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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: seething at the 'no kids' instruction

156 replies

Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 16:59

Hi there, I have a bit of a family thang going on & need to check if I'm being totally awkward or entirely reasonable before I say anything.

DH's family have a family wedding coming up soon. My in-laws planned to invite the family of the bride over, with all of the extended family, for a big get-together on a weekend day at their house. All good.

Now the plan has changed and instead we're all going out to a local restaurant instead. The kids are NOT invited (they were invited to the do at their house). The expectation is for us to get a babysitter (in laws are picking up the tab at the restaurant.)My children are little, 3 & 5, and I work during the week so I don't really want to leave them with a babysitter to spend a large chunk of a day at a restaurant.

I can see why kids aren't invited (it's not just mine, there's another younger child in the family too)as my two would get bored easily but I'm just a bit miffed. DH has asked me to go, and not kick off but inwardly I'm seething.

Any thoughts/advice? AIBU?

Ta

OP posts:
Paolosgirl · 10/05/2009 21:35

What ARE you talking about KingCanute?! They were originally invited to the do at the house, and then they weren't invited after the venue changed. That's an uninvite in my book.

And smug and self important?! Because......?

Actually - don't bother to answer. I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one, and thank our lucky stars that we don't belong to each others families.

KingCanuteIAm · 10/05/2009 21:38

As i said PG, it is the "OK everyone? " that is smug and self important. Very.

The rest of it, you may be right, I am not saying I am right, I am pointing out that others are not willing to concede that they may be wrong. Smug.

Paolosgirl · 10/05/2009 21:39

Definition of invite: To ask; to request; to bid; to summon; to ask to do some act, or go to some place; esp., to ask to an entertainment or visit; to request the company of; as, to invite to dinner, or a wedding, or an excursion.

Nope - invite does not appear to mean "you're welcome to come if you want until we change to venue and then decide that you are no longer welcome".

YorkshireRose · 10/05/2009 21:42

Hmm think KingCanute is having a bit of a hissy fit!

Best not to encourage her by giving her any more attention!

Have pointed out exact words of OP, can't do any more.If some people want to ignore what the OP actually said can't really help that.

Her post says more about her own attitude and issues than anyone else's on here.

Will leave her to sort out her own ishoos.

KingCanuteIAm · 10/05/2009 21:49

Yorkshire and PG, it does not it says much about my menstrul cycle though. I have just started a new thread admiting that I have ust realised I am hormonal and totally, unforgivably, unreasonable.

Actually I am usually quite a nice sensible person... I am off to the corner now to hang my head in shame.

Surfermum · 10/05/2009 21:50

Actually the way I read it was that there was a vague plan "my in-laws planned to invite", but when it came to the actual invites going out they were to the restaurant, not the house.

KingCanuteIAm · 10/05/2009 21:53

That is what I was trying to say Surfer... Perhaps I should try less spitting of venom next time?

(Really am sorry, trying to get some levity in now to redeem myself some more)

imoscarsmum · 10/05/2009 21:55

I actually really sympathise and can understand why you are unhappy. For me, 'family events' mean everyone but then I can see why your LOs would get bored at a stuffy restaurant. Can DH have a chat to his parents about this (assume it's his parents)?

Probably compromise is to attend for a couple of hours. If anyone asks why, then simply explain you want to spend time with your children as you work all week. I know I would not want to spend a large part of the weekend away from my DD.

Our family generally goes on the assumption that if it's a daytime event, kids come too. Evening event, get a babysitter.
I can't understand why your PIL wouldn't want to see their grandchildren at such an important event, but I don't know your circumstances, of course.

Surfermum · 10/05/2009 21:55
KingCanuteIAm · 10/05/2009 21:57

Ooh, yes, all Chilaxed now

Paolosgirl · 10/05/2009 21:58

Don't hang your head in shame, you daft thing! It's MN - a bunch of opinionated women typing furiously to complete strangers while their dps/dhs/dcs/dpets/dfriends/dneighbours look on mournfully and remember the good ol' days before you discovered the site and started neglecting them all

Now, with that in mind, I'm off, because I've spent WAY too much time on here today, I've got way too much adrenalin pumping and my head is thumping from spending too long in front of a screen. Not that I'm addicted or anything...

Anyway, night night!

KingCanuteIAm · 10/05/2009 22:00

PG I love you ..(think the wine antidote to the hormones is kicking in )

Enjoy your evening with real people

YorkshireRose · 10/05/2009 22:08

Thats OK KingCanute, we've all been there!

Have a nice glass of wine and relax!

Onestonetogo · 10/05/2009 22:10

Message withdrawn

KingCanuteIAm · 10/05/2009 22:16

at lovely people. Thank you for being understanding in the face of nastyness!

MissSunny · 10/05/2009 22:21

Message withdrawn

YorkshireRose · 10/05/2009 22:23

MissSunny, I don't think you have read the OP properly.

Not a night out, is a lunch.

Also read rest of thread.

KingCanuteIAm · 10/05/2009 22:25

Don't read my bits though, they are silly.

fledtoscotland · 10/05/2009 22:30

YANBU.

child-free time is great but its not fair to make the decision for you when your DC were previously included. in all honesty children probably wont sit through a long afternoon in a restaurant but it should be your choice to make.

(I have had a similar situation with my mother who told me my DC were not to attend a funeral. i dont want them to go but its my decision to make not hers)

couldnt your side of the family entertain your DC for the afternoon?

go and enjoy yourself.

YorkshireRose · 10/05/2009 23:31

Night Night KingCanute.

Don't be so hard on yourself! You have the good grace to admit when you have been a wee bit over the top. Not many will do that! Good on you.

I'm off to my bed now. Hope to catch you again.

KingCanuteIAm · 10/05/2009 23:37

Night Yorkshire, I am a nice person really, I just do a good job of hiding it once in a while! See you around!

MissSunny · 11/05/2009 00:08

Message withdrawn

Quattrocento · 11/05/2009 00:11

YABU - their do, their say

abitpearshaped · 11/05/2009 10:41

Are the kids aware of the meal? If it was my kids and they had been invited to a meal, I would have told them about it, and they would be looking forward to it. If they were then subsequently uninvited,they would be rather hurt, as would any reasonable adult. I f they don't know about it, then at least that's one less problem.

YorkshireRose · 11/05/2009 11:36

MissSunny - I would see it as a bit different as it was originally planned daytime event to Meet All The Family. OPs DCs were invited to that (I belive that is what the OP said? haven't looked back to check). Then changed from home to a (presumably child unfriendly) restaurant and Dcs uninvited.

I know a lot of posters are jumping in with the "why do some of you have to take your DCS EVERYWHERE?". That does not appear to be the issue here. (and I am willing to offload my DCs for a good night out along with the best of you! ). The issue is, Dcs were invited to do at ILs home, probably were told about this as OP mentions in later postings that she had been heavily involved in helping with arrangements for said do. Then ILs decided to change venue to restaurant and OP told her DCs not invited. So presumably Dcs had to be told they were not now included in this big family event.

The questions really are:

  • Is it rude to invite guests to a do then tell them invite is cancelled? Are the rules of courtesy somehow different for kids?

  • Can this really be a Meet The Family event any more if a whole section of the family (ie the children) are excluded?

  • Is it really so difficult to find a child friendly restaurant for a family lunch?

If you would really be OK with this situation then that is fine for you.

But don't turn this into something it is not. There are plenty of threads about "I want my kids with me at all events" v "sod that, me and DH/DP want some child free time". If you want to thrash those arguments out again you really should be posting on one of those threads.