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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: seething at the 'no kids' instruction

156 replies

Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 16:59

Hi there, I have a bit of a family thang going on & need to check if I'm being totally awkward or entirely reasonable before I say anything.

DH's family have a family wedding coming up soon. My in-laws planned to invite the family of the bride over, with all of the extended family, for a big get-together on a weekend day at their house. All good.

Now the plan has changed and instead we're all going out to a local restaurant instead. The kids are NOT invited (they were invited to the do at their house). The expectation is for us to get a babysitter (in laws are picking up the tab at the restaurant.)My children are little, 3 & 5, and I work during the week so I don't really want to leave them with a babysitter to spend a large chunk of a day at a restaurant.

I can see why kids aren't invited (it's not just mine, there's another younger child in the family too)as my two would get bored easily but I'm just a bit miffed. DH has asked me to go, and not kick off but inwardly I'm seething.

Any thoughts/advice? AIBU?

Ta

OP posts:
Morloth · 09/05/2009 19:42

So if you can't get a babysitter, you can't both go. Still not seeing the problem. Other people (even family) are under no obligation to your kids.

Surfermum · 09/05/2009 19:43

I guess I am really lucky then in that I have family and several friends who I could ask.

sayithowitis · 09/05/2009 19:47

Morloth, I think the problem is that the dinner is actually during the day, not an evening event and secondly that the details of the invite have changed from including the children initially, to not including them now. In those circumstances I would be fairly miffed. I appreciate that some people like to spend time away from their children.I respect that POV. However, why is it that those people who like to include their children in this type of social event, are so often treated as though they are pathetic by others on here? What happened to respecting others POV?

There have been times when I have left my children with sitters for an evening at a wedding etc, but I have to say, if it was family who were choosing to exclude my children, I would be giving the event a big miss!

cheekster · 09/05/2009 19:47

I totally see where you are coming from!

I hate the whole excluding children from family occasions. It should be left to the decision of the parents whether they feel the occasion would be best for the children to go or not.

And for your dc's GP to exclude them well that makes it even worse. I know the evening is about the couple getting married and getting to know the other family, but why can't your dc be part of that.

Id be totally pissed off too.

KingCanuteIAm · 09/05/2009 20:22

Oh FGS, it is up to the parents? So the all other people going don't get a say, just the parents? Sorry, I know this is your afternoon as much as mine and that you would like to have it without children but I have decided that my children can be there so tough As for the GPs not wanting children there er] really? Grandparents are not bound to having their grandchildren around at all times, sometimes they just want grown up time - which they ae entitled to. They have done their child time and now have the luxury of having child time and non-child time, it is one of the major perks of being a grandparent!

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 09/05/2009 20:26

YABU. It's just for a few hours!

Overmydeadbody · 09/05/2009 20:38

Yes, of course YABU, why on earth are you seething?!?!

You're invited to a restaurant, someone else is picking up the tab, but instead of being grateful and going out and enjoying yourself you are seething

You need to chill woman.

ravenAK · 09/05/2009 20:39

I think it sounds fun, & would much rather get a babysitter & go for a lovely long boozy lunch without bored sulky kids to worry about.

If you don't fancy it though, just send dh & explain that you couldn't get a suitable sitter.

I can see that it's annoying of ILs to muck your plans about like this, but not worth worrying about - just go/don't go according to whichever suits you.

JoPie · 09/05/2009 20:39

Plus you admit yourself that you can see why they aren't invited, as they would be bored.
Someone offers you a free meal in a nice restaurant for an occasion, if you don't want to go, don't go. YABU getting annoyed at them though.

Overmydeadbody · 09/05/2009 20:46

at "It's just, well, my family gets on my t*ts sometimes, y'know?"

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 09/05/2009 20:49

yes I can second that too.

Springfleurs · 09/05/2009 20:56

I wouldn't go anywhere that excluded my dc and I know that is not the official MN party line as far as weddings are concerned but if you don't want my kids then you can do without me as well.

I wouldn't be seething about it though, I just wouldn't go. Their choice to make it child free, my choice not to go.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 09/05/2009 21:00

Fine not to go but not fine to be upset about it imho.
as a pure curiosity springfleur do you really do not go anywhere without your children. ever?

Springfleurs · 09/05/2009 21:01

No not really, my ds has autism and I can only really leave him with family.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 09/05/2009 21:03

fair enough.

aprilflowers · 09/05/2009 21:05

I would think it was odd
My family wouldn't have a family do without inviting the children - they wouldn't consider it a family do [ and I have a very large extended family]

Springfleurs · 09/05/2009 21:09

That aside though I still I wouldn't go to a family event that said no children. Because to be honest I think it is a bit crap for a whole section of a family to be excluded from a "family occasion".

cheekster · 09/05/2009 21:09

Im totally with you on that one springfleurs.

My ds doesnt have a disability and so I dont have the problem of leaving him with someone else but still wouldnt go to any event where he was excluded.

But yes, I agree that I wouldnt make a big thing out of it (although I would be secretly pissed off) Id just choose not to go

Original poster
Mummyisamonster · 09/05/2009 21:15

I wouldn't make a big thing of it, and in fact I'm probably going. I am a secret seether rather than anything else.Although my DH's family p*ss me off at times, they are my family and I am very fond of them, believe it or not!

OP posts:
MrsEricBana · 09/05/2009 21:44

I would be miffed if GPs said dcs couldn't come to a family event and assumed I could just get a sitter (I can't in the day), but if you can get one then for the sake of future relations def best to get sitter and go. If not then DH go on his own which would represent you as a branch of the family and make the point too! My SIL got married in Sicily and asked the entire extended family plus various friends etc to go there for a week, stay in expensive villa at their own expense in term time. We decided not to go as term time, expense, I am very unkeen on flying and also, although SIL and DH's father are very important to us, we had never before met anyone else who was going and it seemed a huge ask. In the end DH went on his own for 3 days and I have been persona non grata ever since. I still don't wish I had gone but wish hadn't been put in that position. Oh joy!

JoPie · 09/05/2009 21:45

I don't understand this idea that it is something to get upset about if your kids aren't invited to everything? Your kids may be your life, but the entire universe doesn't revolve around them!
Not everybody wants children around them all the time, and why should they?
If you can't bear to be seperated from your children for a few hours, that is entirely your prerogative, fair play to you. But to be pissed off that someone has invited you somewhere without your children is, IMO, more than a little self-obsessed.

Paolosgirl · 09/05/2009 21:49

But it's a family event - are children only classed as family once they reach 16 or something? The fact is that the children were invited, and then the venue changed to a restaurant and they were uninvited. How odd - and ill mannered.

I wonder if the OP was asked before the venue was changed if she would be able to get a babysitter for the day?

MrsEricBana · 09/05/2009 21:50

Do you think it is self obsessed? We had similar situation to OP recently though was not such a significant event (was at a house and hosts didn't have kids and weren't too keen on ours going "as house is a bit small, nothing for them to do") etc - we said we were very sorry but couldn't come as no one to leave them with and we come as a family now. I wasn't seething though I suppose, I just realised that people without kids just don't get it! Not the case in OP story though.

MrsEricBana · 09/05/2009 21:50

Good point PG

cheekster · 09/05/2009 21:53

I second that paolosgirl