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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go into work (again) ?? dh thinks AIBU

117 replies

mosschops30 · 10/05/2009 19:11

My father has been in a coma now for 2 weeks after attempting suicide.
All treatment was withdrawn on Tuesday, they dont think he will carry on much longer and my mum says tonight he seems much worse, they have increased his morphine to keep him comfortable.

I have had 2 weeks off so far, one week compassionate leave and last week I took as sick, my doctor has said she will sign me off for as long as I need.

dh thinks I should be going back to work tomorrow but I just cant face it. I cant go in and be jolly and reassuring to people (which is a major part of my job) whilst all the time waiting for 'that' phonecall.

WWYD?? I do feel bad, although no one is needed to replace me as I am still a trainee, but my boss has been so supportive that I feel I should go in.

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 10/05/2009 19:43

Unfortunately my mum and dad are 200 miles away, but I spent almost all the first week there, and went up again this week for 2 days.
Just trying to fit it all in with dc's and dh with work.
Am also pg and exhausted with that alone.
Im sleeping about 10 hours a night at the moment and still tired
In one way I just want it to all be over, and another way I dont if that makes sense.

Thanks for all the advice, support and sympathies

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 10/05/2009 19:45

It makes total sense.

I was the same when my Nana was dying.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 10/05/2009 19:47

I dont know why he wants me to go in.
I really dont want to go in, Im tired, emotional and pretty down.
My mum is good one day, bad the next, Im not sure how shes going to get over what she saw when she found my dad.
Shes worrying about lots of things and even though everything is tied up financially (he was always very careful that she should be provided for), he even left her 3k in cash in case the account was frozen after his death.
me and dh will sort everything out for her, I am better when I have practical stuff to do, its all this emotional stuff I cant deal with

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 10/05/2009 19:48

YANBU
very sorry to hear about your dad

FabulousBakerGirl · 10/05/2009 19:53

Please make the decision now that you are not going in until you feel 100% ready and tell your DH it is your decision.

katiestar · 10/05/2009 19:54

What a hoorible circumstance for you to be in.I am so sorry you are having to go through this.
If the sickness your GP signs you off with is connected to (or exacerbated by ?} your pregnancy, then it can not legally go on your sickness record.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 10/05/2009 19:55

I dont even want to tell him I dont feel up to going in (how sad is that but I just cant do confrontation atm).
I know he'll say 'why, you have to go back sometime' and then I'll feel that Im being over dramatic.

I dont even know why Im bothered, in reality right now I dont give a toss about anything other than looking after the little one inside me, my dc's and just looking after my mum

OP posts:
Kimi · 10/05/2009 19:57

So sorry you are going through this, I think only you will know if going to work tomorrow is the right thing to do.

wotulookinat · 10/05/2009 19:58

YANBU.
So sorry to hear about your dad. You would not be able to do your job properly with this on your mind.

Triggles · 10/05/2009 20:00

I also would factor in the whole idea that if you stay off, it's probably only going to count as one episode, regardless of length, which looks better on your employment record. And if you don't think you're up to working right now, you're better off not there.

wotulookinat · 10/05/2009 20:01

A very good point.

helpYOUiWILL · 10/05/2009 20:05

nhs theatre bod here.

i wouldnt go in. Mind wouldnt be on the job and likely to make an error - not good!!!

Original poster
mosschops30 · 10/05/2009 20:08

helpYOU, I am anaesthetic bod.

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 10/05/2009 20:09

does anyone think 3 weeks is unreasonable? It does feel like a lot.
Also have annual leave booked at end of May which is also concerning me

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 10/05/2009 20:10

No. Don't go in. You'll be no good to anyone IMO and certainly not to yourself.

My manager is struggling atm. His elderly father is recovering from a car crash and now his even more elderly mum who was looking after him has had a major stroke and is in Frenchay. He spends his entire free time ministering to them both. He is so stressed. Last Friday he had a major meltdown, effing and blinding at someone in the middle of the office, basically losing it completely. And he is making mistakes all the time. He should be on comp leave but won't go! Take the GP's sick note and do the sensible thing.

FabulousBakerGirl · 10/05/2009 20:11

Darling, 3 years is fine if that is what you need.

Stop stressing about work and look after yourself.

Bubble bath, early night, choc and magazine in bed and a long sleep.

FabulousBakerGirl · 10/05/2009 20:11
Original poster
mosschops30 · 10/05/2009 20:22

bossy is good

OP posts:
tiredemma · 10/05/2009 20:26

Seriously Mossy- I dont think that you can justify working in such a critical role with so much on your mind.
Its too much for you to deal with.

take the time off.

FabulousBakerGirl · 10/05/2009 20:26
Smile
Original poster
mosschops30 · 10/05/2009 20:35

I have just told dh, he made a face and said he thought I should go in, but said nothing else. I think deep down he knows Im sailing close to the wind right now!

OP posts:
MadameCheese · 10/05/2009 20:43

mosschops30 I'm so sorry to hear about this.

You should not go in, think about yourself and your family, agree your mum and dad need you. These are extraordinary circumstances and should not be classified as sick but compassionate leave and that is at your manager's discretion. He sounds like he's being a brick.

FWIW I was able to take time off work to help my mum look after my nan and my manager was wonderful about it - you need this time, it's really important.

BecauseImWorthIt · 10/05/2009 20:50

YANBU at all. I can't imagine how stressful this must be for you. To be honest, your DH is being a bit of a twat. He must, surely, understand how upsetting and draining this must be for you?

You need to look after yourself, and your unborn baby. And you also need to know that you can, if you need to, jump in the car and drive those 200 miles whenever you need to.

Not very MN, but have some {{{{{hugs}}}} - I fear you need them.

Numberfour · 10/05/2009 20:55

you poor thing. I also agree that you should not go in.

so sorry for you about what has happened.

wombleprincess · 10/05/2009 20:59

dont go in. you will be a wreck. sorry, what an awful thing to happen. my thoughts are with you.