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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go into work (again) ?? dh thinks AIBU

117 replies

mosschops30 · 10/05/2009 19:11

My father has been in a coma now for 2 weeks after attempting suicide.
All treatment was withdrawn on Tuesday, they dont think he will carry on much longer and my mum says tonight he seems much worse, they have increased his morphine to keep him comfortable.

I have had 2 weeks off so far, one week compassionate leave and last week I took as sick, my doctor has said she will sign me off for as long as I need.

dh thinks I should be going back to work tomorrow but I just cant face it. I cant go in and be jolly and reassuring to people (which is a major part of my job) whilst all the time waiting for 'that' phonecall.

WWYD?? I do feel bad, although no one is needed to replace me as I am still a trainee, but my boss has been so supportive that I feel I should go in.

OP posts:

TheArmadillo · 10/05/2009 19:14

don't go in if you are not up to it.

It's one thing if it would take your mind off and help but if it won't then don't go.

Hassled · 10/05/2009 19:14

Ignore your DH. He's being a twat. Take off as much time as your GP will sign you off for - if ever there was a time to be off work, this is it.

I'm bloody livid he can be quite so insensitive - does he have an imagination? Just do what you want to do in teh circumstances - sorry you're going through this.

coolma · 10/05/2009 19:14

Good grief, no way should you go in. What a ridiculous idea. You're not in a fit state, and should not be expected to.

So so sorry about your dad btw. How awful.

HappyMummyOfOne · 10/05/2009 19:15

Its going to be hard going back whenever you do so your DH may be right in you going back rather than just delaying.

If your a trainee, a bad sickness record may go against you so your DH may also be thinking about that aspect as well.

It may take your mind off things if your busy.

Sorry about your dad.

RumourOfAHurricane · 10/05/2009 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mosschops30 · 10/05/2009 19:20

really so do you think I should go in?

I work for the NHS so sickness records go on episodes rather than length. If I go in tomorrow then have the rest of the week off sick due to dad dying then it counts as 2 episodes IYKWIM.

Not sure what to do now

OP posts:

pointydog · 10/05/2009 19:21

agree with happymummy, but am sorry to hear about yoru dad

Thunderduck · 10/05/2009 19:21

I couldn't and wouldn't go back under those circumstances.

pointydog · 10/05/2009 19:21

would you be 'off sick'? Wouldn't it be something else for a close family funeral?

Nancy66 · 10/05/2009 19:22

I think you would be perfectly entitled to take the time off - you have suffered a very traumatic event.

what are your employers like? Are they understanding? If they are then take the time off - if they're a bit sniffy then maybe offer to take it as holiday.

Boys2mam · 10/05/2009 19:22

YANBU.

Its only (I know it must seem like much longer but I mean this in a supportive way) been 2 wks and if work are being supportive then I see no reason to rush back.

If things are deteriorating (sp) then you should be there, for your Mum too.

I'm so sorry for you and your family.

oxocube · 10/05/2009 19:23

How terribly sad. Of course you should not go to work until you feel ready and if that is weeks/months from now, then so be it. My father means the world to me and I can't imagine how I would cope with his imminent death, esp under such tragic circumstances. Am very sorry for you all.

TigerFeet · 10/05/2009 19:23

I would stay off. I can't imagine being able to work in such circumstances. I'm so very sorry that you're going through this.

RumourOfAHurricane · 10/05/2009 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mosschops30 · 10/05/2009 19:27

Its the NHS so they have policies and as long as I am abiding by those (which I am) they cant do anything like sack me. But on a personal level my manager has been very supportive and unconvinced of my return to work (when I spoke to him friday he didnt say anything when I said I was going to try and retufn on monday), im very grateful to him because its been one less thing to worry about.

No if I went back and then took time off again it would have to be sick or annual leave, Ive already had 5 days compassionate leave which I think is the max per year (although I may be wrong).

Im just not sure that 'being busy' will 'take my mind off it'. Im quite shocked that some of you think so. If someone sawed my leg off without anaesthetic it wouldnt take my mind off it!

IKWYM boys2mam, I had 2 weeks off for flu last year, which is nothing compared to what Im going through now.

OP posts:

Paolosgirl · 10/05/2009 19:27

If you work for the NHS, then you will have special leave available as well - why not speak to HR or your manager and see what else is available if you're concerned about the sickness episodes showing up.

Only you know how you would cope - it sounds as if you've had a horrendous time. Be gentle on yourself, and if you feel as if you would be able to immerse yourself in work and get through it that way then go in. If you think you'd spend the whole time in tears (as I would do) then stay at home and to hell with the sickness record.

So sorry for you all.

Northernlurker · 10/05/2009 19:28

DON'T GO IN!!

I work in a hospital too and when my gramps died I went to work as normal. It absolutely killed me seeing the patients coming and going, couples of his age just made me think of what we'd lost and of my nan. It was dreadfully hard because basically everything I saw and did reminded me of our loss. After the funeral it was ok - like my shell had grown back. I think I remember where you work - it's pretty high pressure stuff isn't it? Don't go in - it will hurt you too much.

Northernlurker · 10/05/2009 19:31

Oh and re leave. It should be taken as sick leave and though that's 'counted', it's not regarded in the same way 'sickness' is iyswim. If you were applying for a job with me I would just expect you to say x days sick after sudden death of parent and that wouldn't count against you in any way.

tiredemma · 10/05/2009 19:31

I wouldnt go in- I know that my mind would be elsewhere and I would be a liability.

Surfermum · 10/05/2009 19:32

Another NHS bod here, and I wouldn't go in either.

So sorry about your dad .

hannahsaunt · 10/05/2009 19:33

I can't imagine that anyone would be expecting to see you under the circumstances. A colleague of mine struggled in in the midst of a desperately difficult family situation - we let her stay long enough to have a good cry and sent her home again with our line manager telling her (in the nicest possible way!) to not darken the door again until all was well at home AND she was well (in herself) too.

LaDiDaDi · 10/05/2009 19:36

I wouldn't go in.

NormaSknockers · 10/05/2009 19:40

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.

I wouldn't go back yet either, from your OP I think you need more time & need to be with your family right now.

It sounds like your boss is very supportive, I think as long as you keep talking to him & continue to follow the procedure wrt leave (ie being signed off by your GP) I see no reason to worry about returning right now.

I agree with tiredemma.

GentlyDoesIt · 10/05/2009 19:41

YANBU, don't go in.

Firstly, you need to be gentle with yourself at a time like this, instead of beating yourself up. That's exactly why your manager was unconvinced about you coming back this week - sounds like a very good person to work with.

Secondly, if reassuring people is part of your NHS job, you probably won't be up to it. I'm sure you are fantastic at your job in normal circumstances and even under very great pressure. This does not count as "very great pressure." This counts as one of the very few times in your life when you should put the daily grind completely on hold.

I am very sorry to hear about your Dad. Take care of yourself.

FabulousBakerGirl · 10/05/2009 19:42

What do you want to do?

Why does your DH want you to go in?

I am so sorry about your Dad. How is your Mum doing?

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