To think PIL should not phone to "put their disappointment about surname on record" making DP change his mind?

[steppes]

DD is 2 weeks old, DP and I spent a while mulling over surname as his is a bit difficult to spell and just not a nice sounding name, and mine goes better with her first name. A few months ago he wanted his surname and I didn't think I could change his mind so didn't try, but recently he decided he didn't mind either way and we decided to use mine for practical reasons more than anything.

He told PIL who responded with their disappointment and how they'd been led to believe we'd be using their name (not true) and how about using it as a second middle name? Other middle name is my (and my mum's) middle name, DP's family have no female name passed on like this.

It was a phone conversation in which DP and they got very emotional and he was very angry, we've been having a hard time with feeding baby and worried and stressed as well as tired from the normal first baby experience.

Now a few days on and he's saying he's coming round to thinking he would like to use his surname as a middle name, as PIL suggest. AIBU to be very cross about this? We made a decision together after quite a bit of consideration and I hate feeling like we've been badgered into changing our minds, and I'm angry with PIL for causing a disagreement between DP and me now, especially when they know damn well all the stress we've felt already. I don't want to change our decision but feel I have no choice as DP will now be unhappy if I don't.

This has moved on in many interesting ways. I asked originally if I was being unreasonable to be cross at changing our decision beacuse of PILs' input, not straightforwardly being asked by DP to consider having the name in the mix. I am okay with having the name for him.

I feel we could be in danger of setting a precedent for PILs to think they can get their way if they stamp their feet. I think they could have said something along the lines of "we know it's your decision but we would really like you to include our/DP's family name", not make us feel guilty by saying what they did and how they'd been awake all night upset about it and disappointed in us etc. This is more the issue for me. I don't agree with a child belonging to a wider family to the extent that they get input into the bigger decisions about the child, especially in a situation where there is not a close relationship and where the wider family often behave like children themselves.

My BIL has traced the family history back to 1784, I love to think that every male in the family has had a son since the surname began.

If a future DIL wants to use the name of her mother's mother's, mother's mother etc back to 18th Century that would be entirely fair and I would have no objection, but I would be very upset if she wanted to impose her own father's name-I can't see why it should get precedent.

I think that 2 middle names is a perfect compromise, your DP gets his name used, and you get your surname as the surname.

What is wrong with the other way around?

Steppes, you'll just have to make sure that your PIL don't get the notion that they have a say in your parenting.

In future, just be firm and resolute in general (but not pig headed obviously!) and don't be afraid to say it's none of their business because it's a parenting decision.

I think once you assert yourself, should you need to, in a most polite but strong manner, you won't have to do it again.

But I'd let your DH have his name as the middle name. You'll get credit for future issues too if you're not rigid. You'll be the bigger person.

And for what it's worth, it's your PIL who are throwing the toys out of the pram for calling up your DH, getting all emotional with him about something that has absolutely nothing to do with them.

tell the pils to feck off! its your baby, you did the baby-cooking, you get to choose the name end off! .... you could always tell them to have another of their own if they want to name a baby .... or buy one of those creepy dolls that the mental people get.... eeeewww

It really doesn't make any difference how many random second names you put in.

My MiL was for some reason quite keen to have her mother's maiden name included, so both DH and SiL are "first name" "second name" "maternal grandmother's surname" "father's surname".

We do occasionally get mail addressed to Mr Middlename-Surname - and I once got a letter addressed to me as Mrs Middlename-Surname, which given that I'm Dr MyOwnName was quite fun (it was like having a secret identity to pretend to be Mrs Middlename-Surname for a bit) - but you just say 'actually, he's Mr Surname and I'm Dr MyOwnName' and everyone is happy.

Secretly, I've kept my own name as DH's surname is so boring - if he really was called Middlename-Surname I might have swapped. Our children will be FirstName MyOwnName HisSurname, and they can call themselves whatever combination of names they like when they're older.

I have all DSs and I would consider it none of my business what my son and hypothetical future DIL decided to use as a surname for any grandchildren. I would hope that I would just be really thrilled that I was getting grandchildren, and leave it at that.

I've always been really against the whole male surname preference thing- it should be an equal decision based on which is the nicer surname in the opinion of the couple (and not the ILs). I've known couples pass on a really hideous male surname when the mother had a perfectly lovely family name.

I would ask your DH why he wants to change his mind.

Is it because he genuinely wants this surname or because he feels pressurised by his parents?

If the former you can compromise, if the latter put your foot down. I agree with WW, if his parents feel they have the right to interfere to this level and you cave into them, they will assume they have all sorts of other say in how you parent your children. Only change the name if you and your DH agree it, not because of what the IL's think.