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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to avoid, be jealous of and be angry with a woman in my dd's class.

112 replies

Littlepuddleduck · 20/05/2009 22:54

My dd started school and I was keen to befriend a woman whose dd was in the same class, she was new too and was having trouble with house building.

I invited her over several times including dinner and she has not once reciprocated even though her house I think is finished now.

Am I so overbearing and horrible then? I try to be friendly to everyone and I have lots of chats with many, share the school run, get invited out sometimes.

I'm beginning to think I must be awful even though by the smiley faces that greet me I don't think I can be, but I doubt myself and feel extremely down about it.

I've stopped seeking her out to say hello now and she doesn't even approach me so I avoid her now to make myself feel better but actually it doesn't.

The sad thing is, our dc are best friends but she is more interested in another group of mums with her pfb.

What do I do now? Continue avoiding her? I had high hopes of her friendship because I'm lonely. I don't understand why I feel this way as I do have other friends.

I'm embarrassed about this so please don't ask me to confront her. ( By the way I'm not harbouring lesbian fantasies,) I just mourn a friendship that never was. Is that possible?

OP posts:
MrsEricBana · 20/05/2009 23:52

I also remember once a school mum confronted me as to why she had had me for coffee X times (she even listed the dates!!) and I had only had her round a couple of times. The truth was that I was struggling with the dcs and while I was happy (selfishly) to go for a change of scene to hers, I couldn't bear to have hordes of children rampaging round my own house when I was barely holding it together as it was. Maybe she's like that.

Original poster
Littlepuddleduck · 20/05/2009 23:59

Goodness you are right.

I'm finding it hard in rl but I have come on MN it is fab, mners give brilliant advice, get you to see other points of view, many of you are hilarious and I'm sure I'd like you lots in rl too.

But is this sad too? May be I shouldn't bother with befriending new people and just stick to Mning. Far less hurtful.

Even though I said I am chatty etc I don't get phoned very often (only by my 4 closest friends).

I'd like more people from school to call me, what's the etiquette for that to happen?!

Or may be I shouldn't bother.

OP posts:
Tinker · 21/05/2009 00:02

God, I never phone anyone. I wouldn't judge your popularity on that.

MillyR · 21/05/2009 00:06

This thread is making me paranoid! If our phone rings it is probably my mother or someone in a call centre in India.

MrsEricBana · 21/05/2009 00:08

True Milly! Also, have noticed that people are v friendly when 1st child is in Reception but less so when there with younger children as already friended up and can only keep up with so many people.

josben · 21/05/2009 00:10

littlepuddle i knnow exactly how you feel - i have just been through something similar with a 'friend' whom i have known ages - she accepts all invites to mine for coffee or with her Ds's for tea and play, but rarely do we get invited back, then the last straw for me was when her DS did not invite my DS to his party after i had had him at DS's party and my 'friend' had wangled an extra invite for her other son from me for DS's party (a small one at that) - I was fumming!

But - i know that it is sooooo silly to get so angry and upset about something that is really trivial and is basically a wastew of my energy and time. But I have reverted to childish behaviour and have avoided her in the playground because i feel like such a mug...

BigBellasBeerBelly · 21/05/2009 00:11

Puddleduck.

I am not at school gates age yet (or rather DD isn't).

Think of it like at work. I once had to explain at length to a german person why saying to everyone "fancy a drink" after work was fine but "fancy lunch" to a specific person was not fine unless you had known them for about 10 years.

Friendships can't be forced and people who seem popular are often fraught with otehr anxietys. Apparently "normal" people have 4/5 close friends and that's it. So stop worrying.

My tip is... Chin up. Smile. Say hello be friendly, including to this woman. Deliberataly not talking to her will be kind of obvious and others will notice. Take it on the chin and be friendly, and sooner or later the people who are most like you will grow to like you, and you can take it from there.

Please stop obsessing over this woman, she is only one out of trillions you will meet in your life. If you are lonely, meet up with your old friends, or take DD to an after school activity where there will be a different group of mummies.

josben · 21/05/2009 00:15

Bigasbeerbelly - thats so well said, good advice and so true - i will take note of your advice too

MillyR · 21/05/2009 00:18

Puddleduck

Have you thought about becoming a PTA person, brownie leader, or something similar? That would be a good way of becoming more involved with other mums and would make it more likely that you would be included in everything.

thumbwitch · 21/05/2009 00:22

jeez puddleduck - your 4 closest friends? That's 4 more people than phone me regularly!
I have several lovely friends but none of them phone for a chat these days, mostly because of DS I guess.

Perhaps this is a case of wanting something more because you can't have it?

There may also be a possibility that you did come across as too needy in the beginning and she is now trying to distance herself to avoid you becoming a klingon - not that I'm saying you would, but perhaps she has had bad experiences before and didn't want to get hooked into a tight friendship with one person before she had met lots more?

BigBellasBeerBelly · 21/05/2009 00:29

Rereading my post I sound very bossy!

It's late...

Also many people just want and need less social interaction than others. I don't feel the need to see people that often and get a bit freaked out if people keep on asking.

But I have friends who want to do something every day and feel miserable and unloved if they can't make that many plans.

Maybe she is the former and you are the latter?

Original poster
Littlepuddleduck · 21/05/2009 00:36

MR I do all of those things to some degree but I admit I am obsessed with just her.

What's the likelihood she is reading this, recognises herself and is freaked out when I see her in the morning?

Or am I being paranoid now.

The messy house/ not type/lunch only after 10 yrs thing/ not being in a position to reciprocate are interesting thoughts.

My house is like a show home, but only because I have a cleaner, that could piss her off (haven't said I have a cleaner)

I got her and her husband to remove their shoes when they came to dinner(could have pissed them both off)

I'm a former model (potential to piss her off? But my looks have definitely faded, she is gdlooking in an elegant way, unlike me)

The dinner wasn't great (should have been boil in the bag but I chargrilled it by mistake)

Her house may not have been finished, but as I've never been invited there I wouldn't know.

My house is big and some say beautiful, but she didn't make any comment so hers is probably better (or has potential to be) as her dh has a better job than mine (not that any of this makes the slightest bit of difference of course).

OMG making me sound incredibly shallow, sorry. Just trying to analyse this obsession stuff.

I

OP posts:
MillyR · 21/05/2009 00:41

You made them take their shoes off at the door?

That is not good. It does make you seem crazy!

I am intrigued by your story, and it is a bit like the plot of a novel, but I have to go to bed.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 21/05/2009 00:48

Um....

I'm not really surprised she hasn't invited you back.

And she doesn't make you laugh.

Give it up i reckon, and try to stop obsessing, it's not healthy

JudyBlume1019 · 21/05/2009 01:04

I have a new friend I'm trying to shake off. She's works p/t and doesn't seem to know that many people with a dc the same age as hers. Our dds are at nursery together. Her dd likes mine, mine isn't remotely bothered about hers, and when they play together they mostly ignore eachother. The mother is lovely, very sweet, pleasant, but we don't really click and tbh I haven't got space for her in my life. I have other friends I don't have time to see as much as I'd like, and having a regular meet-up with her is taking up valuable time. I have no idea how to pass on the hint, but I am late replying to texts, cancel playdates etc, generally am just a crap friend and hope she'll transfer her loyalties elsewhere. I would hate to offend her, and do genuinely like her, but don't have space for her. C'est la vie. I've been on the other end of this scenario before and will again no doubt. C'est la vie.

Original poster
Littlepuddleduck · 21/05/2009 01:13

It sounds like taking the shoes off was the thing that killed any potential friendship (and the charcoal tasting dinner)plus my overbearingness and trying too hardness.

I would never have invited myself back either.In fact I sound absolutely awful and just writing this down makes me realise how by trying to be nice has backfired quite spectacularly.

OP posts:
moffat · 21/05/2009 07:17

If you think that your looks, the state of your house, dinner gone wrong have, taking off shoes have a bearing on the friendship then it doesn't sound like you would actually enjoy the friendship.

I was once in a similar position. Dh had an acquaintance whose wife and I had babies at the same time. She came over a few times after she had the baby, I really liked her (she is very beautiful and I think that played a part although I don't know why), and we seemed to be on the same wavelength but it sort of petered out. If we met at other peoples' houses I would always be pleased to see her but she would act cool so then I stopped bothering, and that was when she made more of an effort.

Dh and I went to theirs' once for dinner and it just seemed like an effort, we didn't really feel relaxed.

Anyway, we have now lost touch. The thing that has always stuck with me is when I invited her and her dds to ds' birthday party, when she was leaving she said that she had another party to go to that afternoon with HER friends - which suggested to me that she didn't think of me as a friend.

TBH I was probably a bit in awe of her - she is very beautful, without seeming to be aware of it, and has a kind of grace which I envy probably. But I came to realise that I couldn't actually relax and be myself when I was with her.

InternationalFlight · 21/05/2009 07:28

Re the obsession...(which is extreme!!) what was your mother like? Older sister? It strikes me this is nothing to do with your new acquaintance.

Nobody you'd just met could make you feel this strongly.

I imagine she picked up on the vibe and felt slightly freaked out - no offence to you, you sound nice just a bit full on!

InternationalFlight · 21/05/2009 07:36

Btw - I've a friend who approached me early on when we joined the school.

She seemed popular and very sweet and kept inviting me to things...I explained that I didn't really socialise much and she seemed OK about it, though I had to share quite a bit of personal info just to make her understand.
She shared a little with me, too. But since then we just haven't really spoken!

I think one day I asked why she was fed up (facebook status!) and she didn't reply - and in the playground said 'I can't talk about it, sorry!' in a giggly way and proceeded to talk to everyone else about it

So I decided I wasn't what she wanted and therefore I wasn't going to share any more either - and left it be.

I was a bit offended but only because she'd pushed so hard to be my friend and I felt a bit dropped. But I wonder why she was so full on with me.

RumourOfAHurricane · 21/05/2009 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

saintlydamemrsturnip · 21/05/2009 09:38

You are overthinking it.

I would be a bit freaked if I was the other woman tbh.

I probably wouldn't rush to invite someone with a very tidy house to mine because I would have to spend 2 days cleaning beforehand and it wouldn't be worth the stress. Wouldn't mean I didn't like the person though.

TBH I don't really invite other mums to my house anyway, although we sometimes have tea/coffee when dropping off/picking up kids.

blossomsmine · 21/05/2009 10:10

Oh god puddleduck, you are trying too too hard

You would scare me off thats for sure!! You also sound quite hard to live up too, with your ex model thing, beautiful house, hubbie with good job (lol!) shoes off at door!...oh good god, all of it!!

Even if i liked the look of you i would be too scared to even try and befriend you cos i would feel like i had to 'keep up'!

Even the fact that you invite school mums over for dinner would me.....we NEVER do that!!!

.............snobby in a 'nice' way??? I don't get that!!???

....................oh, the different worlds we all live in.....???!!!!

Ronaldinhio · 21/05/2009 10:22

I. mean. this. kindly.

Move on and stop overanalysing everything to death.
Maybe she can't be arsed
Is a gun runner
Works for the Disney Corp

I haven't made friends with anyone with children not because they haven't been nice or inviting but because I'm a bit crap and I have friends and a large family
That's all

You are not the star of her show, accept it

Just leave it and do something else...join the WI perhaps?

Ronaldinhio · 21/05/2009 10:25

I am considering the WI myself (in case that sounded sarcastic)

blossomsmine · 21/05/2009 10:31

.....isn't the WI full of 'nice' snobby people??? Or has it all changed nowadays??

Can't understand why you would say you 'want' people from school to phone you..???? Why?? Are you interested in what they would say or do you just want to say...right, i have now had telephone contact with school mums..... Very strange!!!

I have a friend who, many years ago, said her dh had mentioned that they don't have a large circle of friends and didn't mix with each others friends other halfs (if you get that!) Anyway, over the years i have noticed they now have a big circle of friends and mix with loads of couples, so looks like they worked on that one!! But, i have noticed whenever she (my friend) has a problem, which is quite often, it is always me she comes to (i am not in that big circle of friends, my choice really) and she always says she hasn't told anyone else and what should she do etc., etc.,........

What i am trying to say is that maybe 'many' friends doesn't equal 'proper' friends??

Chill out, enjoy yourself and your family and the good friends you have, don't over stress, i can't bear over analysing things!! Don't think my little brain is geared up for that!