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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To secretly want to say 'I'll remember this when it's your lo's birthday...' to DH's colleague's wife?

133 replies

flamingobingo · 12/05/2009 20:18

Ok, so I'm not actually going to do that, and I'm actually a very nice person and DH and I will continue going out of our way for his colleague and his wife as they embark on their exciting journey having their first baby in August.

But..........colleague wants a few days off to decorate their nursery with his wife at the end of the month. One of those days is DD1's 6th birthday, for which DH wanted a day off so we could take her bowling with some friends (which she's wanted to do for ages). They can't both have the same day off. Colleague said kindly that DH could have the day off, of course. He's just texted to say wife not happy with change of plan and will be having the day off himself .

They've only got loads and loads of weeks to get the flipping decorating done, and DH has offered them to have any other time off at all - he'll cover - but no, of course, decorating a baby's nursery (PFB though...) must be done on the exact day that an existing child is having a birthday. Gah!

So AIBU to slightly want to say to her 'I'll remember this...'? (just to re-iterate, I would never, ever say this, and will no doubt forget it tomorrow when I've got over the mother lioness rage! )

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 13/05/2009 14:14

Ok, here goes

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/05/2009 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Rhubarb · 13/05/2009 14:24

In our school they make a fuss of the birthday child. We have a big birthday hat they wear and for the younger classes, everyone sings Happy Birthday to them. They are made to feel special for that day, which is better than spending a day at home being bored because all your friends are at school.

Grammaticus · 13/05/2009 14:27

Kids round here don't take the day off on their birthday. We are all FAR too uptight and middle class for that.

ClaireDeLoon · 13/05/2009 14:28

ooh yes we had a birthday tree with blue parcels and pink parcels on it and you got to choose - I remember being upset when one year my birthday was on a weekend. Then again the OP has said her DD is home ed so I guess she wouldn't be missing out on such things.

pastapestofor6 · 13/05/2009 14:45

can you imagine the future scenario if the work mate and wife have pfb on the op's dc's birthday

SerendipitousHarlot · 13/05/2009 15:00

LMAO @ being uptight because I dared to disagree in AIBU

Stayingsunnygirl · 13/05/2009 15:24

I can think of a number of occasions where dh hasn't been at one of the dses' birthday parties - it happens sometimes. Most times they get to have something special for tea on the day, and birthday cake when dh gets home; and then the party is at a later date.

Sometimes, if the only day we can do whatever it is the ds wants to do is a weekday, then dh hasn't been there. I'm sure that most dads want to be at their kids' birthday parties and that most kids want their dads there, but in the long run, it isn't going to be the end of the world for these children if their dad isn't there for one party, and it's not going to wreck their relationships with him.

MorrisZapp · 13/05/2009 15:30

I don't get it. Your DH getting days off is between him and his employers surely, not another employees wife.

The other guy asked for time off and got it. Your gripe is surely with DH's employers (or the other employee, who I assume is adult) and not the other wife?

It isn't really material either way why he wants the time off, or why you want it off come to think of it.

MorrisZapp · 13/05/2009 15:35

Ok now have just read that other wife is pregnant and your DH didn't actually book the day off anyway.

I don't get it at all now. Seems like YABU.

Classic case of 'ask this one the other way round'.

jumpjockey · 13/05/2009 15:50

Leave situations often suck but you just have to accept it. At DH's work the 6 partners take it in turns to be top of the list to choose when they want leave, then the calendar gets passed along. This summer his sister is getting married in Scotland on a Friday, but two people higher than him on the list booked that Friday first. We can't force them to change, that's not how it works. We're having to cough up for a locum, and would not dream of insisting that one of the other two changes even for a one-off event like a wedding. It would only come back and bite us on the bum later, and luckily he was top of the list when we got married so could book the honeymoon without any difficulty.

So given that your daughter will have a birthday every year, and your DH simply missed the boat in booking the leave, yes YABU.

Rhubarb · 13/05/2009 15:52

I think the OP is sulking.

LittleMissBliss · 13/05/2009 17:29

Bigbella My dp wouldn't book off a week from work to decorate a room that could be done in a weekend.

But say that he did, and someone asked to swap a day for a special occasion, and he was happy to do so i wouldn't stop him. It's up to him.

Did i miss the bit about them both going into work??? I thought it was just him......

BigBellasBeerBelly · 13/05/2009 18:02

She never said either way. But as it's a first child it's pretty likely she is working full time too (depending how far gone she is of course).

So if you had planned a week together you would genuinely be really happy to have him go into work one day right in the middle of it? If you worked full time would you be keen to do that? I don't know anyone who would willingly take some days off, then work one day, then have a bit more off. It spoils the whole thing. Better to cancel the whole break and do it another time if you were that depserate to help out.

Again though we don't know which days and so on, and it looks like the OP has legged it...

Original poster
flamingobingo · 13/05/2009 18:32

naff off - I'm not sulking - I've been out! Blimey! Do people have to be tied to the computer all day?

She's on mat leave - starting it early. It seems that the general population is split 50:50 between 'it's nice to think of others' and 'there's no need to think of others if you don't have to'.

To answer qus. DH and his colleague are managers - up to them to sort out time off between them. Dh's request was a day later than colleagues. Both made when they had a manager who left unexpectedly soon after, DH and colleague both promoted to his role and found all the A/L requests undealt-with. Colleague himself had no issue at all with Dh having the day off instead of him, it's just bunnyboiler, controlling wife with the problem. DH leaves at 6.50am and gets back at 7pm so no time for birthday tea on the day.

Anyway, to update, Dh and I decided to maintain good relations as we felt sorry for colleague being in a difficult position and there was no way wife would 'back down'. he texted colleague to say he assumed wife had decided not to change mind, and that we would re-arrange birthday treat. He also added 'no hard feelings'. Colleague rang DH to say, with great relief 'thank you so much mate - I got so much hell last night'. .

If everyone had said IABU, I would have reconsidered my feelings, but as so many people said I wasn't, I think I probably WNBU. Not AIBU by stealth - do you think anyone would have had the time to read a lengthy OP with every single detail in?

OP posts:
juuule · 13/05/2009 18:59

"it's just bunnyboiler, controlling wife with the problem"
Seems a bit nasty. Do you know her well?

As for dh not getting home until 7pm why does that stop the birthday tea? Can't your dd have a friend or two to tea. Save the cake while later and sing happy birthday and do the candles once dh gets home. That's what we've done in the past.

traceybath · 13/05/2009 19:06

I really hate men who blame their wifes for everything.

She quite possibly is a nightmare but honestly i have far more respect for people who say 'actually its me who doesn't want to do this'.

I don't think you've been unreasonable but there's clearly not much you can do.

PortoPandemico · 13/05/2009 19:25

Sorry - I am a nice and reasonable person, but if DH and I had planned time off and someone expected him to change it, I would have been mightly pissed off! If it was an office emergency or something REALLY big like a funeral or a wedding, i might understand, but not because it is someone's birthday. That does not me a "bunny boiler" make. You are sounding more and more precious OP. I don't expect YOU are giving YOUR DH any grief about this. are you?

BigBellasBeerBelly · 13/05/2009 19:28

flaming what days off has the colleague got? And which day off did you want?

interested to see what i would have done in your DHs colleagues/wifes place...

When is she due?

Fimbo · 13/05/2009 19:43

Well with that last post you have just written you are clearly not thinking of the pregnant woman at all.

Actually you know what I am starting to feel sorry for her. Imagine if she did come on here and see this thread.

It beggars belief, it really does.

Original poster
flamingobingo · 13/05/2009 19:47

Listen everyone, thanks for the input. It has been helpful in making me question my feelings. I still feel like she's been mean. I'm not going to go into it in any further detail. I asked if people thought IWBU and I got answers that said I was and some that said I wasn't and that kindly gave her the benefit of the doubt.

It's not the first bunny boiler thing she's done - her DH is pretty disloyal anyway, if you ask me. I'd be very upset if my DH talked about me the way he talks about her. Either he's horrid (which he doesn't seem to be after years of DH working with him full time) or she is how he says she is and he's just letting off steam. I've given her the benefit of the doubt up until now, but have run out of nice-ness for her because of this.

Anyway, that's the last I'm going to say on the subject! (not passive aggressive this time )

OP posts:
Kimi · 13/05/2009 19:51

YANBU to be peed off by it, but your DH should have booked the date sooner, although if it were me I would swap days so he could be with you and your DD.

I think your DH should book his dds birthday off for the next 5 years now and also book off the day of the new babies birthday for the next 10

whatwouldyoudothen · 13/05/2009 20:13

She's on Maternity Leave already? And not due for 3 more months?

Seriously?

whatwouldyoudothen · 13/05/2009 20:15

Oh, sorry (pinnochio)

BigBellasBeerBelly · 13/05/2009 20:27

OP mentioned "pg problems" earlier so maybe she's having a hard time with it/not very well.