To think PIL should not phone to "put their disappointment about surname on record" making DP change his mind?

[steppes]

DD is 2 weeks old, DP and I spent a while mulling over surname as his is a bit difficult to spell and just not a nice sounding name, and mine goes better with her first name. A few months ago he wanted his surname and I didn't think I could change his mind so didn't try, but recently he decided he didn't mind either way and we decided to use mine for practical reasons more than anything.

He told PIL who responded with their disappointment and how they'd been led to believe we'd be using their name (not true) and how about using it as a second middle name? Other middle name is my (and my mum's) middle name, DP's family have no female name passed on like this.

It was a phone conversation in which DP and they got very emotional and he was very angry, we've been having a hard time with feeding baby and worried and stressed as well as tired from the normal first baby experience.

Now a few days on and he's saying he's coming round to thinking he would like to use his surname as a middle name, as PIL suggest. AIBU to be very cross about this? We made a decision together after quite a bit of consideration and I hate feeling like we've been badgered into changing our minds, and I'm angry with PIL for causing a disagreement between DP and me now, especially when they know damn well all the stress we've felt already. I don't want to change our decision but feel I have no choice as DP will now be unhappy if I don't.

Ah, but you've suggested that it's important to you to use your family name as a first middle name for your dd - you can see how they might hope for their own family name to be used. And how it just not sounding nice might not seem to be a great argument to them, especially as they are merely suggesting that it's tucked away as a second middle name rather than proudly on display and they, and your DP, carry it.

I have gone generations back with my family and I think it is sad not to follow convention. It gives no sense of history.
If you are going against convention-to be fair, I think you should use DPs surname if you have a second DC.

We decided for DC1 that we would have a middle name from DHs family if it were a boy and a middle name from my family if it were a girl. DS1 turned up so was given same middle name as DH, it was DHs decision which name from his family he chose. When expecting DC2 it was going to be a middle name from my family whatever the gender. So DS2 has got my Grandfathers name as his middle name.

Not that it helps OP with her dilemma, but thought you might like you hear how we chose our names.

Best of luck with the in-laws
xx

My surname is hard to pronounce, and hard to spell but there is no way i wouldn't use it for my ds's/

I wanted to use my surname as part of my DCs names but didn't want double barrelled, and I also wanted to retain the use of my surname after marriage.

So I am known as Mrs Shelling Peas
DH is Mr Peas
DS is He's Never Shelling Peas
DD is She's Forever Shelling Peas

The Shelling bit almost never get used for DCs except on passports and bank accounts. It made me happy, my parents happy and DH's family happy.

I can totally understand how irritated you feel that your PIL have got such a nerve as to stick their noses in your business. Sounds like they laid the emotional stuff on pretty thick to your DP.

And how that make you feel like you should stick to your guns even more with regard to your original name choices. It would make me feel that perhaps they would start to think they have a say in other stuff that I as an adult and a parent have to decide. I've been there!

But don't let your anger with your PIL make you stubborn in this.

Think about what your DH is requesting. Is it really so bad? If you still feel it is, then discuss it again in a week when you've definitely calmed down and can put your case across calmly and more convincingly.

And be firm with those relatives. Some family members really do think it's their place to put their wishes before those of the parents!

Shellingpeas does that mean that both your children have the same middle name?

If so then

PHEW

I am not the only person to have done that!

I am one of 4 daughters to a man who had 3 sisters and no brothers. The surname dies out with me and my sisters. So both my sons have it as a middle name which they can double barrel later in life if they wish.

But inlaws think its WIERD giving them the same name.

end of hijack.

OP, you are very keen for your family tradition name, so can't you understand that your inlaws might be keen for their name to be included?

Or am I the only traditionalist - it just didn't occur to me to even wonder which of our names the dc's would have. They just have dps name.

So I think you have got off lightly with them only wanting you to give it as a 2nd middle name - many inlaws (and dps) would be kicking up a huge fuss if the child didn't have her father's surname whether or not it sounds nice.

It's not asking that much when coming from DP, but thing is we came to a decision between us and he was happy with that and is only now changing his mind because of inlaws' input, and I don't think it is right for them to interfere. My parents would never have made it their business to comment, they know better

Like JoeJoe1977 we also had DP's middle name lined up for if we'd had a boy.

Poor you. it is so hard with a 2 week old baby that is like the last thing you need! My ex-FIL was very 'proud' to have a grandson with his name (an kind of heh, that my kids are not known with that name anymore!). Some people are incredibly funny about the name carrying on, I work in a family history business and some people actually do not understand that their female ancestors are just as equal in terms of DNA as the male ones, a lot think it all revolves around the name, and that really bugs me! I think they ought to learn there are more important things in life, AND that they don't get away with moaning and managing to stick their oar into your life. (Sorry, bitter about having vile EX PIL!)

They aren't interfering, they are giving their (strong) opinion and he is changing his mind in response to that. That's quite normal, and right. That's how we ALL make decisions!

this may be one time where I need to blow off a little steam to them about the way they spoke to DP

This will make you sound quite, quite mad. Talk to your husband! It's really nothing to do with you how they speak to him!!

I dunno about mad, just feel it might be good to have a bit of open honest conversation for once not have to be all smiles when that's not how I feel. Prob best to keep the status quo though.

Actually I think (against the grain) YABU, your DC will have YOUR surname I don't think it is too much to ask for you to use your DP surname as a middle name whatever you may think of it. And actually he has changed his mind before as you said he wanted his surname originally.

we used my maiden name as middle name for ds1 and my mum in laws maiden name for ds2 middle name

Steppes - what you two decided in the privacy of your own home without any input from othe parties is bound to be heavily influenced by your obviously strong feelings about the matter. I get the feeling that perhaps your dp agreed to go along with what you wanted as you are the one who felt strongly about it?

But once he had the opportunity to see the response that the decision provoked in other people (his parents)he began to change his mind.

Sounds normal to me - it's very common to make decisions and then change your mind.

Remember it is your dp who has changed his mind - the PIL have just expressed an opinion albeit strongly - expressing an opinion isn't always interfering.

If you want to stick to your guns do so - just tell your dp it's your decison not a joint one - because tbh you don't sound willing to let him have a different view to yours!

Names are very important - you don't like his name. So don't use it.

I don't make my decisions based on other people's opinions, however strong they may be.

I agree with Libra. YABU.

I think YABU too. Cannot be fun for PIL to be told that you don't want their surname for your child because it doesn't sound nice enough. What if your DP (sounds like he wouldn't dare) didn't like your surname? Sounds like you made a decision and he went along with it for a quiet life, but now has had second thoughts.

Your ILs, presumably, are entitled to have an opinion about it and your DP is, it seems, merely reconsidering his view after hearing theirs. Perhaps he wasn't as comfortable with not using his name as you thought.

I also find it odd that you find your family middle name (which is actually only 2 generations) more important then their surname. I think it is a nice compromise, your surname and theirs as middle name but you seem determined to get your own way.

But then I don't get this whole objection to taking your husband's surname (or giving your children your partner's surname) anyway. Your surname is presumably your father's surname, is that not patriachal dominance anyway? Or is your patriachal dominance so it's OK?

hmm georgimama I resisted taking my DH surname not because of any patriachal domninance but becasue my surname was me IYSWIM. Not saying that's the OP reason but there are other reasons.

I have to say I completely disagree with those posters who say the OPs PIL are entitled to express their opinion on their decision about naming their child. Nobody has the right to exercise emotional blackmail over a decision that is not their to make.
My PIL went ballistic when they found DC1 was having our names double-barrelled. They had been quite offended that I hadn't changed my name to theirs on marriage - AS IF - and clearly assumed I would snap out of it when we had children.
We had horrible letters. We had emotional phone calls where they threatened to disinherit DH. We had his siblings phoning to plead with him to change his mind. PIL even wrote to my parents and asked them to interfere (my parents were outraged).
In the end to placate them we rearranged the order in which we double-barrelled the names. They spent the first year of DD1's life trying to find new ways of controlling interfering and generally making us feel crap about every parenting decision we made.
So I totally sympathise with you OP. However, the difference was that DH was just as adamant as I was that we were not backing down. If your DP really wants his surname as a middle name, I think you should agree to it because it is important to him, just as you would expect him to agree if it were the other way around. Don't think of it as giving in to your PIL, but coming to a joint decision with your DP>

Georgimama that patriarchal dominance argument is a complete red herring. First of all, the reason many of us keep our surnames is because however we originally got it, it is the name we have lived with all our lives and has therefore formed our identity. Changing it is like saying you are becoming a different person. What's all that about?
Secondly, because I have made the decision not to change my name, my children have both our names so they can choose whether to inflict patriarchal dominance, matriarchal dominance or a mixture of both on their children! You have to break the cycle somewhere.

It's not my red herring, it's an argument against taking your husband's surname I've seen advanced many many times, particularly on MN.

You don't have to "break the cycle" anywhere, and as I said, your surname is your father's surname, so it's just another man "imposing" his surname on you, if that's your issue. I don't have a problem with it, I just think (as so often happens) the OP assumed that her partner agreed with her because he didn't protest earlier. Not necessarily the case.

But MY issue is not whose the surname was in the first place, but the fact that I am expected to change it to some other random surname in the middle of my life for no obvious or sensible reason.