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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To secretly want to say 'I'll remember this when it's your lo's birthday...' to DH's colleague's wife?

133 replies

flamingobingo · 12/05/2009 20:18

Ok, so I'm not actually going to do that, and I'm actually a very nice person and DH and I will continue going out of our way for his colleague and his wife as they embark on their exciting journey having their first baby in August.

But..........colleague wants a few days off to decorate their nursery with his wife at the end of the month. One of those days is DD1's 6th birthday, for which DH wanted a day off so we could take her bowling with some friends (which she's wanted to do for ages). They can't both have the same day off. Colleague said kindly that DH could have the day off, of course. He's just texted to say wife not happy with change of plan and will be having the day off himself .

They've only got loads and loads of weeks to get the flipping decorating done, and DH has offered them to have any other time off at all - he'll cover - but no, of course, decorating a baby's nursery (PFB though...) must be done on the exact day that an existing child is having a birthday. Gah!

So AIBU to slightly want to say to her 'I'll remember this...'? (just to re-iterate, I would never, ever say this, and will no doubt forget it tomorrow when I've got over the mother lioness rage! )

OP posts:
Original poster
flamingobingo · 13/05/2009 11:14

at all the uptight responses!

DD not at school as is home educated. Weekends are busy at most places, we have found. We don't have much money so bowling is a birthday treat - do you know what that is? You know, a treat, that you have on your birthday [rolls eyes]

If I thought that DH had a right to have the day off, I would be making a real fuss. I don't think he has a right to have a day off, and I never said I did, so I'm ignoring the uptight, holier-than-thou responses because they're not actually an actual reply to my OP. I'm glad you're all so bloody wonderful that you would be able to completely rise above something like that happening when it's your DC's birthday, and not even have a negative thought enter your head at all.

Still haven't had a response back from colleague. DH off work today. We need to book the bowling soon, so will have to arrange to celebrate her birthday on his set day off that week if he doesn't reply soon! Never mind, am less angry with her this morning now I've calemed down a bit. Am glad I'm not the only one who thought she was a bit mean!

OP posts:
SJisontheway · 13/05/2009 11:26

YANBU - sounds like a cow. Hope it works out

BigBellasBeerBelly · 13/05/2009 11:49

Sorry flamingo but I'm with the uptight horde.

It's work, first come first served, he booked it your DH didn't. If I was in your DHs position I wouldn't even have asked to swap.

If it makes you feel any better I am due to have a baby early in July. DH has his 2 weeks pat leave but wanted to take an extra 2 after that/within a couple of weeks of pat leave to have more time at home with me and the baby. He can't as it's holiday time and everyone else has booked July/August already (had done so in advance of us finding out about baby/thinking what the plan would be).

So that's that . Just one of those things with work.

Original poster
flamingobingo · 13/05/2009 11:52

I know that Bella. That's not what I have asked AIBU about!!!!

OP posts:
BigBellasBeerBelly · 13/05/2009 11:55

OK then.

I think YABU.

He has the holiday booked to do stuff. He asked his wife if they could change it (which was nice of him) and she said no. She doesn't know you or your DD does she?

I wouldn't be particularly riled I don't think.

Did you book all the guests and bowling alley before you confirmed that he had the time off?

TBH I'm not sitting here thinking badly of DHs colleagues because their breaks mean that DH won't get any extra time with the new baby while it's all newborn, and I am establising BF, recovering etc.

Original poster
flamingobingo · 13/05/2009 11:59

Yes, she does know us, Bella. And your DH is having two weeks off - as much as any Dad gets unless they're very lucky.

My DH is also going out of his way to ensure they're covered over the period the baby's due so that his colleague doesn't have to worry while he's off. And he's gone out of his way in the past to make sure colleague can leave work at short notice if his wife has had pg problems. And he will make sure he stays local when he has his days off when the baby's due so he can rush in and take over when she goes into labour if she does so on one of DH's days off.

She's being mean-spirited. Fair enough, you think IABU, I think IANBU so there

OP posts:
KerryMaid · 13/05/2009 12:01

Oh, AIBU by stealth - she should scratch your back because he's scratching theirs.

Why didn't you put that in the OP?

OrmIrian · 13/05/2009 12:01

Nope yanbu! She sounds horrible. If it were me I'd definitely offer to change - have done in the past for various reasons - and I wouldn't expect DH to complain. The colleague woulsdn't have offered to swap if the thing he had planned had been vital.

LittleMissBliss · 13/05/2009 12:05

I think she sounds a bit control freakyish.
I don't see why her DH couldn't have another day off to finish the nursery. Surely she could try and see it from the point of view of your dd.

It is your DH's fault for not booking early. This happened to me recently as 2 people have booked the day off when i want to go to a wedding in July. But Someone else has agreed to swap their shift to cover me. I would be really hurt if they didn't. Luckily they are nice and reasonalbe. Unlike this lady.

Original poster
flamingobingo · 13/05/2009 12:08

No, Kerry, I'm not saying that she should let DH have the day off, I'm saying that AIBU to feel annoyed with her that she isn't! Seriously, are you so perfect that you wouldn't feel a tad annoyed in my position? If so, then good for you - you're obviously a very lovely and perfect person (passive aggressive!). Or maybe you would do the same as here - you come first whatever the situation!?

The point is, that it is customary in our culture, I would say, to think of others and do kind things - well, it's what DH and I do anyway, and most of our friends and family. So it's a bit bloody annoying and a little bit of a shock, when you come across someone who doesn't.

Thanks Orm - I know IANBU really, to feel annoyed, but am surprised that some people actually think that she's not being mean! I sometimes think I live in this little bubble of people who think of others, and do people favours etc. and everyone else is just selfish and would put decorating a flipping 'nursery' above a little girls' birthday. Yes, she has a right to do it, but it's not exactly kind to do it. But ho hum...I'm over it now. We've made alternative arrangements - just have to let DD1 know now.

OP posts:
KerryMaid · 13/05/2009 12:16

It is not beside the point - the woman is probably thinking: "if it was that important he should have booked it earlier."

You can chose to be annoyed, which you have done. But it doesn't mean that everyone else in your situation would feel the same way.

You can't MAKE everyone agree with you by stamping your foot.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/05/2009 12:18

If you havent booked the bowling yet, it means you havent invited anybody yet. So YabVery U. They booked first. They have plans.

You havent yet booked bowling. You knew when your dds birthday is, yet you did not book time off well in advance. SHE knows when her birthday is. Have a cake and a small family celebration ON her birthday, and go bowling the next day.

A 6 year old should be able to understand that her father cannot get time off work on her actual birthday, so will celebrate the next day when he CAN book a day off.

stoppinattwo · 13/05/2009 12:18

Kerrymaid...are you this lady??....

KerryMaid · 13/05/2009 12:20

Stoppin, how did you guess?

Seriously though, typical AIBU, totally incapable of seeing any other pov. Why bother asking at all, one wonders...

Original poster
flamingobingo · 13/05/2009 12:22

What do you mean 'if it was that important'? What's more important than a DC's birthday? I somehow can't see her saying 'if it's that important' about her DC's birthday when it comes around! In contrast, DH and I will be, as usual, going out of our way to make sure his colleague gets that day off because we recognise it's importance.

OP posts:
Original poster
flamingobingo · 13/05/2009 12:24

Quintessential - DD1 won't mind, of course I can put it to her in a way that will be pleasant. We can't have a small family celebration ON her birthday because DH will be at work of course! That's the whole point.

I can quite see her point of view, Kerry, I just don't think she's being very kind.

OP posts:
Fimbo · 13/05/2009 12:24

If your child was at school and not home educated you wouldn't have been able to go bowling anyway....

Original poster
flamingobingo · 13/05/2009 12:25

And btw, am also v. v. pissed off with DH for not booking it off sooner. Livid, in fact, as he has known that's her birthday for the last 6 years.

OP posts:
Fimbo · 13/05/2009 12:26

If you post in AIBU you are hoping that people are going to agree with you, but the reality is there will always be someone or a few who doesn't.

I started my own AIBU thread this morning and was told I was. I accepted it.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/05/2009 12:27

Flamingo, you CAN have a small celebration with a nice meal and cake at home on the day, when your dh comes home from work, or does he work very late, or out of town?? In this way, she will get TWO celebrations?

TBH, I think the pregnant woman has her pregnant brain on, and is unable to focus on anything else than her baby. It is not that uncommon...

Fimbo · 13/05/2009 12:27

Terrible grammar above - apologies.

ClaireDeLoon · 13/05/2009 12:27

'The point is, that it is customary in our culture, I would say, to think of others and do kind things - well, it's what DH and I do anyway, and most of our friends and family. So it's a bit bloody annoying and a little bit of a shock, when you come across someone who doesn't.'

I think you're right here and I totally get what you are saying about living in a bubble. I think YANBU to be annoyed that others can't be a little flexible and kind.

Tickawicka · 13/05/2009 12:27

It may be that they have furniture coming and old furniture going and only a small window of opportunity to decorate in between. And pg women usually are advised not to reach up too high.

However, I can understand your annoyance.

DH works with people who have grown up children, who swoop in and book all the half terms as leave as soon as possible, meaning that he can't have time off with our school age DCs. And yes, he should get in first but it's like they always manage to . . . long practice we think, and as it's time they don't seem to need (during that particular week anyway) also probably force of habit.

We reckon that DH will have got booking off all the school holidays at exactly the right time down to a fine art by the time the kids are well into their teens and wouldn't be seen in public with us anyway.

Tickawicka · 13/05/2009 12:29

"And pg women usually are advised not to reach up too high." - sorry what I meant there is that she couldn't do all the decorating by herself, maybe they'd arranged to paint the walls together, she'd do the low bit and him the high bit.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 13/05/2009 12:31

Has it occured to anyone that the collegue's wife may well have booked the time off work to decorate with her DH and this will mean she has to waste a day off/rearrange evertthing etc.

Or as this is AIBU by stealth will it turn out that the wife does work, as a childminder for OPs DD, and OP always lets her have time off whenever she wants at short notice and pays her twice the going rate or something.

I also think it's a bit odd to say that a 6yo bday, which can be had any day of the week, is extremely important and vital, while spending time with a newborn and looking after a freshly birthed-out wife is neither here nor there etc. FWIW all men could take additional time off to be with newborns, if they wanted to, it's annual leave, not something they are "lucky" to get. Holiday entitlement of a certain amount per year is a legal right. Of course if others have got in first you can't take it, which is fair enough, which was also my original point.

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