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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: seething at the 'no kids' instruction

156 replies

Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 16:59

Hi there, I have a bit of a family thang going on & need to check if I'm being totally awkward or entirely reasonable before I say anything.

DH's family have a family wedding coming up soon. My in-laws planned to invite the family of the bride over, with all of the extended family, for a big get-together on a weekend day at their house. All good.

Now the plan has changed and instead we're all going out to a local restaurant instead. The kids are NOT invited (they were invited to the do at their house). The expectation is for us to get a babysitter (in laws are picking up the tab at the restaurant.)My children are little, 3 & 5, and I work during the week so I don't really want to leave them with a babysitter to spend a large chunk of a day at a restaurant.

I can see why kids aren't invited (it's not just mine, there's another younger child in the family too)as my two would get bored easily but I'm just a bit miffed. DH has asked me to go, and not kick off but inwardly I'm seething.

Any thoughts/advice? AIBU?

Ta

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 09/05/2009 17:50

I agree with Riven. Seems a bit weird that they don't want their grandchildren there. I wouldn't be miffed but would just send my DH.

I think I should have lived in Italy.

onebatmother · 09/05/2009 17:50

well, olkn, I think that if the OP were to say sorry we can't make it, we don't see the kids enough to leave them for what will probably be the best part of the day, then there will be cat's-arse-faces all round.

Realistically.

Totally with Riven - family means whole family. Apart from my scary Uncle Steven who looks at me funny.

pointydog · 09/05/2009 17:53

yabu. This is someone else's event and this is what they want. If you can get a babysitter, fine. If not, one of you go.

Other people have differnet opinions is all

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/05/2009 17:53

onebatmother, I know there are people like that - the cat's arse faces, I mean. But if I were organising such a meal out and OP said she couldn't make it, I'd just think, "Oh well, that's a shame, never mind we'll all catch up at the wedding". Isn't it possible these meal-organisers are like me, rather than the cat-bum-face-people?

Surfermum · 09/05/2009 17:56

I'd be booking a babysitter double quick so I could concentrate on the argument with dh over who was going to drive.

Original poster
Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 18:01

Hi all
well, thanks for your responses & honesty!

I know I am being slightly arsey about this all but 3littlefrogs has hit the nail on the head, and there is other 'family' stuff going on as well. Nothing major, just the usual 'in laws' crap and so I am probably slightly OTT in my irritation over this.

Yes, it would be more convenient for me to go to their house (though only marginally) but I fully accept that catering for large numbers is no fun (though I did offer to help).

I think it's the fact that the plans were changed and it was presented to me as an instruction, rather than as a nice invite. Feels a bit rude I guess. I like my kids' company and weekends are precious but hey, I do like to go out without them too except that it's usually in the evenings. I know my kids won't be scared for life if I go.

Thanks for your thoughts, much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 18:02

Ha, like it, cat-bum-faces sum my in laws perfectly

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/05/2009 18:05

You'll be accused of AIBU by stealth now.

So, have you decided?

KirstyJC · 09/05/2009 18:10

I am actually surprised at how many people think you are unreasonable - I think it is really off that they have changed this and you can't take the kids - no YUNBU!

How can they plan a family day without a large part of the family there? That aside, making it a daytime meal is really odd - why not make it evening when the kids could more easily be looked after (what type of grown-ups go to a daytime do by themselves anyway?)

I suppose it does depend how much notice they have given, but I think they are being weird and I don't think you are. Whether you should tell them is another matter though!

Original poster
Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 18:13

I'll probably go.
I really like the bride & don't want to offend her family (not that I think they'd give a rats' a* TBH but still). I also don't want to sink DH in the sht as the in laws would NEVER say anything to me but would give him aggro.

And my kids will be fine. Will feel a bit weird telling my DD we're off out somewhere without her (DS won't care much) but I think I'll have to keep the details under wraps.Ironically she is one of the flower girls at the wedding! She'd be really upset if she knew Granny & Grandad had asked for her & her brother(& their cousin) not to come.

Now I'm getting all miffed again.

I think I need a lie down and junior disprin

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 18:14

KirstyJC you have got me in ranting mode again.....they ARE out of order aren't they??

OP posts:
WoTmania · 09/05/2009 18:20

YANBU
It's daytime! Surely if it's a family do in the day there would be people who would love to see and entertain them. When my family go out my dcs get passed round the table and everyone helps look after them but no one gets bored/fed u as they don't have them for too long and I get to eat a meal without a baby in my arms.
If they wanted no kids it should be an evening thing surely?

KingCanuteIAm · 09/05/2009 18:20

I don't understand this obsession with having children involved with all family occasions? Is it so difficult to accept that there are sometimes adult family occasions (like this), sometimes whole family occasions and other times childrens occasions (birthday parties etc)?

It is like people getting all uppity about non children weddings, why on earth do your children have to be at everything? Sometimes people prefer things without children, it is not an insult it is a fact! (that is a royal your not a directed at op your)

lunamoon2 · 09/05/2009 18:20

I do agree about this whole don't bring your kids thing.
We have been invited to a close friends house party and told that it is for adults only, except of course for their child.
I clarified with them the times and made it clear that if it means day time then no we wouldn't be going as we do have children and I'm not happy about leaving them. However it will be evening so we are going to go.
I often wonder how friends would feel if I stated "No partners" please on invites.

ConnieComplaint · 09/05/2009 18:22

I've the opposite problem.

I have a huge family - hence 20 nieces & nephews... = big loud & noisy family do's with everyone looking after everyone elses kids... I pine for an evening free of children!

But when we go out with DHs family - one sister who is child free & our 2 are the only grandchildren, they always always invite the kids, they love spending time with them...occasionally we say no, they'll be with my sister etc..just to get some adult time without having to leave the table to take them to the loo every 37 seconds!!

I think maybe your MIL is thinking of you & your dh? MAybe she thinks it will be nice for you both to have an evening out where you don't have to look after the children? I know my MIL is good like that too....

MadameCastafiore · 09/05/2009 18:23

OFFS - get a life, your kids wil be fine at home and they won't forget who you are just because you haven't seen them for an afternoon and they won't hate their GPs when they grow up because they weren't invited to something.

Take a deep breath and stop blowing this out of proportion!

ConnieComplaint · 09/05/2009 18:26

KingCanute - I agree re: weddings!!

Lately we had 3 family weddings, our children were invited, OK it was nice not to need a baby sitter, but at the same time it would have been nice to have had a child free day!

My niece is getting married next month & we thought seeing as at our weddings it is usually only aunts & uncles (cousins only at evening parties) that our children wouldn't be invited...MIL offered to mind them for the whole weekend seeing as the wedding is about 200 miles away... but then the invite came in with the kids name on it too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tried to look pleased, really I did When really I was counting the cost of 2 more outfits, 2 more beds in the hotel etc.......

Original poster
Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 18:31

MadameCastafiore, thank you for putting it so succintly.
I know my kids will be fine & dandy, otherwise I wouldn't go obviously. I freely acknowledge this is all about me & my reaction, and no-one elses.
It's just, well, my family gets on my t*ts sometimes, y'know?

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/05/2009 18:38

ConnieComplaint, just because your DC are invited, doesn't mean you have to take them.

Paolosgirl · 09/05/2009 18:48

YANBU

I'm speaking from personal experience, but getting a babysitter in the daytime for our 3 would be a bloody nightmare - it's not as if you can ask the family, because they are going to be there. They've changed the arrangements, and now you're expected to magic a babysitter out of thin air?

TheCrackFox · 09/05/2009 18:51

Paolosgirl, I agree. I would love to know where this bloody babysitting fairy is. I couldn't suddenly magic up a babysitter for a Saturday afternoon.

whatwouldyoudothen · 09/05/2009 19:17

AIBU by stealth.

Morloth · 09/05/2009 19:34

See I just don't understand this mindset. Someone has offered to by YOU and your DH dinner. You have been invited, the children have not. So if you can't or don't want to get a babysitter THEN. DON'T. GO.

I don't get it. I think the sun rises and sets in my DS, but I LOVE an adult night out with friends/DH whatever.

I just can't get my head around how obsessed people are with their kids these days where they don't even want to go out for DINNER without them.

Is incomprehensible to me.

lunamoon2 · 09/05/2009 19:36

The thing that really pees me off is whenever one of my best friends has a "do" invariably during the day on a weekend, she states no children. However when I mention the 2 of us going out anywhere, without our ohs so we can chat and do girly things, she gets all defensive and dosen't want to leave her hubby!!!! Yet she expects me to leave my children and go without them.

fruitful · 09/05/2009 19:40

What's with the "just get a babysitter" thing? It's in the daytime! How do you get a babysitter in the day?

I couldn't magic one up no matter how much notice I was given. And if I could I wouldn't waste the time on a family do ...