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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think PIL should not phone to "put their disappointment about surname on record" making DP change his mind?

109 replies

steppes · 12/05/2009 18:39

DD is 2 weeks old, DP and I spent a while mulling over surname as his is a bit difficult to spell and just not a nice sounding name, and mine goes better with her first name. A few months ago he wanted his surname and I didn't think I could change his mind so didn't try, but recently he decided he didn't mind either way and we decided to use mine for practical reasons more than anything.

He told PIL who responded with their disappointment and how they'd been led to believe we'd be using their name (not true) and how about using it as a second middle name? Other middle name is my (and my mum's) middle name, DP's family have no female name passed on like this.

It was a phone conversation in which DP and they got very emotional and he was very angry, we've been having a hard time with feeding baby and worried and stressed as well as tired from the normal first baby experience.

Now a few days on and he's saying he's coming round to thinking he would like to use his surname as a middle name, as PIL suggest. AIBU to be very cross about this? We made a decision together after quite a bit of consideration and I hate feeling like we've been badgered into changing our minds, and I'm angry with PIL for causing a disagreement between DP and me now, especially when they know damn well all the stress we've felt already. I don't want to change our decision but feel I have no choice as DP will now be unhappy if I don't.

OP posts:
Heated · 12/05/2009 21:52

I think it's in Germany (sure someone will correct me if wrong) where couples decide which surname they'll adopt as their married name, although it's still usually the male partner's.

Steppes, it's why I asked if you ever intended to get married, whether dp would take your surname instead, so all of you would have the same surname but that I don't think is the issue for dp...?

Mspontipine · 12/05/2009 22:04

Poor new grandparents.

Unless the name contains Bottom or Cock I think you're being really mean to the grandparents by rejecting their name as it is "not good enough for you" It's their name fgs what an insult.

It won't kill you to compromise as they suggest by tucking it far far away as a 2nd middle name.

Grandparents are to be cherished - they are the deep roots of your family tree - they won't be around forever will you pass your attitude on to your new child?

piscesmoon · 12/05/2009 22:52

I don't see why the cycle has to be broken-having gone a long way back in my family tree there are dozens of surnames-goodness knows which one I would have ended it up with if everyone did their own thing! It would also making tracing back very difficult.
There is no need for a wife to take the DHs name, but I think the children should. I can see the parents of boys are completely superfluous! DIL accepts them with bad grace and then doesn't even want the DCs to have the family name. I for one would be very upset as DH1 died far too young-the only thing he left was his memory and his name. If a DIL, who never knew him, was to come along and reject that name it would be very upsetting for DS, me and DS's grandparents. DS's grandparents in particular as grandchildren and great grandchildren are very precious when you have to live without your son.
There needs to be some sort of convention and I don't see what is wrong with the one that has been going since surnames began.

SausageRoleModel · 12/05/2009 23:09

I'm with you LadyGencora. In all honesty, I didn't want to have to explain to my DD (when she was old enough to ask) why she was named after Mr Role Model and not me, and have to explain that it was because we females are considered the goods and chattels of the men we marry and give up our names to take theirs names accordingly.

We double barrelled (for the reason that middle names often get ignored). As my real surname is also a male forename with chav associations, we had to put my surname last, otherwise the double barrelled surname sounded like the whole name of a bloke down the betting shop.

Luckily DD is only 5 months old so it will be a while before she forces us to explain how we could have betrayed our socialist roots and saddle her with an adopted upper class affectation

MillyR · 12/05/2009 23:40

My children have my surname and not my husband's. This is because I have the nicer surname. If I had married someone with a nicer surname than mine, the children would have their surname.

Either way, it is nothing to do with any of the grandparents.

The worry for me would be not the issue of the actual name, but the fact that at 2 weeks they are already telling you how to bring up your child. If you give in to this request, what else are they going to be telling you to do? I think your DH needs to nip this in the bud by telling them to keep out. It is hard enough making decisions when it only involves the opinions of you, DH and later on the children, without involving extended family members.

It can be very hard to have a relationship with someone who still does what their parents tell them to do. I think you should be laying some ground rules with your DH now about parental interference.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 13/05/2009 06:55

From the OP it sounds like the GP have accepted it and have wondered if there surname can be the middle name.

"I for one would be very upset as DH1 died far too young-the only thing he left was his memory and his name. If a DIL, who never knew him, was to come along and reject that name it would be very upsetting for DS, me and DS's grandparents."

Whilst I can see what you are saying what happens if the DIL is in the same position? The only child of parents who have died.

I am not sure why there has to be a convention.

BonsoirAnna · 13/05/2009 06:56

This has absolutely nothing to do with your PILs and you shouldn't consider their opinion for a second.

piscesmoon · 13/05/2009 07:30

I find it very strange that you are clinging to a name which was your father's name! It would make a bit more sense if you were clinging to your mother's name.

BonsoirAnna · 13/05/2009 07:35

Since, until recently, all legitimate children could only receive their father's surname, there is nothing odd about that! It is a recent development to be able to choose one's surname.

SoupDragon · 13/05/2009 07:48

I suspect your DP wasn't quite as happy with the decision as you thought. He may have agreed with all the practical reasons but I bet part of him didn't want to let his name go.

Second middle name will work fine - very common.

SoupDragon · 13/05/2009 07:50

The PIL aren't telling them how to bring up their child! They're registering their disappointment that their family name has been ditched.

jellybeans · 13/05/2009 07:58

I often wish I had kept my maiden name as not keen on ILs and also DH surname is not even that of his Dad, his mum changed it to her new partner. Anyway I don't worry much over it, it's just a name.

DD did have my surname before we married, though, as if we split I wanted the same name as DD since I would be the main carer. Think MIL was peed off but who cares.

Anyway YANBU.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/05/2009 09:42

I'd be concerned that anyone else other than me or DH thought they had a say in the naming of my child, be it first name or family name. I'm so glad my parents know what is their business and what is not.

Grandparents are to be cherished? Well, that very much depends on the grandparents, doesn't it?

heather1980 · 13/05/2009 10:01

whilst i agree that how you name your child should be your decision alone, how does the name sit with the other names you have picked?
is it really worth the fall out if you don't use it?
i agree you will never use the name anyway, in fact the only time you will use the name is when your dd has been naughty and you shout at her.

roulade · 13/05/2009 10:12

Call me old fashioned but i don't understand why anyone would have a child with somebody they were not prepared to marry!
FWIW When i first got married i really didn't want to lose my surname as i felt i was losing my identity so i double barrelled it, my son has my husbands surname and over the years ( only 5 ) i have stopped using my surname altogether and use my husbands as i realised it really did not matter!

paranoidmother · 13/05/2009 10:47

Just to try and lighten the situation a bit as I feel that stress levels are rising again. Why don't you give DC a dfferent surname and then in a years time change it to which ever you've decided on yours or your DP's. You are allowed to do this I think, but would have to pay. That way it's totally different to either of yours.

Gala · 13/05/2009 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsHighwater · 13/05/2009 11:07

Wouldn't there be a lot less indignation and hot temper in threads on MN if people resisted the temptation to project their issues with their own IL's onto someone else's situation?

The OP's IL's have every right to express an opinion about the use, or non-use, of their name. They don't have the right to engage in emotional blackmail but it doesn't sound to me as though they are doing that. The OP's DP is the one who is wavering and I bet it's because he wasn't as sold on the idea of dropping his family name as the OP first thought.

I don't regard the taking of the husband's name as representing patriarchal dominance. Nor was taking my husband's name was "random", it was me adopting my husband's name when we married and became a new family unit. It does not make me his chattel or his possession - it denotes our belonging to one another. It is convention in this country, as it is in many others. I think a couple contemplating going against it should both be quite committed to the idea, otherwise resentment can be the result.

MsHighwater · 13/05/2009 11:08

Gala, what a dreadful pessimistic thing to say!

QuintessentialShadows · 13/05/2009 11:13

I actually agree with Gala, as long as you are not married you dont have to even have his family name as a middle name.

SJisontheway · 13/05/2009 11:13

It doesn't sound to me like PIL have behaved inappropriately. There's been no metion of stomping feet, making demands, cutting anyone off. Sounds like they just expressed how they felt to their son, and on reflection he agrees with them.

Gala · 13/05/2009 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valleysprincess · 13/05/2009 11:27

YABU. A child is part of a wider family, she doesn't just belong to you

Mspontipine · 13/05/2009 11:30

Well said valleysprincess

BonsoirAnna · 13/05/2009 11:30

"YABU. A child is part of a wider family, she doesn't just belong to you"

That assertion is - from a modern legal perspective - quite wrong .