do have other friends.

I'm embarrassed about this so please don't ask me to confront her. ( By the way I'm not harbouring lesbian fantasies,) I just mourn a friendship that never was. Is that possible?

OP posts:
OrangeFish · 22/05/2009 14:07

I missed this:

"That's because I don't feel good about myself and that has been reinforced by her lack of similar goodwill towards me."

Please, please, please, don't blame the woman for "reinforcing" your lack of self esteem. If you look at yourself as a victim you are disempowered. Take responsibility for your own shortcomings, that will give you the power to come out of them. It is not the actions or external factors that cause the damage, the damage is caused by the way YOU choose to perceive them (And before you flame me, I have learned that through self experience)

thedolly · 22/05/2009 14:43

won't flame you for the analysis but maybe for the lack of advice to OP on how to deal with/improve her self esteem - your post could be percieved as being too judgy without it

blossomsmine · 22/05/2009 15:36

Puddleduck, i have just quickly skimmed over the last posts, mainly yours, to catch up. I found your most recent posts really lovely, very informative about yourself, you really sound lovely

I may have been a little harsh

Chill out, you know, i think if you come across as you write your posts people would be lucky to class you as a friend

As for the posh voice thing, that has never put me off (why should it really!!), although i don't have a posh sounding voice (Essex girl here!) Although if i am completely honest....sometimes when people have wonderful houses, some people i know have pools aswell, i do feel alittle as ours is a tiny terraced and due to lack of money is never 'just right'....I know i shouldn't feel like that but i do sometimes with new friends.

Out of interest, how would you feel if someone in a house like mine tried to befriend you??!!

madgebettany · 22/05/2009 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Littlepuddleduck · 22/05/2009 19:00

I am truly devastated despite my pathetic attempts to be grown up about this. Today I heard her arranging for 2 others to go to her house for dinner.

Now I know I'm miserable, hopeless, boring and overly needy and a klingon I feel like s...t and I shouted at my dd on the way home because I was so upset.

OP posts:
bluejeans · 22/05/2009 19:03

Madge, LOL at the shoes at door - totally agree!

There's some great advice on this post - always felt a bit of a failure not having proper 'mummy' friends - although I do have close friends from school/uni/work etc - I can now see that everyone has different needs in terms of friendships and maybe those who form close friendships at the school gate etc are the ones who like to have all their friends in the 'here and now' rather than different friends from differnt times/places - will stop beating mytself up about it

OP - not really got any advice but maybe you're similar to me as you mention your 4 friends who call you regularly - so cut yourself some slack! Good luck

MillyR · 22/05/2009 19:03

LPD

I think it is a shame that you have gotten yourself so worked up over this woman, but at least you are able to be honest with yourself about your own emotions and feelings.

I admire you for that because I'm not very good at it.

WinkyWinkola · 22/05/2009 19:05

No, no, no, no, Puddleduck. This is getting silly. Do you have no other pals you can hang out with? Really? Is there no other mother at the school that you chat to now that you like?

You really mustn't let this woman get to you and upset you so much. I'm sure she's not looking to get to you either.

You really must stop worrying about what she is doing and focus on what you are doing. Right now you're obsessing about her which is not improving your own social situation.

P.S. taking shoes off in someone's else's house doesn't mean that you're too grubby for my beautiful home at all. It means that the soles of your shoes are. If that's offensive, then you'd better not visit Japan or S.E. Asia - you'll spend your whole time offended!

MillyR · 22/05/2009 19:08

But we aren't in Japan. So there's no more need to take shoes off.

AIBU to expect my guests to eat the larvae of a giant beetle and expect them not to be offended?

Same principle.

WinkyWinkola · 22/05/2009 19:11

Eh? It's not the same principle at all. Beetle larvae?

The soles of your shoes are not clean. My house is clean.

ClubPenguin · 22/05/2009 19:16

Let's not get into another shoes/no shoes argument here. somewhere else maybe.

I think LPD yes it does hurt - something similar happened to me in that a woman in the village seemed very keen NOT to get any friendlier with our family despite her husband having no problem with it and their and our DSs getting on like a house on fire.

DS will be at the same school as hers next year and will no doubt want to play with him round the village so I suppose it will all reappear again, but this time I shan't bother issuing any invitations between parents. children fine - but I won't try any overtures of friendship again.

Rosefairy · 22/05/2009 19:31

I totally agree. When I enter someones home I always remove my shoes, just like when family and friends visit my home they take their shoes off, without me even asking. Its just common practice and polite! if its friends straight from school they always enter the front door like a herd of elephants and kick off their shoes into the pile already there.
When family come they even bring their slippers to change into, I dont live in Japan or Asia nor do I live in a show home. I didnt realise we were so odd.

Original poster
Littlepuddleduck · 22/05/2009 19:55

I am smarting from the humiliation and hurt.

I'd love to stop being so pathetic because I do have other lovely friends.

I know it's my own self esteem issues but it's got to the point when I know I have to do something about it.

Thinking about what is good in my life doesn't seem to help. I can't chuck away my home and my dh and I nearly divorced because he couldn't stand the mess that young children naturally create (and me).

He said he wanted to come home to a place of peace and calm but he got chaos and mess instead. That's why we have a cleaner.

I don't want my home to put people off, and it is sad if people wouldn't want to be my friend or invite me to theirs just because they had a small or messy house.

I feel so utterly tearful. I don't know what to do. I feel complete avoidance and no eye contact is the only way.

But how utterly pathetic when there are far worse things going on in the world. I feel guilty for feeling this way.

OP posts:
MillyR · 22/05/2009 19:57

LPD, have you felt this way about someone before?

Original poster
Littlepuddleduck · 22/05/2009 20:00

Never

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 22/05/2009 20:01

Aw, LittlePuddleDuck, I'm sorry you feel so bad about this.

MillyR · 22/05/2009 20:03

I wish I had some advice! I do feel sorry for you because it is awful to feel rejected, but I do think it is probably for some reason that has nothing to do with you. I don't think there is any reason for you to feel bad about yourself just because of 1 woman.

QueenofSpleen · 22/05/2009 20:07

I agree with slarty

Original poster
Littlepuddleduck · 22/05/2009 20:16

Thank you so much for listening and giving me different angles on this, ultimately I know it is ME and I have to work out how to impove my self esteem despite this very weak point.

I'm going away for half term so won't be able to use a computer. But I would like to say you've all helped me enormously.

Lots of cuddles xx

OP posts:
MannyWaters · 22/05/2009 20:17

Really feel for you LPD. Been there myself and got the T-shirt!

Rejection is painful but time does ease the pain. You just need a strategy to come up with dealing with this mum until you get on an even keel.

The thing I've found helpful is to not have expectations of others, which is easier said than done, of course.

If I give friendship or care to someone and don't have expectations for anything in return then I won't be disappointed. There's nowt so queer as folk, as they say, and the things people do and say are so often disappointing and hurtful.

Better to give and stand back and see what (if anything) they want to give in return. You have no "rights" for anyone to reciprocate. If you're free from that, you'll be free from being hurt or offended. I know, I know, t'aint easy.

I've had to own my insecurities and not make others responsible for making me feel okay about myself. I have to work on that by myself and take on board the opinions of those who know me well and are close to me.

I try not to give acquaintances who aren't yet good friends the power to make me feel good or bad about myself.

Try not to let this mum affect your self-worth like this. Nip any negative thoughts and emotions in the bud but countering them with positives you receive from your close friends.

Learn from the experience and move on. Keep your dignity as the lovely person you are. Know that the raw feelings you have at the moment will ease.

madgebettany · 22/05/2009 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forehead · 22/05/2009 20:52

Puddleduck, i do sympathise with you. I personally couldn't give a hoot about making friends with mothers at the school gate as i believe in that old adage 'familiarity breeds contempt'. I am polite and cheerful and i am happy with myself and feel no need to seek friendships with people who are not interested. Try to relax and enjoy what you
have.
I would NEVER ask anyone to take off their shoes despite the fact that i have cream sofas and carpets. I think it is rude. I automatically take off my shoes when i go to peoples homes because that was the way i was brought up but i wouldn't expect others to do so in my home

DontLookDown · 22/05/2009 20:53

Little puddleduck, you are not pathetic, just a human being who feels rejected and hurt because her positive feelings don't seem to be reciprocated. I've heard from friends with older children that you see your children go through this and it never really goes away IMO, we just become better at dealing with it. We all want to be liked by people who appeal to us, and it's also natural, if people don't like us back, to wonder why and to want their esteem even more or else go to the other extreme and want to reject them completely! Our distant ancestors would have needed to fit in with the social group for survival and of course our own personal histories have all kinds of stuff in there about belonging and conditional love and being good enough/not good enough.

But - and this is the important bit - you don't KNOW this woman doesn't like you. For example, I can think of some non-hurtful reasons why she might have invited these women and not you. And if she doesn't like you, as everyone's pointed out, it may be her stuff not yours. The reasons may even be complimentary towards you. Either way it's the same - you DON'T KNOW and you'll probably never know so try to distract yourself from these thoughts which have now become a real entrenched habit getting stronger every time they come up.

This woman isn't the right friend for you since you need people with whom you feel secure and for whatever reason you don't feel secure with her. So, when you think about her, try to replace that thought with a thought about someone who does make you feel good - remember a funny conversation, or a memory, or compliment, or plan a nice treat. In time she will come to seem less important. You will also come to feel less lonely as you pour your energy into nurturing the positive relationships you've already got in your life. Be patient with yourself, and remember everyone is vulnerable under the skin.

And thank you for your honesty - I confess I get intimidated by pretty, elegant women with nice houses and money (I'm overweight, scruffy and overwhelmed these days) - it just goes to show that the old adage about never comparing anyone's outsides to our insides is true!

saintlydamemrsturnip · 22/05/2009 21:23

"I can't chuck away my home and my dh and I nearly divorced because he couldn't stand the mess that young children naturally create (and me).

He said he wanted to come home to a place of peace and calm but he got chaos and mess instead."

Is your dh a bit controlling? That will affect your self esteem.

basl · 22/05/2009 22:33

Hi lttlepuddelduck. I hope i can give you the insight of the other women. My little girl has started nursery in july 08 and since then there is a girl who i struck up a conversation with on the first few days. She has since asked to meet up on several occassions and go out on day trips with the girls and go on nights out. Now this girl is so lovely and i really like her HOWEVER i am very funny about mixing with other mums. I like my own space and i am very close to my own best friend (no Kids) and my family. I chat to everyone at the nursery and look i assume very outgoing but when i am inivite to anything i clam up. pLEASE do not take this personaly it is not YOUR fault. I would continue to chat and be yourself and NOT avoid this person as SHE may feel she has been FOUND out. Looks are so deseptive and althoug she is chatting away to all the other mums she may not be invited to there house and just enjoying the chat. I may add on my own terms i have recently invited the woman in question's little girl over to play and it went well. Try not to presume what someone is like. You sound like a lovley person and i am sure this will show. Take care.