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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think PIL should not phone to "put their disappointment about surname on record" making DP change his mind?

109 replies

steppes · 12/05/2009 18:39

DD is 2 weeks old, DP and I spent a while mulling over surname as his is a bit difficult to spell and just not a nice sounding name, and mine goes better with her first name. A few months ago he wanted his surname and I didn't think I could change his mind so didn't try, but recently he decided he didn't mind either way and we decided to use mine for practical reasons more than anything.

He told PIL who responded with their disappointment and how they'd been led to believe we'd be using their name (not true) and how about using it as a second middle name? Other middle name is my (and my mum's) middle name, DP's family have no female name passed on like this.

It was a phone conversation in which DP and they got very emotional and he was very angry, we've been having a hard time with feeding baby and worried and stressed as well as tired from the normal first baby experience.

Now a few days on and he's saying he's coming round to thinking he would like to use his surname as a middle name, as PIL suggest. AIBU to be very cross about this? We made a decision together after quite a bit of consideration and I hate feeling like we've been badgered into changing our minds, and I'm angry with PIL for causing a disagreement between DP and me now, especially when they know damn well all the stress we've felt already. I don't want to change our decision but feel I have no choice as DP will now be unhappy if I don't.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 13/05/2009 11:32

"as long as you are not married you dont have to even have his family name as a middle name."

Why?? It is his child too.

Mspontipine · 13/05/2009 11:32

"A modern legal perspective" Do family values, kinship, relationships and love mean nothing anymore???????????????????????

BonsoirAnna · 13/05/2009 11:37

It is widely considered progress that two adult parents are self-determining and no longer have to live under the shadow of previous generations .

SusieDerkins · 13/05/2009 11:38

Fwiw I totally agree with Gala. I've never really understood why women give their children their dp's surname if they aren't married/have kept their maiden name. Is there a particular reason for using the man's name? Why do we (women) not give the child our name so that if there is a split the children have the same name as their mother?

QuintessentialShadows · 13/05/2009 11:43

The op says herself that she has not got much contact with her partners parents, and they are unlikely to get married.

If the committment isnt there, why call her child by his family's name?

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 13/05/2009 11:49

I can't believe that some people are arguing that a DC should get a mothers surname IN CASE THEY SPLIT. Honestly if you think this when you are getting the birth certificate YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD A CHILD TOGETHER.* It's like getting married and thinking oh well if it doesn't work out I'll just get divorced.

It's also the 21st century the main carer tends to get the children and that can be male/female.

*I realise there are exceptions to this rule such as solidgold.

SoupDragon · 13/05/2009 11:51

Quint, it's not HER child, it is theirs. Hers and her DPs. Why on earth shouldn't his name be included as a middle name?

OrmIrian · 13/05/2009 11:53

Well I can see how they might be upset that their GC won't carry 'their' name. It might be irrational but not surprising. And they are within their rights to voice they unhappiness. I find it surprising that you are surprised TBH. And I don't see that the fact that it's not a nice name should matter that much.

However since the situation is as it is, I think their surname as an extra middle name seems a good compromise.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/05/2009 11:55

Soupdragon, because it is HIS parents pushing for it.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 13/05/2009 11:57

Did you read the bit when at first HE wanted the DC to have his surname and then he changed his mind? Maybe HE has changed it back again. It's a MIDDLE name.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/05/2009 11:58

I don't think the GPs are within their rights to voice their unhappiness. The name of the child is simply not their choice. It's just tough but they have to lump it.

If the father however has a different opinion, then that's something to be worked out between the parents, nobody else.

I would be livid if my parents or in laws thought it was ok to telephone and start bleating about decisions we'd made as parents. And I would tell them to butt out.

Gala · 13/05/2009 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProfMargotBeauregarde · 13/05/2009 12:04

My x's family didn't care a jot that their son wouldn't marry me (although thank goodness as it turned out, but that's another story). But yet, illogically imo, they loaded pressure on to me for wanting to give the children my sur name. Their son was 'bucking convention' too by not wanting to get married, but that issue was never raised, no pressure was ever put on him.... It just didn't seem fair. EITHER a family follows tradition and adheres to etiquette, or not. PILs can't expect their 'dil' to be the only one to buckle to convention and tradition iyswim..

Not suggesting that this is the case for you, but it is a little and to be so obsessed with etiquette and tradition if their son isn't married to their grandchild's mother. Do you see what I mean? I don't mean to offend YOU here, it's their logic that has big holes.

Gala · 13/05/2009 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProfMargotBeauregarde · 13/05/2009 12:06

ps my children now live near my parents and we rely on them a lot tbh. My x hasn't been generous. My family have been great. But the children have his sur name. I don't know if it bothers me that much. But I suppose if I think about it, it does feel a bit unfair to my family.

I was weak. I should have stood up to their dad and his family.

ProfMargotBeauregarde · 13/05/2009 12:09

yes libra, swing a cat 'round any room and you'll find several of us!! I envy Gala's strength of mind. I'm a single Mum and I'm not complaining> I have what's really important. But I've bent over backwards to pick up the slack of my x's failings as a father - and yet they have his name.

As I say, perhaps it's not a big deal. They're healthy and happy and it's not a horrible sur name (although it's not as nice as mine!).

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 13/05/2009 12:10

Yes Gala which is why I said there are exceptions but there is a poster on this thread who has given that as a reason. As reasons go I think that is a shit one and actually says quite a lot about the relationship to start with (as in your case!).

Also the GP have already accepted that the GC isn't getting their last name and have just suggested their name is used as a middle name which some posters seem to have missed.

And the OP doesn't seem to have come back since people started disagreeing with her.

ProfMargotBeauregarde · 13/05/2009 12:12

Yes well Libras, my relationship was shit before the baby was born, but you can't legislate against that. this is life not the Waltons.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/05/2009 12:12

But the GPs didn't just suggest their surname is used as a middle name, did they?

They called up and very emotional about it when it's none of their business and to lay on pressure like that is wholly inappropriate. It's manipulative and controlling.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/05/2009 12:14

It's all very well to get emotional about stuff that concerns you but if it's actually none of your business, then that's just out of order.

I've had this kind of pressure from stickybeak relatives and I really resented their manipulative input.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 13/05/2009 12:17

"He told PIL who responded with their disappointment and how they'd been led to believe we'd be using their name (not true) and how about using it as a second middle name? "

I took this as the GPs suggested it.

ProfM I am just saying that for a STABLE HAPPY relationship whether married or not it's a shit reason. Unfort in your case your XH sounds like a twat but in most cases XH won't be so really why should the DC have the womens surname any more than they should have the mans surname. There should be no more weight to the argument of the DC having a fathers surname than there is to a DC having the mothers surname. It should be decided between you.

ProfMargotBeauregarde · 13/05/2009 16:44

I think it's fairer. That is the answer to that Libra.

DarrellRivers · 13/05/2009 16:53

Actually I think you are being unreasonable.
Sounded a very good compromise, your surname, his surname as middle name.
Shades of control freakery now and throwing all your toys out of the pram if you don't get your own way
Your DD's roots are his parents as well as your family.
Why not just be done with it and ban them and their interfering ways from ever seeing their granddaughter?

piscesmoon · 13/05/2009 17:21

I think history is very important and it is so sad to disregard it.

I married my DH because I loved him, I am not his chattel (even my grandmother wasn't a chattel way back-she was a strong woman!), I like us having the same name and I think that his children should have his family name. My DS from the first marriage is an equal part of the family but it is very important to me that he retains his father's surname.
It is hardly a blow for feminism when you choose the mother's fathers name over the father's fathers name! I can't see the logic that says that your father's name is your name but your DC has to have the mother's name i.e. her father's name.

I am convinced that some women would like their DP to be a foundling, with no family at all!!

OlympedeGouges · 13/05/2009 17:26

YABU. Why on earth would you not want to compromise on the matter, if their name is a second middle name it is hardly going to be used much.

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