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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not approve of DD's new boyfriend?

63 replies

needanap · 12/05/2009 11:09

I know you're all going to tell me IABU but I need to vent my feelings.
My DD is in her first year at Uni. She also has a part time job in a fast food place where she met her current boyfriend. They have been together for 4 months and she is besotted.

I've never even met him but I feel he is unsuitable, mainly because he works in fast food (I know, I know, flame me now ) but also because he has no A levels or equivalent. I don't want to disrespect him but he is 24 and my DD is only 19. As far as I know he is her first boyfriend.

I don't want to come across as an appalling snob...although I know I am....It's just I wanted someone wonderful for my DD!

AIBU?

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 12/05/2009 11:11

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bran · 12/05/2009 11:13

Some of the attraction of many of my boyfriends was how annoying my parents would find them. DH was one of the ones they liked the least (although by the time we got married they did like him a lot).

slushy06 · 12/05/2009 11:14

I can see why you would wan't someone wonderful for your daughter. She probably sees something really special in this boy that you don't. Trust her. Try to be supportive This boy may have personal reasons for why he hasn't got a-levels yet. You certainly should not judge him.

bran · 12/05/2009 11:15

Forgot to say YAN necessarily BU to not like him, YABU if you think you have any say at all in your DD's choices.

VinegarTits · 12/05/2009 11:17

How do you know he is isnt wonderful?

You havent even met him or does being rich/academic/from good breeding = wonderful

busterk · 12/05/2009 11:18

Speaking as someone with experience working in 'fast food' does give you a great social life as you tend to be working with lots of people of a similar age. So maybe your dd is just enjoying this.

There is nothing to say this will last long term. You have to let her do her own thing.

I feel you are being very snobby with respect to people who work in fast food. This type of attitude really bugs me. I work in fast food (albeit at management level) I have a degree.
At least the people employed in this industry are working.

BitOfFun · 12/05/2009 11:19

Agree with the Tits- some real waster nobboids hang put at universities these days...

Original poster
needanap · 12/05/2009 11:20

VinegarTits...I don't know he isn't wonderful! And being rich doesn't make you wonderful (hell, I'm not rich!) and I wouldn't want to comment on his breeding! And I didn't mean to imply that academic success makes you a better person, but... I don't know.

I am ashamed of my opinions of him! I just can't shake them!

OP posts:
laweaselmys · 12/05/2009 11:22

You know you are being ridiculous right?

I know plenty of wankers with degrees would you really be more pleased if your DD was going out with one of them?

flowerybeanbag · 12/05/2009 11:22

Of course YABU not to approve of someone you have never even met.

If your DD knows about your prejudices that might go some way to explaining her choice of boyfriend, see bran's example.

Chances are she's not going to end up marrying him anyway.

SoupDragon · 12/05/2009 11:22

I thought it was obligatory for you not to approve of your daughter's boyfriend.

redskyatnight · 12/05/2009 11:22

Hmm, you must be a clone of my parents.

They disliked my boyfriend (now DH) on the sole basis that he had no A levels or a degree. Completely failed to look at him as a person or see what he HAS achieved.

The told me they thought he wasn't good enough for me on the A levels thing. That was the beginning of the end of any relationship I had with them. They also made no effort to hide their disapproval from DH, which means he has now given up being more than civil to them and family visists are a trial.

He's her first boyfriend, she is 19. She has plenty of time to work out for herself what is important to her. And just maybe it isn't someone who has A levels, but that doesn't make them a bad person ...

VinegarTits · 12/05/2009 11:24

You never know, maybe one day he may own a chain of fast food resturants

Whats your idea of wonderful then? obviously someone who doesnt work in a fast food for a start

Original poster
needanap · 12/05/2009 11:25

Laweaselmys, yes, I know I am being ridiculous.
And everything you all say is true. But I just still can't make myself approve. Perhaps no one would be good enough!

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 12/05/2009 11:26

How do you know he isn't wonderful? She is besotted so there must be something pretty wonderful about him, no?

I think it's crazy how we all demand that young people are sensible and far-sighted enough to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives and to go about getting there. He might just have not found his aim in life yet.

But I wouldn't worry. There's plenty of time for it all to come to a grinding halt

FioFio · 12/05/2009 11:28

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FioFio · 12/05/2009 11:29

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laweaselmys · 12/05/2009 11:30

Is it because it seems unambitious to work in fast food at 24? If you stick around they actually have great career paths.

Because, actually I can sort of imagine feeling a bit like that in your position (wanting DD to go out with somebody educated to the same level, so they had more in common to get them past the lust!) but I worked in a similarish job, and I met some of the greatest people there, so I also see how easy it could be to fall in love with a bloke I worked with! Hence the no-judging.

Maybe you should meet him. I bet he's lovely.

mumblechum · 12/05/2009 11:31

I really think you should meet him sometime. You may be surprised.

ajandjjmum · 12/05/2009 11:31

needanap
You are not being ridiculous in wanting what's best for your dd - and on the basis that you haven't met the bf, you are making judgements on the little you know - and I would be doing the same!
I would be concerned that although there may be reasons for not doing A levels/degree, by 24 I would have hoped that bf would have been working somewhere other than a fast food restaurant. Having said that - at least he's working - so some brownie point for that!
Can you get to meet him, because it may ease your mind?

TheGreatScootini · 12/05/2009 11:31

They've only been going out 4 months.Its not that likely to last on balance anyway.

I would beware of writing people off becuase of their background though.The Chief Exec of McDonalds started as a crew member.Hes not doing bad for himself.
My DH also started as a crew member.He also went to uni.He is now an accountant for the golden arches, but he got there via working in stores-working his way up to store manager then being seconded to head office-he has never used his degree once-all that that left him with was a beer belly and alot of debt.
Why is it OK for your daughter to work in fast food and not her boyfriend.Lots of couples meet at work...

Of course no one will ever be good enough.Your her Mother!But you must bite your tongue.Otherwise she will resent you for it.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 12/05/2009 11:33

I think it's probably that you can't bear the thought of your darling baby girl having an actual boyfriend, so you have kind of fixated on the fact that he must be a shambling greasy ketchup-drenched member of the underclass, because no mere man would be good enough for her anyway.

YABU but it's understandable, I think most parents go through it when their DC first start dating. Your feelings are OK, but please don't let your DD find out about them.

slug · 12/05/2009 11:44

He has a job. He supports himself. By implication he is responsible and has a work ethic. She could do a lot worse.

FioFio · 12/05/2009 11:46

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motherlovebone · 12/05/2009 11:47

yab normal i think.
but dont stand in their way, it will weld them together.

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