Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think PIL should not phone to "put their disappointment about surname on record" making DP change his mind?

109 replies

steppes · 12/05/2009 18:39

DD is 2 weeks old, DP and I spent a while mulling over surname as his is a bit difficult to spell and just not a nice sounding name, and mine goes better with her first name. A few months ago he wanted his surname and I didn't think I could change his mind so didn't try, but recently he decided he didn't mind either way and we decided to use mine for practical reasons more than anything.

He told PIL who responded with their disappointment and how they'd been led to believe we'd be using their name (not true) and how about using it as a second middle name? Other middle name is my (and my mum's) middle name, DP's family have no female name passed on like this.

It was a phone conversation in which DP and they got very emotional and he was very angry, we've been having a hard time with feeding baby and worried and stressed as well as tired from the normal first baby experience.

Now a few days on and he's saying he's coming round to thinking he would like to use his surname as a middle name, as PIL suggest. AIBU to be very cross about this? We made a decision together after quite a bit of consideration and I hate feeling like we've been badgered into changing our minds, and I'm angry with PIL for causing a disagreement between DP and me now, especially when they know damn well all the stress we've felt already. I don't want to change our decision but feel I have no choice as DP will now be unhappy if I don't.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 12/05/2009 18:42

am not sure TBH

if it is your DP's decision then that carries weight - a few months ago he did want to do it

i do think your PILs are incredibly rude - it is really nothing to do with them

Tamarto · 12/05/2009 18:42

YANBU for being cross, You are being incredibly reasonable about it considering.

Tamarto · 12/05/2009 18:43

Middle names are hardly used so let that be a comfort to you.

MummyDragon · 12/05/2009 18:46

YANBU AT ALL and the in-laws should certainly not be interfering like this, BUT given that the situation has arisen, here are 2 possible solutions:-

  1. would it really be such a nuisance if DD had DP's surname as her middle name? My DS has my maiden name as his middle name, fwiw. Or would DP's surname sound weird as a girl's name ..?
  1. get married so you'll all have the same surname (or do you not want to change your name even if you did get married? - fair enough if you want to keep yours, but in that case you should probably be able to see why your DP's family want his surname in there somewhere, no?)

You're all obviously tired &emotional from dealing with a new baby (congrats, by the way!) and maybe there are bigger battles to fight? It's not her first name that you're arguing over, after all.

You'll never use the middle name anyway ...

MrsHappy · 12/05/2009 18:47

I don't think you are unreasonable to be peeved. Your DP is upset, as are you, and it is not what you need.

I agree that it is unfair of the in laws to put pressure on your DP like that and I would not like to be bullied into changing an agreed position either.

However a child can have more than one middle name and there is maybe no harm in doing what your DP now suggests. It's not as if anyone gets called by their middle name anyway (unless your baby becomes a US qualified lawyer in which case a difficult to spell name might just be a plus)...

CowWatcher · 12/05/2009 18:48

YANBU. I don't think its any of their business. However, Tamarto has a point. There is little to be lost in giving your child a second middle name. We have DD who has first name, middle name (which originates from her great-grandmother & and is held by every generation since) my surname as next middle name & finally her & my husband's surname. We made it clear that DD's surname is not double barrelled & (amazingly) they have all cottoned-on & get this right. GOod luck with the new baby & the in-law minefield.

SamJamsmum · 12/05/2009 18:48

Not sure

I think DP is allowed to change his mind about something so important. He is allowed to be affected by his PILs' opinion. Perhaps he didn't realise how much it mattered to them/ him.

A second middle name really has very little significance. I think you have more important stuff to worry about. It sounds like it would make DP happy. Do you mind the name itself or just the principle of the change?

MarlaSinger · 12/05/2009 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

papapapokerface · 12/05/2009 18:56

We use my surname as a second middle name and I am happy with that. I think it's a good compromise. However it's non of your PILs business.

clam · 12/05/2009 19:02

"Put it on record?"

"Led to believe?"

What is this? Some sort of tribunal?

YANBU to be irritated by it, but I think you may have to suck it up in the interests of family harmony.

Stick it on the form as a second middle name, put the certificate in a drawer for the next 18 years, and forget to include it when people ask her name, unless PILs are in the room.

Heated · 12/05/2009 19:04

If you ever married, would DP take your surname too?

TrillianAstra · 12/05/2009 19:07

Second middle name is a good idea. It will never be used for anything, but will give her a link to that family.

PILs should get over themselves. But some people put a lot more importance on the significance of names than I do.

What if you had decided to give her DP's surname, and then after the birth you changed your mind? That would be allowed and he would be expected to take it seriously, right?

nametaken · 12/05/2009 19:09

YANBU to give the baby your surname as agreed BUT your PIL don't have to suck everything up without a wimper, if they don't like or agree with something, they're entitled to say so really, after all it is their grandchild.

Tell your partner if he wants the child to have his name he's gonna have to give his name to the mother too. Or does he want all the rights but none of the responsibilities.

I can understand you being upset but I'd stick to my original plans if it were me.

TheFallenMadonna · 12/05/2009 19:13

I think you're using your surname and another family name from your family. Your DP's surname as a second middle name seems very reasonable TBH. What are your objections to it, besides the alteration of your initial plans?

Original poster
steppes · 12/05/2009 19:15

Thanks for your replies, I feel more lighthearted about it after this, phew. It is consoling that middle names aren't used. DD won't thank him for it though

If we were to get married (which we most likely won't) I wouldn't take his name so it will always be me and DD with a different name, which we're all fine with.

I have never had anything but surface-friendly conversations with PIL, this may be one time where I need to blow off a little steam to them about the way they spoke to DP and the timing but will see how I feel when I actually see them next.

OP posts:
pottycock · 12/05/2009 19:15

Fuck me I loathe name politics. Some in-laws can be so bloody rude about something which is really none of their business (like mine-!).

We have a: dd middlename mysurname hissurname

Works for us. I think it's important for both parents to feel they have a presence in the name of their child if that's what they want.

pottycock · 12/05/2009 19:16

I have just the same situation - there's no chance we'll get married either and even if we did I wouldn't change my name!

piscesmoon · 12/05/2009 19:16

I have all DSs and I must admit that I would want them to follow convention and have the father's surname. In particular DS1's father died young-all he left was his name and I would be very upset if it didn't go down the male line.

pottycock · 12/05/2009 19:17

......meant to add - at least they haven't slated the name you chose for your baby like my MIL. Small mercies.

CowWatcher · 12/05/2009 19:19

My FIL refuses to accept that my surname is not the same as my husband's. Even sends me cheques on my birthday to the wrong name that I can't bank. This is after more than 11 years. I now ignore this rudeness. I'm fed up with explaining it to him.

gagarin · 12/05/2009 19:20

steppes - if they didn't care they'd have made no comment would they? Unless they are constantly prone to rows with you?

The fact the=at they want their grandchild to have their name (although they put it badly...) is a good thing IMO!

gagarin · 12/05/2009 19:21

steppes - if they didn't care they'd have made no comment would they? Unless they are constantly prone to rows with you?

The fact the=at they want their grandchild to have their name (although they put it badly...) is a good thing IMO!

nametaken · 12/05/2009 19:22

CowWatcher get your own back on FIl by deliberately getting his name wrong all the time. Childish but satisfying.

Original poster
steppes · 12/05/2009 19:24

TheFallenMadonna - my objection has always been it is not a nice sounding name, noone can ever pronounce it when they read it and noone can spell it when they hear it.

Agreed he and I both have the right to change our minds about this any time in the process but of course I feel he is only doing so now under duress from PIL, and I don't think they should have a say - they had their children and named them, our turn now.

OP posts:
nametaken · 12/05/2009 19:27

can you tell us the name

Swipe left for the next trending thread