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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: seething at the 'no kids' instruction

156 replies

Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 16:59

Hi there, I have a bit of a family thang going on & need to check if I'm being totally awkward or entirely reasonable before I say anything.

DH's family have a family wedding coming up soon. My in-laws planned to invite the family of the bride over, with all of the extended family, for a big get-together on a weekend day at their house. All good.

Now the plan has changed and instead we're all going out to a local restaurant instead. The kids are NOT invited (they were invited to the do at their house). The expectation is for us to get a babysitter (in laws are picking up the tab at the restaurant.)My children are little, 3 & 5, and I work during the week so I don't really want to leave them with a babysitter to spend a large chunk of a day at a restaurant.

I can see why kids aren't invited (it's not just mine, there's another younger child in the family too)as my two would get bored easily but I'm just a bit miffed. DH has asked me to go, and not kick off but inwardly I'm seething.

Any thoughts/advice? AIBU?

Ta

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 09/05/2009 21:55

JoPie, exactly what I feel.

LynetteScavo · 09/05/2009 22:00

Mummyisamonster - I think you are cross because you are being asked to give up what precious little time you have with your DC's - they have been cared for all week by someone else, ou want to see themat the weekend. You need to get your DH to understand this.
If I were you I would explain to the family you can't get a sitter, and let your DH go on his own.

Paolosgirl · 09/05/2009 22:01

Even if they were invited then uninvited? Really? She's 'self obsessed' for being miffed at that?

Original poster
Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 22:08

JoPie, I'm not joined to my kids at the hip and I don't think I'm self-obsessed but hey...

My moan is my in-laws assuming I could get a babysitter for the day, and that the kids were invited originally but now, suddenly, are not. I don't expect to be asked my opinion, it's their day and their decision, but a bit of a 'what do you think' would have been courteous no? Especially since I had been involved in the previous conversations about catering when they were originally planning to do it at their house.

I don't have an issue going about going out without my kids per se, nor do I expect grandparents/rest of the world to always think about children, far from it.

I never expected so many responses TBH, it has made me think about this all sodding evening!!

OP posts:
MrsEricBana · 09/05/2009 22:10

Mountain molehill?!

MrsEricBana · 09/05/2009 22:10

Wait till they announced they've changed the wedding venue to Alaska

Original poster
Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 22:12

Yeah, you're right MrsEricBana, I never meant to dwell on this quite so deeply! Off to catch some trash TV instead...
Thank you all for your invaluable comments!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 22:12

Alaska? Oh, yes, pleaase.....

OP posts:
Paolosgirl · 09/05/2009 22:13

MN has a way of making you think about nothing else! Hell, I've been thinking about your situation all night - and I don't even know you!

JoPie · 09/05/2009 22:26

I wasn't specifically referring to the OP with the self obsessed comment, more a few that implied they were angry/miffed at ever being invited anywhere without there children.
I don't think its self obsessed to not go to things if they aren't invited, just to always expect them to be welcome everywhere. I know some people who get absolutely outraged if their children are not invited to things, even when there are excellent reasons. That is selfobsessed, IMO. Do you see what I mean?

I might be a bit at them being invited and then uninvited, but if there was a good reason I would think it fine. The occasion was for the brides family to get to know the IL family, that to me says adults relaxing and talking, not 3 year olds crying because they are bored silly in a restaurant.

It all depends on outcome and context. I think YABU for expecting children to always be included. But def I think they would be totally U if they got miffed if you didn't go.

Original poster
Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 22:45

JoPie, yes, I do know what you mean and I didn't take the self-obsessed bit personally.

Didn't realise what a can of worms this would open up!

OP posts:
LittlePeanut · 09/05/2009 23:00

People who say "we come as package now...", as if you are all joined at the hip and can't ever go anywhere independently, REALLY piss me off. It is just vomit-inducing, and quite weird IMO.

What is even more patronising is "well they will understand when they have their OWN children".

Well guess what? Before I had children, I had a kids-free wedding (it was fantastic, and not stuffy, and not formal. I now have a daughter and I STILL don't understand people that are outraged/offended when you invite them somewhere without their children.

I wonder whether their children get as upset
when they are invited to a friend's birthday party, but their parents are not also invited! Do they decline the invitation and say "sorry, mummy daddy and I come as a package!"

MrsEricBana · 09/05/2009 23:38

Presumably the difference is that Mummy and Daddy can look after themselves quite safely without dc in attendance.

MrsEricBana · 09/05/2009 23:40

Also don't really think it is patronising to think that someone without children might not fully appreciate that you can't do much at all without considering whether the children will be ok - I certainly didn't.

EyeballsisonaDietAgain · 10/05/2009 01:07

I totally understand why the op is annoyed. And what would really hack me off is that they are happy to use your dd to look pretty in the wedding photos but she's not good enough for the family day. Sod that for a laugh.

mybabywakesupsinging · 10/05/2009 01:54

I work in the week. I never go out at the weekend without the dc.
I feel they are entitled to mummy at least 2 days a week.
They would be fine at a restaurant (4 + 2) but fortunately this would never happen in our family as are all very family-orientated. My lot wouldn't arrange something at a restaurant where it wasn't appropriate for children to be present, so they would be invited.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 10/05/2009 07:45

Perhaps the restaruant has a no children policy.

sarah293 · 10/05/2009 08:27

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LynetteScavo · 10/05/2009 08:38

Do some resuturants really have a no children policy?

sarah293 · 10/05/2009 09:00

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M1SSUNDERSTOOD · 10/05/2009 09:09

Yes. Barcuda pubs do. No under 18s but technically can't stop 14 year olds + going as long as they are having a meal and obv not imbibing alcohol .

FiveGoMadInDorset · 10/05/2009 09:22

There is one near us that we go to occasionally that has a no children under 12.

We had some guests staying last week who were very happy to find that they were allowed to take their baby into the pub (although they did say that they got a few glares from fellow diners) as where they are children have to be out of the pub by 7pm and out of the beer garden by 9pm.

YorkshireRose · 10/05/2009 09:28

I agree Riven. In other European countries kids of all ages go to restaurants with family, would be amazement if they were not invited. They get used to it and feel part of the family.

How are kids supposed to learn how to behave in public places if they are never allowed into them??

In some situations it is appropriate not to invite kids. In this case, a daytime meal supposedly for the whole family to meet up and get to know each other, I find it strange that half the family are not invited! Especially as they were invited originally, they probably started getting excited about the event, then are told "no sorry you are not wanted after all" !

sarah293 · 10/05/2009 09:39

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WoTmania · 10/05/2009 09:43

Riven - that's a good point. We always went to family meals etc and learnt how to behave in restaurants.
FWIW we lived in France for a while and came back for step grandmothers 60th. My mum assumed we'd been invited and when we turned up at the restaurant there was !
We would have been 11, 10, 8. Quite how my mother was supposed to find a babysitter while in France for a do in England I don't know.
I don't see why people find it so odd that you come as a 'family' once you have children, especially for daytime stuff. Like someone said if they said 'no partners' you'd be a bit especially if it only applied to unmarrieds say. Bit like saying only teens/children over a certain age.