to avoid, be jealous of and be angry with a woman in my dd's class.

[Littlepuddleduck]

My dd started school and I was keen to befriend a woman whose dd was in the same class, she was new too and was having trouble with house building.

I invited her over several times including dinner and she has not once reciprocated even though her house I think is finished now.

Am I so overbearing and horrible then? I try to be friendly to everyone and I have lots of chats with many, share the school run, get invited out sometimes.

I'm beginning to think I must be awful even though by the smiley faces that greet me I don't think I can be, but I doubt myself and feel extremely down about it.

I've stopped seeking her out to say hello now and she doesn't even approach me so I avoid her now to make myself feel better but actually it doesn't.

The sad thing is, our dc are best friends but she is more interested in another group of mums with her pfb.

What do I do now? Continue avoiding her? I had high hopes of her friendship because I'm lonely. I don't understand why I feel this way as I do have other friends.

I'm embarrassed about this so please don't ask me to confront her. ( By the way I'm not harbouring lesbian fantasies,) I just mourn a friendship that never was. Is that possible?

LPD - sorry to hear that you have had a setback - I am now wondering on your behalf if this woman reminds you of someone from your childhood, a friend or someone who you wanted to be friends with, because it seems that this woman is causing you to regress inside to being a hurt child again. If you can find an association with a similar childhood experience, then you might be able to dissociate this woman from it - she isn't going to be the same person, even if the situation feels similar.

I have been in your shoes, pre-DC, many times and it is hard. In the end, you have to believe in yourself and your own worth - find your inner self esteem, think to yourself "well, I tried to make her welcome, I did my best, she is missing out now and that is her problem, not mine" and believe it.

In the end, you have other friends. They like you. You are therefore a likeable person. You can't be a full-time klingon or people would be trying to edge away from you all the time. This woman is probably a lost cause as far as you are concerned - you might make her feel uncomfortable, she might be envious of you, she might be embarrassed about her own place in comparison with yours, or she might just not have "clicked" with you - but IT DOESN'T MATTER.

Get comfortable in your own skin and this will all just go away for you. Been there and done that too.

oh and the shoes thing - if it seems to be policy to remove shoes at the door, I always do so too - common courtesy in my book. It's a given in lots of other countries as well, and tbh, a home is just like a very tiny country, where it is polite to observe the customs that pertain to that (very tiny) country.

lpd... your husband can't stand the mess of kids? he wants a place of calm? hhmmmmmmmmm.

i really would find it hard to be friends with someoen who made me take my shoes off before entering their home. i know that loads of people don't have an issue with it but i really find it intolerably rude. i know this didn't come from you, but from dh, but if me and dh had been somewhere and had a fairly tense evening with the kind of guy who didn't like the noise and clutter of his own kids... i think i might find myself avoiding his wife in the playground.

you're just goiing to have to take a step back i think.

LPD - whenever you get back to this thread, if you are still feeling down about it all, have a look at this and see if it doesn't make you smile

It is 3.30am, have snuck downstairs to see my posts before leaving for the week and I am amazed and so happy about the fabulous ideas, thoughts etc .

My dh does not boost my self esteem, he did not like the new jeans I bought (they don't suit you) and has withheld affection from me for many years.

He knows I would love to be kissed once in a while but he hasn't kissed me for 5 years.

We haven't had sex for about the same time.

If I say everybody thinks he's a nice man I know people will shoot me down in flames for staying with him, but the truth is, he didn't once pat me on the stomach and say nice things when I was pregnant (like they do in the movies!)

So I could say he is the problem, but I am not perfect myself.

I yearn for affection so kiss my pillow instead at night. I could never have an affair, as far as men are concerned I am shy around my friend's husbands and they around me. I put my dd first.

They love their daddy and I love him, we do hold hands still, peck on the cheek, but he'd rather wank into a tissue at night than make love to me.

That's not good for my self esteem. But I don't think our marriage is a lost cause, we are working on things and actually I don't cry myself to sleep anymore.

Our dds are older so it's easier. It's no longer 'what the fk is this mess' every time he came home from work and I'd be bfeeding.

I am going to put this thread on 'watch' until I get back.

You all don't realise how much you've helped me. I have never talked about any of this before, not even with my closest friends because it's so embarrassing isn't it.(But I think they have a very good idea).

I'm supposed to be this perfect wife and mother and it's all a fking joke isn't it, when I do try my best and then it all gets thrown back in my face.

I am so tearful again but I think it's good because I know this is catharsis. I need to get myself back on track.

So there is a possibility the tension between us could be noticeable if anyone came round.

But we do have good days, this hol is a treat from him and he still makes me a cup of tea and likes my dinners and makes me laugh.

He is a brilliant dad. He is often stressed at work and used to cry with the stress of it all. We used to give each other massages, we need to do that again.

Hear the birds singing, need to go back to bed.

God I hate your husband! How fucking difficult would it be to give you a kiss and a hug?!! It's so so cruel. And saying criticisms and put downs yet never countering it with complimenmts; what a mean twat. I'm sorry but he's harbouring insecurities so he wants to make you feel bad too. Very selfish and cruel. Why can't he talk about it and sort it out? It's so easy to give someone a kiss and a hug; the only reason to not do it is downright cruelty. Bastard. Withhold it from him. Go out, have fun- let him see you enjoy yourself without needing him. Might make him think. I'm sorry but I get some of this sometimes from DH and it makes my blood boil. Just downright mean. I feel for you so much. No wonder rejection outside the home cuts you to shreds; it's so raw and near the surface cos you're facing it everyday at home and trying not to be upset about it; of course the upset is going to spill out sometimes. Get real women friends you can talk to honestly- they'll give you perspective on it; you don't need to put on a brave face- he's treating you appalllingly and other women will understand only too well if you're honest with them. Get comfort from female friends please. And understand this woman you're chasing is making you feel so desperate cos it reflects what you're going through at home and have done for 5 years by the sound of it.

of course i'm sure that he's a good man, and a good laugh sometimes, and a good dad. just be sure to have a think whether these things are always in his dispensation. it's possible that they aren't, so in that case don't panic. but if he's the one who kinda controls the mood in the house, watch out, that's not a good sign.

i'm glad that you're feeling a bit more like the problem isn't this woman. tbh if i'm in the market for making new friends (which i generally am not just cos, well, i've got enough iykwim?) i wouldn't be drawn to an unhappy person. i think pre-children i might have had more energy for listening and therapising etc etc but now i just want an easy life. talking of which... perfect mother? no way. you just have to be 'good enough'. i aspire to that.

good off-loading there, LPD - so in reality, this woman withholding her friendship from you has just raked up all the feelings you have from your husband withholding his affection from you, a MUCH huger issue, is that right?

You really do need to sort this one out with your DH - chances are he isn't over happy with the situation himself and he might not be as scrupulous as you are when it comes to affairs, so see if you can knock it on the head.

good luck!

where did you all get so wise?!

Hope things are easing for you, lpd, there's been some great advice, esp Manny - i@m cutting & pasting bits of it myself to print out and carry round with me as like you I analyse and suffer from self-doubt when I experience a put-down (or what may seem as being so).
Good luck.

Just wanted to say that htis is MN at its best, supporting each other with pearls of wisdom, if only RL could be so supportive!

i've been thinking more about the perfect mother thing... what i'd ask is, do you want the perfect child? i don't. i'd hate to think that my child felt under pressure to be perfect. i want them to be happy and whole people, that's all. i'm sure that's what your child would want from you as well. trying to be happy is the best example, imho, that you can give a young person, especially in these stressful times.

hi pd have just read through this thread and was quite shocked when I got to the bit about your DH as it almost described my exh to a t.

I do think that maybe the rejection by the woman might tie in with rejection by your h.

I will carry on looking after you come back from your hol

Maybe her house is just really messy ( like mine) and she's aware that it's her turn.
If you actively avoid contact with her now, you will appear weird having been so friendly before. Say a breezy "hello" as you pass and chat to others. She will feel more comfortable in your presence when you calm down about things.

Again I have read the first page and posted without knowing all of the facts You have good reason to feel rejection keenly but you must keep in mind that this is not her problem but yours ( actually ... not yours but your DH's but you know what I meant... don't you?)
With that in mind... I refer to my earlier post but with empathy and I hope you have a really good break. X