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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go into work (again) ?? dh thinks AIBU

117 replies

mosschops30 · 10/05/2009 19:11

My father has been in a coma now for 2 weeks after attempting suicide.
All treatment was withdrawn on Tuesday, they dont think he will carry on much longer and my mum says tonight he seems much worse, they have increased his morphine to keep him comfortable.

I have had 2 weeks off so far, one week compassionate leave and last week I took as sick, my doctor has said she will sign me off for as long as I need.

dh thinks I should be going back to work tomorrow but I just cant face it. I cant go in and be jolly and reassuring to people (which is a major part of my job) whilst all the time waiting for 'that' phonecall.

WWYD?? I do feel bad, although no one is needed to replace me as I am still a trainee, but my boss has been so supportive that I feel I should go in.

OP posts:

IwoulddoDrWho · 10/05/2009 20:59

Being pregnant is another reason to take some time. You need to look after yourself. You know you don't want to go in. Do it for the baby if not for you. I would have thought 2 kids and job and pregnancy was enough for anyone, but throw in sudden and stressful situation and you have ample reason to take time off. I would allow your GP to sign you off for a month then work knows where they are, and you are not constantly worrying about it, and re-assess at the end of that time, possibly taking some more.

HomeintheSun · 10/05/2009 20:59

Would he want to go in if it was his father. You need to look after yourself and your baby and do what you feel is best. I lost my father suddenly 20 years ago when I was 12 and then when I was about 22 my step father was dying (we weren't at all close) I went to work the next day knowing that he would die, I still couldn't really focus on work as I was waiting for that call. You need to be where you feel is right and don't let anyone pressure you into anything else. Sending you big hugs.

unfitmother · 10/05/2009 21:04

Don't go in, you may be able to negotiate it as special leave or annual leave if you're worried about your sick record.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 10/05/2009 21:23

Agree with all the rest- Mosschops you need to look after you and your dc's first....

And be there to help your mum.

So sorry to hear you are having to deal with this.

Think DH needs to back off a little, and accept that you will need time to grieve. Working in a high pressure critical care environment, is not what is best for YOU atm.

TheYearOfTheCat · 10/05/2009 21:41

Mosschops, Sorry to hear of your situation.

The very fact that there has been a unanimous thread on AIBU, speaks volumes; you really need to focus on yourself, your baby, your DC and your parents at this awfully difficult time.

Looking at it from another perspective - with the greatest sincerity and respect, I wouldn't want you to be putting me under at the moment.

I hope things work out for you.

FabulousBakerGirl · 11/05/2009 08:02

Take no notice of DHs face.

You do what is best for you.

Will you be phoning your Mum today?

OrmIrian · 11/05/2009 08:11

BTW - I didnt say before but I am really sorry about your dad. I think simply coping with that reality would be enough

Your DH sounds as if he wants things to get back to 'normal' asap because he can't cope with it. But he needs to learn to do so. Do what you need to do.

Original poster

mosschops30 · 11/05/2009 11:33

Lol at yearofthecat , yes I wouldnt want to be doing anything clinical, yesterday I set a tea towel on fire fgs!!!

Thank you all for such lovely supportive posts. I didnt go in, have spoken to my manager who was again so wonderful and told me to take as long as I need and said how sorry he was for what was happening and that work is just work and family comes first.

I have phoned the hospital this morning, and spoke to a lovely nurse who me and mum have latched on to I suppose. She said Dad is comfortable, and that they have increased his morphine again this morning. I know now that it will probably be the morphine that will kill him but I just want his death to be quick and pain free, he wouldnt want to be holding on like this I know

Once again thank you, this thread has become just a nice little haven for me to come to and tell people whats happening as I dont seem to be able to do that in RL atm

OP posts:

FabulousBakerGirl · 12/05/2009 08:16

How are you today, mosschops30?

MadameCheese · 12/05/2009 09:48

Popped in to see how you are mosschops, been thinking of you.

Original poster

mosschops30 · 12/05/2009 11:09

well your two posts made me cry if that gives an indication of how Im feeling Its nice to know someone is thinking of you, thank you

Im ok, still not sleeping great but just trying to relax and not do anything really, am catching up on tv, spending time on MN and trying not to wince everytime the phone rings.
No change at the hospital, he's a stubborn bugger

OP posts:

bellavita · 12/05/2009 11:13

mosschops - just wanted to say I am sorry about your dad. I know this is really hard on you, but you must remember to take care of yourself in all of this.

Sending you a unmn kiss and a cuddle. x

MmeLindt · 12/05/2009 11:15

Just wanted to add to the other posters voices. You are doing the right thing, staying at home.

My mum was a NHS receptionist and I know that they were very understanding when she was off for months with shingles. In fact, they kept sending her home when she struggled into work and told her not to be silly.

Hope your Dad is as comfortable as possible and your Mum is coping.

Look after yourself.

junkcollector · 12/05/2009 12:11

You sound like you're in shock to be honest. Take it easy on yourself. I agree with whoever said to use your instinct. Only go to work if it would help you feel better....Just read the thread again properly...You're pregnant? Seriously take it easy...

junkcollector · 12/05/2009 12:23

Just read your other thread about not being able to speak. You definately need some more time off.

Sunshinemummy · 12/05/2009 12:24

Mosschops am sorry to hear about this. Take care of yourself and your little one.

ProfYaffle · 12/05/2009 12:24

Just wanted to add some more reassurance, I used to work in sickness absence management in the public sector (not nhs tho) and can say a situation like yours would not worry me in the slightest. 3 or 4 weeks not unusual in bereavement circumstances.

Jux · 12/05/2009 12:25

Don't go to work; you're in limbo. It's no surprise you can't deal with real life right now and I'm surprised your dh is behaving like this. He may think it's for the best but I don't agree.

You need to take as much time as poss now and after the inevitable. Don't worry about your holiday either, it's booked and you should take it.

This is a horribly traumatic event and you need a lot more time to come to terms with all of it. It's not like my dad's death which was entirely expected - and that was traumatic enough (and i wasn't pregnant!).

Look after yourself first and foremost.

Original poster

mosschops30 · 12/05/2009 12:44

junkcollector, try reading my other thread about the ante natal testing and then can you get me a van with men in white coats and a commital for at least 3 months

I honestly dont know how Im still here atm!

Thanks profyaffle thats good to hear from a professional pov. I have been signed off now by gp until 25th May, have sent in the notes with a letter to my manager. I do feel like Im doing the right thing now, and dh is realising just how stressed I am (with my inability to speak) he's being pretty good about it, hasnt even mentioned me being off, or what Im doing

OP posts:

mumeeee · 12/05/2009 13:06

Sorry about your Dad.Don't go in. Take your GPs advice and stay off work as long as you feel you need to.

ThePellyandMe · 12/05/2009 13:37

So sorry about your dad. What an awful situation to be in.

You need to take as much time off as you need. That may be alot longer than you think IYSWIM.

IwoulddoDrWho · 12/05/2009 14:05

I am a teacher and whenever I feel guilty about not going in because one of the kids is sick, I think "If everyone put their kids first, the world would be a better place" (and my job would be a lot easier!).

If you were advising someone else you would say "Take your time, put family first" just as your boss has done.

SemperEadem · 12/05/2009 14:23

You are definitely doing the right thing taking more time off.

Crikey, what you are having to dealwith is immense. As an ex HR bod for a large company, I know what I would say if presented with your situation and that would be that you should take as long as you need and that nobody will judge.

ben5 · 12/05/2009 14:29

i would ask to see if i could do some part time. maybe go and see your dad first thing in the morning and then go to work for a couple of hours before going back to your daad. that way you can talk and have something to say to your dad. thay say hearing is one of those things you keep?

Original poster

mosschops30 · 12/05/2009 14:44

ben5, my dad is 200 miles away! neither do I have a job that I can just pop in and out of, maybe you should read thread.

The hospital have just phoned and said that his breathing has changed considerably, my mum is there with him.
She doesnt want me to go racing up, and I dont know what to do. I know that if I go, I could miss him anyway, or he could be like this for another 48 hours, which is another 48 hours from home and away from my family, but then I think maybe he's waiting for me to tell him its ok to let go and that I'll take care of mum
I have just sobbed down the phone to dh, Im so exhausted, I want someone else to do all this, Im tired of being strong, I want to sit under my duvet and cry.
I dont want my mum to have to be there on her own either. All of this is so horrible. I know I will have to go up when he dies to do all the sorting out and help mum, but I dont know if I should go now IYKWIM

OP posts:

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