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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not approve of DD's new boyfriend?

63 replies

needanap · 12/05/2009 11:09

I know you're all going to tell me IABU but I need to vent my feelings.
My DD is in her first year at Uni. She also has a part time job in a fast food place where she met her current boyfriend. They have been together for 4 months and she is besotted.

I've never even met him but I feel he is unsuitable, mainly because he works in fast food (I know, I know, flame me now ) but also because he has no A levels or equivalent. I don't want to disrespect him but he is 24 and my DD is only 19. As far as I know he is her first boyfriend.

I don't want to come across as an appalling snob...although I know I am....It's just I wanted someone wonderful for my DD!

AIBU?

OP posts:
BradfordMum · 12/05/2009 11:54

Until you've met him and got to know him, you are being very very unreasonable.
My brother left school with no exams. He now drives a Porsche, has numerous properties and makes a LOT of money. He also happens to be a really nice guy.

Stop being so judgey, and get off your butt and go meet the guy.

MissSunny · 12/05/2009 12:01

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StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 12/05/2009 12:11

AT least he has a job, they're increasingly hard to find. Where i work we just had over 80 applicants for a cleaner's job - a high proportion of applicants had degrees. Your DD may find she can't get a "high level" of job when she finishes uni.

YorkshireRose · 12/05/2009 12:14

Is the relationship serious? If no, not really an issue.

If it is serious, can you meet him? Cannot judge what kind of person he is if you do not know him!

As other posters have said, he may not be rich but at least he is working!

MissSunny · 12/05/2009 12:15

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FioFio · 12/05/2009 12:39

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Divineintervention · 12/05/2009 12:42

If it is her first bf it is unlikely to last. Presumably your DD will graduate and grow, chase a career and leave her bf behind.

YorkshireRose · 12/05/2009 12:53

Maybe she will, maybe she won't. But are you saying that the BF is unsuitable because he works in FF place, Divine, but not to worry as DD will soon forget about him?

That is unfair as he could be a great bloke but no-one knows as OP has not met him!

He IS holding down a very demanding job, shows he is not afraid of work. An honest, hard working attitude is much more important than having lots of qualifications.

Some of the biggest wasters I have ever met had degrees coming out of their ears (perpetual students, couldn't face getting a real job!)

Divineintervention · 12/05/2009 12:54

Well the point is it's not really likely to last so not to worry, rightly or wrongly.

YorkshireRose · 12/05/2009 12:58

I guess so, Divine, but one day the DD will have a serious BF and I hope OP will judge him on what is important.

Having said that, my DD is years away from this and DH says she cannot have a boyfriend until she is at least 35!

mumeeee · 12/05/2009 13:00

YABU. Just because he works in a fast food place and doesn't have any A levels does not mean he isn't a nice person. I some people who are great academically but do not know how to treat others and are generally not very nice people.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 12/05/2009 14:13

Honestly. You are being a ridiculous snob. I have a degree but none of my brothers do. The youngest two work as a waiter and a bakery assistant in Sainsbury's. They are both responsible, intelligent and financially solvent (Far more than me and they are 8 and 10 years younger than me). 2 of my brothers don't have A levels either but they are both profoundly intelligent and more to the point, kind, generous, and brilliant young men. I tell you this to illustrate that you can't tell what 'kind' of person he is from his education or job, NOR what 'kind' of family he comes from. You have no idea how ambitious he is, and at 24 he is not an inappropriate age for your daughter.

Probably nobody would be good enough for her though, so I'll cut you a little slack on that front, but otherwise - get over it, and sharpish.

lowenergylightbulb · 12/05/2009 14:34

I think he sounds like a good bet. It's jolly sensible these days (IMHO) to get yourself on a financial even keel rather than get yourself into loads of debt at uni - and really for what benefit?

There might be all sorts of reasons why he's not got a-levels etc - but as long as he's a nice guy and she loves him does it really matter?

Fimbo · 12/05/2009 14:37

Places like MacDonalds are actually likely to survive the recession as more and more people are turning to those types of restaurants as it costs less (according to the news).

2rebecca · 12/05/2009 14:41

He wouldn't be my ideal choice of boyfriend for my daughter either, but I wouldn't get involved or take it too seriously. I had several boyfriends my parents wouldn't have approved of when I was in my late teens/early 20s. I didn't tend to mention them to my parents though as I knew they'd fuss. Most of us end up with partners our parents do approve of though, also if your child is sensible they usually can spot good partners even if they don't have much money etc.
My sister left school at 16 with minimal qualifications and is now successful. Some people flourish in the job market rather than in academia.

lockets · 12/05/2009 14:45

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spokette · 12/05/2009 14:47

My friend married a guy with no qualifications but he works. They have now separated because she is embarrassed that he works in catering and she thinks he has no ambition. The fact that he is really nice guy, is prepared to work 6 days a week and looks after his daughter when he can means nothing. He is better off without her.

YABVVVVVU.

pinkstarfish · 12/05/2009 15:51

FGS not only are you being totally U, but you also being very judgmental I mean at least meet the poor lad before deciding he's not good enough for you daughter.

One of my ex boyf has a degree as well as a string of other qualifications and he really was a vile person, selfish, arrogant, rude and a generally nasty piece of work who in the end, treated me very badly. My DH however has none, but is the most loving and kind man you could ever meet and not to mention a wonderful father to our children.

So yes, YAB very U, to the point you've made me feel rather to be honest to see that some people can pass bad judgment so easily.

Original poster
needanap · 13/05/2009 17:15

Of course you're all right! I did need to be told all of this. I do, however, think some of you have created things that I have not said and run with them.
I don't judge people who are willing to graft and work- a job is a job. I am concerned about a lack of ambition, although I realised I have no right to judge this boy's choices. My DH has no qualifications either but the difference (as I see it) is that he forged himself a career.

'You are being a snob based on qualifications and have not taken the time to meet this man even'

I am being a snob. I have, however, invited him out to dinner. My daughter lives in a different city but when I went to visit I invited him out with us as well. My DD declined the offer.

OP posts:
Katie098 · 14/05/2009 11:10

YABU and judgemental. Meet him first with an open mind and then decide what you think of him. Just because he is not educated to your standard does not mean he is not 'wonderful'.

ajandjjmum · 14/05/2009 11:26

Interesting needanap that your dd didn't want him to join you for dinner. Wonder if he is maybe 'just a boyfriend' to her, rather than something more serious?

YorkshireRose · 14/05/2009 12:40

I does seem that your DD is probably not that serious about him if she declined invitation. Just leave the invite open for the future and leave it at that.

2rebecca · 14/05/2009 15:20

I rarely wanted my parents to meet my boyfriends, nothing to do with how serious they were, I just didn't want to have any bloke assessed as potential husband and didn't want pleasant meals with my parents to turn into Q&A sessions. I rarely met any of my boyfriends parents. Different if you decide to live with someone.

cory · 14/05/2009 15:55

agree with 2rebecca

surely it is up to your dd to go out with blokes on her own, and then eventually decide who she might want to bring into the family

she is a young adult, you know

not your job to keep breathing down her neck

ajandjjmum · 15/05/2009 08:51

There's a difference Cory between caring and breathing down someone's neck. I think needanap would be a pretty poor mum is she didn't think about what was best for her dd.

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