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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To secretly want to say 'I'll remember this when it's your lo's birthday...' to DH's colleague's wife?

133 replies

flamingobingo · 12/05/2009 20:18

Ok, so I'm not actually going to do that, and I'm actually a very nice person and DH and I will continue going out of our way for his colleague and his wife as they embark on their exciting journey having their first baby in August.

But..........colleague wants a few days off to decorate their nursery with his wife at the end of the month. One of those days is DD1's 6th birthday, for which DH wanted a day off so we could take her bowling with some friends (which she's wanted to do for ages). They can't both have the same day off. Colleague said kindly that DH could have the day off, of course. He's just texted to say wife not happy with change of plan and will be having the day off himself .

They've only got loads and loads of weeks to get the flipping decorating done, and DH has offered them to have any other time off at all - he'll cover - but no, of course, decorating a baby's nursery (PFB though...) must be done on the exact day that an existing child is having a birthday. Gah!

So AIBU to slightly want to say to her 'I'll remember this...'? (just to re-iterate, I would never, ever say this, and will no doubt forget it tomorrow when I've got over the mother lioness rage! )

OP posts:
Stayingsunnygirl · 13/05/2009 12:31

I think I can see both sides here. Flamingobingo - I can understand why you are feeling upset by this, and I think that some people have been a bit unkind to you about your feelings.

I do wonder, though, whether they've booked the carpet fitter for a particular day, and furniture deliveries too, perhaps, so the decorating has to be fitted in at a particular date.

Mind you, when I was pregnant with (precious) ds1, my dh's contribution to decorating ds1's room, was to go with me to buy the paint, and to carry the stepladder upstairs for me. I managed to do all the decorating myself, and in only one day. Dh and I have recently decorated our bedroom, and again, it only took the two of us one day.

gagamama · 13/05/2009 12:37

YANBU to feel annoyed, but I'm sure there's more to it than just wanting to paint on a specific day on some strange whim. Perhaps they've invited people over, perhaps they're accepting a big delivery of furniture, perhaps they've hired a consultation with an interior designer, perhaps it marks an anniversary/due date of a miscarriage and they want to spend it doing things for the new baby... who knows why they really need that specific day. But she does sound like a bit of a bunny boiler and, yes, I would be annoyed!

PM73 · 13/05/2009 12:40

I can see both sides,

If the preg lady knows you & knows she has stopped your dh from joining you & your dd on her bowling trip then thats nasty.But there again maybe she thinks you would be going after school hours time

But your dh knew the date he needed to book of & didnt,thats noone elses fault except his own,so really its his fault the bday plans are ruined.

Cant you go bowling after work,about 6ish? Surely if your dd's friends are going they will be in school anyway in the day?

KerryMaid · 13/05/2009 12:40

She probably doesn't think it's that important because your DH's behaviour in not booking it off suggests it isn't.

TBH I have never heard of a father taking a day off for a school-aged childs birthday so if anyone is being a bit precious....

PurpleCrazyHorse · 13/05/2009 12:45

Decorating a nursery... what's that?

YANBU to be a bit irritated by it, you'd think they could shuffle a day around or at least say sorry we can't as the carpet is being delivered etc etc. Although I can understand if the colleague has booked the whole week off.

Your DC will be fine having her party on a different day though, especially if it means her dad will be there. I loved spreading my birthday across a few days. We'd have a family tea on my b-day and then stuff with extended family/friends on the 'party' day. Spreads out the gifts nicely and sometimes I got two cakes [yum]

On the nursery note... we've left ours as it is so I expect out PFB will end up in therapy!! I'm on a roll to spend the very least I can but atleast DH won't need any time of work

PurpleCrazyHorse · 13/05/2009 12:46

Ooops... overloading on the grins

BigBellasBeerBelly · 13/05/2009 12:52

purplecrazyhorse

Am interested to know whether the wife will also have booked time off to be with her DH and get this done.

People do seem to be assuming that it's just the colleague who has to change his plans. But as it's PFB like as not the wife works full time too.

If they have booked a full week and it's the weds or something that they are being expected to work, I don't think they ABU at all to say no.

What days are we talking OP?

PM73 · 13/05/2009 12:56

Can i just ask again what time were you wanting to do the bowling cos surely all your dd's friends will be being schooled?

LittleMissBliss · 13/05/2009 13:05

KerryMaid are you the lady in question......you seem to have a bee in your bonnet!

The child in question is home ed,so its not like pulling a child out of school for her birthday treat.

Which is quite normal as far as i'm aware, allot of my freinds even during their teens would get days out shopping to London, hair cuts, theme parks with their parents on their birthday (school days).
I didn't alas as my Birthday was always in the christmas holidays.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 13/05/2009 13:11

littlemissbliss I was never pulled out of school for my birthday, and never knew anyone who was. This is not normal surely? Certainly wasn't at my school.

I think kerrymaid meant that although the child was home-ed, her friends probably wouldn't be and so was confused as to how the bowling party could happen on a school day.

Maybe all the DDs friends are home-ed too? (don't know anything about home ed but would have thought this unlikely?)

izyboy · 13/05/2009 13:22

6 of one half dozen of the other. Soon to be Mum might be taking time off too. Or they have planned to finish decorating that week and taking a day off in the middle of a project is annoying. Very rare to get to do any fun activities on your birthday as a kid because you have to be in school, so I think your DD will be unusual with this anyway. And yea it is tough, but your DH should have booked time off sooner, that's just the way it is really.

LittleSarah · 13/05/2009 13:23

ClaireDeLoon said:

'The point is, that it is customary in our culture, I would say, to think of others and do kind things - well, it's what DH and I do anyway, and most of our friends and family. So it's a bit bloody annoying and a little bit of a shock, when you come across someone who doesn't.'

I think you're right here and I totally get what you are saying about living in a bubble. I think YANBU to be annoyed that others can't be a little flexible and kind.

I think that is the fundamental point. I don't think saying 'well he got in their first' makes it mean that's okay and you're in the wrong for not accepting this simple fact. I think the whole thing demonstrates a general selfish attitude and it would be nice to see a little more kindness and flexibility.

No, they don't have to be kind and nice, no one does, but thank god people are. People don't always do everything exactly as they should all the time and of course if that means things not going their way they should accept it. But a little consideration goes a long way.

LittleSarah · 13/05/2009 13:24

'well he got in there first'

LittleMissBliss · 13/05/2009 13:24

Is it really unusual...?

Yes I've been along on a few of these treats. Once myself and another friend were taken along to Chessington for the day On our friends Birthday, It was a school day so her Dad picked us all up early as its a bit of a drive and off we went, her dad dropped us off and he went to work as he was working in that neck of the woods for the day, think i we were 13. Then he picked us up at around 5. Was a great day.

Also when i was around 7 or 8 i was taken along to the NEC for something for a Birthday treat on a school day with a girl in my class.

It's quite normal i think. Or maybe i have spoilt friends. After all its only one day....people have weeks off in term time to go on holiday

LittleMissBliss · 13/05/2009 13:28

LittleSarah

I agree 100% with you.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 13/05/2009 13:28

Good lord littlemissbella I am seriously shocked - my jaw is on the floor! I had no idea!

Honestly that never happened at my school as far as I was aware - no holidays during term time for anyone either...

I'm flabbergasted.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 13/05/2009 13:31

Littlemiss and littlesarah...

To see the other side (although obviously we don't know the full picture), couldn't the OP be nice and kind and rather than trying to disrupt two people's long term booked holidays when they have who only knows what booked in and planned, simply have her DDs birthday celebration on a different day, maybe at the weekend...

It goes both ways.

LittleMissBliss · 13/05/2009 13:36

BigBella

This wasn't every Birthday..... But if it happened to fall on school day then it wouldn't always stop the treat. Plus the treat was often instead of a party. Plus half the treat was missing a day of school.

The funny thing is my dad's a teacher, but still let me go along on these trips....

SJisontheway · 13/05/2009 13:37

Maybe there is some really good reason why the nursery has to be painted on this particular day. Or maybe she's being difficult for the sake of it. Lots of people are like this - because they can. It pisses me off. Still think she sounds like a cow and op is NBU

juuule · 13/05/2009 13:39

Not normal where I live to give a child a day off school for their birthday. They usually take sweets into school, class sings happy birthday, they come home to birthday tea and if they're having a party or whatever it's at the weekend.

flamingobingo, I think yabu. You are saying that your dh colleagues wife should be understanding of you and make allowances for you and how awful of her not to but you don't appear to be making any allowances for her. First baby, things need to be done(it may or may not be decorating the nursery)and her dh booked the day first. I think you need to be a bit more understanding of her this time.
Why can't you do a birthday tea and then all go bowling on a different day. My children would have thought they were having extended birthday celebrations.

lowenergylightbulb · 13/05/2009 13:50

"DD not at school as is home educated. Weekends are busy at most places, we have found. We don't have much money so bowling is a birthday treat - do you know what that is? You know, a treat, that you have on your birthday [rolls eyes]"

So, the whole of your husbands work place should rearrange their lives because of your kids birthday, and because places are busy at the weekend?!!

YABU and more than a bit PFBish.

Next?!

LittleMissBliss · 13/05/2009 13:55

Bella The thing is, it is only on day of this booked holiday they are not asking the to re-arrange the whole thing. The nursery is something that can be done in stages. So one day swapped won't spoil the whole thing. Plus what's the rush new borns don't sleep in their own room for at least 6 months, well they shouldn't anway.

I just try and go out of my way to help out others if i can, even if i sometimes have to put myself out to do so. This lady just seems to be being a bit stubborn I'd say but like you said we don't know the full story.
Doesn't really matter now as the OP has made new plans.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 13/05/2009 13:59

lowenergy your post is inaccuarate.

It should read "So, the whole of your husbands work place and his wife's workplace should rearrange their lives..."

Still waiting for the OP to confirm whether the wife works, how long they have taken off to do the decorating etc and what day the DD birthday falls on.

Come on OP show us we are being unreasonable!

BigBellasBeerBelly · 13/05/2009 14:02

Littlemissblue, if you and your DH had both booked, with loads of notice, a week off work to sort out for baby arriving, and then someone said no actually, you should both go into work for one day right in the middle of it, you would smile and say absolutely no problem?

You are a better woman than me. Really you are. Personally I would cancel the whole thing and do it another time rather than have to go into work for one day in the middle of my holiday.

It is not a small request. And moving the DD birthday celebration is easy.

I think the OP should tell us what days we are looking at here...

staylucky · 13/05/2009 14:10

Ahh tell him to call in sick. It's only work for god's sake!